Wise old musings and demonic drills

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Wise old musings and demonic drills is the twenty-third issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Wise old musings and demonic drills.
This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 24 September 2007.

This has been an odd month for me! The Wise Old Man has put my head in quite a spin with his postulating, the Culinaromancer gave me the creeps, and to top it all off I got an earful from the Drill Demon. Still, a postie does what a postie must do!

Dear Wise Old Man,

I figured since you are so smart, maybe you would be able to answer this very hard question. If you randomly walk into a room, and you see a glass of water, the water only reaches up to the half of the glass, would you call it a half full glass, or a half empty glass?

I have been wondering a lot about this for a little while before a friend of mine figured out I should ask our wise old fella'. Answering a question like this should't be much more than a piece of cake, right?

Thank you very much in advance.

Your friend, I Are Lasse - (aka. Zaico)

Dear I Are Lasse, or Zaico – whichever you prefer, it is an interesting question you pose.

Rather than patronise you by suggesting that a half full or half empty glass signifies an unconscious sense of optimism or pessimism, I'm going to tell you the truth: The glass is simply twice as large as it ought to be!

Ho, ho...I am jesting, of course!

Truthfully though, is there really any difference? If you were to ask for half a pint of Asgarnian Ale at the Rising Sun, I doubt very much that the barman would ask if you'd be wanting it "Half empty or half full?" He'd probably just say "Half a pint! Who drinks half a pint!?" and then you'd probably reply "I do, but only to prove a theory about a rhetorical question regarding half a glass of water", then he'd likely reply "Ah, like a litmus test?" and you'd go "Yeah exactly, only with ale rather than water" and he'd say "Oh, great. Half a pint it is then".


Dear Slayer Masters, I have been an avid slayer ever since being able to. You all have made me kill things as small as cave bugs to as fierce as bronze dragons. One thing still sits in my mind as a question, why do all of you greet me the same way? All of you ask, "'Ello, what are you after then?" Is it the proper greeting from the front of the slayer master handbook, or do you all happen to be from the same neighborhood and greet everyone the same way? Please enlighten your fellow slayers. always there when killing is needed, Arami1

'Ello, Arami1, what are you after then?

Oh, yeah, you said in your letter. I'll field this one since I'm your current Slayer Master.

Yeah, the whole "'Ello" thing is a bit offputting, isn't it? Us Slayer Masters had a chat about that ages ago (after all the 'ellos, that is - that wasn't much fun) and we've concluded that it's a nervous tick, resulting from fighting the dreaded Shar'dscr'pt Beast of Djarver.

As a result, we've all agreed to never assign this monster to anyone, as that first Slayer Master meeting was annoying enough and we don't want to have that happen with all our students too.


Dear Karamel,

It has been a long while since our death match back in the Culinaromancers Dimension. I was writing to check up on you. Sorry that i had to cream you (pun intended), but if i didn't destroy the Culinaromancer then everyone at Lumbridge would think i was whack. Do the other food animations ever bug you?, like that big lumax Flambeed. I mean cmon, he is a giant cake..thing. Have you ever met Kamil the Ice Warrior? His powers are similar to your own, but in my opinion you were just as strong, or probably stronger than that weakling. Also, how did you get your name? No offense meant however. Anyway, perhaps we can have a rematch someday, im alot stronger than i was, and im sure you are too.

Your Rival, Wonka Head

Dear Wonka Head,

I have chosen to intercept your letter to my minion. Karamel is, like me, twisted by her desire to use her magic for conquest, and I do not want her to have any ties with your world lest she find a way to escape this eternal prison you have trapped us in, and take over Gielinor before I do. I have sealed her within a range for her failure.

Flambeed was one of the greatest works I have ever created, how dare you insult him. Do you really think that Karamel is her true name? Do you think I was born with the name Culinaromancer?

I don't care for your excuses, I will find a way to return and once I have dealt with that pesky line of Lumbridge cooks and the secret council, I am coming for you! You have no idea the true power of a red berry pie when at a Culinaromancer's command, though I will not complain if you find a way to reach Karamel for a rematch and she wears you down before I can get my cleaver on you.

I look forward to facing you again,

P.S. Stop touching my stuff, I never said you could have the items in that chest!

Dear Drill Demon

When you call for me to train for your army I become well prepared but then I never fight why? Have you not waged war or am I not strong enough to fight and if so why not train me more. Could you not use another soldier to fight in your army ? It might be an advantage to have a human in your army with new battle tactics and weapons. I would be very honored to fight in the demon army.

from Private Aporon


That's Sergeant Damien to you, Private! How dare you try to issue your authority over me! I'm your superior, private; and what I say, goes!

Well prepared? This is just a basic exercise routine I get the demonic brotherhood to do daily, to ready themselves for the onslaught of 'real' training. Push ups, sit ups, star jumps; you name it and I make sure they do it. My rule; the more they sweat in training, the less they bleed in battle! It's a true statement, you see my scars? They bear witness to what I've been through; your puny race warring against us time and time again. When I feel you are truly ready, perhaps you can progress to join the demons on more advanced tactical exercises. Combat is unpredictable and anything can happen on the battlefield, preparation is everything!

Until the time I call you back into my service, I hear that Fred the Farmer and Gillie the Milkmaid are looking for some new recruits; I recommend you offer your services to them, Private.


Sergeant Damien (Demonic Medal of Combat, Underworld Medal, Bloodlines Achievement, Most Evil Demon-of-the-Year 2004 Award, Best Shopper 2001, Record Holder for Most Number of Star Jumps)

Kurasks of Relekka, why do you drop bananas and pineapples?

Where are you getting all of this exotic fruit, if you live in a cave surrounded by cubes of gelatin, and three legged families, miles away from any beach or plant for that matter? And why are the larger of you the same combat level as the smaller of you? Do you not have more brawn to be able to fling to cause more damage to adventurers such as myself?

Thanks for taking the time from your busy schedule,

The Lyght that is Black, Blacklyght.

Human of Outside Cave,

There are those of the kurask who shun me for my skutask - my interest - in humans, and indeed they are right to. You are a despicable race. But, shallask! You never cease to amaze me. You send me words on wood, sent by a disembodied member of your own species, but you see us every week! Skarooom, how can a kurask not find you fascinating when you do such foolish things?

To become a kuraski, at the age of 80, a kura must leave the cave and complete the rite of Kurisk. The rite will leave a third dead, but leaves only kuraski behind. We walk alone and must travel the route that Kurisk travelled, over plain and then under seas. A time will come when the kura finds a land covered in this wood you humans crave. Like the great Kurisk, a kura must then pluck a fruit from a tree and bring it back to Kuriskia.

Then they become kuraski and the fruit is ingested whole, held in a third stomach until death and preserved by our stomach lining. You did not, by any chance, eat it, did you?


P.S. The larger of us have inflammation of the third stomach, human. The pain and lack of comfort balances out the increase in size.

Dear Dragon Impling,

Puro-Puro...nice place you got there. Anyway, to my question. I've heard implings steal all the loot they own. If that's the case, how did you come across dragon arrows and darts? Was there a previous owner to these long-awaited items? Who did you originally steal them from before you got your thieving hands on them?

Sincerely, A Dragon Impling Hunter, Biohurricane

Dear Biohurricane,

Puro-Puro is the place of ours. We found it. Many others wanted to go there and their desire attracted us to it. Now adventurers come and play with us, desiring our things. It makes our bellies fat and keeps us happy.

Dragon stuff? We found it in secret places. Many different worlds, many different places. All hidden. Deep down, in the darkness. Huge piles of things. Left for a long time, though their masters begin to stir.

Have you got tasty things in your pockets? We shall have them. All of them. Give them unto us! I sense gems in your pockets. We shall take them. I'm hungry. I need them. What else do you have? Coins, seem most desired of all. Strange really but we don't like holding them...they are heavy and it would take all the implings to carry many of them.

Mr Pete of Posting has given me a nice pen. I sense he wants it back. He's never getting it. I already called in the imps. They are on their way. Perhaps I'll keep this paper t...

[I'm afraid that I had to grab the letter in my teeth and teleport away before that dratted imp tried to steal my letters as well as my pen. I hope none have gone missing from my bag - Postie Pete.]

Dear Eluned,

When I recharge my tiny elf crystal with you (thank you for the discount, by the way), you mention you need 150 gp to cover your costs. I have read the book, Crystal of Seren, Crystal Singing for Beginners, which also mentions expenses incurred during crystal singing.

What are your expenses for singing? Throat lozenges? A tall glass of water? Perhaps some tea with honey in it?

I know an apothecary in Verrock who owes me a favor. Perhaps he could cut you a deal on cough drops.

Kind regards,

Quiet Hugh

Hello Quiet Hugh,

I like your name – I think many humans could afford to spend a little more time being quiet. I once knew an adventurer called Hugh who was as loud as the thunder in the sky. I believe he became a professional gnomeball player.

But I digress! Singing is an art as old as time, and a part of my elf being. It draws on energies from deep within my soul to shape every facet and line in the crystal seed. When I speak of costs I mean emotional and spiritual costs. Every crystal item I call forth into the world with my chanting takes a little bit of myself with it, and this can be quite a draining process.

The gold pieces I ask of you warriors, pay for the few luxuries which help keep my body and mind strong. As you rightly guessed, honeyed tea is something I enjoy, and a drink which elves have used for many a long year, although we add a few secret ingredients of our own to make it very special!

Go with the grace of Seren, Eluned

Mysterious Old Guidebook

This month I have decided to share the beginning of a manuscript I believe the Mysterious Old Man is working on. I acquired this from a strange box which was unceremoniously dropped on my head (which is quite distressing when a head is all you've got!) by that dratted old fellow. I solved the puzzle expecting some small piece of treasure as usual, and a bunch of papers fell out. It seems the Mysterious Old Man has aspirations to be a travel writer! Here are a few excerpts:

Lonely Gielinor: A Guide

Tutorial Island

Tutorial Island is likely to be the first bit of Gielinor you visit. This is a charming little island, with a very rustic feel, which will give you great introduction to the ways and customs of Gielinor. There are a few points of interest on the island, and the locals are typically very friendly, however it is limited and you probably won't want to spend more than a day here. The RuneScape Guide is a must visit attraction!


Varrock really is the bustling hub of Gielinor - a city where culture and commerce jostle for priority. Culturally speaking, the Palace of Varrock is the magnificent centre of the city. You can't say you've 'done' Varrock until you've climbed its spiral staircases and gazed out over its battlements. The recently renovated Museum of Varrock is also well worth a visit, housing a vast collection of treasures and antiquities. Varrock isn't just a city of historical treasures, however, it is also a trading capital and some of your time must be dedicated to exploring the delights of Varrock marketplace and the street traders found nearby. There are many bargains to be picked up; however, travellers should be wary of deals which seem to good too be true, as they usually turn out to be just that. It is easy to wile away 3 or 4 days exploring this great city, and no matter how much you see there's always something to make a return visit worthwhile.

Gnome Tree Stronghold / Baxtorian Falls

The Gnome Tree Stronghold has been the ancestral home of the gnome race for many years and is drenched with history. However, if that is not your thing it is also a very modern destination for tourists, boasting haute cuisine dining at Aluft Gianne's restaurant and high class refreshments at Blurberry's bar. And if you're not ready to turn in after a meal and a drink why not check out the fast-paced sport of Gnomeball?

If natural beauty is your thing you really won't find many places better than the lands just west of the Kingdom of Kandarin, and if you are in the area you'd be mad not to take a day trip to Baxtorian Falls. This area, famed for its breathtaking and unspoilt beauty, has excellent tourist facilities, including a modern tourist centre and picnic areas, as well as fishing spots for keen anglers. While on the eastern banks of the River Dougne, Glariel's tomb is just a short walk away and well worth a visit, however the best views of the fall itself are to be had from the western bank.

Trollweiss Mountain

For those travellers who are not content to merely see Gielinor's beautiful scenery, and want to experience it first hand, the mountainous northern regions can prove an exciting adventure. These vast frosty peaks lie nestled between the untamed Wilderness to the east and the sea to the west. Travelling in these regions is not without risks, and anyone thinking of doing so would be well advised to get an experienced guide and prepare thoroughly. Once on the mountain, sledding is an exhilirating way to get around. Culturally, the troll regions are very different to anything you may have experienced before. Locals are frequently hostile to outsiders and carrying a weapon at all times is usually a good idea, however, there are some citizens who will be more than happy to converse and deal with humans. If in doubt, it is often best not to approach them.

I think I'll return this manuscript to the Mysterious Old Man - he seems to have rather a talent for travel writing and I would like to see this finished! I wonder if he'll ever find the time between delivering all those boxes?

That's it from me for now, but I'll see you all again next month, so keep sending me your letters and paintings! Send your letters to [email protected]

Don't forget – when you send us your amazing creations we can't accept links, so please don't send them to us!

Next month... spooky stuff... woooooo!

Postie Pete