You enjoy Postbag from the Hedge.

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You enjoy Postbag from the Hedge. is the sixteenth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:You enjoy Postbag from the Hedge..
This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 13 March 2007.

Hello again, adventurers and explorers! I've had a fairly quiet month - mostly because I've had surprisingly few visits to the Wilderness. I may only be a head, but the bandits and dragons seem to think I'm a trinket they can use to decorate their home. Anyway, I fully expect to 'head off' there next month, as you all try to think of things to ask Kolodion or the King Black Dragon (who makes an excellent cup of tea, by the way)...

Dear Dagonoth Kings

Hi hows it going. How does it feel to rule an army of the creatures of waterbirth island. Are you planning to side with the Coas Elemental, KBD, and KQ and go destroy the TzTokJad? Can i have the fremnik rings and a seercull bow? Why can i never get to you and always have to flee from your level 92 dagonoth brothers hitting 12? I think you and the other boss monsters of Rs should have a Safe minigame where people can try to kill you but if the player dies, he loses nothing.

Bren the bli

P.S. Just call me Dentin (my fremnik name)*

Morning, prey.

So many questions for a fremennik spawn. Normally you bearded fishcatchers just grunt and die, so this is perhaps the most we've heard from you. Out of curiosity I will reply on behalf of my brothers, and also because there is an error that needs to be corrected. Pass it on to the other sinewy fremennik.

That error is this: we are not here for your amusement. We have called this world 'home' longer than you have and, as you may have noted, we have that annoying ability to outlive you. You and your brethren should open your minds to the possibility, then, that you are here for our amusement. When we best you for the umpteenth time in our arena, attacking you from each point of the combat triangle, think upon that.

As for your other questions, fremennik, I will waste little of my time answering them. A day of slaughtering awaits me, after all. First question: the command of an army as fearsome as ours is truly something. Maybe you could collect your filthy fishermen together and give us a better fight some day. Second question: they would be interesting foes - we dagannoth have no word in our language for 'friend' or 'ally'. Third question: no. Fourth question: 12 damage makes you run, fremennik? Haha, we await you with glee. Fifth question: a safe minigame? We pity you, prey.

Akranoth dagnathi, Dagannoth Supreme

Dear the Voice that tells adventures what to do.

Why do you stop us from doing the things we want to?

After rum deal, i try to fish more slugling, but a voice says 'you don't need anymore of these' that may be true, but i want to fish them! Also on the port sarim jail, i am talking to the gaurd on the roof, making him think he's crazy, when a voice (you) says 'maybe you should leave him alone now' Now, i have nothing against these actions really, but i why? why do you look out for us adventures and tell us what to do? who are you? how do you talk to us?

From, A puzzled adventurer

You feel greeted by a voice in your head,

You are sure that this voice is useful, that it is keeping you safe from danger. You are aware that the sluglings of Braindeath Island are of no use after the quest, so you wonder why you even bothered to ask. You begin to wonder why you even wrote this letter as you realise how useful the voice is.

You feel comforted by the voice's quality of speech and excellent accent; it sounds well educated and charming. More than ever, you are certain that this voice is some gift from the gods - granted to man at the dawn of time. Then again, you have been wrong about things before. You now feel confused.

You wave goodbye to the mysterious voice.

Dear Cave Goblins, Why would all of you stay down in the lumbridge caves when we are at peace with you? I mean the HAM people might plan an attack but the chances are slim for i have defeated the sigmund and his minions. I even go and pickpocket their equipment once and a while. the real question is why wont you just go out in the fresh air at the suface and jsut walk around with the other goblins (considering no one kills you) your freind and hero, Iceboy941

Hello, surface-dweller,

Why would we not stay where we are in our beautiful, brightly-lit city, Dorgesh-Kaan? The Dorgeshuun are more than content to stay in our long-standing home - although our race initially only came underground in hiding, over the centuries we have literally carved out our own piece of paradise below your Bridge of Lum. However, we are also very excited with all that contact with you surface-dwellers has opened our already exceptionally large eyes to - particularly your exotic surface foods like 'tomato, cheese and meat-topped round-breads' (as long as it's not H.A.M.) and the 'pie of red berries', and we look forward to someday welcoming your kind, and your foodstuffs, into our home.

Kind regards,
The Dorgeshuun Council

Dear Oziach Grand Armourer of Edgeville,

This has been bothering me for some time now. Ever since I have defeated the mighty Dragon Elvarg for your precious Rune Platemail I have felt a great pain. Slaying such a wonderous creature as a dragon was and is not my style. I now am overcome with guilt, and the fault is yours. The alure of having Rune Platemail was so great that I stooped to murder. Because of your hate of all things scaley and fire breathing I am boycotting rune platemail and green dragon hide armor.

Fight the power!

I hope you get eaten by ice giants and your bones be chewed upon by Hell Hounds.


The one and only House


Ack, the world is a better place since yer dispatched that great firebreathing brute. She wouldn't 'a had second thoughts about roasting yer with her breath and tuckin' in to an adventurer supper. That's what she done to Crandor, after all...


Did I ever force yer to kill her for me? I remember you coming to me with yer little sword held high and a malicious gleam in yer eye! I hope yer little boycott brings the ‘mighty' Elvarg back to life but I don't think it's going to work meself.

You want to blame me? Well that's just fine and dandy, but I think if you want to find the real culprit here ya might want to look at yerself.

Happy dragon huntin'!

Dear Guthan the Infested,

I was at barrows and saw you but i saw something quite odd about you... Your rather fat. Why is this? Do your fellow brothers and yourself like to have christmas partys?? It confuses me greatly. Surely a Warior such as yourself should be rather silm??

Yours Sincerly
Jimtheoutlaw (Ill see you soon.)

P.S your spear dont scare meee!

Dear Jimtheoutlaw,

Fat? Really? You think so? I'm quite big-boned, I guess. Darn it! I don't have any bones anymore - it can't be that. Maybe it's all muscle? Nope, that's gone too! Sheeeesh. Does my armour make me look fat?

I have been 'infesting' an awful lot recently - player's Hitpoints can certainly get fattening. Or maybe you saw me in profile; I do look thinner from the front. Purple was never my colour either, it makes me look a little podgier than I truly am...

Yours medium to largely,
Guthan the Infested

Dear Black Knight Captain, shouldn't you get new armour for you and your knights? My own black armour is much more darker than yours and it's not so expensive that you couldn't buy another one if it has been lightened on use. Anyway, White Knights' armour is totally white (i think you have found that out). You really should even change your name to "Dark Grey Knights" to be honest.
One of your enemies, Cosmic Man78

Dear Cosmic Man78,

This is a peculiar tactic indeed – giving your enemy fashion advice?

I commend you for noticing how dully grey our outfits are, though. I have brought this issue to the attention of my knights, but they appear to have an allergy to good hygiene and self-respect!

The armour itself is actually very good... exceptionally crafted and tough as nails; we are lucky to have such resilient protective-wear. All it needs is soap, water and some hard work!

If I cannot convince that rag-tag band of warriors to start taking care of their armour, I may have to take drastic action, rob Tegid the druid of his soap, and clean them myself!

Ah, who am I kidding; I'm no peasant.

Thank you for your concern,
Lord Daquarius

Dear Mr. Warrior's Guild Catapult Guy

One day in the second floor of the Warrior's Guild I was defending myself against multiple objects when I looked more closely at the device launching them and I saw you! Naturally, I tried to examine you, but i kept looking at the catapult... I tried and tried but I only examined the catapult, I looked up and I saw a sharp object fly at me, and BAM, I took an anvil to the face. I walked down from the platform and tried some more, it didnt work. I tried everything, shouting (even though I can't yell loudly like the barbariens) I tried attacking you, I tried using money with you, I tried waving at you, I even tried dancing! But all to no avail. Why do you do this? Why do you ignore people? What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? How much does Gamfred pay you?

Tuy789 (the great)

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… AH HA HA HA HA HA…

Oh, sorry. I expect you'll be wantin' a reply that don't involve me laughin' at you. Well, ok then.

Dear Tuy789,

Well done for spottin' me behind the controls of the catapult. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed me before! Although, I am quite short, I s'pose. The reason I was ignorin' your (may I say, bootiful) dancin', was ‘cos I was busy launching heavy items at your face!

Also, I would advise you not to offer me money next time, as although I am partial to a bit o' bribery, my boss wouldn't like it. Gamfred pays me well enuff and he don't want me earnin' more than him.

Oh, I almost forgot... My favourite flavour ice cream is doughnut.


Hello Mushroom, Why are you always asleep? I visit Trollhiem quite alot and you are always asleep when i arive at the Stronghold. You must have plenty of dreams?

Anyway, are you going to wake up oneday and ask me to go on a quest for you? Hmm someone might wake you up and you might want to play a trick on them or do you have a secret stash of mushroom spores that someone finds out about and takes? Hmm Postie Pete might wake you up to deliver this letter, so sorry to bother you if this is the case.

If trolls are named after first thing they tried to eat, that means you ate a Mushroom? Why are you outside the stonghold? Are you a guard that went lazy? Whats the story Behind you?



‘Ello Streamqueen,

Zzzz... Zzzz... *mumbles* angry space kebbits... Zzzz... Zzzz...


Wise Old Tips

Following up his ever-popular translations, this month the Wise Old Man returns to provide a few definitions of some odd chatter that he overhears with distressing frequency.

'Excuse me, but I appear to have adhered this fish to my left eyeball.'

'I am most excited at the prospect of trimming my nails. Tally ho!'

'If you would please look this way, it seems that my trousers are poorly tailored.'

'Do you like cheese?'

'I am fluent in over five million forms of communication.'

'Oh dear, it seems that I was recently slain by a goblin.'

'Oh look, it's quite near two o'clock! I shall be late for my embroidery circle!'

One who fashions ornamental rugs.

A young gentleman of modest means, good breeding, excellent table manners and poor dress sense.

To find out what these words really mean, check out the Player Dictionary.

That's it from me for now, but I'll see you all again next month, so keep sending me your letters and paintings! Send your letters to [email protected] Don't forget – when you send us your amazing creations we can't accept links, so please don't send them to us!

Next month… stuff!

Postie Pete