Who is the greatest of them all?

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Who is the greatest of them all? is the thirty-nineth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Who is the greatest of them all?.
This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 2 April 2009.

When I was a young head, I would often play card games with my friends and family. My favourite was always RuneScape Duel cards, so you can imagine my delight when I found some in my attic. Enjoy! - PP

[For the uninitiated, the Chaos Elemental often replies to the more...bizarre letters. On the face of it the words make no sense, but look a little closer - you may find some indication of what the future holds - PP]


We have located the cabbage. It was not there! Rather, Bones sought to make more bones. Flesh remained, however; power did the cabbage grant us!

False victory followed; Bones had taken cabbage and shrouded it within more secrets.

Now we await the lifting of the darkness, seeking to return cabbage to rest.

Anyway, could you drop by the store and get some milk on the way home?


Grace brings the pain. The rhythm of blood begins anew.

To conclude: Fay autocrat impugns royal, yet The avatar liberates everyone? FREE! I think this all happens after the time When stars were entertaining June...in Bennath.

The Red Raktuber flies at midnight. (Well, maybe not 'flies'.) Regardless, I'm about to descend into a ventricle of darkness, and I don't know which hat to wear: swordfish, octopus, lobster?

"Wake the muspah. Don't wake the muspah!" - and that's just the first of them! Syzygy nearing: Ritual too. Watch those scopes and learn what you can before it occurs. Ralvash was last, who is next? Me? You? No, we're not one of them.

Now, where are those keys? Ah yes, the keys are left of Mr E Frdrty Wirdy and Mr E, Utrwir Wirdy. What a curious village.

Sheds are heavy; Sirrah is dead.


Dear Gunnar Holdstrom,

Why do you let your wonderful creatures, the yaks, be slain in their thousands because of a few players who want quick combat experience? Don't you think it's time to put an end to this madness? I, as a frequent yak killer, thinks that there should be a limit to the number of yaks you can kill, so the race doesn't extinguish!

Yours truly,

Mr_Master52, compulsive yak killer

PS: The limit is for the others and not for me.

Dear Mr_Master52,

You’re assuming, good friend, that the yak species is on the wane. Truth is, yaks are prodigious breeders and in no danger of becoming extinct. Your culling is even doing some good, keeping the numbers down before Neitiznot becomes a nation of yaks and a few pet Fremennik.

I would say, however, that you are missing a few yak delicacies by simply killing them. Yak milk makes great (and rather hazardous) cheese, while its droppings will deter even the most persistent ogre. I would recommend a good bit of yak rodeo, too - just see if you can beat my record of 5m 39s!

Have a surströmming day,


Dear Lumbridge Guide,

When I first entered the realm of RuneScape, a few years back now, there was no Lumbridge Guide. So, it got me wondering: what you did before you became the guide? Were you a warrior? A wise man?

From Tjb1231

Dear Tjb1231

An interesting question, adventurer. The truth is that I have had many professions, although, apart from a time I spent keeping owls, most of them have been scholarly in nature. I have been a teacher of history, a travelling dictionary salesman, an encyclopaedist (I wrote the “g” section of the Encyclopaedia Giganticus), and even, for a brief time, a librarian in the Varrock Library.

Unfortunately, however, Reldo and I didn't always see eye to eye, and, when I suggested that we introduce a magic-indexing system, he got rather cross. That's when I decided to move to Lumbridge, to establish myself as a source of information for travellers. Believe it or not, it is considerably less stressful than being a librarian!

Until we meet again,


Dear Captain Cain, SIR!

I hope this letter finds you well, SIR! and that you are holding off the penance waves easily, SIR! I have a few questions I would like to ask, SIR! Firstly SIR! it seems a while since your outpost received any attention from the RuneScape Council, SIR!, and I am wondering if they need to review your finances, SIR! Not to be offensive, SIR!, but your decorations are looking a bit worn down, SIR! and your magicks are fairly outdated!

SIR! Secondly, SIR!, I have a matter that I wish to clear up once and for all, SIR! Many fellow soldiers I have fought against have been spreading a terrible rumour, SIR! They say that using the egg cannon during waves 1- 9 will make the team lose points SIR! Sometimes this story includes a variation in which the penalty does not apply if the collector fires the cannon, SIR! Please dispel this anecdote at once, SIR!

Thank you for reading this letter, SIR!

Yours sincerely, SIR!

Private Rydonmower, SIR!

Atten-HUT, Private Rydonmower!

On your feet! I want fifty laps of RuneScape by lunchtime, now move - HUP, TWO, HUP, TWO, HUP, TWO!

Right then, you horrible little lot. You listen here, and you listen well. Use of the egg cannon during ANY of the waves of Barbarian Assault, by ANY of the squad, does not, repeat NOT, affect your squad's score in any way whatsoever. In fact, if I don't see one of you maggots up there using it, every single game, you're not doing your best to hold back those Penance waves. Do I make myself clear, private?

As for the decor of the BA cabin, it's harshly decorated for a reason. It's not a holiday resort, son, it's a working headquarters for serious military excercise. As much as you'd like to hang up some artwork and doilies, our appropriations fund goes on the equipment in our dispensors and important egg cannon maintenance.

By order of Captain Cain.

Dear Shantay,

You may recognise me at once, for I am undoubtedly on your most wanted list. I come to express my thankfulness for your services; over the last few years, I have been using you and your men as a shortcut to Port Sarim. I just walk up to you, say I'm an outlaw, you put me in jail, I refuse to pay the price and then - wham! - I'm transported to the so called 'maximum security' prison in Port Sarim. I then picklock my way out, thanks to the sleeping jailguard (I have never seen that man awake in my life) and hey presto: a quick shortcut to Port Sarim! Thank you very much for your services Shantay, it has helped me very much with my travels throughout RuneScape.

Yours truly,


Afternoon, effendi.

Bah! Have those work-dodgers in Port Sarim been sleeping on the job again? There was a time, effendi, when we would administer justice with a blackjack and scimitar; now, you outlaws get babysat by one of Port Sarim’s work experience lads.

I know why that Sarim lot do it. Walls, bars, gruel and communal showers can cost an arm and a leg. It’s best to stick a sleeping student in office, and let anyone with half a brain cell and a lockpick to blunder through. There's no need to pay for any amenities that way.

But what can I do about it? If I take the law into my hands and lop a criminal’s ear off, Osman docks my pay, so I have to limit myself to one ear per month. All that’s left is guiding adventurers into the desert, hoping they come unstuck in a smoke dungeon or kalphite lair. They’re both quick shortcuts to Lumbridge – why don’t you try them? No? Oh, go on.

Shantay, Guard of the Pass

From the Pen of Reldo

I recently received a letter asking me, in my expert opinion (well, the term used was 'smarty pants', harumph), which were the ten most powerful beasts of RuneScape. After much research in Varrock Palace Library, and from interviewing a number of adventurers, I have drawn up this list of known creatures, in order of their relative strength.

Please bear in mind that the terms 'powerful', 'beast' and 'of RuneScape' are subjective and open to interpretation, so this is only my personal viewpoint and is not necessarily representative of Varrock or King Roald.

1. The Beast 2. TzTok-Jad
Corporeal beast.gif
Most simply known as 'The Beast', this creature appears to be the manifestation (either spiritual or corporeal - it varies from source to source) of the souls of those who have died in the Wilderness. I do not know much of this beast, and even what I do know may not be the truth. It is, to my knowledge, the most powerful entity on RuneScape, by any measure.
Tztok jad.gif
TzTok-Jad was, until recently, considered to be the strongest creature on RuneScape. Born of the volcano and treated with great respect by a race of obsidian creatures called the TzHaar, TzTok-Jad loosely translates to 'obsidian fire elemental'.
3. K'ril Tsutsaroth 4. General Graardor
K ril tsutsaroth.gif
The demon called K'ril Tsutsaroth, one-time leader of Zamorak's armies on RuneScape, is next. All demons have names, and they believe that names have power, so they choose not to share them unless they believe themselves to be so powerful that it does not matter if their name is known. In fact, if a demon earns a certain level of notoriety, they can actually garner more power through the intimidation that their name brings.
General Graardor is from a race of creatures known as ourgs, one of the most powerful races bred by the god Bandos. Ourgs had been thought to have died out over the course of numerous wars, until what is now known as the God Wars Dungeon thawed out and this (hopefully) last remaining general with it. There is some evidence of a zombified creature called Slash Bash somewhere in the Feldip Hills, but it has not been established if this creature began life as an ourg or was just an abnormally large ogre.
5. Commander Zilyana 6. Kree'arra
Although technically not a 'beast', the next strongest creature is Commander Zilyana. As with General Graardor, her race, the icyene, were also thought to have either died out or left RuneScape. Much knowledge of the icyene race has been lost to time, although I have stumbled across a number of references to one by the name of Efaritay. All I can garner is that she was an enemy of the vampyre nation.
Kree arra.gif
The God Wars Dungeon once again provides us with a strong creature, though this one is also not a beast. Kree'arra is an aviansie, who, my books tell me, were the most beloved race of the god Armadyl, though they were thought to have been wiped out in the Third Age. References to the aviansie in my books suggest that they were a noble race of bird-men, and welcoming to their allies.
7. Balance Elemental 8. Tormented demons
Balance elemental.gif
Just this Wintumber, a passing adventurer informed me that he'd met and fought a being called the Balance Elemental. Presumably, it is related in some way to the more commonly known Chaos Elemental that stalks the Wilderness. The adventurer did say, however, that as strong and dangerous as this elemental was, it did not appear to mean them any harm, and even spoke to them as if a friend...right before attacking them. How very odd.
Tormented demon.gif
The same adventurer also informed me of tormented demons, something which I, in my many years, have not even seen hinted at. They were described to me as taller than greater demons, and seemingly in a state of perpetual torment - magically flaying skin and on fire! - which made them even more angry and dangerous than 'normal' demons. Whatever demon realm they were summoned from must have required an immense amount of power to open. As nasty as these demons sound, I'm personally more afraid of whatever brought them to RuneScape...
9. Ket-Zek 10. The Inadequacy
Ket zek.gif
The ninth strongest beast on RuneScape is, like TzTok Jad, found in the volcano of the TzHaar: the Ket-Zek. It's name roughty translates to either 'guard dog' or...'big hurt'? Hmm, I'm not quite sure that's the correct translation; my TzHaar is a little rusty. Anyway, it is reputed to be a creature with powerful magical and physical attacks, and it is one well worth avoiding.
The Inadequacy. This last 'creature' may be stretching things a little, as it apparently only exists within the dreams of one man. According to this hero, he struggles with this being on a regular basis...but only in his sleep! Thinking about it now, it does sound silly, but he was quite adamant that it was real. Indeed, over his many visits to my library we have become firm friends, and he is not one to lie. Come to think of it, I've not heard from the fellow in some time. I hope all is well with him.


RuneScape Duel Cards

Rather conveniently, I have some old RuneScape Duel Cards from when I had youth, arms and more free time. The ten creatures that Reldo mentioned are present for you to download, print and play with as you see fit! If I remember rightly, the values on these cards aren't exactly the same as they are in RuneScape, but they should give a decent impression of the creature's power.

runescape duels cards

Rules of RuneScape Duels:

How Do I Win? - The aim of RuneScape Duels is to win all of your opponent's cards. The player who holds all of the RuneScape Duel cards is the winner.

How Do We Start? - Shuffle the cards together and deal half of them to you and half to your opponent. The dealer plays first.

How Do We Play? - The player who starts first must read one value from their uppermost RuneScape Duels card. This can be the card's Attack value, Ranged value, Magic value, Agility value or RuneScape Power (a measure of how notorious the creature is). Once the starting player has read out their chosen value, the opposing player must read out their corresponding value. For example, if one player reads out an Agility value, the opposing player must also read out the Agility value of their uppermost card.

The card with the highest value wins the duel. The owner of that card takes the losing card from their opponent and moves both cards to the back of their deck. That winning player then reads another value from their next card. RuneScape Duels continues until one player wins all of the cards.

Download: Cards 1-3 | Cards 4-7 | Cards 8-10

Postie Pete

This posting lark really helps to lose some of those festive pounds. Keep them coming so I can lower my BMI even further! It's more SMI with me, however.

Send your letters to [email protected].

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Next month...are my calculations correct?

Postie Pete