What's the matter, Jad? Chicken?
|#38. What's the matter, Jad? Chicken?|
|Release date||5 February 2009 (Update)|
|Type||Postbag from the Hedge|
|Infobox • Infobox talk page|
What's the matter, Jad? Chicken? is the thirty-eighth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.
Respondents[edit | edit source]
Mentioned[edit | edit source]
- Foundation for Underprivileged & Restricted Rodents & Yaks
Transcript[edit | edit source]
It was added on 5 February 2009.
Being Jad must be less fun than you'd first imagine. Kept as a 'pet' in the hot depths of the Fight Caves, he must defeat legions upon legions of adventurers. He doesn't even get to read the Postbag down there, which is probably a good thing, as we have a little fun at his expense this month. - PP
I have always wondered why you never go in the garden with your wife, the Queen? It puzzles me, as she did it all for you, presumably to reduce your stress. Yet, you are always in there with your adviser. I, personally, think you should spend some time with her.
Dear loyal subject,
My beloved wife is very proud of her garden. I’m not certain, however, that all the hard work is hers, as she claims. I have never seen her moving heavy statues about and her fingernails are always impeccably clean.
Still, I must show my appreciation for her efforts, which means overcoming my plant allergies. With that in mind, my best inventors have developed a pollen-proof inflatable ball, known as the 'Royal Roller', for me to move around in. Every time I go in the garden, however, my wife shoos me away, accusing me of making the place untidy. Twice she has told me that the Roller clashes with the flowers, and she believes I'll just blunder into things and accidentally uproot one of her beloved trees. Last time I entered the garden, I was ordered to leave because I was blocking the sunlight from her roses!
A garden shed is what I need, to think about those important things in life, and possibly practise my low-level magic. It would have to be kept secret from my wife, of course - she hasn't forgiven me for the last time I practised a spell on her: I had to shear her wool for a week and bring her the finest Kandarin grass until the spell wore off.
HM King Roald
I am incredibly impressed with your accumulator. I use it all the time, but i just noticed: has it been magnetising my knives? No matter which direction I throw them from, they always land pointing north! I hope you can shed some light on the subject.
P.S - Will you be looking into making an upgraded version?
I won’t ask why you’ve been throwing knives. Still, no scientist can resist an unsolved problem, so I’ve been dropping kitchen knives from the top of Draynor Manor. Rather irritatingly, your findings seem to be correct.
I have managed to disprove your hypothesis, however; I reversed the polarity of your accumulator and the knives kept pointing north. My hypothesis at first glance seems strange: the knives fall northwards because of dinner etiquette.
When you sit down to dinner, your knives must always be to your right, your forks to your left and spoons running across the top. It seems that, over the years, the knives have gained some ‘metal memory’ from this practice. Now, if you leave a knife to fall naturally (as a knife would in the wild), it lands northwards, in preparation for a dessert spoon and fork to land with it.
PS – How exactly would you like your accumulator upgraded, sir? Would you like it pink? With bells and whistles on? Or would you like it to collect your knives?
I can't see your face, and I don't know your name.
So tell me dear leprechaun, what is your game?
Who gave you that job, if I might be so bold?
Shouldn't you be guarding your crock full of gold?
You stand at the farming plots holding our tools
I seriously think you consider us fools.
By the time you give something I need for my seeds,
The whole of my plot has now turned into weeds!
You run to the swamps for the vampires to bite me,
I honestly think you just do it to spite me!
You hide behind rocks and you hide behind trees,
You know how to bring a young lass to her knees!
I don't think you're good at your job or half zealous
More of a shade of the little green jealous!
The gardeners here have got something to do,
And of course little man, they are taller than you!
Think again greenish fella, when turning your back,
Have you thought of things I could do with this sack?
one day I will stamp on your silly green hat!
And what little man will you say about that?
So I'll leave you my dibber, my buckets and trowel,
'cause for your information, I'm off on the prowl,
While you're holding my tools, it will be my great pleasure,
To search for your rainbow...AND STEAL ALL YOUR TREASURE!
(An annoyed Farmer)
Well, my name is Patrick; I'm a farmer by trade,
I'm sorry you're angry 'bout the way I've behaved,
But I've tried, so I have, to make your life brighter,
By holdin' your tools, so's you might travel lighter.
I can see that you're cross 'bout the weeds on your plot,
But we leprechaun folk are a capable lot,
So maybe, young mistress, it's not us you should blame,
For the weeds that are growing on your plot again.
Now I may not be tall, or look all that jazzy,
But soon, dear Tully, I'll be looking quite snazzy;
My feelings aren't hurt by the jibes in your letter,
'Cause one day quite soon I'll be looking much better!
And as for your claim, miss, that you'll take all me gold,
That's as hollow a boast as I've ever heard told,
For everyone knows that a leprechaun's money,
Is harder to steal than an angry bee's honey.
So the next time you find yourself getting so cross,
Remember that, with farming, it's me who's the boss!
And though you may not find us leprechauns charming,
There's no other folks that know more about farming.
I was outside pickpocketing the guard...er...getting a haircut, when I began to wonder: what is your Agility level? I tried looking you up, but it didn't show you on the Highscores! Is it so high that it sits above the top two million rankings for Agility? You can't take many breaks...
A rat-loving friend, Pauliefun
(Dictated to Postie Pete while Ridgeley runs) Greetings friend,
I actually donate my Agility xp to worthier causes, as I've got more than I could ever need. In fact, I've even established my own charity organisation. My Foundation for Underprivileged & Restricted Rodents (& Yaks) is a lifeline for those rats, chinchompas, mice and others that do not have access to Agility training areas or obstacle courses. By donating my extra XP, I feel like I'm giving something back to nature and restoring balance to the world.
The hairdresser is not as thoughtful and caring as me, but I understand just how important it is to remember the little ones. I will never let my talent obscure my view of the creatures beneath me. I may have good looks, astronomical Agility skills and worldwide fame, but I am still little Ridgeley from the block.
You can show your own support for my cause by donating a piece of cheese the next time that you are in the area. Your cheese donation will make a real difference, helping me to run as fast as possible, obtaining optimum levels of XP. For just two pieces of cheese a month, you will be helping me to raise the Agility experience of a yak by five whole levels.
F.U.R.R.Y. Registered Charity No. 1337
Are there any more of the Mahjarrat sealed away? We know that you and Akthanakos were sealed and Sliske is hiding in the 'shadows', but are there more than the nine of you? My friend said that there's one called Zeox, sealed near Falador, but is he bluffing? I am told that he is near some rocks with weird-looking symbols on them.
'Zeox' is not a name used by my kin, at least not in our own tongue. I suppose it could be that one of us had taken a title more amenable to the weaklings who believe they rule this world, but I cannot imagine that such a name would find favour anywhere near the deluded city of the White Knights.
To answer your more sensible question, I do not know how many of us remain upon this world. Since my release, I have resumed connections with the closest of my allies, and sent my agents to observe my enemies - but we Mahjarrat are accustomed to the shadows, and the mortal eyes I must use to search for my kin are not. I have discovered that many of us have entered the death-sleep, and that Mizzarch, Lamistard and Ralvash were the most recent to face the void in the Ritual.
It is possible that some of the weaker of my tribe survive in hiding - Jhallan was always so inclined, it is the way of the cowardly and weak-willed. Kharshai may yet live, I can sense no trace of his death upon this world, but nor can I sense his pulse; perhaps his neutrality has earnt him a prison such as mine was.
Be aware, mortal, there could be as many as a hundred of us still upon this world, with dozens more returned from other realms, but equally there could be as few as ten, each as mighty as one of your armies.
Finally, be sure of one thing: Sliske does not hide. An ally he may be, but I did not become master of my Lord's legions without being sure of the powers wielded by those close to me. Sliske is one whose actions can be seen each and every day in the smallest of this world's details.
For the honour of my Lord,
I’ve often wondered – as I’m sure you have – just how dangerous TzTok-Jad is. Well, fellow warriors, wonder no more! Having spent decades of my life in battle with the most dangerous of creatures, and an equal amount of time calculating how many tinderboxes it would take to set Morytania alight, I can assuredly provide you with the theoretical results of the most epic battle never to have graced the Fight Cave of the TzHaar city: TzTok-Jad vs. Chickens!
Unfortunately, chickens are categorically incapable of hurting TzTok-Jad, so I’ve had to use roosters. Not quite the same, but amusing nonetheless.
- For simplicity’s sake, assume that TzTok-Jad can be swamped by any number of roosters, each of whom would be capable of pecking at him simultaneously. How many said roosters would be required for the mighty beast of magma to fall to a single peck from each rooster; that is, how many pecks does it take to defeat TzTok-Jad, ignoring any opportunity for him to regenerate or to call upon his Yt-HurKot henchmen?
- More complexity. Assume that the roosters cannot stand upon each other’s heads, therefore leaving space for only 24 roosters to attack at any one time. Ignoring TzTok-Jad’s ability to regenerate, how long would it take those roosters to defeat him, and how many more would be required?
- Finally, how many roosters must survive to the last wave of the Fight Cave to have a chance of defeating TzTok-Jad when his regeneration and Yt-HurKot assistance are accounted for?
It should be noted that chickens are capable of fighting diagonally, but only when in the Fight Cave. This little-known fact accounts for the fact that TzTok-Jad is actually allergic to chicken, even though the temperature in the TzHaar city is actually too high for any normal chicken to survive longer than a few minutes. For convenience, I assume roosters can do the same.
First, some interesting numbers:
A rooster has 7 Hitpoints. They have a 0.77% chance of hitting TzTok-Jad, and then only a 50% chance of inflicting a measly 1 Hitpoint in damage. Against an Yt-HurKot they are much more successful, and have a 5.48% chance of hitting, followed by the same 50% chance of inflicting 1 Hitpoint of pain.
TzTok-Jad has 250 Hitpoints, and will ordinarily regain 1 lost Hitpoint every minute. When he has 150 Hitpoints left, four Yt-HurKot will spawn to heal him. As a godly creature of magma-fuelled destruction, TzTok-Jad has an average chance (across all attack methods) to hit a rooster of 99.78%, and has an average maximum hit of 96.5 damage.
Yt-HurKot have 60 Hitpoints, and will heal 1 Hitpoint per minute. They have a 98.85% chance of hitting a rooster, and can inflict up to 11 Hitpoints damage.
Right, on with the amusing theories…
- Each rooster has a 0.385% chance of wounding TzTok-Jad, so you need 259.74 roosters to inflict one Hitpoint of damage. As TzTok-Jad has 250 Hitpoints, it will therefore require 64,935 roosters to defeat TzTok-Jad in a single instant of frenzied pecking.
- Because we can still assume that 64,935 pecks are required, and that 24 occur each attack cycle (which, for a rooster, is approximately every 2.4 seconds), we can know that it will take 6,493.5 seconds, or 1 hour 48 minutes 13.5 seconds. Not bad, for a pack of feathered wimps, I’m sure you’ll agree! The roosters, however, are constantly being attacked by TzTok-Jad, who has a 99.78% chance of hitting a rooster in melee, and a 92.75% chance of killing them outright with each hit, so he has a 92.55% chance of killing a rooster with every attack. In the time he survives, TzTok-Jad would be able to slay 2,509 roosters, so you would then only need 2,533 roosters (because you still need 24 roosters around Jad at the time of his demise).
- Roosters are foolish creatures and unlikely to think of attacking the Yt-HurKot as they arrive to heal their master, so it would then become effectively impossible.
- If, however, the roosters were elevated intellectually to the level at which this would occur to them, they could easily continue to attack TzTok-Jad while the remaining thousands of feathered beasts deal with the irritating little blighters. This will, of course, take much longer and require far more birds.
- TzTok-Jad heals himself at a rate of 1 every minute, while the 24 roosters are inflicting 1 point of damage every 25.97 seconds on average, so the roosters instead inflict 1.31 Hitpoints of damage every minute (TzTok-Jad having healed one Hitpoint during that time). This means that it will take them 1 hour 16 minutes 20.4 seconds to get TzTok-Jad to 150 health, thus spawning the wretched Yt-HurKot, and a further 1 hour 54 minutes 30 seconds to finish him off if the other roosters are capable of occupying them. TzTok-Jad, therefore, will be able to slay 4,593.65 roosters in the 3 hours 10 minutes 50.4 seconds the battle lasts.
- The Yt-HurKot, meanwhile, will no doubt be finishing a few off themselves. The chickens have a 2.74% chance of doing 1 point of damage to an Yt-HurKot every 2.4 seconds, but 8 can attack each of them, so will do 0.21 Hitpoints’ damage every time they attack. At this rate, it will take them 12 minutes 45.6 seconds to kill an Yt-HurKot (including the time calculated for the Yt-HurKot’s normal regeneration). In that time, however, their prey will finish off 172.43 roosters. As Yt-HurKot only respawn regularly if TzTok-Jad gets back to full health, the birds will only have to face 4 of them and suffer a loss of 689.72 of their number.
- In total, this means that you will need 5,308 roosters to make it through the previous 63 waves in order to have good odds of winning a fire cape. Of course, roosters have no need of capes, so they’ll probably just ask for some TokKul so they can save up for an onyx to craft into a ring of stone, in the hope that at least one of their hens will survive the brutal culling they face every day at the hands of eager fletchers and adventurers completing Cook’s Assistant.
This posting lark really helps to lose some of those festive pounds. Keep them coming so I can lower my BMI even further! It's more SMI with me, however.
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Next month...it's all a bit comical.Postie Pete