Transcript:Pull the udder one!

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This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 26 June 2006.

Hello, and welcome to the June edition of the postbag! This month we get all corporate and corporeal as we talk to the Karamja box company and the odd slime in Port Phasmatys, as well as asking the burning question “What are you doing with all that wool Mr Farmer?” There's also a bit of a feline theme as we pose more questions to the mysterious Sphinx and ask Bob what in RuneScape gumbo is. There's loads more, but do watch out for some awful jokes from Wyson though... If I had a hand I would have slapped him.

To the current owner of the Karamja Box Company,

In Nardah i found one of your crates but sadly when i went to see what was in this crate there was nothing interesting inside.

My question is what do you deliver to the mayor of Nardah ?
What sort of company makes only one crate?
Where is the box company located?How do you get your crates from Karamja into Nardah?

Thank you for reading my letter and a reply is even more welcome if your not busy with that one crate.

De Roll Le


We here at the Karamja box company are always very glad to hear from happy customers. As you know, we are the main suppliers of RuneScape’s boots, damaged armour, rusty swords, broken staffs and buttons. As a collector of fine merchandise, the Mayor of Nardah was wise to select us to provide his buttonry needs and not rely on that less than trustworthy Ali M and his fleet of carpets.

We are actually located far away from Karamja these days and merely retained our name for business purposes, very similar to the Bank of Varrock.

Regarding our limited box design… if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it! We have however, branched out to a slightly new shade of design, supplying to a group of Void Knights of all things! I guess even planar defenders need buttons…

Again, many thanks for your interest in our company.


Flatpak Jones
CEO Karamja Box Company

Dear Slime in the Pool of Ectofunctus,

What exactly are you? Are you some kind of secret hidden god? What do you do in there? What do you eat? It must be pretty boring just jumping in and out of that pool, why don't you ever jump out and explore the world?


Al funcoot

Dear Al

Well, the fact is that we have been evolving for many an age, and we have only been able to jump for the last millennia, give or take an eon or twelve. Hopefully in a few more we will be able to jump up all of those stairs and get out of this strange temple. It's weird, climbing up them is pure torture, but slinking back down seems almost natural, and rather fun. You should try it one day. Food and gods are things we are not familiar with, we don’t get out into the Slimelight much.

Farmer Fred,

I have a question. why do you need so much wool. I mean you must have millions of balls of wool by now, I mean come on how much wool can one person need!?

sincerely, K'nex2

P.S. Thanks for the small amount of crafting exp.

Ello young K’nex2, thanks for your help with me sheep that time, my old hands aren’t quite what they used to be you know, and ol’ Dukey has a problem with my “mal odour” or something, so using the castle spinning wheel can be tricky sometimes. Anyway, about the wool. Well, I was at a GAG meeting the other night and I noticed a book called “The woolen horse of Troy” or something like that. Gave me an idea…

Trojan cow.jpg
Dear Sir Tiffy,

Recently I purchased the full set of initiate armour from you. I must say, it is very stylish and reasonably priced. However, I was dismayed to find that you do not provide initiate skirts for the ladies. I'm not sure you realise just how fashion conscious the female citizens of Runescape are.

I would love to have a white skirt with gold trim. Not only would it look very fetching, but it would allow me to retain my full feminity, and I'm sure it would allow greater freedom of movement during battle than the burdensome legs do.

I hope that this is purely an oversight on your part, and not a reflection of some diabolical discrimination against women.

I trust that you will rectify the situation soon.

Yours sincerely,



What ho my dear!! Spiffing idea and all that, but the ladies in our order use the platelegs we provide. They find them far more practical and result in less blood splattered legs don’tcha know! However, I am sure that as your rank within our order increases, access to other armours will be granted. You won’t have to wait long, I hear we have another mission planned for you in the near future.

Now where did my notes on mother Mallum go….

Postie Pete, I know you are awefully busy but I would like to ask of you one small favor *grinz* by delivering this letter for me to the Sfinx of Sophanem, a city which is located in the southern parts of the Kharidian desert. I'm sure finding him won't be a problem for an experienced traveller like yourself.

Dear Sfinx,

The reason I am writing you this letter rather then paying you a visit is because I got caught up in an important quest which requires both my presence and attention. I have been solving problems and helping out many people lately, so I guess that is why we haven't seen eachother anytime sooner.

As you probably already know, the summoning of Evil Dave has brought along quite some physical changes to our pet cats and as this concerns all people of Runescape, I feel obliged to ask for your assistance. However, before taking any action, I would surely like to hear your oppinion about these transformations. Perhaps with your age and wisdom you have seen things like these happen before, or maybe you already have a proper solution in mind.

Though these cats from Hell aren't causing much trouble yet, at least not so far I know of, I hope to be hearing from you as soon as possible.

Your friend,

PS: Bob and Neite are doing fine and they wish you all the best.

Dearest Technicz,

Many thanks for your concern over our beloved feline friends, but it is not the problem you may think it is. You see, much like this “Dave” you speak of, the cats are not evil, they just think they are. The cursed meat from the hell rats that dwell in his basement is the real problem, and can only be some kind of trick played by those who wish to plague the innocent. If you wish to remove this cursed ailment, speak to Evil Dave's mum who has experience in cleansing those affected by these evil beasts.

Best of luck, and do pass on my best wishes to Bob.

Dear Jerico,

Ah friend, I remeber one of my first days as a novice member. When I first stepped into the pristine city of Ardougne, I realized that it was a special city, as lovely and familiar as lumbridge, but as regal and refined as the white city of Falador. But as I walked past the bank in the city's northwest corner, I beheld, transfixed, your curious visage.

Your brown shock of hair tousled and unkept, and your unruly beard give you the look of the adventurous type. Further cementing this fact is is your lack of a shirt. I think it is safe to say that you are the ONLY shirtless character I have ever seen in mainland Runescape. But the point is, despite your masculine and rather intimidating exterior you are the biggest wimp I've ever met! Why are you obssed with pidgeons? When I came to for help in the plague city quest I thought that you would be offer your sagacious knowledge on epic battles long past you had fought in, or a cleverly hatched plan to solve the enigma of West Ardougne. But what do I get? A bunch of garbage about bird feed and avian flu. Please, honor my wishes and do these two things:

2) leave the pidgeons some where out in lvl 42 wilderness



Dear Ladyluck83

Oi!! You leave my pigeons alone!! I’ll have you know my family have been raising pigeons for the king for years! In wars gone past, our fastest birds were used to carry messages past the enemy to the other settlements, faster than any horse, not that there's any of them left these days. Not round here anyway. You can feed em if you like Postie... Hang on!! Someone’s nicked all my seed!

You better keep watching the skies ladyluck83, pigeons have great memories and love revenge…

Dear Bob,

A while back when I first got my ammy of cat speak, you were in Lumbridge and told me a fantastic story. You told me that the cook of Lumbridge made great gumbo. You wanted a bowl, and asked me to try to get the cook to give me a bowl. You also said that if anything should ever happen to the cook, the recipe for gumbo would be lost forever, as the cook had no children and was unwilling to share the recipe with just anyone. I never got a bowl of gumbo for you Bob, and I never got the recipe. When I asked around, no one else had ever heard you tell them this story, no one believes me and they think I made up the story of meeting you in Lumbridge.

I guess we will never see gumbo in Lumbridge, but can you at least clear my name with people who think I am a liar?


Dear veiledone,

Hello again!! Yes, I do remember having that conversation with you! I don’t often get to Lumbridge, but when I used to, the old chef used to give me a bowl of his excellent Gumbo! It’s like a soup with all sorts of fish in it… really really tasty and sometimes it even made me feel stronger, more agile and all sorts of things! There used to be whole bunches of chefs, crowded round a steaming gumbo pot, adding things and tasting as they go… but it's all changed now. I heard that the new Lumbridge chef, although a direct descendant of the older chefs I used to know, is utterly useless at cooking!! I expect that his father has hidden the recipe somewhere, but the young lad doesn’t even know what gumbo is, let alone how to cook it. Perhaps the legend has died out now… who knows? There is certainly no gumbo pot in Lumbridge anymore. If you do find one, please let me know! I’d kill for some gumbo.


Hello Dear Guard,

I have been killing you for so long and yet when i examine you it says you try to keep order, and then once more people rob you and all you do is hit them once,thus leading them to try it once more. Whenever i kill one of you there is so amny mroe of you, surely if i were your boss i would hire higher level guards, for wherever you may be you always manage to die in a few hits of magic or arrows.

Ps: i was just wodering, how come when people shoot arrows at you from behind a fence you never get to them?
pss:Think about retiring, or about getting life insurance!


Hello good Sir Theoldmage7,

Law and order has been on the decline recently, it's true. I blame standards slipping in schools leading to increased rates of truancy and anti-social behaviour. Many a thug has tried his hand at taking on the King's finest and I'm happy to say we're up to the ta....

Good day Theoldmage7,

Unfortunately the previous recipient of your letter was killed before he could finish replying. I'll be your new Guard for the day. There was talk of hiring higher level guards like they do in Ardougne (they call them paladins - they're very posh over there) but they'd need higher rates of pay. (We just get given a few coins and a clue scroll if we're really lucky). We're only on short term contracts anyhow so it... Hey, is that dagger poisoned....?

Erm, hi Theoldmage7,

I'm new. They said I have to finish answering your letter. I'm just here on work placement. Please don't hurt me. I won't chase people behind fences - they're in a different patrol zone. That would be a breach of the 'Guard's Handbook for Those who Serve and Protect'. I heard about this one grizzled veteran who had been with the force his whole life, he was one day from retirement when he died :-( Don't think any guard has ever managed to retire, ever. For some reason no one will give us life insurance...

Stay safe and obey the law - or we'll have to hurt you!

The Guards.

P.S. Several guards were harmed in the composing of this reply.

Dear Wyson,

I remember meeting for the first time we met. Long ago, before the wilderness sprung up from beneath our feet and guards were put out of a job, and I was but an inexperienced wanderer. When we first met we had some good times, bartering and arguing about the going price of woad leaves, and yes, there was that unfortunate incident involving a certain pirates loot burried beneath your flower bed.

So I was wondering, when did you aquire your wealth? For when I first saw you you were a lone gardener, left to tend the gardens of Falador all by yourself, with no more than a small shack and a spade to call your own. But since then you have done well for yourself! Now you have a nice home over looking your preciouse gardens and many helpers to assist in your gardening. But how did this all happen? Did adventerers pay you to teach them the secrets of farming and gardening? or perhaps did you work for a wealthy lord? I would sincerely like to know.

Your friend,


Dear Wtc,

Mostly it's all trowel and error though. Sorry! Bit of a gardening joke there. You have to be prepared to put the hard work in though – sometimes you’ve worked 12 hours overthyme before you decide it's time to cumin.

At the end of the day, you just have to get yourself properly mowtivated and not just sit and vegetate. Aha haaa ha ha!! Sorry.

In all seriousness, money is a lot like a garden. You start off small, tend to it, then leave it alone. If you can keep the pests off you’ll soon find it grows into a lovely display, just don’t be tempted to interfere with its growth. Money is also a lot like a tomato – you know it’s a fruit, yet it wouldn’t go into a fruit salad.

Finally, I have found that over the years the sale of my elusive woad leaves has become quite fruitful, especially after the recent paint job.

Hope that helps


Well, that’s it for me this month! Watch out next month for some more ramblings from the chaos elemental, as well as the normal collection of crazyness!

Have fun!

- Postie Pete

Write your letters to [email protected]