Transcript:The trouble with trolls

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This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 29 November 2007.

This month has been one long brainteaser for me! I've attempted to get my head round Mr. Mordaut's unbreakable chisels, I've tried to decipher troll wit and I've had a crack at understanding the Chaos Elemental's noticeboard. Intrigued? Read on!

Dear Ug the Troll,

Hello my ugly and rather friend, the other day i was thinking about the difficult and rather irritating quest that i accomplished by bringing you and your troll-crush aga together, and a thought occurred to me-if troll are named after the first thing they try to eat, what did you try to eat? i mean, i have never heard of such an object as an "Ug". Oh, i must apologise, i will try to say this so you understand - why troll people call you "ug"? is ug a yummy for the tummy? did you try to eat the yummy ug? WHAT IS AN UG?!?!?!

decidedly, your matchmaker


I not Ugly, I Ug. Ugly live someplace else, silly post skull thing. I answer, tho.

Troll not always named after first thing dey eat. Sometimes, when troll not know what thing called dey eat, dey take name from sound it make. Sound it make usually good name for thing - like der cuckoo. It called a cuckoo 'cos it go 'cuckoo, cuckoo' even when you bite it, stupid birdie. I think der tech-er-nickel term for dat be 'on a mat of peas' or something... I think dat sounds messy, tho.

Anyhoos, der first thing I ate, I was not sure what it called, but when I bit it on der head it went 'ug', so dats my name. Love rival Arrg named same way. There is also trolls named from what thing dey eat look like, if it not make sound. Some uvver trolls you might not heard of is Himself, Mister Please No Don't Eat Me, and Grey Rocky thing What Looked Like A Rock But Not A Rock...we call him Grey fer short.

I think Aga named after some sorta jelly, tho. I like jelly... I love Aga...


Dear Mr Mordaut,

You have just recently been introduced to the adventurers or this realm, but you have quickly proven yourself extremely wise, often being called the wisest in all of RuneScape's several realms. This is why I pose a few questions to you that none other has been able to answer.

Firstly, scientists have proven long ago that a diamond is the hardest substance known to man. How is it then that our common chisels (seemingly made of iron) can so easily and quickly cut them? Are they enchanted with some unknown spell? If that is the case, how are they so common and cheap?

Secondly, many have replied to the first question by saying that the hardest substance known to man is actually the other-worldy metal known simply as Dragon. If this is the case, how could the fables Dragon Square Shield have been broken in the first place? What could have possibly broken it if there is no stronger material than it? And how is a wooden Ent capable of breaking a Dragon Axe, often called a Dragon Hatchet?

Seeking Enlightenment,


Well adventurer, I shall enlighten you to the best of my ability.

Diamond was for a long time the hardest substance known to man, but man's knowledge is not boundless. Scientists have 'proven' many things throughout history only to have them disproved later. This is the nature of science; discoveries are always destined to be overshadowed by further research.

Diamond is incredibly hard due to its complex crystal structure, however this structure which lends it strength also gives it weaknesses. Cutting a diamond requires skill and finesse rather than brute force. One must exploit the flaws to your advantage. Why do you think it takes an experienced craftsman to cut gems?

As for dragon, I'm afraid that my knowledge of this unique metal is limited – the dragonkin never divulged the secret of how it is made, and I have been unable to break it down to its chemical elements due to it's extreme resistance to physical attack or heat. Indeed I have far more research to do into armour from the Barrows of Morytania and the God Wars Dungeon before I can even say for certain whether Dragon is the hardest metal on RuneScape.

So, how did the dragon squareshield break in two? Perhaps there is some unimaginably powerful element that we haven't discovered yet... I like the mystery of this possibility. It is not a good to live in a world where everything is known, and even worse to live in a world where everything is presumed to be known.

Mr. Mordaut

Dear Bartender of the Blue Moon Inn, or what is your real name? Dr.mad? Or are you one of those pinguins? and observing humans? It wasn't very smart talking about your secret plans! You spoke about a "Magic Box wich can do all sort of Stuff" wich you call "Computer" and you call the world a "Game". This obviously means you're going to put the whole world in you "Magic Box" and i dunno what u want with that! rule it?! I'm going to tell the king of Varrock about your filthy plans and jail you up! Buhahaha!

See you in jail!

P.S: It was already suspicious that you let all that scum in your pub.

Ah it's you again Greatkill144,

I remember when I first told you my theory; you looked at me like I was a madman. Well if you are going to think of me as a madman, I would prefer Dr. Mad to Mr. Mad.

But I am not mad, nor do I have plans to rule the world! I've got evidence, matey. Who do you think controls that voice inside all of us? You know, the voice which says 'nothing interesting happens' when we use a pot of flour on a cannon, or that tells us we've got the wrong axe axe to chop down a tree? It's the magic box I'm telling you lad!

Once, I even had a dream that the magic box was being controlled by a fleshy magic box that looked like you and me. Imagine that! If that were true then surely they might be controlled by a magic box themselves. It could stretch to infinity! It might even go in a great big circle like a kebbit with three legs, until somewhere there is a magic box which ultimately controls all of them. It's all a bit of a mindbender ain't it lad?

Ooh, I'm feeling dangerously sober right now. Time for some grog, I think.

The Bartender

Dear Banker hiding in the tree west of Draynor Bank,

What are you doin' up there mate? You've been in that tree since The Wise Ol....I mean, since someone robbed the bank...Why are you hiding in a tree? Are you surveilling so the bank don't get robbed again, or are you just there because you're still scared? I mean, c'mon, it's been a year or more since the bank was robbed, you could get down...

PS: Sorry for hitting you with my ax when I tried to cut the tree.

Yours sincerely, Blastiblue.


Dear Blastiblue,

Give over, I'm a guard! And who wants to be a banker, anyway? They don't have us guard's three-year life expectancy, oh no. They don't get paid a pittance for being killed, just for the potato seeds in our pockets. They don't get a corrupt union that ignores their gripes and grievances, no siree.

Anyway, the 'Suave' is on a stakeout, mate: undercover, clandestine and hush-hush. I'm in charge of catching that smug swine, and I'll get him before he thinks of lifting anything else. We have files on him - big beefy files that could sink the Lady Zay - and it's just a matter of time before he feels the 'Suave' heat and gets nicked.

Now, if only I could get down...

Darius 'Suave' Aniseed, a guard.

P.S. - The 'Suave' accepts your apologies. The 'Suave' also accepts your stew - stakeout makes a keeper of the peace pretty darn famished, after all.

Dear Reldo - Librarian of Varrock,

I recently visited the very pleasent and serene Dragon-tooth Isle. This is my most favorite place in Runescape to visit and meditate at. I was wondering if you could tell me the history of the island and how far does it lie from the "Eastern Lands"? If it is such a peaceful place how did it come to have the name Dragon-tooth Isle? Also in an area so close to the rule of the Vampyres the Saradomin statue is a most puzzling sight on this island.

Im very curious as to the significance of this island and if it will play a role in access to the undiscovered "Eastern Lands" in the future. Any information you could share would be most appreciated. As usual thanks for the history and geography lesson!

Sincerely, Tyndarius(A curious and interested adventurer)

My dear Tyndarius,

Just last month I received a parcel of documents pertaining to Dragontooth Island, and I must say that they were very interesting reading indeed. There was even some sort of vague map of the place, though I believe it was a child's scrawl as it featured a terribly clichéd map to some buried treasure (it was even marked with an X, would you believe).

In general terms, I have gathered that Dragontooth Island was once some sort of outpost for Saradomin's forces many thousands of years ago and, during the God Wars or soon after, the garrison and all their facilities were quite brutally erased from the surface of RuneScape. A tragic tale, I'm sure you'll agree.

As for the 'Eastern Lands' you speak of, I've generally equated them with fairy tales told to impressionable children, but I concede that it is possible that these lands exist. As most of the fairy tales refer to 'grate fiery beastes enwrapt in poisons' and 'one-legged, one-eyed men of lymestone', I'm inclined to believe that they are not very close to Dragontooth Island at all.

Saradomin's statue, on the other hand, is much less mysterious, having been erected a mere hundred years ago by a group of refugees from Morytania who once went looking for those Eastern Lands. What became of them is, of course, unknown. I believe there are some in the Warriors' Guild who know more of these matters, but alas; warriors tend to be too preoccupied with their axes to tell stories.

Your brother in the pursuit of knowledge,

Dear Burntmeat,

I'm sorry, but I cannot hold it any longer. Your cooking is disgusting! I mean, you must be very unskilled in the art of cooking! Every thing you cook is burnt! You don't cook things, you BURN things! Its no wonder all the other trolls are so angry, they must not eat alot because all you can cook is a bunch of trash! Actually, Trash would be better then your gross cooking! Why don't you hire someone to teach you how to cook. I would teach you, but for a fee of course... only, lets say... 50 Goutweeds. That sounds good, right? Only a small amount of your herbs for some excellent cooking classes. I'm sure you would get alot of tips from the other trolls for your cooking. What do you say?

With much grief,

Gift Shop

Dear place where Burntmeat can buy a sue sou soo-van-ear teddy bear,

You must be confusing Burntmeats cookin' wif uver trolls cookin'. Burntmeat is da best cook of all trolls. Best cook of all humans too. Why wud Burntmeat need to learn at cookin'. Burntmeat should be top head troll of der cooking gild!

Sometimes wot Burntmeat be cookin' is trash, Burntmeat owns up to that. But only when Burntmeat's got sum good trash for der cookin'. It hard to get flames hot enough to burn der trash good when Burntmeat not got a wizard wif the Supperheat. Dat best of all magic spells to trolls, der other ones are just all tingly on der skin if you ask Burntmeat.

Burntmeat fought about your idea for other troll fingers tips and tried cookin' dem. Dey is not very nice, even when cooked really really really hot and uver trolls complain lots too. Burntmeat not askin you for more cookin' recipes, you not understand der troll pal mallet pallat.

Happy cookin', human!
Burntmeat da troll

Dear Evil Chicken,

We have had many encounters in the past even during Recipie for disaster when I saw your awesome lair! Nice Man! How'd you hire the dragons? Yet after the many times ive skinned you and on rare occasions use your feathers to make arrows, I wonder, why dont you give up?

and come on, your a chicken, your supposed to be running not chasing! And howd you learn magic? Must be cool bieng the only chicken with magic abillities! Hope to be real good friends!


PS: Hope to see you soon ,Im itchin for a good fight!

Dear Gunsinmyback,

Ah, we meet again, fleshy, eggless whelp. Evil Chicken has been expecting you. You were fatty and unsatisfying when Evil Chicken last tasted you.

Your questions:

  1. The dragons certainly weren't hired, imbecilic meat-lolly. Evil Chicken seems to attract them. They come to Evil Chicken to pay their respects.
  2. Evil Chicken will never give up, never surrender. What else can an immortal, homicidal rooster do but eat all humans?
  3. Long ago, when Evil Chicken was still downy, Evil Chicken took evening classes in Magic. When term was over, Evil Chicken ate the class.

The only way Evil Chicken becomes friends with you is if you become an immortal, homicidal hen.

All my love,
Evil Chicken

Chaotic Old Tips

I decided it had been too long since I'd sat down for a cup of tea with my friend the Chaos Elemental, so this month I bounced off to the Wilderness for a visit. We sat down and had a lovely conversation - of course I didn't understand a word of it, but as far as I'm concerned he makes the best tea on RuneScape!

On my way out, I spotted a noticeboard. I couldn't make skull-nor-tail of it, so I left a viewing orb pointing right at it, under the Chaos Elemental's dresser (he never dusts under there!). Perhaps you fine folk will have more luck discerning the method in his madness?

Chaos Elemental's noticeboard

Anyway, that's it from me, but I'll see you all again next month, so keep sending me your letters and paintings! Send your letters to [email protected]

Don't forget – when you send us your amazing creations we can't accept links, so please don't send them to us!

Next month... Happy Chrimbo!

Postie Pete