Transcript of Rum Deal

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This transcript or section is incomplete and could do with improvement.
Reason: zombie protester dialogue when spoken to directly pre/in-quest, pirate pete transportation lines, misc dialogue options
You can discuss this issue on the talk page or edit this page to improve it.

Starting out[edit | edit source]

Talking to Pirate Pete[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Pirate Pete: Mornin'.'re an adventurer, right?
  • Player: Yes I am! Got any quests for me?
  • Pirate Pete: Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact! (Ahem.) I am a poor, dispossessed nobleman, forced by circumstance to lurk in the middle of nowhere, soliciting help from passers-by. You see, my fiendish half-brother has seized my estates and forced me into exile. The simple lemon farmers suffer under his tyrannous yoke, and only a brave adventurer can lift his iron boot from the neck of the poor. To reclaim my lands I will need to have my family sword returned to me so that I may present it as proof of my rulership. Will you help me find my family sword?
  • (Quest Overview interface opens.)
    • Not right now
      • Player: No, I don't think I'll help you out this time.
      • Pirate Pete: Look, I think I'll wait here for someone a little more... you know... ...heroic.
    • Accept quest
      • Player: Yes! Your uncorroborated sob story has touched my heart. When do we set off?
      • Pirate Pete: You'll help! Wonderful! But, alas, my half brother has a powerful ally, the mighty demon... Err... Err...Barrelor! Yes, the mighty, fearsome, tall, deadly, oaken, round demon Barrelor the Destroyer.
      • Player: Barrelor?
      • Pirate Pete: That's what I said! Barrelor is an awesome opponent, and to reclaim my family sword you will need to defeat him, for he guards it within the deadly Trapped Pit of Barrelor. Wanna give it a shot?
      • Select an option
        • Of course, I fear no demon!
          • Player: Of course, I fear no demon!
          • Pirate Pete: Atta [boy/girl]! When I am reinstated in my rightful place, I will not be a very wealthy man, as my half-brother has squandered my family fortune. However, I will gladly give you every bent penny of what is left, and starve in the gutter with my many adorable children if you say you will help me.
          • Select an option
            • Nonsense! Keep the money!
              • Player: Nonsense! Keep the money! I will dispose of this evil half-brother of yours and leave you what little money is left to feed your family.
              • Pirate Pete: Wonderful! Just pick up your diversion and we'll leave!
              • The player turns to face south, turning their back to Pirate Pete.
              • Player: What diversion?
              • Pirate Pete hits the player.
              • Player: Ow!
              • Screen fades out.
              • (Continues below.)
            • Great, I'll take the cash in used coins please.
              • Player: Great, I'll take the cash in used coins please.
              • Pirate Pete: Er...
              • (Continues above.)
        • Not a chance, this sounds too dangerous.

Talking to Pirate Pete after the player declines to fight the demon[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Had any luck finding someone to slay the demon?
  • Pirate Pete: What? Oh! Yes! The demon, with the oppression and stuff! No, not yet. Why?
  • Select an option
    • Because I came to offer to help.
    • No reason.
      • Player: No reason. I was just in the area and I thought I would ask.
      • Pirate Pete: I see...
      • (Continues above.)

Talking to Pirate Pete after the player demands payment[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hello again!
  • Pirate Pete: Oh, it's you again. So, what brings you down here today?
  • Select an option
    • I've decided to help you for free.
      • Player: I've decided to help you for free! I will dispose of this evil half-brother of yours and leave you what little money is left to feed your family.
      • (Continues above.)
    • No reason.

Captain Braindeath cutscene[edit | edit source]

  • Screen fades in. Cutscene begins. Captain Braindeath is shown staring out a window.
  • Captain Braindeath: Arrr... 'Tis lookin' bleak...
  • Pirate Pete: Cap'n!
  • Pirate Pete walks into the scene, towards Captain Braindeath.
  • Pirate Pete: Good news Cap'n!
  • Captain Braindeath and Pirate Pete turn to face each other.
  • Pirate Pete: I found us a hero down by the docks!
  • Captain Braindeath: Be they heroic, brave and true?
  • Pirate Pete: Aye! They also be gullible, tied up and unconscious! They were willing to help out some random stranger with a good enough sob story, so I smacked them with a bottle and rowed them over.
  • Captain Braindeath: Brilliant! The island's location will remain a secret! Bring 'em here and wake 'em up.
  • Captain Braindeath turns to face out the window again.
  • Captain Braindeath: We may make it through this yet...
  • Screen fades out. Cutscene ends.
  • (Continues below.)

A 'Rum' Deal[edit | edit source]

Braindeath Island[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Braindeath: Are ye alright, [lad/lass]?
  • Player: Ohhhh... My head... It feels like someone has smacked me one with a bottle...
  • Captain Braindeath: Arr... Those devils gave ye a nasty knock when ye came to aid us. But now yer here we'll run those evil brain-eatin' dogs off the island fer good!
  • Player: What? What is going on here? I can't seem to remember anything beyond chatting to a man at the docks.
  • Captain Braindeath: Arr. Well, [lad/lass], that would be Pete, one of my men. He's been out lookin' fer heroes like yerself to aid us in our peril. When ye arrived ye took a nasty knock to the head, so ye probably don't remember agreein' to help us out. But I swear to ye that ye did.
  • Player: Okay... I'll buy that. It sounds like something I would do. So where am I, and what is going on?
  • Captain Braindeath: Yer on Braindeath Island! Where it lies is a secret, because ye are standin' in the brewery of Cap'n Braindeath, purveyor of the most vitriolic alcoholic beverages in the world!
  • Player: Wow!
  • Captain Braindeath: I am the notorious alchemist Cap'n Braindeath, and this whole operation be my idea! With my crew of sturdy, upright pirate brewers, we sail the seven seas, distributing cheap 'alcohol' to all and sundry. Well, fer a price, at any rate.
  • Player: Oooh!
  • Captain Braindeath: These be dark times, though, [lad/lass]. See, a week ago we awoke to find ourselves beseiged. The lads and I have held them off so far, but 'tis only a matter of time before they sweep through the buildin' and put us all to the sword.
  • Player: Who?
  • Captain Braindeath: Them!
  • The Captain points out of the window...
  • Screen fades out and in. Cutscene begins. Zombie pirates are shown protesting outside the building. Cutscene ends. Screen fades out and in.
  • Player: Are they... ...protesting?
  • Captain Braindeath: Arr, [lad/lass]! That they are! Day and night they seek to break our will with their chantin', and their singin' and their passive resistance! Seems they lost their fightin' spirit after the first few days. Now most of them just protest all the time.
  • Player: So, what do you want me to do?
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, me and the lads got our heads together and decided that if we can get their Cap'n drunk enough, perhaps they'll stop protestin'. If that happens, we'll slip out the back and set up shop somewhere else.
  • Player: Well, how can I help?
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, first of all, we need someone to go out the front and grow us some Blindweed. 'Tis one of the ingredients of our 'rum'. The only problem is that those rottin' fiends have torn up and destroyed all but one of the Blindweed Patches.
  • Player receives blindweed seed.
  • Captain Braindeath: Here, [lad/lass]. I'll give ye the seed you'll need fer growin' the herb. Help yerself to the gardenin' equipment in the basement. I'll warn ye again that those devils are sat right on top of the patch. Try hecklin' 'em from a distance. Those Swabs may talk a good fight, but if ye can put a scare in 'em they'll keep out of yer way!

Talking to Captain Braindeath again[edit | edit source]

  • Player: So...
  • Select an option
    • What exactly do you want me to do?
      • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
      • Captain Braindeath: Arr, well I want ye to get outside and grow some Blindweed. Best be careful, [lad/lass], fer them pirates will skin ye alive if they catch ye.
      • (If the blindweed seed has been lost:)
        • Player: And what happens if I lose the seed?
        • Captain Braindeath: Then I'll have ye flogged, hung, slapped with a haddock and sent back out there to fight the zombie hordes with little more than harsh language! Arr... Here, [lad/lass]. Just take this and get goin'!
        • Player receives blindweed seed.
      • (Once the seed is planted and growing and if the player does not have any blindweed seeds in the backpack:)
        • Captain Braindeath: Ye'll need ter keep an eye on yer plants, [lad/lass]. Wouldn't want them pirates to trample all over 'em, would ye?
    • Why do you talk like a pirate?
      • Player: Why do you talk like a pirate? Didn't you tell me you were an alchemist?
      • Captain Braindeath: Arr, [lad/lass], 'tis true. However, 'tis also true that I stumbled across the basic recipe fer my most potent of brews in a terrible alchemical accident. See, 'twas a dark and stormy night, and the wind was howlin' around the trees as I worked late into the night. Steppin' too close to a candle with my flask in my hand, I was suddenly swept up in a terrible, yet potently alcoholic, explosion.
      • Player: And?
      • Captain Braindeath: Well' [lad/lass], it seems the fumes from that first batch of me 'rum' did strange things to me brain. I don't remember the exact words the healers used, but apparently the stuff burned out the tiny, specialised part of me brain that tells me not to talk like a pirate.
      • Player: That... that... that sounds utterly impossible!
      • Captain Braindeath: Arr! That be what I told them!
    • So what do you make here anyway?
      • Player: So what do you make here anyway?
      • Captain Braindeath: 'Rum', [lad/lass]! The finest, most potent, most flammable and most debilitatin' 'rum' in the whole of Gielinor!
      • Player: Rum, eh?
      • Captain Braindeath: No, [lad/lass], 'rum'!
      • Player: What's the difference?
      • Captain Braindeath: Well, see, it's like this. If we called the stuff we make 'rum' without makin' the little quote gestures every time, then the Cookin' Guild has promised to do entertaininly[sic] painful things to us with whisks. See, technically - And by that I mean technically according to the Disposal of Hazardous Waste Act and the Health and Safety Laws - technically, what we're brewin' here is Artificially Produced Hyper Condensed Sweetened 'Rum' Flavour Distillate.
      • Player: Riiiiiiiight...
      • Captain Braindeath: So ye see, [lad/lass], we just call it 'rum' because the real name be a bit of a mouthful. Want a drop?
      • Player: No thanks... I think I'll skip it for now.

Growin' the Blindweed[edit | edit source]

Talking to brewers[edit | edit source]

Brewer 1[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: Very well.
  • Player: You sure?
  • Brewer: Oh Guthix, who am I kidding? We're all gonna die!
Brewer 2[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: How do I know you're not one of them?
  • Player: Well, I don't know... the way I'm breathing could give it away.
  • Brewer: That means nothing! NOTHING!
Brewer 3[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: Game over, man! Game over!
  • Player: Errr...keep up the good work.
Brewer 4[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: Don't talk to me! If I play this right, I can sell you lot out and make it to the mainland!
Brewer 5[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: Very well, considering.
  • Player: Considering what?
  • Brewer: That I've been crawling into the corner to cry whenever nobody is looking.
  • Player: Wow... I always thought pirates were tough...
Brewer 6[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: Don't sneak up on me like that! Don't you know there's a war on?
  • Player: I didn't think this counted as a war.
  • Brewer: That's because you're a landlubber! I bet ye've never had to beat a dozen zombies to death with a blunt toothpick!
  • Player: That's right. Have you?
  • Brewer: No, I've spent most of my time in the toilet to be honest.
Brewer 7[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: No school today mother, my brain hurts real baaaad...
  • Player: What?
  • Brewer: I no sleep in many, many, many days.
Brewer 8[edit | edit source]
  • Player: So... how are you holding up?
  • Brewer: Who are you? You're one of THEM arent[sic] you!
  • Player: O...kay...walking away now, smiling and not making eye contact.

Talking to Davey[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hello!
  • Davey: 'Ello guv.
  • Player: Why are you not helping out the others?
  • Davey: Well you see, guv, I've got these unshakable religious convictions.
  • Player: And those are?
  • Davey: Well, it's like this, see. I used to do a bit of the old priestin' on the side. You know, collectin' for repairs to the church roof, passing the collection plate, jumble sales, nicking the lead off the temple roof so they needed repairing again. Real holy stuff, you know.
  • Player: That doesn't sound all that holy to me.
  • Davey: Well, that's because you're not a [man/woman] of the cloth are you? You are, in fact, what we refer to in layman's terms as a punter. But anyway, all that priestin' left me with an unshakable faith in three things. The power of good over evil. The true glory of the human spirit. And that I ain't goin out there with those things runnin' around.

Sticking it to 'The Man'[edit | edit source]

(The following phrases are occasionally overheard:)

  • Zombie protestor: Ye'll never get away!
  • Zombie protestor: Give us yer rum, ye scurvy dog!
  • Zombie protestor: Give us rum or give us death!
  • Zombie protestor: United we stagger!
  • Zombie protestor: Arr! Come back here!
  • Zombie protestor: Where d'ye think yer goin?
  • Zombie protestor: Spare us a drop, you scurvy dogs!
  • Zombie protestor: Rum! Rum! Rum!

Talking to a zombie protester[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Excuse me, but...
  • Zombie protestor: Arr!
  • Player: Is there any way you could...
  • Zombie protestor: ARRR!
  • Player: Is there anyone else I could...
  • Zombie protestor: Arrrrrrrrrr!!!
  • Player: Fiiine...

Intimidatin' the Swabs[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Hahahaha! Yer goin ter die!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • Player: that all you will be able to hear from then on will be the rustling of the ants walking through them!
  • Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!
  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Hey yerself, landlubber!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • Player: that you will know exactly what time it is due to the horrible pain in your earlobes!
  • Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!
  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Arr! Prepare to die!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • Player: ...meaning you'll need a dozen Ogres and a team of highly skilled surgeons to remove them!
  • Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!

  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Yer a deadman, sez!!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • Player: ...leading to the eventual, violent explosion of those organs!
  • Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!

  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Yer brave, but stupid!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • He seems to have must have scared him off.

  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Yer brave, but stupid!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • Player: ...and then I'll use a wrench to remove the handles, so you'll see it every time you cough!
  • Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!

  • Player: Hey you!
  • Zombie swab: Yer a deadman, sez!!
  • We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
  • Showing a kitten playing with a ball of yarn
  • Player: ...and I'll grind up what's left, mix it with lemon juice and throw the whole lot into the ocean!
  • Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!

Talking to the Zombie swabs after intimidating them:

  • Zombie swab: Arr! Do what ye like, just don't hurt my face!
  • Zombie swab: Egad! 'Tis him!
  • Zombie swab: Arrgh! It's him! Run fer it lads!
  • Zombie swab: Be there anything I can say to get out of here undead?
  • Zombie swab: No! Not the flyswatter! I'll be good!
  • Zombie swab: (Gulp) Be there anything ye want, sir?

Cap'n Donnie[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Donnie: Arr! What be ye wantin?
  • Player: I, err, came to...
  • Select an option
    • Tell you to leave.
      • Player: I have come to tell you to leave.
      • Captain Donnie: Ye have?
      • Player: Yes.
      • Captain Donnie: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Wheeze...wheeze... Gadzooks [lad/lass], that be the funniest thing I've heard all day! Say it again!
      • Player: I have come to tell you to leave.
      • Captain Donnie: Stop [lad/lass]! I'll shatter me ribs!
    • Ask what you wanted.
      • Player: I've come to ask you what you want.
      • Captain Donnie: Whadda we want? 'Rum'! When do we want it? Now!
      • Player: So...if I were to give you 'rum' you would leave?
      • Captain Donnie: Not really [lad/lass]. If ye were to give us 'rum' we'd kill ye quickly, as opposed to over a few weeks.
      • Player: Oh...
    • Join your crew.
      • Player: I've come to join your crew! Err, I mean... Arr! Shiver me mainbraces and make them landlubbers walk the scurvy plank, Cap'n! I've come to join yer cut- throat, bilge swillin' crew! Also, arr!
      • Captain Donnie: Are ye quite done, [lad/lass]?
      • Player: Yes, for the time being anyway.
      • Captain Donnie: Well, ye'll be glad to know that after that little performance I'd be glad to have ye on me crew!
      • Player: Huzzah!
      • Captain Donnie: Course, I'll have te kill ye first.
      • Player: Oh...
      • Captain Donnie: Don't ye worry, lad. After we take the island I'll have the boss haul yer body to the temple and... Err, never mind.
      • Player: Never mind what?
      • Captain Donnie: Ferget I said anything.

Reportin' Back[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Here! I have your Blindweed!
  • Captain Braindeath: Splendid, [lad/lass]! Go shove it in the Intake Hopper upstairs. We'll beat them zombies yet! Arr!

(If the player had lost the blindweed after harvesting it but before showing it:)

  • Player: Captain... I grew some blindweed but then I lost it...
  • Captain Braindeath: There there, lad. 'Tis all right. Here, I've been savin' some fer an emergency. Go shove that in the Intake Hopper, and try not ter lose this lot!

(Speaking to Braindeath after having shown him the grown Blindweed:)

  • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go put yer Blindweed in the intake hopper, and to be sharp about it!
  • (If the player has lost the Blindweed:)
    • Player: And what happens if I lose the Blindweed between here and the intake hopper? Theoretically, of course, as it would be almost impossible for me to simply lose the stuff in the time it will take me.
    • Captain Braindeath: Yer nothin' better than a sea-slug wearin', lilly-legged, bandy-livered landlubber! Here, I was savin' a little fer an emergency, so take this and shove it in the hopper before I bung ye in there and turn the handle
    • Player: You had some all the time? Why was I risking my neck killing pirates to grow some if you had some all along?
    • Captain Braindeath: Less talk, lad, haven't ye got a hopper to be fillin'?
Depositing the blindweed at the hopper[edit | edit source]
  • Player has blindweed removed from them.
  • You stuff the Blindweed into the Hopper.

A Bucket o' Stagnant Water[edit | edit source]

Yer Next Task[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Well, that takes care of the Blindweed. What now?
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, now ye've shoved the Blindweed into the mix, what we need is a bucket of stagnant water.
  • Player: Where can I get some of that?
  • Captain Braindeath: Ye won't have to go far, [lad/lass], we have a pool of the stuff here!
  • Player: Here in the brewery?
  • Captain Braindeath: No, [lad/lass], that would be a strange thing to have in a brewery! It's up the mountain to the north.
  • Player: Up a mountain?
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, 'tis technically a volcano, but ye get the general idea.
  • Player: And I assume the place is crawling with these zombies?
  • Captain Braindeath: No [lad/lass], there be not a zombie in sight.
  • Player: Oh, good!
  • Captain Braindeath: All ye have to do is get past the keen-eyed lookout that's been spottin' my men when I send 'em. I'll tell ye that it won't be easy!
  • Player: When is it ever...
  • (If the player does not have an empty bucket:)
    • Player receives bucket.
    • Captain Braindeath: Don't ferget yer bucket!

Asking Braindeath about the next task[edit | edit source]

  • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
  • Captain Braindeath: To get off yer lazy behind and head out to the stagnant lake on top of the volcano. Chop chop, [lad/lass].
  • (If the player does not have an empty bucket:)
    • Player receives bucket.
    • Captain Braindeath: Don't ferget yer bucket!

The Tale o' 50% Luke[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Are you all right?
  • 50% Luke: Who goes there? Arr! A landlubber! Begone afore I take my cutlass to ye! I've been charged with guardin' this gate and no noodle-armed landlubbers will make it past me alive!
  • Player: That's not a cutlass. I think it's a twig.
  • 50% Luke: Ye cheeky begger! I was wavin' my finger at ye!
  • Player: All right...
  • 50% Luke: Arrr... just 'cos me body happens to be 50% wood does not mean I'm heartless. I got a bag of 'em here. Wanna see?
  • Player: I think I'll pass.
  • Select an option
    • What happened to you?
      • Player: What happened to you?
      • (Without wearing a Ring of Charos (a):)
        • 50% Luke: That be a tale so heart-wrenchin' that it has so far wrenched the hearts from over a dozen sturdier men than thee! A tale of such woe that none but the stoniest hearts can hear it without sheddin' a single, poignant tear... And I'll never tell ye, not even if ye wore an item, such as a ring, with powers of mind control!
        • Player: What if I said please?
        • 50% Luke: Hmmmm...well alright... Wait, no! Get goin' landlubber before I take my splintery foot to yer behind!
      • (While wearing a Ring of Charos (a):)
        • 50% Luke: Well ye seem like a [lad/lass] that can handle such a I'll tell ye...
        • 50% Luke: Well, it all starts with this albatross...
        • 50% Luke: Wait, never mind, I'll skip forward a bit.
        • Player: Are you sure?
        • 50% Luke: I have to [lad/lass], Cap'n Donnie will flay what little is left of me if I told ye.
        • 50% Luke: But anyway, I got recruited to the zombie pirates along with the rest of the crew in an unspecified incident involvin this albatross.
        • 50% Luke: We was sailin' along happily, and I was partakin' of a little 'rum' in the crows nest.
        • 50% Luke: Well, we hit either a really rough wave or some rocks.
        • 50% Luke: Twas kind of hard for me to tell which, as I was well out of it by then!
        • 50% Luke: Regardless, I toppled from the crows nest into the water.
        • Player: Is that how you got so badly injured?
        • 50% Luke: No [lad/lass]!
        • 50% Luke: What happened next was that I discovered a new, previously uncharted reef of hard, spiky coral.
        • 50% Luke: I made a mental note of its location, and to this day it is still marked on our fleet's charts as Lukes Reef.
        • 50% Luke: I managed to grab a hold of our ship, the Inebriated, as it passed overhead.
        • 50% Luke: And then I discovered another, taller, spikier reef of even sharper and more painful coral.
        • 50% Luke: To this day it is still marked on our fleet's charts as The Other 50% Reef.
        • Player: Owwwwwwwww...
        • 50% Luke: It gets worse...
        • 50% Luke: When they hauled what was left of me on deck, they dropped me onto the floor while they decided what to do with me.
        • 50% Luke: Bear in mind this would be on a ghost ship, the planks of which sweat a thick mixture of stagnant water...and pure salt crystals.
        • Player:[sic]
        • 50% Luke: But on the good side, all my thrashin' and pained squealin' settled the matter in the Captain's mind, and he had the shipwright carve me half a body out of his Witchwood Planks.
        • Player: Witchwood? What's that?
        • 50% Luke: Tis a special, magical wood from a now extinct tree.
        • 50% Luke: Once they nailed it all in place the stuff moves like it is part of me body.
        • 50% Luke: The stuff will also grow back if it breaks, which is dead handy!
        • Player: Wow, that stuff must be very valuable!
        • 50% Luke: Arr! That it be!
        • 50% Luke: So, that be the tale of how I managed to lose precisely 50% of my body.
        • Player: There there.
    • How flammable are you?
      • Player: So how flammable are you?
      • 50% Luke: What kind of a question is that?
      • Player: I'll soon have you out of the way! Burn!
      • The player attempts to light a fire at 50% Luke's feet.
      • 50% Luke: Don't make me angry! Ye'll not like me when I'm angry!
      • Screen fades out.
      • One 500 hit combo later...
      • Screen fades in.
      • 50% Luke: Let that be a lesson to ye!
      • Player: My world is an ocean of paaaain!
    • So what is going on here anyway?
      • Player: So what is going on here anyway?
      • 50% Luke: Ye expect me to talk?
      • Player: No Mr. Luke, I expect you to die!
      • 50% Luke: Hah! I'm one step ahead of ye!
      • Player: Egad, outsmarted by the man with the wooden brain. But seriously, what is going on here?
      • 50% Luke: I can't tell ye [lad/lass]. The Cap'n would have me whittled down to toothpicks if I did.
      • Player: Well if you can't tell me, perhaps you could show me through the medium of Interpretive Dance?
      • 50% Luke: No.
      • Player: Mime?
      • 50% Luke: Look, [lad/lass] I'm not tellin' ye a thing! So clear out while ye still can!
Attempting to open the gate[edit | edit source]
  • 50% Luke: Arr! Tryin' ter get away eh? Well ye'll never sneak past me, I'm the best lookout this crew has ever seen!
  • (Before depositing the blindweed in the hopper:)
    • Player: astonishing...thing. There. Behind you.
    • 50% Luke: Ye'll have te do better than that, landlubber!
  • (After depositing the blindweed in the hopper:)
    • (Continues with one of the following lines:)
      • Player: Hey you! Look over there!
      • Player: Who's that making faces behind you?
      • Player: Oh my! Is that a genuine 3rd Age Diversion?
      • Player: Is that your distraction?
      • Player: Who is that behind you?
      • Player: That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!
    • The player walks through the gate.
    • 50% Luke: Where?
Going back through the gate[edit | edit source]
  • 50% Luke: Hey! What are you doing out there?
  • Player: Nothing.
  • 50% Luke: Well Cap'n Donnie said no livin' landlubbers were allowed out of the compound. So get yerself back in here, or yer for it!
  • The player walks through the gate.

O'er to Yonder Hopper[edit | edit source]

Speaking to Braindeath after collecting the water[edit | edit source]
  • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
  • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go pour yer bucket into yonder hopper. Take yer time, [lad/lass], we're only bein' besieged by zombies.
  • (If the player has lost their bucket:)
    • Player: Err... Captain...
    • Captain Braindeath: Aye, what is it, lad?
    • Player: Well, on my way over to the hopper some big boy stole the bucket and ran away...
    • Captain Braindeath: Give me strength! If ye weren't so good at distractin' the zombies I'd skin ye alive! Take this bucket and pour it into the hopper. If ye don't get it right this time I'll have yer guts fer garters!
Depositing the water in the hopper[edit | edit source]

Sluggy Brethren[edit | edit source]

  • Player: So is that everything?
  • Captain Braindeath: No, [lad/lass], next ye'll need to go outside and catch five loads of Sluglings fer the brew.
  • Player: What? Sluglings? That's disgusting!
  • Captain Braindeath: Arr, [lad/lass], that it be. To a weak-stomached, knock-kneed landlubber...
  • Player: Why Sluglings?
  • Captain Braindeath: 'Cos, [lad/lass] they're one of our super-secret ingredients! Yer not too susceptible to mind control are ye [lad/lass]?
  • Player: Why?
  • Captain Braindeath: Because they have been known te, well, influence people every now and again. I'm sure ye've got nothing te worry about!
  • Player: They aren't related to those Seaslugs are they?
  • Captain Braindeath: No [lad/lass], we just call them 'Sluglings' 'cos of a long and convoluted story involvin' a metal pipe and three dead seagulls. Aye they're related! Tis a good job they'll starve if they tried te eat yer brains!
  • Player: So what should I do with these Sluglings anyway?
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, ye shove them in the Pressure Barrel in the attic. And then ye...
  • Player: And then I...
  • Captain Braindeath: And then ye... Pressurise 'em.
  • Player: Pressurise them?!
  • Captain Braindeath: Just a little. Look, we don't have all day, get movin'. Here. Ye'll need this to catch them.
  • Player: What should I do with it?
  • Captain Braindeath: Just dunk it in the water. I'm sure a clever [lad/lass] like yerself will have no problem. Oh, and if ye haul up some squiddy-looking things, don't hesitate to shove 'em in the barrel too. They add a special, fishy texture to the drink.
Asking Braindeath about the next task
  • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
  • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go outside and catch five sea creatures from the squid fishin' spot. When ye've grabbed them, jam 'em in the barrel in the attic and pressurise 'em.
Use Sluglings on Braindeath
  • Player: The slugs are talking to me... They tell me to do bad things...
  • Captain Braindeath: Gimme that!
  • The Captain takes the Slugling and stamps on it until it stops squirming, then hands it back.
  • Player: Egad... what just happened?
  • Captain Braindeath: What happened is ye were messin' about with Sluglings!
  • Captain Braindeath: Don't ye have anything bettter to do?
Use Karamthulhu on Braindeath
  • Captain Braindeath: Gah! Get that slimy thing away from me!

Spirits an' Spirits[edit | edit source]

Spiritual Critical Mass[edit | edit source]

  • Player: How could I kill my sluggy brethren...?
  • Captain Braindeath: Snap out of it, [lad/lass]! Yer in slug-shock!
  • Player: What? Who? Gah! Sorry about that.
  • Captain Braindeath: No problem. Well, now ye have just one more ingredient to grab, and then we can get this 'rum' flowin!
  • Player: Well, how far away will I have to go to grab it?
  • Captain Braindeath: Not far at all, [lad/lass]. Ye've just got to get it from the basement!
  • Player: Great! What is it?
  • Captain Braindeath: Hold yer horses, [lad/lass]! While ye was off gallivantin' with yer slimy aquatic playmates, the 'rum' achieved spiritual critical mass. To put it in terms ye'll understand, the brewin' equipment is possessed.
  • Player: Possessed!
  • Captain Braindeath: Don't ye worry yerslf about it! This happens all the time. Well, to tell the truth, my lads are a little quicker off the mark, so it only happens occasionally. Not that I'm criticisin' yer performance, [lad/lass]. Give the controls a couple of belts with this wrench. One of the lads did a little priestin' on the side before he came here. Get him to bless it and ye'll do fine.
Asking Braindeath about the next task
  • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
  • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go clear the Evil Spirit out of the brewin' controls. Use the wrench I gave ye, but get it blessed first.
  • Player: Mumblemumblewhatwrenchmumble...
  • Captain Braindeath: What were that?
  • Player: I said, what if I've lost the wrench?
  • Captain Braindeath: Arr! I'd get more work out of a minty flavoured brick!
  • Captain Braindeath: If ye lose this one I'll have ye turned inside out, covered with spiders and turned rightside in so they'll eat ye alive!
  • Player: Steady on!

Priest Pursuit[edit | edit source]

Talking to the various brewers
  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: Why do you need a priest?! For the last rites? Are we done for?
  • Player: No, I just need...
  • Brewer: Were all gonna diiiiiiiiiie! Flee to the longboats! Run to the hills, run for your lives!
  • Player: Seriously, for a man trapped in a building full of alcohol you are remarkably tense.

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: Well, you could try asking the others.
  • Player: Will they help?
  • Brewer: No, I just want you to leave me alone so I can cry in peace.

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: What, so you can eat their brains? I won't help you!

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: What do you want with a priest? Trying to get yourself exorcised?
  • Player: I am not a zombie. I just haven't had a bath today is all...
  • Brewer: That's what they all say!

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: Well, I'm not a priest, but I must admit I've been praying feverently since the zombies arrived.
  • Player: For anything in particular?
  • Brewer: A new pair of trousers. Those things are scary.

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: An old priest or a young priest?
  • Player: What do you have?
  • Brewer: Neither, sorry.
  • Player: Great...

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: Shhhh! GET AWAY FROM ME, HUMAN WHO I DON'T KNOW! AS A LOYAL ZOMBIE PIRATE INFILTRATOR I WOULD NEVER HELP THE LIVING AT ALL! That was close, just shove off and keep away from me.

  • Player: I'm looking for a priest.
  • Brewer: I want to go on the donkey rides, but there is too much sand in my bucket...
  • Player: What?
  • Brewer: My hovercraft is full of eels...

Davey[edit | edit source]

  • Player: You used to be a priest, right?
  • Davey: I didn't nick anything, [mister/miss]. I've got twenty people who'll swear blind I was...
  • Player: What? Never mind. I need some help with the spirit in the brewing equipment.
  • Davey: Trust me, [mister/miss], lots of people need help after coming into contact with the spirits we produce here.
  • Player: Can you bless this wrench for me?
    • Davey: I might well do. Remember, only the first one's free. Dominoes Ad Nauseum, Romanes Eunt Domus. Sorted.
    • Player: Is that it?
    • Davey: Oh, you want the full package deal. All right. Brace yourself.
    • Player: Groovy. Thanks!
    • Davey: No problem, [mister/miss]. Good luck with your little problem. You might find that little wrench worth hanging on to after you're done with the Spirit.
    • Player: Really? I mean, it's holy and everything, but I don't think it looks all that useful.
    • Davey: Well, it may not look much, but you'll find that you might need a few less prayer potions if you have it in your pack, if you know what I mean.
    • Player: Well, no, I don't know what you mean, but I'm sure I'll find out!

(If already have one or more holy wrenchs in inventory)

    • Davery: You mean more help? I've already blessed one wrench for you, that should be enough.

(If you have less than 47 prayer points)

    • Davey: Nope.
    • Player: Nope?
    • Davey: Nope. You don't strike me as being... devout, you know?
    • Player: Come again?
    • Davey: Your holy aura, it's a little shoddy, if you catch my drift.
    • Player: What?
    • Davey: You need a Prayer of 47
    • Player: Oh!
    • Player: Well why didn't you just say so?
    • Davey: I might have had a bit of an overestimation problem miss. I'm sure it won't happen again.

Speaking to Braindreath with the holy wrench

  • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
  • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go clear the Evil Spirit out of the brewin' controls. Use the wrench I gave ye, but get it blessed first. I see ye've got the wrench good and blessed, so go whack the hopper 'til the Evil Spirit pops out

Brew Battle[edit | edit source]

Using the wrench on the frothing, spinning, possessed control panel
  • Player: Come out and face me!

Well, it seems that this wrench is just not holy enough to work. You should go and get it blessed.

Using the holy wrench on the possessed equipment
  • Player: The power of Guthix compels you!

Basement Fever[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Braindeath: Well, now that ye've got that spirit out of there ye can dump in the final ingredient.
  • Player: And that is?
  • Captain Braindeath: We need the body of a diseased Fever Spider!
  • Player: Remind me never to drink anything you have ever made. Or touched.
  • Captain Braindeath: When yer quite done flappin' yer lips, go down into the basement and whack spiders until ye find a fever spider body. Shove it in the hopper and then we're in business.
    • If wearing Slayer gloves
      • Captain Braindeath: I see yer already wearin' some Slayer Gloves. That'll keep the Fever Spiders from gnawin' yer hands off!
    • If not wearing Slayer gloves
      • Captain Braindeath: Ye'll be wanting to put them Slayer Gloves of yours on before ye head off [lad/lass], as those Fever Spiders carry a nasty disease. They'll give it to ye if ye aren't wearin' somethin' too thick fer them to bite through.
Asking Braindeath about the next task
  • Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
  • If the player has no fever spider body
    • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go kill a Fever Spider and jam its body in the hopper. Whenever yer ready, [lad/lass].
  • If the player is carrying the fever spider body
    • Captain Braindeath: I want ye to jam that body into the hopper and come see me. Arr! Yer not as slow as I took ye fer!

The Finest 'Rum'[edit | edit source]

The Glory of Brewin'[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Well, I stuck your spider in the hopper, what now?
  • Captain Braindeath: Now ye stand well back and watch the glory of brewin' at its best!
  • Player: Is that it?
  • Captain Braindeath: Aye [lad/lass]! Now get outside and feed that stuff to the pirates. Try givin' it to the Captain, he's in charge. Get him bladdered and the rest will fall!
  • If the player has a bucket in their inventory
    • Captain Braindeath: Ye'll need to use that bucket of yours. Most stuff can't stand bein' in contact with our 'rum' fer too long. Took us a lot of dissolvin' to work that one out.
  • If the player does not have a bucket in their inventory, and has at least 1 free space
    • Captain Braindeath: Here, ye'll need to use one of these. The rum tends to eat through almost everything else.
  • If the player does not have a bucket in their inventory, and does not have any free space
    • Captain Braindeath: Oh, and don't try using anything but a bucket. Our 'rum' tends to eat through stuff.
Talking to Cap'n Braindeath again
  • Captain Braindeath: So, what did he say?
  • Player: Who?
  • Captain Braindeath: The Cap'n!
  • Player: Oh! I haven't spoken to him yet!
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, get a move on! And don't ferget the 'rum'!

Deliverin' the Brew[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Donnie: Be that the finest, most abrasive 'rum' I've ever smelled?
  • Player: Yes! That it be!
  • Captain Donnie: Hand it over or I'll run ye through!
  • The Captain drinks the 'rum' as quickly as possible.
  • Captain Donnie: Arr. Ye be a good [lad/lass], fer a filthy livin' landlubber.
  • Player: So... I take it your boss will be pleased?
  • Captain Donnie: Arr, that he will. I'll tell... Wait a minute... Arr, ye tricky dog! Ye tried to trick old Donnie!
  • Player: Oh well, I guess I'll have to try again.
  • Captain Donnie: Arr, [lad/lass], you tried to trick me, but I was too clever for ye! Besides, Rabid Jack would have my hide if I told ye it were him that sent me!
  • Player: I'm sure he would. Good job you caught me out, eh!
  • Captain Donnie: Aye! Now get ye gone, and don't return without more 'rum'!
Talking to Donnie again with more 'rum'
  • Captain Donnie: Hey you! I can smell the 'rum' on ye! If it isn't in my belly by the time I count ter three, I'll have ye flogged!
  • Further dialogue unknown

Crisis Averted[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Braindeath: So, what did he say?
  • Player: Not much that was coherent. Who is Rabid Jack?
  • Captain Braindeath: Rabid Jack! THE Rabid Jack! Egad... I haven't heard that name... before.
  • Player: So, who is he?
  • Captain Braindeath: Dunno [lad/lass]. Almost as if I aren't changing subjects, well done! With those rottin' dogs legless they'll never keep fighting us now, so we've decided to stay here and keep the 'rum' flowin! Thanks, [lad/lass]. We'd never have managed without ye!

Post-Quest Dialogue[edit | edit source]

Captain Braindeath[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Braindeath: Fancy some 'rum', [lad/lass]? It's still fresh. Well, fresh-ish.
  • Player: No, I think I'll pass.

Davey[edit | edit source]

  • Davey: Ello again [mister/miss]. How's things?
  • Player: Good. Everything seems to have worked out ok.
  • Davey: I'm sure it'll stay that way so long as you don't know it's missing.
  • Player: What?
  • Davey: Nothin' [mister/miss], you just have a nice day.

If the player has lost their wrench:

  • Davey: Ello again guv. I take it you're here about the wrench?
  • Player: What? The Holy Wrench? But I lost it somewhere...
  • Davey: Well guv, maybe thats what I want you to think. There you go. I've kept it nice and holy for you.
  • Player: Thanks...

Brewers[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: I don't know what your game is, but I know you're one of THEM!
  • Player: But I just saved you!
  • Brewer: The voices tell me different. It's all part of a plot! Confess!

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: Hello there, brave [hero/heroine], in whom I had total confidence!
  • Player: Total confidence?
  • Brewer: Yes! I was so confident that I would never, ever have sold your soft, edible body to the pirates outside!
  • Player: Well, great...
  • Brewer: On a completely unrelated note, I would steer clear of Hungry Frank for a while. He's a filthy liar. And a forger. It wouldn't surprise me if he has written out a note detailing the terms of our surrender and your dismemberment and cooking in MY handwriting. Imagine that, the fiend.

  • Player: So, got any sleep yet?
  • Brewer: My brain is no longer capable of sleep.
  • Player: So... what are you going to do now?
  • Brewer: I was gonna try and will myself dead.
  • Player: Right... good luck with that.

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: Hello yerself Landlubber!
  • Player: Everything ok with you now?
  • Brewer: Hmmm... Overall everything is good!
  • Player: Great!

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: Well you proved that you're probably not a zombie. So what are you then? A ghoul? A vampyre?
  • Player: I'm not any form of undead!
  • Brewer: Oh... oh god I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was natural...
  • Player: What?
  • Brewer: Nothing...

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: You saved us! Huzzah!
  • Player: All in a day's work, think nothing of it.
  • Brewer: I don't have anything to reward you with except my collection of bleak, gothic poetry I wrote when I assumed we were all done for. Do you want it?
  • Player: I may come for it later, you hang on to it for now.

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: Have they gone yet?
  • Player: Well, no, but they are a lot calmer now.
  • Brewer: What are we gonna do now, huh? What are we gunna do now?
  • Player: In your case I would say relax.

  • Player: Hello there!
  • Brewer: Hello yourself!
  • Player: How's things?
  • Brewer: Fine...
  • Player: Excellent! Since I get the feeling I don't want to know why you said that so oddly I'll just go over here!
  • Brewer: I think that would be for the best!

Captain Donnie[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Donnie: Hey! You!
  • Player: Who? Me?
  • Captain Donnie: Aye! Ye! Got any more rum?
  • Player: What happens if I don't?
  • Captain Donnie: Then I'll clap ye in Runes!
  • Player: Don't you mean clap me in irons?
  • Captain Donnie: No [lad/lass], not irons, Runes! We upgraded last week.
  • Player: Ok, well it's a good job that I have some over here isn't it?
  • Captain Donnie: Arr, yer a good [lad/lass]...

Zombie protestors[edit | edit source]

  • Zombie protestor: Arrr! Tis yerself! Have a drink!
  • Player: Errr ...Arrr! I will in a sec, I've just go to, err, plunder some landlubbers...
  • Zombie protestor: Good huntin'!

Pirate Pete[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Do I know you?
  • Pirate Pete: Yes, you owe me some money. Want a lift to Port Phasmatys?
    • Player: Okay!
      • Pirate Pete: All right. I'll need to use my Magical Teleporting Bottle.
        • Player: Magical Teleporting Bottle?
        • Pirate Pete: Yes. Just turn around three times, then clap your hands and say the place you want to go.
        • Player: This I have to see. Oh well, here goes. One... Ow!
        • (continued below)
      • Pirate Pete: Would you like a hand with your stuff? You seemed to have dropped something.
        • Player: Where? Ow!
        • (continued below)
      • Pirate Pete: All right. You know that it's going to cost extra to take your friend as well, right?
        • Player: What friend? Ow!
        • (continued below)
      • Pirate Pete: Err... sure...
        • Player: Why are you looking over my shoulder? Ow!
        • (continued below)
      • Pirate Pete: Certainly. By the way, you have a spider in your hair.
        • Player: Oh no! Get it out, get it out!
        • Pirate Pete: Sure, turn around and I'll get it for you.
        • Player: Thanks! Ow!
        • (continued below)
      • Pirate Pete: Well I'll be more than happy to... Egad! Did you see that?
        • Player: What? Where? Ow!
        • (continued below)
      • (The below dialogue continues from either of the above randomised dialogue path branches with Pirate Pete. His second line after asking "Are you okay" will be randomised each time, with each possible response seperated by a slash)
        • Player: Ooooh... my head...
        • Pirate Pete: Are you okay? You, errr...
        • Pirate Pete: missed your mouth while drinking from a bottle. Hence the bottle-shaped bruises. / managed to fall onto my boot while I was practicing kicking. / slipped and fell down some stairs. / got into a fight with my evil twin. / slipped and slid into a brick wall. / hit your head on my oars while I was rowing over. Twice.
        • Player: Wow... I'm lucky I wasn't seriously hurt!
    • Player: Not now. I'm getting an awful headache talking to you. Any idea why?
      • Pirate Pete: No idea whatsoever.
    • Player: Why do I get a headache every time I see you?
      • Pirate Pete: Well, it's possibly the weight of all of your expensive items giving you a sore back. As a doctor I can tell you that sometimes a bad back can manifest as a headache.
      • Player: You're a doctor?
      • Pirate Pete: I'm on a break. Regardless, I can tell you that if you hand me your most expensive items, then the pain will disappear. CoughonceyouturnaroundagainCough!
      • Player: What was that last bit?
      • Pirate Pete: Nothing.
    • Player: Are you any relation to Party Pete?
      • Pirate Pete: Yes I am, he's my cousin.
      • Player: Well, you don't sound too happy about it. What happened?
      • Pirate Pete: Well, I arranged with all my friends to have a party at his place.
      • Pirate Pete: But then I humiliated myself by trying to dance with the knights.
      • Pirate Pete: All of them collapsed on me in a horrific, jangling pile.
      • Pirate Pete: I tried to salvage the night by having all the balloons come down...
      • Player: So what happened?
      • Pirate Pete: I didn't know that someone had swapped the balloons with cannonballs!
      • Pirate Pete: The casualties were horrific...
      • Pirate Pete: That was the worst fifth birthday party in the history of the world.
      • Player: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
      • Pirate Pete: Not according to the Official History of Gelinor!
      • Pirate Pete: Every edition... the pictures bring it all back...
      • Player: Ouch...