Transcript:The Wise Old Man needs you...Part Two!

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This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 28 February 2008.

Hello, adventurers. I'm back, for the the second time this month, and I've had literally sack-loads of letters, limericks and pictures from you. Thousands of 'em, literally. It's far and away the busiest I've ever been - I think I need a holiday! - and all of the characters would like to thank you for your responses.

With so many responses, I had to rope in the aid of a couple of the other Petes to go through them all. Between us, we made sure to read every single one...and there were a lot of quality responses, which made it hard to pick just one response per letter.

We'd love to print more than one reply to each letter, but I'm overworked as it is (do post skulls have a union?). Maybe when the new minions I've ordered arrive, I'll be able to do more, but I bet I'll end up having to deliver those myself.

Note: please bear in mind that the responses below are from players and are their opinions, not necessarily the truth of the question they answer...

Bentnoze: 'Ello players.

Wartface: 'Ello players.

Bentnoze: We have questions for you.

Wartface: Lots of questions. But Wartface know answers already.

Bentnoze: You not know answers already! No listen to Wartface. Wartface think he know everything when he don't know how to spell own name.

Wartface: B-E-N-T-N-O-Z-E.

Bentnoze: That my name.

Wartface: Shut up.

Bentnoze: What we want to know is this. Who should be leader of the goblins? Who should take us to great victory? Who is Chosen Commander?

Wartface: They all same question.

Bentnoze: Wartface. I will close your mouth with big spikes.

Wartface: It true, though.

Bentnoze: Anyway, Bentnoze and Wartface agree on one thing. Goblins need big leader. But who should be disciple of Big High War God and why? I no believe that Zanik the one.

Wartface: No way I believe that Zanik the one either.

Bentnoze: So tell us who leader is. Tell us and give us some reasons. That is all.

Wartface: That is all.

Bentnoze and Wartface

Dear Honourable Generals Bentnoze and Wartface,

So, you would like to know who the Chosen Commander is, eh? Well, I would have thought the answer to this question would have been obvious even to a couple of completely braindead goblins such as yourselves. The Chosen Commander is not a goblin, since the best thing to come from the goblin tribes in recent times is currently trapped in a box in Yu'biusk, and after Zanik you two seem to be the most influential goblins, which is nothing to gloat about.

So, who do I think the Chosen Commander should be? Well ME of course! I can guarantee you there is none better, I have vanquished mighty foes such as a Jungle Demon, Elvarg the Dragon, an angry Dagannoth Mother, General Khazard, and the Culinaromancer and his animated food! I rediscovered the land of Isafdar, have dealt with vampyres, and even taught a troll (who are even more dim-witted than goblins) to farm! I have recently become learned in the construction and use of catapults, and I also know about the gnomes' war tortoises, which I believe could be adapted for goblin use!

Of course, if you wish to employ my services (without which you will all be utterly defeated), there will be cost involved. I will leave it up to you to make me an offer. However, I have also sent my very impressive resume to the penguins and I am expecting a substantial offer from them (their troops also seem more organised...and adorable).

So, with that I will leave you with the decision of either selecting me as your Chosen Commander or leaving yourselves to be defeated by me and my army of penguins.

Your Chosen Commander,

Hey there, summoner person,

I'm so excited that someone will soon be able to summon me into the plane of existence that is RuneScape; it's getting a bit lonely here on the spirit plane. From the little bits that Postie Pete has told me, RuneScape sounds like a place of such wonderment and beauty - I wish I could stay there forever!

You know, I'm a bit of a fan of the limerick and, well, I'd love to write some about RuneScape. The problem is it's all going to be so new to me, I don't have a clue where to begin.

So, I was wondering if you'd all tell me a bit about your experiences there - in the form of a limerick, of course - then I can start writing my own. It could be anything from these quests I hear you go on, your favourite skill, a popular person, a good memory...whatever you like, really. I'll start you all off with this one

I'm new to this plane; I'm LT,
Not much of it yet did I see,
So I'd like, if you will,
To explain all its thrills,
In limerick form, just like me.

Looking forward to reading all your limericks.

Your (soon to be new) summoning familiar,

Dear Postie Pete,

Here is my submission for the second letter from the most recent Postbag #28 from February 14th, the one from the summoned creature named LT who likes limericks. Since it's really impossible to summarize all of Runescape in a mere 5 lines of limerick, I decided to create a kind of limerick story. Hope this is what you were looking for.

Well, greetings, dear LT, I'm Norfin,
And Runescape's this realm I explore in.
If you love doing quests
And you "dig" treasure chests,
Then come here and visit us ... eh ... orften.

To understand all that you'll see,
You must take a journey with me.
We'll start as I started
In strange lands uncharted
A Level 1 noob inductee.

Our first stop is Tutorial Isle;
Where we'll learn a few skills for a while,
Then next thing you know,
To Lumbridge we'll go.
[And I won't choose a goofy hair style ...]

Once I wield a bronze sword, you'll think that'll
Be the time we dive straight into battle,
But then as our pulse quickens,
We'll fight menacing chickens
And then maybe some noob-eating cattle.

But soon our Attack will be growing;
'Tis then time for us to get going.
We will take a long walk
To the town of Varrock
Where tons of quests are for bestowing.

We'll then get some odd kind of job
Like pyramids we'll need to rob.
We'll build strange machines,
And fight kalphite queens,
And maybe find Jagex cat Bob.

Through Gielnor, we'll go far and wide,
With you, LT, there at my side.
We could save Camelot,
Or repair Burgh de Rott,
Or end up a groom or a bride.

And during our travels, we'll greet
Strange folks like Grimesquit and Burntmeat,
Plus Osman and Saniboch
And G.L.O. Caranock
And, oddly, some chaps all named "Pete".

You may find that our goals later change,
And we'll start to do things rather strange,
Like fletch bows for hours,
Farm marigold flowers,
Or burn logs in Varrock's Grand Exchange.

We'll mastermind daring escapes
And fight our way through many scrapes,
Then we'll join with a clan
And raise skills when we can,
Enough to earn several skillcapes.

As we fight in the God Wars (quite scary!),
We will get drops quite extraordinary.
We'll have millions in gold
(And that never gets old),
And they'll speak of us as legendary.

And so, LT, that's Runescape's story;
You've heard it in all of its glory.
So come visit this land!
Once you've seen it firsthand,
You'll always come back here for more. Eee.

Hope you enjoy this. It really was a lot of fun to create.

Sincerely, Norfin Ghane

Dear readers, writers and researchers,

These are dark times, indeed: each day I hear more reports of strange goings-on in Morytania, wicked deeds and foul murders in the west, unnatural creatures assaulting innocent wanderers, and worse things besides. Of special concern to me and my liege, King Roald, are the tales of the movements of the Mahjarrat.

Despite the fact that mighty Varrock has several times been threatened by these mysterious and evil creatures, we know shamefully little of what they are, where they come from and what their plans might be. We do, of course, know the Legend of Arrav, and a small scattering of other, shorter tales, but without an overview of their actions, the Mahjarrat remain a terrifying prospect. To this end, I am compiling a collection of all of the myths of the Mahjarrat to present to King Roald. With luck, we will be able to predict their plans and, if necessary, work to confound them.

So, with your extensive experience wandering the world and observing the subtleties of other cultures, I hope that you may be able to furnish me with your own thoughts on the history of these vile and manipulative fiends. Where are they from? What are they planning? How many remain to scar our wonderful world?

Yours academically,


Dear Reldo

This is actually my second response to your letter. The first one I realised was unsatisfying to your request. Firstly, it was too long, secondly, it dealt with many more conflicts than the Mahjarrat, and I realised that it was the Mahjarrat's history and what has happened to them that you were interested in knowing.

And so, without further delay, here's my version, based around historical facts, stories and events that I have laid my eyes and ears upon.

The Mahjarrat is a race of strong warriors, who originally came from another world, known to us only as Freneskae. This world was a world of constant warfare, which is why the Mahjarrat have come to become as strong as they are. The Mahjarrat are not by any means immortal, but their strength is far superior to most of the beings in RuneScape, and their lifespan far longer than humans. When the Mahjarrat first came to this world, they served under the desert god Icthlarin, the god of the dead. Then one day, during the second age, another god approached them and asked them to serve under his rule, this god was the dread lord Zaros, a name which has almost been forgotten by the world, as the Saradominists have done everything in their power to delete all traces of his existence throughout the ages. The Mahjarrat Azzanadra said of Zaros that this god understood the Mahjarrat and their ways much better than Icthlarin, and that Icthlarin had never controlled the Mahjarrat, and in all honesty, I don't think any god could possibly control the Mahjarrat against their will. The Mahjarrat eventually abandoned Icthlarin and joined forces with Zaros, and with them in his army he quickly became the ruler of large parts of the land.

It was when Zaros had become the strongest of Gods that Zamorak, merely a mortal Mahjarrat at the time and the general of Zaros's forces, had grown power hungry. Zamorak wished to take the power for himself, and so, with the help of some fellow Mahjarrat and the Vampyre Lord Drakan, he managed to get his hands on the Staff of Armadyl, a very powerful weapon.

Zamorak then encountered Zaros, wielding the Godstaff of Armadyl, but even though Zamorak had the help of a god's weapon, he was still not able to defeat Zaros. It was then that Zaros tripped and fell onto the Godstaff of Armadyl, which impaled him. A bright light was seen, and both began to fade out of existence. The battle was over and they were both gone, and as a result the Zarosian empire quickly fell to Saradomin's forces without a god to defend it.

But then one day Zamorak reappeared, reborn and now immortal. The Staff of Armadyl had transferred some of Zaros' godly powers to Zamorak, and he was now a god himself. The following thing that happened was the God Wars between the god Saradomin, Zamorak, Bandos and Armadyl.

While Zamorak and Zaros were gone, the Zamorakian and the Zarosian Mahjarrat fought, many were killed and more were trapped. Below I will explain about each individual Mahjarrat I have come to know of, who they are aligned to, and what has happened to them.

Let's start with the Zamorakian Mahjarrat.

  • Hazeel:
    • Hazeel is one of the physically strong Mahjarrats, he was a good friend of Zamorak and helped him betray Zaros. Hazeel eventually gained control of Ardougne, but was later overthrown by a mob and killed. Hazeel was later resurrected and has headed north to meet with the other Mahjarrat.
  • Lucien:
    • Lucien is a physically weak Mahjarrat, he helped betay Zaros by casting a spell on the Godstaff of Armadyl so that Zaros could not feel its presence. Lucien recently tried to get his hands on the Godstaff of Armadyl once again, but I prevented him from doing so. Lucien is expected to be heading north to meet with the other Mahjarrat.
  • Enakhra:
    • Enakhra managed to trap the Zarosian Mahjarrat Akthanakos in a temple which she built as a dedication to her loyalty to Zamorak. I managed to free Akthanakos and they have both headed north to fight.
  • Zemouregal:
    • Zemouregal is known from the Legend of Arrav, he's known to be able to infiltrate one's dreams and to be able to summon and control the undead. I speculate that Zemouregal is going to perform an attack on Varrock soon, and I fear that it will be with an undead Arrav by his side.

Now, onto the Zarosian Mahjarrat.

  • Azzanadra:
    • Azzanadra is probably Zaros' most loyal servant, and most likely also his strongest. Azzanadra is as close as a mortal can get to immortality, which is why he was trapped in a Pyramid, rather than killed. I managed to free Azzanadra from his prison during my travels, and in exchange he granted me the ability to use the Ancient Magicks of the Mahjarrat. I expect that Azzanadra will be heading north to fight the Zamorakian Mahjarrat.
  • Akthanakos:
    • Akthanakos was, as I mentioned earlier, trapped by Enakhra. After I freed him he went to battle with Enakhra, I expect that they have probably headed north.
  • Sliske:
    • Sliske is the last of the known Mahjarrat loyal to Zaros. He is known from the tale The Fall of the Six, and is the one who granted the Barrows Brothers their powers to fight Zamorak's evil hordes. I will continue to try to uncover more information about Sliske, but as of now this is all I know.

Other possible Mahjarrat is the Oracle. She looks like Hazeel, and she's definitely been in this world for a long time, but I can't seem to figure out where her allegiance is and how she's connected to the others.

I was once told by a wise gnome, who had the ability to see into the future, that amongst the Mahjarrat will be someone else, someone who does not belong there, someone who will fight them. I do not know who this person is, but I have a bad feeling that I'm going to be involved further in this matter.

I heard somewhere that there were about 100 Mahjarrats when they first came to RuneScape; by now, though, some must've died from age, others in battle. I don't think we have yet uncovered all of the remaining Mahjarrat, but I don't think there are much more than 10 of them left. It has been many ages and they have been at war for most of them.

I hope any of this have helped on your understanding of the Mahjarrat.

So, until the dark times must be fought Baralai22, Adventurer

Dear potential employees and investors,

Here at Oo'glog Recreational Relaxation Resorts Inc., we've been twisting the pseudonymic envelope on bleeding-edge, out-of-the-'off-the-shelf'-box thinking, in order to define a new paradigm in vacationeering.

Our intensive think-tank processes and self-reticulating mindwebs have given us a good deal of blue-sky mindspace in this oncoming, high-growth, low-risk, polyhedral direction but, we thought, why not reinvigorate our pre-programmed brand-perception with our baseline consumers as an open-door employer and organise a mass feedback exercise with you, the adventurers of RuneScape?

The bottom line: we would like to know how to better serve you in the development of our future recreational facilities, so we need to know what activities you'd like the opportunity to participate in.

Faithfully (to the minimum extent allowed within all applicable laws),
Balnea, Esquiress
Oo'glog Recreational Relaxation Resorts

My Dear Entrepreneurial Exemplar,

As rejoinder to your recent missive, I executed extensive market research and have discovered that there remain myriad potentialities to increase your clientele's proportionality vis-à-vis the populace of Gielinor. Whilst 31.79% of interviewees have at least heard of your fine establishment, a full 68.21% were not even conscious of its existence! There is a clear deficit opportunity in marketing, and besides the obvious tactical essay of letting front-page, full-color adverts in the Varrock news circular, it seems many people actually pay close attention to the verbalization of various town criers. You should strongly consider chartering them to expostulate The Spa's fine amenities, perhaps conjoining them with TGIF (Thank Guthix It's Friday) specials. Advert tabards are also a must .. and perhaps I can applicate Herald of Falador to include a Spa sigil amongst his selection of heraldic crests. Many other advertising possibilities inhabit the wherewithal of marketing spaces, but let me move on to the gist of your appeal.

There was an amazing spectrum of submissions from my interviewees, most of which were trivial and voiced by only one or two people. For example, among the least ridiculously business negative were: a petting zoo, a Zen rock garden (whatever that might be ... I never got a clear explanation, though perhaps pet rocks might enjoy it?), a seaweed soak, a yoga hut (again, an unclear conceptualization), and a pollen emporium (for beekeepers?). I could go on and on, but you get the conjuration.

Fortunately, amid the guttural chaff, I was able to glean two clear consensus suggestions:

  • Amongst the knowledgeable 31.79% of interviewees, 83.2% of whom have actually used The Spa's facilities, there was a startling consensus regarding a glaring omission in amenities. Whilst there were many variations on its specific details, I have collated them into a single, utilizable mission statement of functionality with well nigh universal consumer magnetism: The Spa requires a Pool of Restoration. Although everyone enthusiastically enjoys an excellent boost in one or more stats, a bathing area that simply restores drained points for any and all skill interfaces will draw clients to the area like hive-oriented insectoids to starflower nectar. As such a beneficial pool would necessarily need to be built from scratch, I would endorse your organizing a quest to enlist personnel to assist in its construction. While the majority of respondents were not particularly enthusiastic to consider anything but a magically ... poof! there it is! ... generated water feature, more conscientiously inclined citizen adventurers would be happy to assist in its creation. Personally, I would be pleased to gather and process quantities of the snapdragon herb and red spider eggs, which would facilitate the imbuement of desired qualities to a new pool. Likewise, in the unfortunate event that super restore potions continue not to influence the Summoning skill, I would unreservedly gather the requisite amount of spirit weed and cockatrice eggs to impart this sine qua non quality to the bath.
  • In marked contrast to the judiciousness of a Pool of Restoration, a second idea bubbled forth from the cauldron of trivial ideation and was recommended by an overwhelming 92.6% of the sans clue population who had not even heard of The Spa, as well as by sizable majorities of the conversant interview consortium (87.4% of those who had heard but not traveled thereto and a surprising 76.5% of those serious adventurers who had at least visited, if not vacationed therein). In short, the populace of potential clientele wants Bathing Suits! Whilst I myself find that a quick dip in the salt-water spring suffices to rinse away hunter muck, most respondents were highly in favor of a variety of swim wear in order to keep their regular togs pristine. My initial reaction was somewhat dismayed, having witnessed that which passes for couture amongst The Spa's staff, but upon exceeding ponderation I have developed a solution: Sling Shots. Tell your staff they are Sling Shots. Single barreled Sling Shots. Double barreled Sling Shots. Boulder strength (for, say, sarongs), down to pebble strength (use your imagination ... but nothing too risqué, of course). Wearable Sling Shots. One caution, however: the sales potential is so tremendous, you must ensure a nearly infinite supply before making them available to the public, who, of course, will also enjoy the intrinsic hilarity of buying these "weapons" from your beauteous ogre staff.

I hope you will most seriously consider implementing these two functionalities, although I already spend too much time visiting your delectable facilities and there exists a risk potential that I may never again leave the premises!

Yours in 10 Percentage Commission-Based Capitalism,

Arr me hearties,

I be needin' your help! Poor ol' Cracked Jenny's Tea Cup isn't well – he won't eat his crackers and he's gettin' awful skinny. I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what be wrong with him but somethin's sure up.

I tried takin' him down to the dungeon so he could watch adventurers trip over their own shoelaces, which usually cheers him up no end, but he wasn't interested. I tried feeding him a whole bottle of grog - none of the cheap stuff, neither - but he didn't cheer up at all. What can I do?

My only hope is to get him somethin' so tasty he has to eat it, but, apart from crackers and grog, I don't know what's good for parrots. I be hopin' you can help me, adventurers. I need a recipe for the greatest parrot treat their ever was, else soon I might be dealing with an ex-parrot and I don't know how I could live without out ol' Crackie.

Yarrrrrs truly,
Cap'n Izzy No-beard

Dear Captain,

So sorry to hear your bosom companion and friend is ailing. Perhaps he is simply bored to near fatal extreme with his unchanging diet of grog and crackers. Yes, yes, I know it's hard to imagine being bored by grog. But he is a parrot after all, and not a pirate. I have discussed this problem at length with persons I am told are experts on the subject of seagoing parrots and what's best for them. (Mostly in the pub...since this appears to be where all leading experts on everything spend their time.) As a result, I can tell you with confidence that parrots like FRUIT. Amazing, I know, but there it is!

Yes, it seems that by some peculiarity of nature, parrots actually like papaya, berries, and fruits of all kinds! They are said to need lots of vitamin A, and are rumored to actually like vegetables! I'm told nuts and grains are good for them as well. Don't feed them avocado as this is poison to them...and there's a couple other things that are not good for parrots, but I forget what they are. If you can stand to handle such things, and then can actually offer them to the parrot he may be cured. Just hold your breath and try not to think to much about the ingredients while you work. The pub parrot experts have assured me the treat recommended below is one no parrot can resist, guaranteed to work, or your money back.Of course I didn't pay them anything.

Recipe for parrot's delight follows:

  • 1/2 cup unseasoned nut pieces
  • 2 cups mixed grain (oats and such)
  • 1 to 2 tbsp honey
  • 1 cup mixed dried fruit , cut in parrot-bite sized pieces
  • (papaya and other solid fleshed, vitamin A rich fruit.)


  • The empty shell of one chicken egg, well washed/rinsed,dried, and crushed to a fine dust.
  • 1 tbsp. Unsulphured raisins

If using a coal fired range for baking: the fire should be banked, and just the barely glowing embers, well covered with ash still remaining before you make this treat.

Combine fruit with honey, grain and nuts, and all, put this mixture in a lightly, but evenly greased baking dish. Now, bake it in an oven prepared as directed above. Just until it's all nicely dried on the outside and the grains are a bit crispy and beginning to turn golden.

[If you are feeling very brave, and are certain you can endure the stench of non cracker based foods, do this yourself.] Store this in a cool dry place and feed only a small amount at a time.

Warning: This is strictly a treat, like candy. Not a healthy diet.

Mostly it seems what's good for yourself, is good for your parrot.

Love to Crackie

Amiantique, Busybody ad lit um
Port Sarim, Lumbridge
and environs

P.S. Reducing Crackie's grog ration couldn't hurt, you can always use the excess yourself. So as not to let it go to waste.

Party, dudes!

I've a party problem, homeys. It seems 'The Man' has something against the party, as the Seers' Village courthouse has sent me a subpoena! I don't even know what a subpoena is, my little party cats, but it can't be cool. King Arthur has claimed that I have 'stolen' his dancing knights, breaking their employment contract with him, when I moved to Falador.

Being a party-tamer and Disco Demon sent from the future to bring the Funk, I'm going to represent myself. The party speaks for itself, dudes!

So, I need to call in a favour: I need a character reference. Could you write down a few words about how cool Party Pete is, dudes, and how I wouldn't hurt a chicken? Oh, and while you're there, write down a few words about why the party is so important and how the show must go on. Forever. Hey, those cats want to take away my dancing knights!

That, dudes, would make me cry. I would leak a little bit of the party.

Party Pete

Dear Party Pete,

Duuude. You got a big problem, dude! Buuut I think I can help you out...

Okay, dude, here's what ya gotta do. You gotta do everything on this list when you're in el' courto, 'kay dude?

  • Sob some, say "But dudes, they were begging to be let out of their chains of work, dude...I mean, dude, they needed to unleash their full dancing potential...(cry some here) and, dude, I don't think they could take it if you took away their dream like that, right dudes?"
  • Make sure to talk about the P.I.G.(Parrty Is Goood) program, and how "a party a day keeps the KBD away!"
  • Remind King Arthur about how much fun they had, back in high school, at all the parties you put together, and how he was invited to your birthday party.
  • Threaten to NEVER HAVE A PARTY AGAIN. (Don't EVER do that, though!)
  • Remind King Arthur of the quests Fireyt has helped him with, and how Fireyt would never forgive him if the knights lost their job.
  • Give out free purple candies. (2 for the judge)

And finally,

  • Install your balloon-o-matic lever in the courthouse, and after the end of your day in court, PULL THE LEVER!

Wishing you the best of luck, dude,
"The LawyerDude"

Wise Old Plan[edit | edit source]

After the Wise Old Man's request for possible future plans and schemes he was most appreciative of your suggestions, though I couldn't work out what he was thinking about each one. I did notice that this one was on the top of his desk until he saw me and telegrabbed it away.


He did want me to pass on one message to you:

"All good things come to those who wait, currently I'm interested in...local...concerns."

If you want to submit your Wise Old Plan send them in to and remember...

Wise Old Man needs you!