Dialogue for Postie Pete

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This transcript involves dialogue with Postie Pete, Barmaid, Lanthus, Notterazzo, Parroty Pete, Party Pete, Pirate Pete, Oracle, Reldo, and the player.

Standard dialogue[edit | edit source]

(Postie Pete will periodically appear at one of these locations and engage with the nearby NPC. Players can talk to him. After a few minutes, he will disappear.)

At the Ardougne Zoo[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey Pete, what you doing here?
  • Postie Pete: Just chatting to my brother Pete. He keeps Parrots.
  • Player: Doesn't sound too tough. What's the pay like?
  • Postie Pete: Not very good I'm afraid. His bosses are pretty cheep.
  • Player: Groan. Don't give up the day job Pete.

Parroty Pete[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Hi Pete!
  • Postie: Mum wants to know if you're coming round for tea.
  • Parroty Pete: No. I've got another late night here.
  • Parroty Pete: Ol' blue beak's got the flu again!
  • Postie: Oh dear. Nothing too serious I hope.
  • Parroty Pete: Well as long as he hasn't caught anything from that evil chicken.
  • Postie: Got a taste for parrots now too does he?
  • Postie: *Sigh* Will nothing sacred be safe?

At the Castle Wars lobby[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey Pete, what you doing here?
  • Postie Pete: Just doing a quick survey on famous people and their favourite colour. It's a special feature for 'West Wyverns Women's Weekly'.
  • Player: Can I get a copy?
  • Postie Pete: Can you speak Wyvern?
  • Player: No. Can you?
  • Postie Pete: Well obviously.
  • Player: Go on then.
  • Postie Pete: Here! Are you mad? No, 'fraid I can't do that. Could cause all sorts of trouble.
  • Player: You're a bit mad really aren't you?
  • Postie Pete: So would you be if you could speak over 1000 languages. I bet it's bliss being ignorant of this world's trouble! I'm off!

Lanthus[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Fight! Fight! ...Fight!
  • Lanthus: Easy Pete, calm down. Don't lose your head!
  • Postie: Cheeky!! If you're not careful I'll get you cursed too.
  • Lanthus: You wouldn't catch me double-crossing a witch!
  • Postie: But which witch is which! Anyway, I'm late for an appointment with the oracle.
  • Lanthus: Take care and say hi to the kids for me.

At Ice Mountain[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey Postie Pete how's it going?
  • Postie: I was just trying to get some wise words of wisdom from the Oracle, You know, she's been here a long time
  • Player: Yes, I thought as much, what did she have to say?
  • Postie: First she said, "I am the Oracle. And when I open my lips, let no dog bark"!
  • Player: I see. And then what?
  • Postie: I didn't know she was familiar with the works of Shakespeare. So I said 'Et tu, brute?'
  • Player: And then?
  • Postie: Well then she started pointing to Ardougne and rambling on about betrayal!

Oracle[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Well I'm back. And he said no. Again.
  • Oracle: Lemons? Both of them?
  • Postie: Lemons? What are you talking about?
  • Oracle: Fragile! Do not bend!
  • Postie: I swear you get stranger every time.
  • Postie: Ok, I'll ask again.

At the Falador Pary Room[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hi Pete, how's things?
  • Postie Pete: Just chatting to my big brother Pete. Hee heee!!
  • Player: What's so funny?
  • Postie Pete: Just a joke that he told me. Care to hear it?
  • Player: Yes, go on then.
  • Postie Pete: 2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'? Hee heheee he ho ho.
  • Player: And so what did the other one say?
  • Postie Pete: Sigh. 2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'? Hee heheee he ho ho.
  • Player: I see. So... what did the other one say?
  • Postie Pete: You're serious aren't you. Listen again. 2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'.
  • Player: Fish, right. So, what was the reply?
  • Postie Pete: ARGH!! 2 PARROTS. ON A PERCH. SMELLS FISHY.
  • Player: No, still lost. Is one of them a penguin?
  • Postie Pete: You're doing it on purpose now aren't you? Please leave me alone!

Party Pete[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Hey Bro, how's the party business?
  • Party Pete: Great! Thanks!
  • Party Pete: Celebrating weddings and drop parties...
  • Party Pete: ...and getting paid for it!
  • Postie: Nice. Well I'm here to talk to some white knights.
  • Party Pete: Want to take some cake with you?
  • Postie: No thanks, I'm still dieting.
  • Postie: Just seafood for me.

At the Laughing Miner pub[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey Postie. Hows tricks? Who are you interviewing here?
  • Postie Pete: Everyone deserves a hic break you know. It gets pretty tiring lugging burp letters about all day.
  • Player: I see. Can I join you?
  • Postie Pete: Why, am I hic coming apart?
  • Player: You've been here a while, haven't you?
  • Postie Pete: Maybe I haves, maybe I haves. It all goes straight to my head you see.
  • Player: Yes... I can see that. Bye Pete!

Barmaid[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: 4 pints of your finest please.
  • Barmaid: 4 pints coming right up. Are you expecting guests?
  • Postie: Just a few old friends.
  • Barmaid: You want me to put it on your tab?
  • Postie: That would be great, thanks. Oh, cripes! I've left a fire burning! I've got to go!

At Port Phasmatys[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey Pete, what you doing here?
  • Postie Pete: Arrrr. Avast shipmate. Arrr. I Likes the cut of your gibb. Arrr. That it be.
  • Player: Arrr?
  • Postie Pete: Arrrr.
  • Player: I have a strange feeling of Deja Vu. I must go now.

Pirate Pete[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Hey Pete. Any news from the fleet?
  • Pirate Pete: No yo ho bruv.
  • Pirate Pete: 'Tis all quiet on the eastern front.
  • Postie: Good good.
  • Postie: Well you know what to do if something goes wrong.
  • Pirate Pete: Aye, that I do, bruv.
  • Pirate Pete: Holler like a bosun without a bottle.
  • Postie: That's it brother, and we'll come a running!

At the Varrock Library[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: HEY PETE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
  • Postie Pete: Shhhh! It's a library you know!
  • Player: Oh, sorry! So, what's new?
  • Postie Pete: Not much, just doing some research on Dwarvern Culture. Did you know that Keldagrim was originally constructed by a long lost clan who embraced the power of magic, and used it to aid with glorious buildings like the royal palace?
  • Player: Really??
  • Postie Pete: Yes. They even stayed down there for 1000 years or more, in a time they call 'The age of Kings'.
  • Player: WOW!
  • Postie Pete: Shhhh! That's enough history for one day I think!

Reldo[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Reldo, have you found that book I was looking for yet?
  • Reldo: No, not yet... but I know I've seen it somewhere...
  • Reldo: ...come back later.
  • Postie: Sure, no problems. See you later.
  • Reldo: Bye! Say hi to the other Petes for me.
  • Postie: Will do. Farewell!

At the Wilderness Bandit Camp[edit | edit source]

Player[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Pete, what are you doing out here in the deep wilderness?
  • Postie Pete: Shhh!! Don't let the others see me here! I'm on a top secret mission for the Burth..., no, nothing. Never mind. Oooo, look, the chaos elemental!! Quick, run!!
  • Player: Argh!! Where?

Notterazzo[edit | edit source]

  • Postie: Anyone got post?
  • Postie: Psssst! How is the plan going?
  • Notterazzo: Perfectly. Everyone is prepared.
  • Postie: Great. Now don't forget- nobody does anything until I give the signal.
  • Notterazzo: Sure no problem. We'll be waiting.
  • Postie: 'Till next time. Farewell.

Talking to Postie Pete while he has overhead dialogue[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete is talking to someone - don't you know it's rude to interrupt?

Talking to Postie Pete as he is leaving[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete is preparing to teleport somewhere else, distracting him could have some terrible side effects.

Postie Pete's jokes[edit | edit source]

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Q – What happens if you right-click and 'Use' your own belly?

A – Nothing intestine happens.

In Burthorpe during Parcels from the Hedge (May 2018)[edit | edit source]

Overhead lines[edit | edit source]

  • (One of the following is seen occasionally:)
    • Postie Pete: It's time to give back, mail for everyone!
    • Postie Pete: Parcels from the Hedge!
    • Postie Pete: Post! Post! Post! There's so much post!

When talked to[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete: Player! So great to hear from you.
  • Select an option
    • Any mail for me?
      • Player: Any mail for me?
        • (If no mail is available:)
          • Postie Pete: No sorry. I'll try and deliver another tomorrow.
          • (Returns to the previous options.)
        • (If mail is available:)
          • (Transcript missing. edit)
    • What's with all the parcels?
      • Player: What's with all the parcels?
      • Postie Pete: They're from all the people of Gielinor to all the adventurers to thank them for their hard work! I'll try to send you one each day for 30 days, and if you don't have enough space, just come and see me in Burthorpe once you do. If you want more, you'll just have to get out into the world and try doing something. I'm sure some mail will turn up.
      • (Returns to the previous options.)
    • What are the postage stamps for?
      • Player: What are the postage stamps for?
      • Postie Pete: I'm always sending letters, so I'm interested in any spare postage stamps you may have. I'll even exchange them for an unclaimed parcel.
      • (Returns to the previous options.)
    • What's so special about the parcels you send me each day?
      • Player: What's so special about the parcels you send me each day?
      • Postie Pete: I have a couple of lost property packages in the post office, that you can take off my hands should you collect parcels from me frequently.
      • Player: Wow, that sounds great!
      • Postie Pete: Just check in each day and I'll send any mail your way.
      • (Returns to the previous options.)
    • What delivery options are there?
      • Player: What delivery options are there?
      • Postie Pete: I can send all parcels to you directly, or alternatively I can have them sent to your bank.
      • Select an option
        • Send parcels to me directly.
          • Postie Pete: I'll send parcels to you directly as my priority.
          • (Returns to the initial options.)
        • Send parcels to my bank.
          • Postie Pete: I'll send parcels to your bank as my priority.
          • (Returns to the initial options.)

In Burthorpe during Parcels from the Hedge[edit | edit source]

November 2018[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete: Player! So great to hear from you.
  • (Only on first time:)
    • Postie Pete: I don't suppose you've heard any news of my body perchance?
    • Player: Your body?
    • Postie Pete: Somebody was kind enough to find me one, but...
    • Postie Pete: I was ambushed whilst delivering post in the wilderness, and I've not seen it since.
    • Player: Maybe you should quit whils you're 'a head'!
    • Postie Pete: ...
    • (Continues below.)
  • Select an option
    • Any mail for me?
      • Player: Any mail for me?
      • (If no mail is available:)
        • Postie Pete: No sorry. I'll try and deliver another tomorrow.
        • (Returns to the previous options.)
      • (If mail is available:)
        • Postie Pete: Ah yes, a parcel was sent to you but it didn't quite manage to get there. Here it is.
        • The player receives the parcel.
        • (Returns to the previous options.)
    • What's with the parcels and stamps?
      • Player: What's with the parcels and stamps?
      • Postie Pete: The parcels are from the people of Gielinor to all the adventurers to thank them for all their hard work! I'll try to send you one each day for 30 days, and if you don't have enough space, just come and see me in Burthorpe once you do. If you want more, you'll just have to get out into the world and try doing something. I'm sure some mail will turn up.
      • Player: What are the postage stamps for?
      • Postie Pete: I'm always sending letters, so I'm interested in any spare postage stamps you may have. I'll even exchange them for an unclaimed parcel.
      • (Returns to the initial options.)
    • What's with your evil twin over there?
      • Player: What's with your evil twin over there?
      • Postie Pete: Oh, he's not evil, he's just a little slow.
      • Parcel Pete: I heard that!
      • Postie Pete: That is to say, he's my intern. I seem to spend most of my time on Gielinor delivering fanmail, so I'm training my brother to help out.
      • Player: So we'll get even more parcels?
      • Postie Pete: Yes, though truth be told he still has a lot to learn. He managed to somehow stick the fanmail to the parcels...
      • (Returns to the initial options.)
    • What's so special about the parcels you send me each day?
      • Player: What's so special about the parcels you send me each day?
      • Postie Pete: I have a couple of lost property packages in the post office, that you can take off my hands should you collect parcels from me frequently.
      • Player: But surely those packages belong to other people?
      • Postie Pete: My intern, Parcel, puts all the undeliverable mail in the lost property so I'm sure they wouldn't have gotten it anyway.
      • Postie Pete: Just check in each day and I'll send any mail your way.
      • (Returns to the initial options.)
    • What delivery options are there?
      • Player: What delivery options are there?
      • Postie Pete: I can send all parcels to you directly, or alternatively I can have them sent to your bank.
        • Send parcels to me directly.
          • Postie Pete: I'll send parcels to you directly as my priority.
          • (Returns to the initial options.)
        • Send parcels to my bank.
          • Postie Pete: I'll send parcels to your bank as my priority.
          • (Returns to the initial options.)

2019[edit | edit source]

Overhead lines[edit | edit source]

  • (One of the following is seen occasionally:)
    • Postie Pete: It's time to give back, mail for everyone!
    • Postie Pete: Parcels from the Hedge!
    • Postie Pete: Post! Post! Post! There's so much post!

When talked to[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete: Player! So great to hear from you.
  • (Only on first time:)
    • Postie Pete: I don't suppose you've heard any news of my body perchance?
    • Player: Your body?
    • Postie Pete: Somebody was kind enough to find me one, but...
    • Postie Pete: I was ambushed whilst delivering post in the wilderness, and I've not seen it since.
    • Player: Maybe you should quit whils you're 'a head'!
    • Postie Pete: ...
    • (Continues below.)
  • Select an option
    • Any mail for me?
      • Player: Any mail for me?
      • (If no mail is available, and more are available later:)
        • Postie Pete: No sorry. I'll try and deliver another tomorrow.
        • (Returns to the previous options.)
      • (If mail is available:)
        • (Without space to receive the parcel:)
          • Postie Pete: I do actually, but you don't seem to have space for it right now.
          • You would have received a parcel from Postie Pete; however, you did not have enough space. Postie Pete will hold onto your parcel for now.
          • (Returns to the previous options.)
        • (With space to receive the parcel:)
          • Postie Pete: Ah yes, a parcel was sent to you but it didn't quite manage to get there. Here it is.
          • The player receives the parcel.
          • (Returns to the previous options.)
      • (If all the daily parcels have been delivered:)
        • Postie Pete: No sorry, that was your last one.
        • (Returns to the previous options.)
    • What's with the parcels and stamps?
      • Player: What's with the parcels and stamps?
      • Postie Pete: The parcels are from the people of Gielinor to all the adventurers to thank them for all their hard work! I'll try to send you one each day for [30 or 26] days, and if you don't have enough space, just come and see me in Burthorpe once you do. If you want more, you'll just have to get out into the world and try doing something. I'm sure some mail will turn up.
      • Player: What are the postage stamps for?
      • Postie Pete: I'm always sending letters, so I'm interested in any spare postage stamps you may have. I'll even exchange them for an unclaimed parcel. Here, have a look at this, it has more information for you.
      • (Parcels from the Hedge interface opens.)
    • What's with your evil twin over there?
      • Player: What's with your evil twin over there?
      • Postie Pete: Oh, he's not evil, he's just a little slow.
      • Parcel Pete: I heard that!
      • Postie Pete: That is to say, he's my intern still. My brother has been helping me out with the postal service. He managed to solve the fan mail issue last time, so I've taken on some of this new ideas.
      • Player: What sort of ideas?
      • Postie Pete: We've installed a delivery and collection system where you can exchange your stamps for items that were previously obtainable in those parcels of ours. I'll also attempt to deliver any lost property you've earned when I deliver your daily parcel.
      • (Returns to the previous options.)
    • What's so special about the parcels you send me each day?
      • Player: What's so special about the parcels you send me each day?
      • Postie Pete: I have a couple of lost property packages in the post office, that you can take off my hands should you collect parcels from me frequently.
      • Player: But surely those packages belong to other people?
      • Postie Pete: My intern, Parcel, puts all the undeliverable mail in the lost property so I'm sure they wouldn't have gotten it anyway.
      • Postie Pete: Just check in each day and I'll send any mail your way.
      • (Returns to the initial options.)
    • What delivery options are there?
      • Player: What delivery options are there?
      • Postie Pete: I can send all parcels to you directly, or alternatively I can have them sent to your bank.
        • Send parcels to me directly.
          • Postie Pete: I'll send parcels to you directly as my priority.
          • (Returns to the initial options.)
        • Send parcels to my bank.
          • Postie Pete: I'll send parcels to your bank as my priority.
          • (Returns to the initial options.)