Transcript of Pieces of Hate

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Reason: Missing dialogue on multiple occasions
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Pirate Mail[edit | edit source]

  • Postie Pete: Hey there! Player!
  • Postie Pete: Got a letter for you, boss.
  • Postie Pete hands you a letter from Bill Teach. The letter is postmarked from a few days ago, with instructions to deliver today.
  • Player: Thanks, Pete, see you later.
  • Postie Pete: Not if I see you first!

The Adventurous[edit | edit source]

In Port Phasmatys[edit | edit source]

  • Pirate: Yarr, Bill Teach not be here matey. Want to sail to Mos Le'Harmless?
  • Select an option
    • Yes
      • The ship sails to Mos Le'Harmless.
    • No
      • Player: Not right now.

On Mos Le'Harmless[edit | edit source]

  • Pirate: Yarr Bill Teach not be here, do you want to be sailing to Port Phasmatys?
  • Select an option
    • Yes
      • The ship sails to Port Phasmatys.
    • No
      • (Dialogue terminates.)

Pirate replacing Bill Teach in The Green Ghost[edit | edit source]

When talked to[edit | edit source]

  • Pirate: Arrr, all these ghosts doesn't exactly put me in high spirits.

When using an item[edit | edit source]

  • Pirate: I don't be wanting that matey.

Pirate replacing Bill Teach in The Other Inn[edit | edit source]

When talked to[edit | edit source]

  • Pirate: Yarr, what be a pirate's favourite letter?
  • Player: Aaarrrrrr!
  • Pirate: Nay, ye scallywag. A pirate's first love be the C!

When using Armadyl's feather[edit | edit source]

  • Pirate: What you be giving me that fer?
  • Player: I dunno, I thought you might be an...'Aaaarrrmadeeelean'.
  • Pirate: Get away from me, ye weirdo.

Investigating Rock Island Prison[edit | edit source]

Confessing another crime[edit | edit source]

You cannot take any equipment with you to Rock Island Prison.

  • Talk about Pieces of Hate.
    • How are things?
      • Player: So, how are things?
      • Customs Sergeant: What things?
      • Player: I mean, how are you? Everything good? How are the wife and kids?
      • Customs Sergeant: They are adequate.
      • Player: That's...yeah, I have no idea what that's even supposed to mean.
    • Still catching pirates?
      • Player: Still catching pirates?
      • Customs Sergeant: Yes. Criminals will be incarcerated to facilitate their assimilation.
      • Player: You mean their rehabilitation, right?
      • Customs Sergeant: Yes, they will be...rehabilitated.
      • Player: Why are you saying that in such a creepy monotone?
      • Customs Sergeant: Yes.
      • Player: That's...that's not even an answer. So, moving on...
    • You look a little pale...
      • Player: You look a little pale, are you coming down with something?
      • Customs Sergeant: I'm fine. Perhaps it's the cold.
      • Player: But it's warm and sunny outside.
      • Customs Sergeant: How can you tell?
      • Player: Touché.
    • I would like to confess!
      • Player: I would like to confess!
      • Customs Sergeant: To what crime?
        • I am a pirate!
          • Customs Sergeant: I knew you had a funny look to you. Right then, you're going away for a long time.
          • (Continues below)
        • I am a murderer!
          • Customs Sergeant: I see. Very well, you're coming with me. I'll make sure you can never hurt anyone ever again.
          • (Continues below)
        • I am a thief!
          • Customs Sergeant: That's right, you stole my heart!
          • Player: What?
          • Customs Sergeant: What?
          • Player:, I don't think of you like that.
          • Customs Sergeant: THEN IT'S PRISON FOR YOU!
          • Player: ...
          • (Continues below)
        • I am an arsonist!
          • Customs Sergeant: I did think you were hot.
          • Player: Err...well...this is awkward now...
          • Customs Sergeant: PRISON!
          • (Continues below)
        • I spacebar through quests.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I tried to equip goblin mail.
          • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
          • (Continues below)
        • I sold my cat for death runes.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I don't visit my kingdom.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I play minigames for fun.
          • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
          • (Continues below)
        • I forgot my brass key.
          • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
          • (Continues below)
        • I once alched my party hat.
          • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
          • (Continues below)
        • I leeched bosses for comp.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I lured a player for all their stuff.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I always mine the Seren Stones someone's mining.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I filled the party room chest with junk.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I told Meg to shut up.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I asphyxiate north pool Yakamaru.
          • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
          • (Continues below)
        • I never cap at the citadel.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I set up cannons at chinchompas.
          • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
          • (Continues below)
        • I bought all the beads for Imp Catcher.
          • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
          • Customs Sergeant: You're going to Rock Island Prison, where no one has ever escaped!
          • Player: Really? No one? Ever? No one who looks eerily familiar?
          • Customs Sergeant: Not a single soul.
          • Customs Sergeant: You'll be going to Rock Island Prison for a very, very long time.
          • If you have the letter from Bill Teach with you:
          • You quickly destroy the letter so the guard can't find it if he searches you. Just in case.
Screen fades out and you are taken to Rock Island Prison

Ah, our old cell[edit | edit source]

Shout-through...Door[edit | edit source]

  • Player Hey! You! Let me out!
  • The guard ignores you completely.
  • Player I was so sure that would work.

Open door[edit | edit source]

  • The door swings open and sweet, sweet freedom greet your efforts. Oh wait. No. The other thing.

Two-Eyed Eric[edit | edit source]

  • Two-Eyed Eric Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
  • Player Pssst.
  • Two-Eyed Eric AAAAAArgh! WHO SAID THAT?
  • Player SHHHH! Over here!
  • Two-Eyed Eric Oh. Hello?
    • Who are you?
      • Two-Eyed Eric Yarr, me name be Two-Eyed Eric. I be a...erm...legitimate businessman.
      • Player By which you mean pirate.
      • Two-Eyed Eric What? I never, how dare ye. How dare ye! I be a legitimate trade-arr.
      • Player You're fooling no one. You have the stereotype 'arr' compulsion and everything.
      • Two-Eyed Eric Arr, I not be a stereotype. I be a special unique butterfly, me mother told me so.
    • What's going on here?
      • Two-Eyed Eric Yarr, it be a terrible tale. We was sailing out across the great blue sea, when all of a sudden the sea herself rose up to take us. 'Twas as if a great beast had risen from the depths and scuttled me ship. All went black. When finally, we came to, we found ourselves locked behind these bars, doomed to walk on solid land, rather than the calming rocking of the mother sea. Oh, but that not even be the worst of it. There were four of us in this cell. Four. But one by one the guards came and took 'em away. All we heard were screams, then silence. There be something terribly wrong with those guards. Terribly wrong. Their eyes be glazed over and I ain't never seen one blink. It's as if they don't know that blinking be a thing ye do.
    • Can you give me a hand?
      • Two-Eyed Eric Aye, as luck would have it, I just so happen to have a spare hidden about me person.
      • Player Where?
      • Two-Eyed Eric Yarr, ye not be wanting to know, laddie.
      • Two-Eyed Eric hands you over a spare hook.
      • If you already have Eric's hook:
      • Two-Eyed Eric Arr, but ye already have me hand.
    • Goodbye.

Jimmy the Parrot[edit | edit source]

  • Player Hello?
  • Jimmy the Parrot Hello?
    • Who are you?
      • Jimmy the Parrot Who are you?
      • Player I asked you that...
      • Jimmy the Parrot I asked you that...
    • Do you know what's going on?
      • Jimmy the Parrot Do you know what's going on?
      • Player No, that's why I asked you.
      • Jimmy the Parrot No, that's why I asked you.
    • Do you know how to escape?
      • Jimmy the Parrot Do you know how to escape?
      • Player Are you just copying me?
      • Jimmy the Parrot Are you just copying me?
    • Talk later.
      • Jimmy the Parrot Talk later.

Bill Teach[edit | edit source]

  • Player Psssst, Bill! Over here.
  • Bill Teach Player, is that you?
  • Player I got your letter. I take it your investigations didn't go well?
  • Bill Teach Not exactly. I mean I found out that there's definitely something up with the Customs Office. Unfortunately, the Customs Office found me just as I found out.
  • Player What's going on?
  • Bill Teach Something strange. The customs officers are rounding up pirates and then dragging them upstairs, after which we never see them again. We do hear the screams, though...
  • Player Any idea how we get out of here?
  • Bill Teach Not off the top of my head. Look around, see if you can find a way to get out of your cell. Maybe ask those guys in the other cell?
  • Player On it! Hold tight, I won't be long.
  • (If no progress made)
  • Player What am I doing?
  • Bill Teach Look around for a way to pick the lock on your cell door.

Madame Shih[edit | edit source]

  • Madame Shih: You there! Release me at once. Don't you know who I am?
    • No idea, sorry.
      • Madame Shih: Hrmm, normally my reputation precedes me. I am Madame Shih, scourge of the Eastern Lands. Commander of the greatest fleet in the east.And if you do not release me RIGHT NOW, my revenge shall level this entire region.
      • (Shows initial options)
    • I really don't care.
      • Madame Shih: Oh, but you will. When I am free, and I will get free, I will bring my fleet to this region. I will start with the fishing towns, where your defenceless peasants live and I will rain such fire down upon them. Once they are nought but ash, I shall turn on your harbours and your ports. I will cut you off from the rest of the world, so you can never find aid. Finally, I will let your fleets face me directly and I will laugh as I sink them one, by one. And then, when there is only you left, I will allow you to kill yourself and you will thank me for my boundless mercy.
      • (Shows initial options)
        • That's a bit much isn't it?
          • Madame Shih: I've never been one for subtlety. You cross me, you pay for it...dearly.
          • (Shows initial options)
    • I didn't imprison you.
      • Madame Shih: No. I suppose not. You certainly don't look like much. I doubt you would have the wits to catch a cold, let alone hardened pirates.
      • Player: Well, hey. Look who's going to rot in their cell for the rest of time.
      • Madame Shih: Ha, I like you. You're right, of course, I was rude and it was uncalled for. Please accept my sincere apologies.
      • Player: Don't suppose you know what's going on?
      • Madame Shih: There's a dark presence here. Something foul has infected this place and the guards who work here. I don't like the Customs Office at the best of times, but something very strange is going on here. Sadly, I see no immediately obvious way out of here just yet.
      • (Shows initial options)
    • I don't have time to talk.
        • (Ends dialogue)

Series of an escape plan[edit | edit source]

Jiggle Pipes.

  • You hear a hollow, distant tapping. What remains of the pipe will not shake loose.

Investigate Fishing spot.

  • Player That's a lot of angry looking crabs. Those pincers look frighteningly sharp. I wonder if I can make any sort of convoluted use of that...

Using Eric's hook on your cell Door.

  • The hook is too blunt to fit in the lock. If only you could find a way to sharpen it.

Using Eric's hook on Perch rock.

  • This hook is too blunt to carve anything into the rock and the rock is too smooth to sharpen the hook upon. All in all, this isn't helpful.

Using Eric's hook on Fishing spot.

  • Player Ow! The little blighters nipped my fingers and I've dropped the hook. I wonder if Eric has any spares.

Using Eric's hook on your Bed.

  • You use the hook to tear off a piece of cloth. Weirdly, the bed doesn't look much worse than before.

Using Eric's hook on your Bed again.

  • You already have one piece of cloth, there's no need to be greedy.

Using Piece of cloth on your Bed.

  • You show the bed its terrible fate should it speak up against you. You've torn off one piece, there are so many more you could tear. Wisely, the bed remains silent.

Using Piece of cloth on your cell Door. Squeaky sound.

  • You polish the bars to a lustrous shine. Now you can stare at your reflection in them. You you waste away into nothingness.

Using Piece of cloth on Perch rock.

  • Unsurprisingly, nothing interesting happens.

Using Piece of cloth on Fishing spot.

  • Player I dread to think what these crabs would do with such an offering.

Using Eric's hook on the Piece of cloth.

  • You wrap the cloth around the hook. Now you have a hook dangling from some cloth.

Using Eric's hook attached to cloth on your cell Door.

  • Player Curses! Arbitrarily squishing random objects against this door has failed to grant me freedom!

Using Eric's hook attached to cloth on your Bed.

  • The object has a nice little nap, but nothing interesting seems to happen.

Using Eric's hook attached to cloth on Perch rock.

  • You dangle the hook over the rock. It hangs there, motionless, silent.
Screen fades out
  • A tedious length of time passes.
Screen fades in
  • Player This is accomplishing nothing. I'm not sure why I thought it would.

Using Eric's hook attached to cloth on Fishing spot.

  • The crabs violently sharpen the hook to a terrifyingly fine point. You also find a fish that has swum onto the hook for reasons known only to the fish.
Screen fades out
  • You hear guards shouting back at the prison, followed by the ominous screams of some of the other prisoners.
Screen fades in

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on Fishing spot.

  • Player Sharpening it further might tear open a hole in the fabric of the universe. Probably best not.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on Perch rock.

  • You carve some crude graffiti into the rock about pirates and their booty. It momentarily amuses you, but otherwise achieves nothing.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on your Bed.

  • Careful now, you could blunt the hook on the terrible tog rating.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on your cell Door.

  • Prison guard I can see you trying to pick the lock, you know?
  • Player No, you can't.
  • Prison guard I'm right here!
  • Player Urgh, FINE! I mean, you do realise there's a massive hole behind me, so escaping is trivial, right?
  • Prison guard What?
  • Player What? Dee-de-dee, nothing to see here.

Using Fish on Fishing spot.

  • Player I offer this sacrifice to thee, oh mighty crab overlords.
  • The crabs are utterly ambivalent about your offering.
  • Player Well, that was fruitless. Oh no! I dropped the hook in with the fish. I regret all my decisions.

Using Fish on your Bed.

  • I think it's a bit late for that fish to have a nap now.

Using Fish on your cell Door.

  • You throw the fish through the bars with gleeful abandon, only for it to land on the other side and to be promptly stolen and eaten by a rat.
  • Player Hrmm, this gives me an idea, but I need a creature other than a rat to distract these guards.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on your Bed after you lose the Fish.

  • You cut off a strip of cloth, but it unfortunately blunts the hook in the process.

Using Fish on Perch rock.

  • Seagull Squawk squaw squawk. (My, what a delicious-looking fish. Are you eating that?)
  • Player Baron von Hattenkrapper?
  • Seagull Squawk! SQUAWK! Squaw. (How dare you! Do you think all seagulls look alike? You birdist.) Squaw squawk squawk. (I am Count Ludwig Koppenploppen! Scourge of the seven skies and befouler of masonry.)
  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen Squawk SQUAW! Squawk! (That you could mistake my beautiful countenance for that lowlife crab-botherer offends me to my core.) Squaaaaaaaawk. (You have made a powerful enemy this day. Now give me that fish, or FACE MY FURY!)

Using Fish on Perch rock with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.

  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen Squaw. (This morsel will abate my fury...for now.)
  • Player Hrmm. I could probably get more mileage out of that fish if I didn't just throw it down a gull's throat.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on Perch rock with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.

  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen Squawk! Squaw SQUAW! (You dare threaten me with the sharpened appendage of a seafaring human?) Squawk. (I am not so easily intimidated. I will not flinch in the face of your pathetic attempts to frighten me.)

Using Eric's hook on Perch rock with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.

  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen Squaw? (What on Gielinor do you want me to do with that?)
  • Player Erm...something useful?
  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen Squawk. (Go away. Weirdo.)

Using Eric's hook attached to cloth on Perch rock with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.

  • You dangle the shiny hook in front of the seagull and attempt to hypnotise it.
  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen Squawk. Squaw. (Silly human, seagulls are immune to mesmerism.)

Using Fish on your cell Door with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen ready to release his fury.

  • Count Ludwig Koppenploppen SQUAWK! *That fish. It will be mine!*

Using any previous item on Perch rock without Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.

  • Player Without the seagull, this is just a rock. I probably can't get much more use out it. Best let it be.

Shouting through the door after scaring the guards off.

  • Player There was a second stabber at Zamorak's ascension!
  • Player That achieved nothing, but I did enjoy it.
  • Player I'm lonely and confused and like shouting for no reason!
  • Player That achieved nothing, but I did enjoy it.
  • Player Chinchompa blood can't melt steel beams!
  • Player That achieved nothing, but I did enjoy it.
  • Player IF Gielinor isn't flat,how come water doesn't roll away?
  • Player That achieved nothing, but I did enjoy it.

(Missing dialogue for players with Ravensworn title in this section)

Escape plan phase one complete[edit | edit source]

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) on your cell Door unguarded.

  • Player Ah, sweet freedom.

Attempting to open other Cell doors.

  • Player I should probably deal with the guards before I try to pick any more locks.

Investigate Crates.

  • You find a small crate hidden among the larger crates.

Search Locker.

  • You find a spare customs guard uniform. It smells unpleasantly fishy.

Search Desk.

  • The desk contains no keys, but does contain a wooden spoon, a cheese sandwich and, inexplicably, a pineapple.

Attempting to open the Door leading upstairs.

  • Player I should probably free the other pirates before I head upstairs. It's only polite.

Attempting to join the Prison guards outside.

  • Player I probably shouldn't risk being captured by the guards.

Push Barrel of black stone.

Screen fades out then in

Attempt to push Barrel of black stone again.

  • Player Moving these would let the guards back in, which seems counterproductive.

Attempting to Open Cell door.

  • Player How odd, the door to a PRISON cell is locked. Who would have thought this?

Before freeing Bill Teach.

  • Player What now?
  • Bill Teach Get me out of here! Pick the lock on my cell!

Opening Bill Teach's Cell door.

  • The lock clicks open, but you accidentally drop the hook only for it to be snatched away by a rat.
  • Player Oh, come on! How am I going to get the doors open now?
  • Bill Teach Haha, that rat sure got you!
  • Bill Teach You'll probably want to get your hook back off it, though.

Asking Two-Eyed Eric for a spare hand.

  • Two-Eyed Eric Yarr, I, er, do have a spare somewhere... But, er, well, it's kinda stuck.
  • Player Er, right, fine, I'll think of something else.
  • Two-Eyed Eric I'm sure I can get it soon, a bit more.
  • Player Nope. Stop talking. I'm... Nope. Nope, nope.

The rat hole[edit | edit source]

Investigate the rat hole:

  • It's a rat hole. You can hear the sounds of a rat scurrying in the walls.

Shout into the rat hole:

  • The hole remains mockingly silent.
  • Player: DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!
  • It ignores you.

Mewo into the rat hole

  • Player: Meow!
  • You're really meowing into a hole?
  • Player: Meow?
  • What on Gielinor would this achieve?
  • Player: Meow...
  • Yeah, you should be rethinking your life choices right now.

Stick your arm in the rat hole:

  • You stick your hand into the hole. Your fingers close on cobwebs, dust and tiny little squishy pellets that you don't want to think about.
    • Go deeper?
      • Yes.
        • With effort, you slide your wrist in deeper. You scrape your hands on the sides and something small and many-legged crawls across the back of your hand.
      • No.
        • (Dialogue ends)
    • Go deeper?
      • Yes.
        • You press your arm in all the way up to the elbow. Creeping and crawling things skitter across your skin and by now you are certain you have smeared rat droppings up your arm. You close your fingers on something. Something furry and warm-blooded. But before you can grasp it completely, you feel a sharp pain in your hand and withdraw quickly and instinctively
      • No.
        • (Dialogue ends)

Using Cheese sandwich with rat hole:

  • Player: Ouch! The little blighter stole the sandwich from me. If only I had some way of catching it.

Using fish with rat hole:

  • Player: Hmm, he doesn't seem interested in fish.

Using pineapple with rat hole:

  • No matter how hard you shove, you can't fit it in the hole.

Using Baited trap with rat hole:

  • Player: AHA! Got you!

Using any other objects with Rat hole:

  • Player: I've been told off for trying to squeeze random things into tight holes before.

Wilson the rat[edit | edit source]

  • The rat looks up at you defiantly.
    Squeak! Chitter chitter squeak!
    • [Insult the rat.]
      • Player: You're an ugly little ball of hate, aren't you!
      • The rat gives you a look that resoundingly agrees with your assessment
        • The rat looks up at you defiantly.
          Squeak! Chitter chitter squeak!
        • (Shows initial options)
    • [Calm the rat.]
      • Player: Hey there. Calm down, little buddy. Let's talk through this.
      • The rat snaps at you.
        SQUEAK! Chitter chitter chitter
      • Player: Welp, that didn't work.
        • (Same as above)
    • [Firmly admonish the rat.]
      • Player: Look, you. I'll be having none of this uppity nonsense. You and I are going to have a nice civil chat. Okay?
      • The rat thinks about this carefully and then nods its tiny head in agreement.
        Chitter chitter.
      • The rat looks at you with patient eyes
        • [Tell the rat off.]
          • Player: No, you little...rat! What do you think you're doing stealing from me me? Don't you know who I am?
          • The rat looks at you with an expression that says he neither knows, nor cares.
            Chitter squeak chitter.
          • The rat looks up at you defiantly.
            Squeak! Chitter chitter squeak!
          • (Shows initial options)
        • [Tell the rat to attack the guards.]
          • Player: Charge! Go forth my ratty minion and destroy the guards!
          • The rat looks at you and shakes his tiny head. You are not there yet.
            Squeak squee squeak.
            • (Same as above)
        • [Demand the hook back.]
          • Player: Right, give me the hook back, you horrible little rodent!
          • The rat answers your demand by calmly defecating on your hand and keeping eye contact the whole time.
          • Player: So that would be an no then?
            • (Same as above)
        • [Inform the rat of your plight.]
          • Player: Look, I'll level with you. We're all trapped in this tiny island with some really weirdly acting guards. People keep being taken away and then are never seen again. And there's something very strange about the guards down here.
          • The rat seems to nod in solemn agreement. He emphathises with your plight.
            Chitter chitter squeak chitter.
          • The rat looks at you with an expectant look
            • [Give the rat a treat.]
              • Player: here you go, little guy, have a nice treat.
              • You offer the rat the various bits and bobs from your pockets.
              • The rat turns its nose up at your paltry offerings
              • The rat looks up at you defiantly.
                Squeak! Chitter chitter squeak!
              • (Shows initial options)
            • [Introduce yourself properly.]
              • Player: Oh, I'm sorry, how terribly rude of me. My name is Player, it's a pleasure to meet you.
              • The rat chitters a Friendly greeting
                Chitter squeak chittter squeak!
              • Player: It's a pleasure to meet you, Wilson. Though, I'm not sure how I know your name is Wilson.
              • The rat grins in a way only rats can. It knows something.
              • Player: Wait, what? What was that?
              • The rat gives you a confused look
              • The rat stands on hindlegs, ready to help.
                Squeak chitter squeak?
                • [Ask for the hook back.]
                  • Player: Can I have the hook back now?
                  • The rat shakes its tiny little head.
                    Sqee chitter squeak
                  • The rat looks up at you defiantly.
                    Squeak! Chitter chitter squeak!
                  • (Shows initial options)
                • [Ask for the rat to attack the guards.]
                  • Player: Now my tiny rat minion. Go forth! DESTROY THE GUARDS!
                  • The rat raises his eyebrow and shakes his head. He thinks you're nuts.
                    Chitter chitter chitter.
                  • (Same as above)
                • [Ask for a way out.]
                  • Player: Quick Wilson, show me the way out. I need to get out of here!
                  • The rat shakes his tiny little head. HE is ashamed of you for abandoning your allies.
                  • Player: I know, I'm sorry, I'm at terrible person.
                  • (Same as above)
                • [Ask for a way to free the others.]
                  • Player: Wilson, help me, can you find a way to free my friends?
                  • Wilson disappears and returns with a clinking set of guard keys.
                  • Player: Thanks, buddy, we've got this!
                  • Wilson squeaks triumphantly
                • [Leave the rat alone.]
                  • (Ends dialogue)
            • [Send the rat to attack the guards.]
              • Player: Charge! Go forth my ratty minion and destroy the guards!
              • The rat looks at you and shakes his tiny head. You are not there yet.
                Squeak squee squeak.
              • (Same as above)
            • [Pet the rat.]
              • Player: Who's a cute little rattypoo? You are, yes you are...
              • The rat bites you angrily.
                Squeak squeak chitter squeak!
              • Player: Okay, not cute. Very much not cute.
              • (Same as above)
            • [Leave the rat alone.]
              • (Ends dialogue)
        • [Leave the rat alone.]
          • (Ends dialogue)
    • [Pet the rat.]
      • Player: Who's a cute little rattypoo? You are, yes you are...
      • The rat bites you angrily.
        Squeak squeak chitter squeak!
      • Player: Okay, not cute. Very much not cute.
        • (Same as above)
    • [Leave the rat alone.]
      • (Ends dialogue)

Talking to Wilson after obtaining the guard keys:

  • Squeek!

Opening the door[edit | edit source]

  • Okay, good, that's everyone free.
  • Two-Eyed Eric: Yarr, so let's get out of here, me mateys.
  • Madame Shih: Not yet. No one imprisons Madame Shih and gets away with it. I want to know what's going on here.
  • Player: Yeah, me too. Something fishy is going on here and I'm not leaving until I find out what.

Before attempting to open the door:

  • Two-Eyed Eric: I don't like it here, can we go home now?
  • Madame Shih: While normally I would be delighted to have a little chat, I suspect our efforts should be focused on finding out what's going on here.
  • Bill Teach:Okay, everyone's free, but we still need to know what's going on. Player, see if you can get upstairs.
  • Jimmy the Parrot: (Same as in the first section)

When attempting to open the door:

  • Player:OW! There's some sort of ward on this door, I can't open it.

After Attempting to open the door:

  • Bill Teach: Hrmm, warding magic. I hear that Madame Shih is a bit of an occultist, you should talk to her.
  • Player: So, the door is warded in some way.
  • Madame Shih: Yes, I sensed the magic as it flared up. A complicated warding spell, voice activated if I'm not mistaken
  • Player: Sensed?
  • Madame Shih: Let's just say that I...dabble, in the occult from time to time. I've got a knack for understanding magical wards and enchantments. It comes in very handy when trying to crack into certain vaults. But now is not the time to discuss my colourful past. You want to find some way to replicate the passcode used to get past that ward.

Talking to Jimmy the Parrot after talking to Madame Shih:

  • Player: Okay, Jimmy, before you start repeating everything I say, shut up.
  • Jimmy the Parrot: ...
  • Player: Good lad. Now, I'm going to assume you've heard everything the guards have said. Do you remember the phrase they used before going through the stairwell door?
  • Jimmy the Parrot nods
  • Player: Good work! When I check the door, I want you to repeat it, okay?
  • Jimmy the Parrot nods

Talking to Bill Teach after talking to Jimmy the Parrot:

  • Bill Teach: Try the door again, Jimmy might know the code.

Talking to Madame Shih after talking to Jimmy the Parrot:

  • Madame Shih: You head upstairs and find out what's going on here, I'll make sure the guards don't get back in down here.

Opening the door after talking to Jimmy the Parrot:

  • Player: Okay, Jimmy you're up.
  • Jimmy the Parrot:

What dwells below in deepest dark,
betwixt the corpse of squid and shark
With flesh of stone and midnight black,
We cry his name, we cry...

  • The door swings open before Jimmy finishes the sentence and he falls silent, shivering unwilling to say that final name.
  • Player: Okay, that was creepy, but at least we're through now.

Talking to Bill Teach after opening the door:

  • Bill Teach: Get upstairs and see if you can find out what's going on!

Investigating the poster on the wall next to the staircase:
If you're reading this, get out. Get out while you still can. Everyone has...they've changed.
They're not themselves anymore. They're acting cold, distant and obsessive.
People vanish for a bit and then come back strange. They're obsessed with these barrels of black rock.
If you're reading this, I've left my keys under my bed on the first floor.

Miscellaneous Dialogue[edit | edit source]

When searching the locker after taking out all the items:

  • Player: There's nothing more in here except...urgh...why are there barnacles growing on the inside of this thing?

Searching the crates after capturing Wilson:

  • You nave no need for any more little crates.

Investigating the rat hole after catching Wilson:

  • The hole is empty and silent. If you put your ear to it, you can hear the ocean. Partially because you are right next to the ocean.

Using fish with other's door:

  • The fish hasn't committed sufficient crimes to warrant jail time.

Using fish with Rat hole:

  • Player: Hmm, he doesn't seem interested in fish.

Using Wooden spoon with other's door:

  • You play a delightful tune on the door, but otherwise nothing happens.

Using Wooden spoon with pineapple:

  • Player: While it looks delicious, I think I need to use this pineapple somewhere else.

Using pineapple with other's door:

  • With a whir and a creek, a secret trapdoor opens up in the floor revealing an entire treasure trove of abandoned party hats. Just kidding! Using a pineapple on a door obviously does nothing.

Using pineapple with Wilson:

  • Player: Why won't this pineapple stick to this rat? What's coming to this world when fruit won't magically adhere to rodents?

Using cheese sandwich with other's door:

  • The prison door isn't hungry

Using cheese sandwich with Fish:

  • Player: Mmmm, a delicious raw fish sandwich... Oh, dear I think I'm gonna throw up Hlerg huey blehrgle

Using cheese sandwich with pineapple:

  • It's a bit big to add to the sandwich

Using cheese sandwich with Wilson:

  • Wilson eats the sandwich.
  • Player: I'm not sure what I was expecting there.

Using cheese sandwich with any other objects:

  • That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich

Using Unbaited box trap with door:

  • "A prison door isn't sufficient bait for anything.

Using bait trap with door:

  • The door is already stationary, you don't need a box to trap it.

Using any other objects with the bed:

  • The object has a nice little nap, not nothing interesting seems to happen.

Using any other objects with Fishing spot:

  • Player: I dread to think what these crabs would do with such an offering.

Using any other objects with Wilson:

  • Player: Yeah, Wilson doesn't seem to like me prodding him with that.

The first floor of the prison[edit | edit source]

Upon entering the first floor:

  • The crassian creature acknowledges you, but doesn't attack. It probably won't let you go upstairs, though.

When trying to get to the second floor:

  • Crassian Guard: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
  • Player: Nope, nope, nope.

When trying to open the door to the egg room:

  • Player: Rats - locked.

Searching the southern lockers:

  • There's noting in here but dust and barnacles. Quite how barnacles got on the inside of a locker, you have no idea.

Searching the northern lockers:

  • You find a bottle of 'rum' in the locker.

Using the 'rum' on Wilson:

  • Player: I'm not sure there's much point in getting a rodent completely squiffy.

Drinking the 'rum':

  • Player: Eeeeeegads, that's some strong stuff. I wonder if there's better uses for it, though.
  • Player: Maybe if I keep drinking i I'll get superpowers. Or liver poisoning.
  • Player: Do I have a problem? I mean, I'm in a prison full of monsters and I'm getting drunk?
  • Player: No, more, please. I'm begging you, oh invisible puppet master, don't make me drink more of this!
    • Yes - dance, my puppet, dance!
      • Screen fades out
      • Player: Oi,*hic whosh putsh that there? Shtop being there. Rude.
      • Short pause
      • Player: Heyy *hic* yoush is really pretty. Give Player a kish.
      • Short pause
      • SLAP*
      • Player: I deserv*hic*ed that.
      • Short pause
      • Player: Hyuuuurrrrgh.
      • Short pause
      • Player: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
      • Screen fades in, you awaken in your cell
      • Player: Oh gods, I feel so unwell.
    • No - I am a merciful god.
      • (Dialogue ends)

Using the Guard's keys on the egg room door:

  • Player: Dang, doesn't fit the lock.

Using any other object on the egg room door:

  • Player: Dang, doesn't fit. I mean, maybe If I wish really, really hard and keep pushing it at the lock it'll work?

Trying to open the door to the room with the guard in it:

  • If wearing the customs uniform:
  • Player: There's a guard in that room. I don't think he'll fall for my disguise at all.
  • If not wearing the customs uniform:
  • Player: There's a guard in that room. I don't think he'll fall for my disguise at all.

Creating a distraction[edit | edit source]

Using the pineapple on the puddle of slime:

  • You stick the pineapple in the gloop. It is now very, very sticky.

Using Wilson on the sticky pineapple:

  • Player: Okay little buddy, I have a plan. It's a weird plan, but go with it, okay?
  • Wilson nods sagely
    Squeak chitter chitter squeak.
  • You glue the pineapple to Wilson. Weirdly, he seems to find it quite comfortable.

Using Pineapple Wilson the door to the room with the guard in it:

  • Pineapple Wilson: Squeak
  • Guard: What is that?
  • Pineapple Wilson: Chitter chitter
  • Guard: What in the world?
  • Pineapple Wilson: Chitter
  • Guard: Is that a pineapple?

Investigating the bed after reading the poster:

  • You find the first-floor keys hidden under the bed.

The room with the crassian eggs[edit | edit source]

  • Kitten: Your real prison is your body.

Using the 'rum' on the strange eggs:

  • Player: Hrmm, this 'rum' does seem quite strong, I could probably set fire to these eggs.
    • Burn it to the ground?
      • Yes- I am the god of hellfire.
        • Screen fades out and in, the room with the crassian eggs is now on fire
        • Crassian crature: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
        • Player: That should prove an appropriate distraction.
      • No, thanks.
        • (Dialogue ends)

Upon entering the second floor

Screen fades out

The 2nd floor of the prison[edit | edit source]

Screen fades in, Mi-Gor is talking to someone
  • Mi-Gor: The serum is working perfectly. Injected directly into their veins the subjects are transforming into these strange creatures.They demonstrate superior strength and the latest addition of 'rum' has warped their minds an the process, making them pliable and docile.
  • Mysterious Figure: Exquisite. And you can make enough of this serum for our needs?
  • Mi-Gor: Once all the pieces are in play, yes.
  • Mysterious Figure: Be sure that you do. Let us not allow ourselves to be anchored down by ego, we do this right. We must be meticulous. We must be precise. We must show good form... But no mercy. I have waited so very long for my revenge and I will not allow anything to get in my way. Mos Le'Harmless will burn and all the treacherous sea dogs with it. Even the wretched cur that thinks we cannot see them spying on us.
  • Mi-Gor: YOU!
Screen fades out

Fleeing from Rock Island Prison[edit | edit source]

  • Player: We've got to go. NOW! Everyone, to the jetty, we can swim from there.
  • Bill Teach: Why the rush?
  • Madame Shih: That should be obvious, we've been discovered.
  • Madame Shih: MOVE OUT!
  • Two-Eyed Eric: I'm going to give up piracy and become an accountant!
  • Jimmy the Parrot: MOVE OUT!
Talking to Jimmy and Eric on the jetty[edit | edit source]
  • Player: Hello?
  • Jimmy the Parrot: Hello?
  • Two-Eyed Eric: I don't like it here, can we go home now?

Hunting Rabid Jack[edit | edit source]

Arriving on the Karamjan coast[edit | edit source]

  • Madame Shih: Where are all the others? Did they get lost along the way?
  • Bill Teach: I'm not sure, there was something in the water with us. Did you feel it?
  • Madame Shih: Bah! Pathetic excuses, is this what I should expect from all the pirates here?
    • Have some respect, they might be dead.
      • Player: Have some respect, they might be dead. If it wasn't for Eric and Jimmy we'd have never made it out of that prison.
      • Madame Shih: Oh, we'd have escaped alright, it just might have taken a little longer.
      • (Continues below)
    • You're right, they were weak.
      • Player: You're right, they were weak.
      • Bill Teach: Show some respect, Player. Without them we might never have made it out.
      • Madame Shih: No, no. Young Player is right, we owe the weak nothing except to conquer them. It is good to see that these lands are not filled exclusively with sniveling children.
      • (Continues below)
    • [Say nothing.]
      • Madame Shih: But let us talk of them no longer. Where are we?
      • Player: We're on the coast of Karamja.
      • Madame Shih: Far from your port then, Mostly Harmless, was it?
      • Bill Teach: Mos Le'Harmless. But don't worry, I can get us a boat ride from here.
      • Madame Shih: You two sort yourselves out, I need to reclaim my ship first anyway. I'll make my own way there.
      • Bill Teach: Very good, Madame. Shall we, Player?
        • Yes.
        • No-I'll make my own way.

Meeting the other captains[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Well, that was a surprisingly pleasant trip, almost no attempts at mutiny. I should go meet up with Bill in the secret basement.

The tavern[edit | edit source]

  • Joe: What'll it be?
  • A Long Drop.
    • Player: A Long Drop.
    • Joe: Ye sure?
    • Player: Aye. Drop me...
    • Joe: Take a seat.
You're dropped into the secret basement
  • Er, nothing?
    • Player:Er, nothing?
    • Joe: Then stop tryin' te take up me table space!

The secret basement[edit | edit source]

Initial discussion[edit | edit source]
  • Madame Shih: These are the dread captains of the western lands? A grubby bunch of drunkards and lunatics?

How Rabid Jack hasn't already wiped you all out I have no idea.

  • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Hey! We may not look like much, but the pirates of Mos Le'Harmless are a sturdy bunch.
  • Brass Hand Harry: Yeah, we've fought off hordes of undead pirates and Mi-Gor's mad machine men. We know what we're doing!
  • Madame Shih: Really? Where's your discipline? Who's your leader? Do you resolve all your problems via committee?
  • Bill Teach: Hey! Democracy has served us well so far.
  • Madame Shih: Ah yes, but how much has it held you back? I command the mightiest pirate fleet to ever sail the oceans of the Eastern Lands. I have scores of loyal pirates who dance to the tune I set. I could take this island from you all in a heartbeat. If I wanted it...I'm not sure I could stomach the smell.
    • [Let them continue.]]
      • Bill Teach: What's wrong with the smell? This is a proper, rugged, piratical smell!
      • Madame Shih: It smells as though a flatulent cow with alcohol problems has died down here.
      • Bill Teach: Don't you badmouth Bessie, I won't hear no one badmouth Bessie.
      • Brass Hand Harry: Yeah, she were a good cow, she were. Her milk was always just alcoholic enough to start the day right.
      • Madame Shih: The cow is REAL?
      • (Continues below)
    • [Interrupt.]
      • Player: Okay, that's enough, guys. We have bigger fish to fry than noxious odours.
      • Bill Teach: Sorry, I got nervous...
      • Player: We just escaped from the Customs and Excise prison, where they appear to be working with Mi-Gor to transform people somehow.
      • Player: AND Mi-Gor was talking to someone he referred to as his superior, which I think we can all agree can be only one person.
      • Everyone: Rabid Jack!
      • Brass Hand Harry: Which means he's finally bringing the fight to us.
      • Madame Shih: So, let's strike him now!
      • Bill Teach: A good plan, with only two drawbacks... The first is that we don't know where he is. The second is that WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS! I know that's technically one point, but it's so big that I thought it worth repeating.
      • Madame Shih: So, find out! He must have agents we can capture. Soldiers we can kidnap. Lovers we can torture?
      • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: His forces are the decomposing dead. So, I'm not sure they'll be more helpful.
      • Player: If only there were one of those undead pirates with us now... Someone who was once a loyal soldier... Perhaps even one of the barrelchest monstrosities and has now been... rehabilitated.
      • Zombie Pirate Head: Oh, rats. I was hoping you'd forget about me.
      • Madame Shih: What in the Hell-of-Being-Flayed-By-Knives is that thing?
      • Player: That, Madame Shih, is the information source we need. So, my decomposing friend, you're going to tell us everything we need to know!
Interrogating the Zombie pirate head[edit | edit source]
  • Zombie pirate head: I'm not telling you anything!
    • [Aggressive interrogation.]
      • Player: Okay, you sorry excuse for a head. You're going to tell me what I want to know, or you're going to be sorry!
      • Zombie pirate head: Oh,yeah? And what are you going to do to me huh?
        • I'll punch your lights out.
          • Zombie pirate head: I'm a decomposing head. Do you think I even feel pain anymore? And if I did, do you think a punch would even register when compared to nerve endings, slowly eroding away to nothing. You don't get it, do you? There's nothing you can do to hurt me. Nothing.
          • Zombie pirate head: I'm not telling you anything!
          • (Shows initial options)
        • I'll cut off your ear.
          • Zombie pirate head: Ooh, nice one. Very visceral there, nice and sinister. Of course, I'm a decapitated zombie head, so mutilation isn't really high on my list of concerns. Good effort though.
          • (Same as above)
        • I'll pour ants up your nose.
          • Zombie pirate head: I mean, that's just weird. It might make me sneeze I suppose. I mean, it's not like there aren't already things crawling around in here. A few more won't really matter.
          • (Same as above)
        • I'll rip off your wig!
          • Zombie pirate head: Really? You dress me up like this and then just as I'm enjoying it you threaten to rip it off again? That's not scary, just rude and confusing.
          • Player: You're enjoying it?
          • Zombie pirate head: Of course I am. If I can't love myself, how the hell am I gonna love anyone else? Can I get an 'amen?
          • (Same as above)
    • [Kind interrogation.]
      • Player: Okay, okay, I think we're starting on the wrong foot. We can be reasonable about this.
      • Zombie pirate head: Hah! Fat chance!
        • I love your makeup.
          • Player:I like your makeup, it's
          • Zombie pirate head: Cute? CUTE! I don't look cute! I do drop-dead GORGEOUS!
          • (Same as above)
        • Let me tell you a joke.
          • Player: Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
          • Zombie pirate head: I don't know?
          • Player: Because they'll just wash up on shore later!
          • Zombie pirate head: Laughing about the death of pirates at sea? That's low, dude, and I'm a decomposing zombie head.
            • Tell another?
              • Did you hear this one?
                • (Continues below)
              • No more jokes!
                • (Same as above)
          • Player: Why is piracy so addictive?
          • Zombie pirate head: The rush of adrenaline as you pillage and plunder?
          • Player: They say once you lose yer first hand, ye get HOOKED!
          • Zombie pirate head: Wow, dude, joking about people living with handicaps now?
          • Player: I know, I'm a terrible person.
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: How do philosopher pirates know that they're pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRRRRRR!
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: Did you hear what happened to the pirate that fell into the Red Sea? He got MAROONED!
          • Zombie pirate head: Where's this Red Sea? I've never heard of it before.
          • Player: Errr, go past the fourth wall and turn left?
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? He bought it on a sail!
          • Zombie pirate head: Wow, that's bad.
          • Player: I regret nothing. I still have more.
          • Zombie pirate head: Oh, gods...
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: What has eight arms, eight legs and eight eyes?
          • Zombie pirate head: Arr, that be the dread sea spider. We do not speak her name in fear that she mi-
          • Player: EIGHT pirates!
          • Zombie pirate head: That's a terrible stereotype.
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
          • Zombie pirate head: A nervous wreck.
          • Player: Oh, you know that one.
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: How much did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck 'n' ear!
          • Zombie pirate head: Why are they paying in deer?
          • Player: It's a joke, don't overthink how it fits into the canon.
          • Zombie pirate head: Why are you putting a poor little deer into a cannon? What kind of monster are you?
          • Player: Canon, not cannon.
          • Zombie pirate head: What?
          • Player: Never mind.
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs? Right where you left him!
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate? Because they were standing on the deck!
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: When you've just got back into Mos Le'Harmless after a long voyage and you're hungry and broke, you know what's criminal? The pie-rates!
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: Have you heard about the cannoneer that couldn't stop messing around on the job?
          • Zombie pirate head: Oh Ken. he[sic] was burned horribly and-
          • Player: He got fired!
          • Zombie pirate head: ...
          • Player: Oh, that actually happened to someone? Sorry...
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: Why was the pirate banned from boxing?
          • Zombie pirate head: He had a mean right hook!
          • Player: That's... actually better than what I was going to say.
          • Zombie pirate head: Go on, tell me.
          • Player: Nah, I'm no boxer myself, I couldn't deliver a better PUNCH line that that.
          • Zombie pirate head: Damn you.
            • (Same as above)
          • Player: Why can't you tell when the Eastern pirates get food poisoning?
          • Zombie pirate head: Hmm... I don't know, why is that?
          • Player: Because they have invisible salmon-ella!
            • (Loops back to the first joke)
        • Maybe we can come to an arrangement.
          • Zombie pirate head: Hrmm, okay, now you're talking my language matey. Okay, here's the deal. I'll tell you the location of Rabid jack's secret base. IF... You help me to find true meaning in life. I want to feel truly alive again!
          • Player: Err...that may be a little beyond my power.
          • Zombie pirate head: Nonsense! I've looked into it. I've done extensive research and I've come to the conclusion that I need but two things to be fulfilled... One. I need someone that I can care for and consider a true companion.
            • Are you hitting on me?
              • Zombie pirate head: Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I'm sorry but you are definitely not my type. But no, it doesn't need to be romantic. Just someone I can care for, like a child, or perhaps a pet.
              • Player: We could visit a pet shop, sure.
              • Zombie pirate head: You can't buy affection, what sort of zombie head do you take me for? No, no, no I need to find a true friend. Maybe you know someone who's giving away pets to heroic adventurers or something?
              • Player: Okay, that's one. What's the other thing?
              • Zombie pirate head: I want to watch the sunset on a tropical beach. Somewhere with the sound of nearby jungles and a nice west-facing sea. There I need to drown culture. Get me these things and I'll tell you everything you need to know. Deal?
                • Deal.
                  • Zombie pirate head: Excellent, let's get going!
                  • Screen fades out and in and you take the Zombie pirate head with you
                • No Deal.
                  • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.

(Shows initial options)

            • We can make that work.
              • (Same as above)
    • [Insane interrogation.]
      • [Copy everything he says.]
          • Zombie pirate head: Do your worst!
          • Player: Do your worst!
          • Zombie pirate head: Didn't I just say that?
          • Player: Didn't I just say that?
          • Zombie pirate head: Really? This is your tactic, repeating everything I say?
          • Player: Really? This is your tactic, repeating everything I say?
          • Zombie pirate head: What is this, interrogation by five-year-old?
          • Player: What is this, interrogation by five-year-old?
          • Zombie pirate head: ...
          • (Same as above)
      • [Spout nonsense phrases with gusto.]
          • Zombie pirate head: Do your worst!
          • Player: Lemons are just oranges that failed in life!
          • Zombie pirate head: Wait, what?
          • Player: Oh, ho! I see. I know who wore the green jumper - I KNOW, I KNOW!
          • Zombie pirate head: Are you feeling okay?
          • Player: The world is flat! If it was round we'd all fall off!
          • Zombie pirate head: You know that makes no sense, right?
          • Zombie pirate head: Yeah, this is just nonsensical rubbish. I'm not sure what you thought would happen here.
          • (Same as above)
      • [Just dance!]
        • Dance
        • Zombie pirate head: Err...nice moves?
        • Twirl
        • Zombie pirate head: What's going on here?
        • Breakdance
        • Zombie pirate head: Yeah...I don't know what your plan is, but it's not working.
          • (Same as above)
      • [Talk like Raven.]
          • Zombie pirate head: Haha! Do your worst!
          • Player: My worst? Oh dear, how unfortunate for you. Such a proposal, why it fills me with such monstrous whimsy.
          • Player: I could tease you with just enough bare hints of lore that you feel you are on the cusp of the answers you so seek...
          • Player: And then I rip that joy away with an answer just vague enough to be meaningless.
          • Zombie pirate head: You monster!
          • Player: A monster? Oh, my dear zombie head, you haven't even begun to dream of the cruelties I could inflict upon you.
          • Player: Tell me. Is there anyone you care about? A friend... a lover... an ally in all of Gielinor that you want to see do well?
          • Zombie pirate head: Well, I have been getting on well with this one pira-
          • Player: Because I could tear them from you! I could submit them to the cruellest of torture and feast deeply on their delicious tears.
          • Player: The tears of agony are the sweetest, I think. Suffering, and just the subtlest hint of hope.
          • Player: I love hope. The most exquisite of torture devices. People will suffer so much longer, so much deeper, if they believe there is hope.
          • Player: But you shouldn't have hope, my friend. Oh no. No hope for you, you see I'm going to... no... I better not say...
          • Player: Spoilers!
          • Zombie pirate head: While that was an impressively hammy performance, I'm still not going to tell you anything.
          • Player: CURSES!
          • (Same as above)
    • [Leave.]
  • Player: I'll talk to you later.
  • Zombie pirate head: I'll still have nothing to say to you.

Fulfilling your side of the deal[edit | edit source]

Chatting with the Zombie pirate head:

  • Ask about finding a friend.
    • Before talking to Gertrude:
    • Zombie pirate head: Maybe you know of some nice, kindly old person with a plethora of adorable pets to hand out to lonely adventurers?
    • After talking to Gertrude:
    • Zombie pirate head: Gertrude said to go and speak to her kids. She had some in her house and I think I heard some in the Varrock Market Square.
    • After finding the zombie head a friend:
    • Player: How's Wilson settling in?
    • Zombie pirate head: HAHAHAHAHAA he's tickling me!
    • Player: I don't see him.
    • Zombie pirate head: He's crawling all over my brain!
    • Player: I may throw up.
  • Ask about watching the sunset on a beach.
    • Before arriving in Karamja:
    • Zombie pirate head: I want to see the sunset on a beach somewhere. I'm thinking somewhere tropical, with the ocean to the west. Maybe with some music playing nearby, you know, set the mood. A nearby shop, something local. Just Outside a bigger village, so we can escape to civilisation if we need to.
    • After helping the zombie enjoy life:
    • Zombie pirate head: That was *hic* great. Lessgo find me a nice new friend somewhere.

If you destroyed the zombie head at anytime before completing both requirements,

  • Zombie pirate head: Shall we go then?
    • Sure, let's go!
    • Not just yet.
      • Zombie pirate head: Fine, let me know when you want to go.
Finding a friend for a decomposing head[edit | edit source]
Gertrude and kids[edit | edit source]


  • Ask about a pet for the zombie head.
    • Player: Hi, Gertrude. Don't suppose you have any more kittens lying about do you?. My friend here would really like one.
    • Gertrude: My word. What on Gielinor is that thing? Is that a talking head?
    • Zombie pirate head: Oi! Don't talk about me like I'm not here. How rude!
    • Gertrude: You're right, how terribly rude of me. I am so sorry.
    • Player: Soooo...kittens? Do you have any kittens?
    • Gertrude: I'm afraid not, no. All my remaining kittens are reserved for brave adventurers who need a feline companion. Though, come to think of it, the kids were talking about something they've been playing with. Perhaps they can help?
    • Player: Okay, thanks, I'll go have a chat with them.
  • Talk about something else
    • [...]
  • Ask Gertrude before asking the kids.
    • Gertrude: Hello dear. I thought you were going to chat to the kids?


  • Player: Hey there fellow kids.
  • Wilough: What?
  • Player: Your mother tells me that you've found an adorable fluffy critter for my friend here?
  • Wilough: Nope. Not me.
  • Zombie pirate head: Another kid maybe?
  • Wilough: Oh, wow! Is this a zombie head? Is it full of writhing worms and insects?
  • Zombie pirate head: Don't be revol-
  • Wilough: If it bites people, do they become whole zombies or is just their head zombified?
  • Zombie pirate head: Actually, that's a common misconcept-
  • Wilough: I bet it smells real bad. Can I hide it under Philop's bed?
  • Zombie pirate head: We're done here.

Wilough Shilop:

  • (Same as above)


  • Player: Hi there.
  • Kanel: RAAAAAAR! I am a deady dwagon. RAAAR!
  • Player: Oh, come on, not this again. I mean, yes, of course you are. On, terrible and powerful dwag...dragon. Your mother tells me that you've found another kitten?
  • Kanel: No. I found a big and terrible monster!
  • Player: Yes, yes, terrible monster. Where is this monster?
  • Kanel: It hides in the secret lair. A place so secret no one could ever guess where it-
  • Player: The sawmill. It's at the sawmill isn't it?
  • Kanel: Oh, you've seen it, then.
  • Zombie pirate head: I hate these kids.

Ask Kanel again:

  • Player: Where did you say the kitten was again?
  • Kanel: In a secret place. You'll never gue-
  • Player: Sawmill, yep, got it. Thanks.
  • Kanel: RAAAAAAR! I am a deady dwagon. RAAAR!


  • (Transcript missing?)
  • Player: Where did you say the kitten was again?
  • Philop: In a secret place. You'll never gue-
  • Player: Sawmill, yep got it. Thanks.
The sawmill[edit | edit source]

Searching the jiggling crate:

  • You lift the lid on the crate and from the darkness you hear a rustling noise. It does not sound like a kitten.
  • Reach inside?
    • Yes - I fear nothing.
      • Bravely you lower your fleshy digits into the crate. Any moment now you fear your fingers may be consumed by some eldritch horror within. Something brushes your fingertips. Something sticky with tiny feelers that probe your flesh. Tiny teeth nibble at your skin.
      • Pick up the creature?
        • Yes - it's probably fine.
          • You close your eyes and in one swift movement you withdraw the monstrous beast from the shadows. Slowly you dare to open your eyes.
          • Squeek
          • Player: Oh, Wilson, thank the stars it's you! Why are you sticky?
          • Chitter chitter Squeek chitter
          • Player: Oh, the pineapple thing. Yeah sorry about that.
          • Squeek chitter squeek
          • Player: I'm sorry we left you in that prison, but we needed to escape.
          • Chitter
          • Player: I know you're angry, but that is no way to talk about my mother!
          • Squeek
          • Player: Why are you so MEAN?
          • Zombie pirate head: You're being bullied by a rat?
          • Wilson turns his tiny gaze upon the zombie head. For a moment they stare at each other, dark soulless eyes gazing into each other with a terrible stillness. In the distance, a raven crows thrice, and Wilson and the head nod in unison.
          • Zombie pirate head: I see. I understand now.
          • Player: What? Did I miss something here?
          • Zombie pirate head: Wilson and I have come to an agreement. While you abandoned him to a terrible fate in a prison full of monsters...
          • Player: I said I was sorry.
          • Zombie pirate head: Like I said, you abandoned him, but gave him a taste of the adventuring lifestyle. He agrees that he and I should become adventurers ourselves, together. We would make an unstoppable duo!
          • Player: You're just a head...
          • Zombie pirate head: A FABULOUS, albeit slowly decomposing, head.
          • Player: Right, and he's a rat. A rat that smells of pineapple.
          • Zombie pirate head: Indeed. No one would expect us. We would face all our foes with the greatest weapon of all!
          • Player: Confusing perfumes?
          • Zombie pirate head: The element of SURPRISE! No one expects a zombie head and a rat to defeat them. By the time they realise we're upon them, their fate will already be sealed.
          • Player: How exactly?
          • Zombie pirate head: We' working on that. Arr, but before we can begin to conceive of such a partnership, we must first make sure none can claim Wilson here as mere vermin. He must be clearly displayed as my faithful animal companion. We will need two leather pieces and a gold bar. None of this hard leather, or any of that scaly stuff. It needs to be plain old normal leather so it doesn't scratch his little neck.
          • If you have the required materials with you:
            • Player: Which I just so happen to have on me!
            • Zombie pirate head: That seems awfully convenient...
            • Player: Would you believe divine providence?
            • Zombie pirate head: I would certainly believe a guiding hand was involved. Anyway, that's all we need.
            • You craft an exquisite collar and strap it around Wilson's tiny neck. He squeaks excitedly.
            • Zombie pirate head: So, now that you're suitably dressed me matey, yea be ready to sail the seven seas with me as me first mate?
            • Wilson squeaks excitedly and nods his tiny head.
            • Zombie pirate head: Excellent! Then the oath be sealed. Come, Player, Let us sail on!
          • If you don't have the required materials with you:
            • Player: Why exactly?
            • Zombie pirate head: Because every good pet needs a collar. What if he gets lost?
            • Player: It's not like you're going to go very far...Okay, fine. I'll get the leather and the gold. I'll be back here shortly.
            • If you return without the items:
            • Player: Hi Wilson, I'm back.
              • The rat looks at you with impatient eyes.
            • Player: What?
            • The rat taps its tiny little feet. He seems to be waiting for you to remember something.
            • Player:I forgot the stuff, didn't I?
            • The rat nods a slow, faintly sarcastic nod. You feel oddly ashamed.
            • Player: I'll... err... I'll come back with two pieces of leather and a gold bar.
            • If you return with the items:
            • Player: Hi Wilson, I'm back.
            • Zombie pirate head: Arrr, and ye've got the leather and the gold, I can smell it on yer.
            • Player: Also, you're in my backpack...
            • Zombie pirate head: Aye, that too.
            • You craft an exquisite collar and strap it around Wilson's tiny neck. He squeaks excitedly.
            • Zombie pirate head: So, now that you're suitably dressed me matey, yea be ready to sail the seven seas with me as me first mate?
            • Wilson squeaks excitedly and nods his tiny head.
            • Zombie pirate head: Excellent! Then the oath be sealed. Come, Player, Let us sail on!
        • No - it's going to kill me!
          • You close the lid, let out a sigh of relief and then remember that you still actually want to complete this quest.
    • No - it might bite me!
      • You leave the box alone. It sits there patiently, waiting for you to reveal the monstrosity within.
Drowning in culture[edit | edit source]

Arriving at the perfect spot:

  • Zombie pirate head: STOP! This. Is. PERFECT!
    • Put the zombie head down.
    • Come back later.
  • Zombie pirate head: We'll come back here later, I've got things I want to do first.
  • Zombie pirate head: Arr, but it be so pretty here.

Delivering the drinks:

  • If you have all the required drinks on you:
  • Player: I've brought you a Blurberry Special. It's made from all the ingredients you like, plus it has that leafy citrus flavour.
  • Zombie pirate head: Marvellous! Hand it over, matey!
  • Give the zombie head the Blurberry Special?
    • Yes.
      • Zombie pirate head: Ahhh. Delicious... Hrmm... No... No. Doesn't quite hit the mark. I think I need something else.
      • Player: Really? You couldn't have said that earlier?
      • Zombie pirate head: I want something alcoholic. With berries and a sweet, sticky taste. Oooh, and I want it to be creamy. Deliciously creamy, like a cake in liquid form.
      • Player: Sooo, I happen to already have one of those on me.
      • Zombie pirate head: That's convenient.
      • Player: I always come prepared.
      • Give the zombie head the Drunk Dragon?
        • Yes.
          • Zombie pirate head: Ooh, yes that hits the spot. And yet...
          • Player: Oh, come on, really?
          • Zombie pirate head: Yes, yes. The cream is nice, but I want something sweeter and yet a tinge of bitterness. I'm tired of gin, I want something with a woodier flavour. Keep it creamy. I love the creamy flavour of these cocktails, but I want a touch of sweetness as well.
          • Player: Well, what do you know, I've got a Chocolate Saturday on me right now.
          • Zombie pirate head: Of course you have...
          • Player: I'd say that this fits all your criteria.
          • Give the zombie head the Blurberry Special?
            • Yes.
              • Zombie pirate head: Ahhh, yes that hit the spot. that's just what i needed. Nothing left to do but to stare out across the sea and watch the sunset.
              • Watch the sunset?
                • Yes.
                  • Screen fades out and in, you're now watching the sunset
                  • Zombie pirate head: It's really quite beautiful, isn't it? The sunset?
                  • Yes, it is.
                    • Player: Yes, it is. I've always thought so.
                    • Zombie pirate head: When you're sailing out across the great seas - -plundering, murdering and all that - you never really stop to appreciate it. The colours as they dance across the waves. The sounds as they change. The night animals taking over from the day. There's a special sort of magic there.
                    • Player: It helps to be drunk as well, of course.
                    • Zombie pirate head: Oh, hells to the yeah! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH! okay, that's it. That's everything that books say I need for a full and complete life.
                    • Player: What books are you reading?
                    • Zombie pirate head: hey, they're my secrets to a happy life, get your own!
                    • Player: Whatever. So you're going to tell me about Rabid Jack's base?
                    • Zombie pirate head: Not here. Let's go back to the secret basement so no one overhears us.
                  • No, it's horrible.
                    • Player: No, it's horrible! I hate it!
                    • Zombie pirate head: Really? But it's so peaceful and beautiful!
                    • Player: But the darkness creeps in and eclipses the light. Anything could be hiding in those shadows. ANYTHING!
                    • Zombie pirate head: Who hurt you?
                    • Player: Everyone...
                  • Meh.
                    • Player: Meh.
                    • Zombie pirate head: Meh! MEH? You have the wonders of creation right before you? The dazzling colours as day passes into night? The strange energies as twilight approaches and the eldritch strangeness of darkness arrives and you say 'meh'?
                    • Player: It happens every day, no biggie.
                    • Zombie pirate head: I feel oddly sorry for you.
                • No.
                  • (Dialogue ends)
            • No.
              • Player: I think I will hold onto it for now.
              • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.
        • No.
          • Player: I think I will hold onto it for now.
          • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.
    • No.
      • Player: I think I will hold onto it for now.
      • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.
  • If you don't have all the required drinks on you:
    • Zombie pirate head: Arr, this be perfect. The sun on my face, the wind in my hair. But it needs more. Something is missing.
    • Player: Swimming with dolphins?
    • Zombie pirate head: I be of the sea, matey. I swam with my fair share of cetaceans.
    • Player: Build the mightiest sandcastle ever known?
    • Zombie pirate head: Bah! What would be the point? The sea is a cruel mistress, she'd claim it soon as we build it. No. I need something more cultural. Something pure. Something that makes a lasting memory. I NEED COCKTAILS! They're cultural, they're pure and they give you long-lasting memories!
    • Player: Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong. Fine, what do you want to drink?
    • Zombie pirate head: I want something with vodka, gin and brandy. I think they'd go well together. I like citrus flavours as well. I'd like it to have that. Finally, it should have a faint leafy flavour to it. Yeah, that should do it.
    • Player: That's... very specific.
    • Zombie pirate head: What can I say? It's what I crave!
    • Player: I'll see what I can do.
  • If you brought back a Drunk Dragon:
    • Player: I've brought you a Drunk Dragon. It's got pineapple and dwellberries in it and it's mixed in with cream.
    • Zombie pirate head: Sounds marvellous! Let me try it!
  • If you brought back a Choclate Saturday:
    • Player: I've brought you a Chocolate Saturday. It should meet all your alcoholic needs.
    • Zombie pirate head: Sounds marvellous! Let me try it!

Back at the secret basement[edit | edit source]

  • Madame Shih: So, did you learn what you needed to learn from our strange decomposing head here?
  • Player: No yet, we're in a secret location now, it's time to tell us everything zombie head.
  • Zombie pirate head: Okay. What I'm about to tell you is one of Rabid Jack's biggest secrets. If he ever finds out I told you, his revenge will be unspeakable.
  • Brass Hand Harry: Oh, just get on with it!
  • Zombie pirate head: Rude. Here I am, about to betray my own captain and you can't even give me the decency of a bit of respect.
  • Bill Teach: We're very sorry for interrupting, please continue.
  • Zombie pirate head: Well, Rabid jack has a hidden island just off the Cursed Archipelago. Kraken Tooth island, he calls it. It's a terrible place. Shrouded in fog so dense that you can't see the person next to you. Cold as ice and... There are things in the fog. Things that skitter. Things that slither and writhe. The noises they make...oh gods, the noises...
  • Player: Focus.
  • Zombie pirate head: Sorry, yes. Well this island is where he's building up his forces and conducting his most terrible experiments. He's turning people into monster. Innocent people, not even the undead like us, just people.
  • Player: Where's the island? Can you take us there?
  • Zombie pirate head: I am not going back there, no way. But I'll mark it on a map for you.
  • Madame Shih: One of my ships can take us there. I've got a rowboat anchored at the south-west beach. Prepare for a fight and head there when you are ready.

Talking to the zombie head:

  • Zombie pirate head: Hahahahaa, stop it Wilson, that's my optical nerve you're chewing on. It tickles!

Talking to Bill Teach:

  • Madame Shih: This Kraken Tooth island sounds dangerous. You'd best prepare for a fight. When you are ready, use the rowboat I've moored on the south-west beach of Mos Le'Harmless to row out to my ship. I shall ferry you all there.

On the ship[edit | edit source]

  • The map leads you deep into the ocean, but it soon becomes clear that the island is nowhere to be seen. For hours it's just empty ocean. When suddenly the ship runs aground something.
  • Bill Teach: I thought you said you knew this place like the back of yer hand. How've we run aground?
  • Madame Shih: Do not take that tone with me on my own ship, Bill Teach. We must have hit a coral reef. Make yourselves useful.
  • Izzy No Beard: Aye, aye, captain. I'LL check the bow.
  • Brass Hand Harry: And I the stern, madame.
  • Captain Braindeath: And I the bottle... *hic*
  • Madame Shih: Please, Player, if you could check below decks for any damage...

Kitten on deck.

  • Kitten: From beneath it devours.

Talking to any pirate:

  • Madame Shih: Have you checked below decks yet? We could be sinking! Use the deck door towards the rear of the boat.
  • Player: Not yet...but none of these pirates have made a move yet either!
  • Madame Shih: Pirates are often slow to get started. Don't be a pirate. Show them the way.

Upon trying to enter the door:

  • Mysterious figure: Please, don't leave on my account...
  • Bill Teach: Lads, he's here! Get 'im!
  • Brass Hand Harry: We've killed yer once, we'll do it again!
  • Izzy No Beard: Aye, and this time ye stay dead.
  • Captain Braindeath: And then we'll drink ter[sic] it! *hic*
  • Madame Shih: Um, gentlemen, you might want to look behind you...
  • The four captains are captured by tentacles.
  • Mysterious figure: Ha! Meet me new pet; I think she likes ya, boys.
  • Rabid Jack: Now, madame, I don't believe I've made yer acquaintance. Rabid Jack's me name.
  • Rabid Jack kidnaps Madame Shih and teleports away.
  • Rabid Jack: Right! You boys have fun! I'm off - Mos Le'Harmless ain't gonna invade itself with zombie pirates!
Zogoth cracks open the ship and attacks you
  • Bill Teach: What was that beastie?
  • Brass Hand Harry: It's some sort of crassian, I reckon.
  • Izzy No Beard: More importantly, how was Jack able to control it?
  • Player: I'll bet it's something to do with the black rock.
  • Brass Hand Harry: Madame Shih, do you know- Oh...
  • Izzy No Beard: Where'd she go?
  • Bill Teach: Jack took her, I think; I can't see her in the water.
  • Captain Braindeath: Well, what now? This boat's a wreck, and Jack's off invading our homes!
  • Brass Hand Harry: We've got to save Mos Le'Harmless!
  • Captain Braindeath: Aye, and me my brewers!
  • Bill Teach: I'll call for Pirate Pete, he'll ferry us back. Hang on..
  • Pirate Pete teleports everyone back to Mos Le'Harmless, one after another.
  • Player: This...
  • Player:
  • Player: ...going...
  • Player:
  • Player: OW!
  • Pirate Pete:*phew* This teleporting malarkey is hard work!
Screen fades out

Fighting against the horror that is Rabid Jack[edit | edit source]

Fending back the invasion on Mos Le'Harmless[edit | edit source]

Screen fades in, Rabid Jack is surrounded by dead pirates
  • Rabid Jack: Arr, here we are at last and each landlubbing one of yer is rightfully cowering before me. Ye all left me for dead. Left me for the crabs and fishes. But I didn't die, I'm Rabid Jack! I'll NEVER die! Arr, but what I did do is I held a grudge. I held a grudge and it sustained me, fed me better than any banquet. As I fell into the dark embrace of the ocean, her cold clammy hands clasping round my lungs. I swore revenge and the sea, she answered my prayer. Haha! She changed me she did, the sea. Took my frailty and human weaknesses and gave me life anew. And oh, how I harboured that hate. Oh, how I grew fat upon it. Seething in the ocean depths, and preparing. All for today! Witness, my pathetic brethren! Witness as I reclaim what is rightfully mine! I am Rabid Jack and everything you own belongs TO ME! Pray to your gods if you like. Not that it matters you understand. I've seen death... And there are no gods listening for our prayers.
  • Bill Teach: That madman. Come on, if we don't stop them, these barrelchests and zombies are going to destroy everything. No one destroys my home and gets away with it. Come on, Player... LET'S KICK SOME BOOTY!
Screen fades out and in, the invasion has begun

Pirate on the walls:

  • During the first wave:
    • While the zombies on the wall are still 'alive':
      • Pirate: Too many zombies!
    • After the zombies on the wall have been killed:
      • Player: Let's get you up.
      • Pirate: I'll hold them here, matey.
  • During the second wave:
    • While the zombies on the wall are still 'alive':
      • Pirate: Too many zombies!
    • After the zombies on the wall have been killed:
      • Player: Let's get you up.
      • Pirate: I'll hold them here, matey.
Meeting after the fight[edit | edit source]
  • Bill Teach: I can't believe we did it. We fought back Rabid Jack's entire army! It was a tough fight and we lost a lot of good men, but we prevailed.
  • Brass Hand Harry: It was too easy.
  • Bill Teach: You're kidding, right? You were in the same fight as the rest of us?
  • Brass Hand Harry: Rabid Jack has been preparing for this fight for years. He's building an army of the undead and transforming people into horrible monsters. And we fought, what, several undead pirates and one or two of those barrelchest things? Where were the sea monsters? Those weird crab people? The mutating zombies? Where did Jack go?
  • Player: He did leave early into the fight. I did wonder where.
  • Izzy No Beard: *pant* I know where he *wheeze* went...
  • Bill Teach: Izzy, what happened? You look exhausted!
  • Izzy No Beard: Just *wheeze* swam back from my what's left of my *wheeze* ship. Rabid Jack obliterated her with cannon fire, I'm lucky to escape. This whole invasion, the massacred pirates, it was all just a cover. He and Mi-Gor have taken control of the distillery.
  • Bill Teach: What? Why would they want that place?
  • Player: The'rum'. They're after the 'rum'.
  • Izzy No Beard: Exactly. They're mixing it with some of that strange black rock we've been finding all over the place. Apparently, it's the key ingredient in some sort of serum.
  • Player: They're planning on turning people into monsters and if they have the distillery...
  • Bill Teach: Holy mackerel, they'd have enough of the stuff to infect the whole ruddy world.
  • Player: Not to mention a delivery system. That 'rum' shifts to just about every port in Gielinor.
  • Brass Hand Harry: No more 'rum'?
  • Player: If we don't stop him, it'll be no more world.
  • Bill Teach: I'll get the fleet ready. Player, you'll need to infiltrate the distillery. Get in there and see if you can ruin their plans.
  • Player: Ruining things is what I do best. Wait, that came out wrong.
Screen fades out

Taking back Braindeath island[edit | edit source]

Pirate Pete[edit | edit source]

Talking to Pirate Pete:

  • Talk about Pieces of Hate.
    • Player: Quick! I need to get to Braindeath Island!
    • Pirate Pete: Alright, then. Close your eyes and count to five.
  • Talk about something else.
    • [...]
Barrelchest Mk I[edit | edit source]

Talking to the Barrelchest Mk I without a disguise:

  • Barrelchest MK I: You look a little flushed for a zombie pirate. Are you one of Captain Donnie's crew or an escaped distillery worker? Note that if you are a distillery worker, I will have to take you hostage. There is also a good chance you'll be thrown into the basement with the fever spiders.
    • You got me, I'm one of Donnie's crew.
      • Barrelchest MK I: I thought as much. Trying to disguise yourself as a living person to sneak into the distillery won't work - I'm smarter than that, you silly zombie pirate.
        • Try another response?
          • Yes.
            • (Shows initial options)
          • No.
            • Player: Hmm, that didn't work.
            • Barrelchest MK I:Did you just say 'Hmm, that didn't work' right in front of me?
            • Player: Oh, yeah, I'll do my scheming out of earshot. Bye!
    • Yeah, I'm a distillery worker!
      • Barrelchest MK I: Pull the other anchor. Clear off and tell Captain Donnie to stop trying to sneak spies in. Mi-Gor is in charge here now.
        • (Same as above)
    • Neither, I'm Player!
      • Barrelchest MK I: Player, the scourge of Mi-Gor - [he/she] would not dare to show [his/her] face around here. So, obviously, you are not them.
        • (Same as above)
    • No I'm a barrelchest in human disguise.
      • Barrelchest MK I: It's not very convincing human disguise. The face is all wrong for a start.
      • Player: Hey!
      • Barrelchest MK I: And then there's the misshapen body.
      • Player: I said hey...
        • (Same as above)
  • After entering the distillery:
    • Without a disguise:
      • Barrelchest MK I: Go join the queue, human brewer. Don't make me smash you.
      • Player: Sure, I'll just go do that. Bye!
    • With the barrelchest disguise on:
      • Player: Nice porthole.
      • Barrelchest MK I: Don't make me report you to HR.

Talking to the Barrelchest MK I with the barrelchest disguise on:

  • Barrelchest MK I: Aren't you a little bitty for a barrelchest?
  • Player: Huh?
  • Barrelchest MK I: I thought all the Mk IIs were destroyed on Bloodsplatter Isle, anyway...
  • Player: Er, yeah, they were. I was sent on a mission to the mainland.
  • Barrelchest MK I: Hmm, like that mutinous assassin Mi-Gor sent out?
  • Player: Er, no. Definitely not him. So...can I go into the distillery?
  • Barrelchest MK I: Only if you give me the passcode. Challenge:'You fight like a distillery brewer.' Response: awaiting...
    • Which response will you give?
    • Your're landlubber, I'm Mk II.
      • Barrelchest MK I: Incorrect. You may be a superior model, but I am a pirate through and through, just like Bosun Giles.
      • Player: Ha! Through and through. Good one.
      • Barrelchest MK I: ...
      • Player: You know, because of how he died?
      • Barrelchest MK I: ...
      • Player: He took a cannonball to the chest...
      • Barrelchest MK I: ...
      • Player: Never mind.
        • (Same as below)
    • Oh yeah?
      • Barrelchest MK I: Incorrect. Also: yeah.
        • (Same as below)
    • I'm shaking, I'm shaking.
      • Barrelchest MK I: Incorrect. Perhaps you are malfunctioning.
        • (Same as below)
    • Boing, fwip!
      • Barrelchest MK I: Incorrect. What are you, eleven?
        • Try another response?
        • Yes.
        • No.
          • (Ends dialogue)
    • After overhearing the passcode from Captain Donnie:
      • Player: 'How appropriate. You fight like a zombie sea cow.'
      • Barrelchest MK I: Correct. You may pass.
Captain Donnie[edit | edit source]

Talking to Captain Donnie without a disguise:

  • Captain Donnie: Hey! You!
  • Player: Who? Me?
  • Captain Donnie: Aye! Ye! Got any more 'rum'? Argh, who am I kidding? Of course ye don't. Mi-Gor and his goons have taken control of the distillery, and sent me ship 'n' crew off ter invade Mos Le'Harmless.
  • Player: Why's he done that?
  • Captain Donnie: He's trying ter show me who's boss fer one, and he wants ter increase the production of 'rum' so he can turn all the captives into a black stone-controlled invasion force. Apparently, me progress wasn't fast enough, and he found me 'rum'-pumped crabs laughtable. Something's lit a fire uder Rabid Jack's plans for global zombification and oh I've said too much.

Talking to Captain Donnie with the barrelchest disguise on:

  • Captain Donnie: Urgh, what now? Does Mi-Gor have more orders fer me? More ingredients ter source, perhaps?
  • Player: Er, sure... He said to, um...
    • Give Donnie some fake orders?
    • I have come to tell you to leave.
      • Captain Donnie: He wants me ter leave? With what? He sent me ship 'n' crew off ter assault Mos Le'Harmless. An' I ain't swimmin'! Ye tell that sawbones if he wants me ter leave he can call back me ship!
    • (Shows initial options)
    • After talking to the Barrelchest Mk I in disguise:
    • Mi-Gor wants to see you right now!
      • Captain Donnie: Yeah, well, I don't want to see him! You can go tell him that I want me ship 'n' crew back, and that I wish he and that Murphy fella would circle the drain! He'll know what I mean.
      • Player: I shall pass on your message to Mi-Gor...
      • Captain Donnie: Actually, don't bother. I wanna tell him right to his ugly mask! Hey, barrelchest! Step aside, ye swabbie cur, I want a word with yer boss!
      • Barrelchest MK I: Only if you give me the passcode. Challenge:'You fight like a distillery brewer.' Response: awaiting...
      • Captain Donnie: 'How appropriate. You fight like a zombie sea cow.'
      • Screen fades out and in
      • Some time later...
      • Captain Donnie: Felt good gettin' that off me chest.
      • Barrelchest MK I: Mi-Gor has barred you from entering, Captain Donnie.
      • Captain Donnie: Worth it!
    • I've come to join your crew!
      • Captain Donnie: That ye'd willingly mutiny against that mini mouth-breather and his pet grease zombie would bring a smile ter me face, aye... But I'd not willingly take a backstabber fer me own crew - can't be trusted.
      • (Shows initial options)
    • Mi-Gor is in need of some witchwood.
      • Before getting 100% Luke's leg:
        • Captain Donnie: Witchwood? That's an ingredient in the 'rum'? Blimey.
        • Player: Considering what else goes in it, you're suprised by a bit of wood?
        • Captain Donnie: It's not that, just witchwood is really hard to come by is all. Certainly ain't none of this here island. Anyone with half a brain would know how scarce it is, and oh my gosh, he means Luke, doesn't he? If that jumped-up little necrosurgeon thinks I'm gonna chop up me own crew for his experiments...
        • Player: Then that's exactly what you'll do, captain!
        • Captain Donnie: Fine! If those're me orders, then fine, but doesn't expect me ter be liking 'em. Ye wait here.
        • Screen fades out and in
        • Captain Donnie: There ye go - yer witchwood. Luke's taking a break from guarding the gate.
      • After getting 100% Luke's leg or if you ask after destroying 100% Luke's leg:
        • Captain Donnie: Yer not getting any more outta Luke! (You will get the leg if you destroyed it previously)
        • (Shows initial options)
    • Stand fast, captain.
      • Captain Donnie: Urgh, he sent you out here to order me to keep doing nothing? And here's me thinkin' I couldn't dislike that surgeon sycophant any more than I already did.
Davey[edit | edit source]

Initial dialogue:

  • Davey: Oh, thank goodness! Are you here to help? I need help.
  • Player: What's going on here?
  • Davey: We were doing fine when it was just Captain Donnie - we were able to produce enough 'rum' to keep his crew, er, happy.
  • Player: With your 'rum', more like sedated.
  • Davey: But then these two other zombie pirates showed up with these monstrous barrel-chested constructs. At first, it seemed like a good thing. They sent Donnie's ship and crew off somewhere, things quieted down a bit. That is until they stormed the distillery! They took the brewers hostage and are interrogating Captain Braindeath. It was just dumb luck that I was in here at the time. I hid to avoid capture.
  • Player: What do they want with the distillery?
  • Davey: That's just it, I don't know! Maybe you can sneak to the side window of the office and listen in?

After eavesdropping at the office:

  • Player: It's Mi-gor and Mechanical Murphy! They're interrogating Captain Braindeath for his recipe for 'rum'. I suspect they plan to brew a vast batch, mix it with some black stone, and use it to turn masses of people into zombies! Mi-Gor coerced him by pushing the brewers into the fever spider pit one-by-one.
  • Davey: Oh no, we have to stop them!
  • Player: Any suggestion how? Did Braindeath give them anything? That's the odd thing - Braindeath saw me. He looked right at me when he told them the last ingredient was witchwood?
  • Davey: Well, that's not right. We don't use witchwood in the recipe. Unless he was giving you a clue... Of course! He was referring to Operation Witchwood! That might just be crazy enough to work! First off, you'll probably need this... I've been sneaking about for parts to build a makeshift disguise. Figured it'd come in handy.
  • Davey hands you his makeshift barrelchest disguise.
  • Player: What's Operation Witchwood?
  • Davey: It's a plan the Captain and I hatched to get rid of Donnie and his crew. It's named that because we need to get past 50% Luke, but he won't let us. Recently, we've having issues with 'rum'-pumped crabs escaping from the dungeon on the north od the island. They don't often come out of the dungeon, but when they do, they're drawn to our vats of 'rum'. We figured If we could find a way to lure a load of them out, they'd be attraced to Donnie's 'rum'-soaked reprobates and we'd have an army of crabs on our side to chase them off.
  • Player: I guess it's worth a shot. I'll find a way to get past Luke.
  • Davey: You'll also need to figure out how to soak the pirates in the distillery with 'rum', oh, and also how to blow up the dungeon entrance.
  • Player: What?
  • Davey: Tell you what - if you can find a way to get past 50% Luke, come back here and we'll discuss the finer points of the plan if you need to.

(Transcript of various hints missing)

Once you clear all tasks except bombing the entrance:

  • Player: Okay, 66.6...% Luke is out of the picture and I can access the north of the island.
  • Davey: 66.6...% Luke? You know what, never mind.
  • Player: I've also gained access to the distillery floor. Mi-Gor, Murphy and Giles are all 'rum'-soaked, awaiting a good crabbing. We're all set on the bombing front too. The Baron has some explosive 'rum' barrels.
  • Davey: Fantastic! Everything is in place. Head to this Baron friend of yours and let's do this thing!
  • Player: On it. You should probably take cover somewhere just to be safe.

After getting past 66...% Luke, talking to Baron von Hattenkrapper and gaining access to the distillery:

  • Player: Okay 66...% Luke is out of the picture and I can access the north of the island.
  • Davey: 66...% Luke? You know what, never mind.
  • Player: I've also gained access to the distillery floor. Mi-Gor, Murphy and Giles are all 'rum'-soaked, awaiting a good crabbing. I ran into an old ally who's helped me blow up barrelchests before. They've offered to assist, I just need some explosives.
  • Davey: Good job there's a distillery full of 'rum', then. That stuff is strong enough to blow the doors of a dungeon. If you can nab some barrels from the brewery, I'm sure your friend could make use of them. There'll be some small barrels stored on the upper floor.
The office[edit | edit source]

Eavesdropping at the office:

  • You can just about make out some voices talking in the office.
  • Mi-Gor: ...we must know the final ingredient, Captain.
  • Captain Braindeath: Never! If I'd have known what you were doing with it I'd have destroyed this distillery!
  • Mechanical Murphy: Giles: the Captain here needs some more convincing.
  • Bosun Giles: Yes, sir. Time to feed the spiders...
  • Giles pushes one of the brewers down the ladder to the fever spiders.
  • Brewer: I love you, Sarah!
  • Captain Braindeath: You monsters! Leave my brewers alone! They don't know anything.
  • Mi-Gor: Precisely why they are expendable! If you'd only tell us your recipe, they will be spared.
  • Mechanical Murphy: Just tell us, Braindeath. End your suffering. You've held out long enough.
  • Captain Braindeath: I... I... Fine, I'll tell you... It's..
  • Captain Braindeath, spotting you peering in the window, looks you square in the eyes as he says...
  • Captain Braindeath: Witchwood! The final ingredient is witchwood.
  • Mi-Gor: There, that wasn't too difficult now, was it?
  • Bosun Giles: What about the rest of the brewers, sirs?
  • Mechanical Murphy: Throw them all in.
  • Captain Braindeath: What? But I told you the last ingredient!
  • Mi-Gor: You are far too trusting. Witchwood is too rare a resource to be the final ingredient, but we will know it, Captain.
  • Mechanical Murphy: Giles: you may smash when ready.
  • Giles pushes the last brewers down the ladder to the fever spiders.
  • Brewer: I died brewing what I love!
  • Brewer: I like spiders!

Trying to eavesdrop again:

  • Player: I've heard all I need to. Better not risk getting spotted.
The kitten[edit | edit source]


  • Kitten: The 'rum' must flow.
Inside the distillery[edit | edit source]

Talking to Barrelchest Giles:

  • Without a disguise:
  • Barrelchest Giles: Wait, didn't I knock you into the spider pit already?
  • Player: Hah, must have been someone else, oh wait, is that the time, gotty go, bye!
  • With the barrelchest disguise on:
    • Barrelchest Giles:' What is it, crewman?
    • Player: Can I get past, please? I need to talk to Mi-Gor.
    • Barrelchest Giles:' Entry denied. Only other captains may parley with Mi-Gor. I can pass on a message if you like?
      • Tell him Player says hello.
        • Barrelchest Giles:' Tell Player that Mi-Gor says hello back.
      • Tell him the invasion failed.
        • Barrelchest Giles:' I'm not telling him that, even if it's true... which it can't be.
        • (Shows previous options)
      • Tell him Donnie hates him.
        • Barrelchest Giles:' Tell Donnie Mi-Gor knows, and that the feeling is mutual.
        • (shows previous options)
      • Tell him my friend likes him.
        • Barrelchest Giles:' Do you want me to punch him on the arm too?
        • (Shows previous options)
      • Not really.
        • (Dialogue Ends)

Blocking the pressure barrel:

  • Player: Hey, this leg would bend perfectly around these pipes! That should stuff up the works!
  • Overloading the pressure.
  • Player: Here goes nothing...
  • {{{1}}}: You crank up the pressure.
  • {{{1}}}: You crank some more and the machinery starts to complain...
  • {{{1}}}: You over-pressurise the machinery to the point of breaking!
  • {{{1}}}: The zombie pirates are all soaked in 'rum. Captain Braindeath too, but he's in on the plan, so he should be fine.
  • Bosun Giles: Argh!
  • Mechanical Murphy: We're covered in 'rum'! It's sticky.
  • Mi-Gor: Is this your doing, Braindeath! What are you playing at?
  • Captain Braindeath: Don't get CRABBY with me, you 'rum' dandy! This is what you get when you push all my brewers in a pit. This is YOUR fault!
  • Player: Right, that's the zombie pirates covered in 'rum'. What was next? Davey will know.
50% / 66...% Luke[edit | edit source]

Talking to 50% Luke (before eavesdropping the office):

  • 'Player: How come you're still here, Luke?
  • 50% Luke: Somoeone has to keep guarding this gate.
  • 'Player: But why, there's nothing out there.
  • 50% Luke: There has been of late. I hear it at night... cawing me.
  • 'Player: Cawing? What, like a crow?
  • 50% Luke: Not a crow, a gull.
  • Player: Gulls don't caw, they, um... how do you describe the noise gulls make?
  • 50% Luke: Exactly! It's indescribable!
  • 'Player: And you're scared of it?
  • 50% Luke: No, I'm made of sterner stuff than that. Well, half of me is, at least.
  • 'Player: Remind me again what it is that you are made of.
  • 50% Luke: I'm made of 'the right stuff'!
  • 'Player: I meant more 'the left stuff'?
  • 50% Luke: It's witchwood.

Trying to distract 50% Luke before progressing.

  • 'Player: Hey Luke! Look over there, a three-headed monkey!
  • 50% Luke: And look, by the gate, a one-headed monkey.
  • 'Player: Hey Luke! Look an eagle!
  • 50% Luke: If you'd have saaid albatross or seagull... I still wouldn't have looked.
  • 'Player: Hey Luke! Is that Rabid Jack over there?
  • 50% Luke: Nope. He wouldn't come here himself.
  • 'Player: Hey Luke! That thing by the trees is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
  • 50% Luke: How nice for you.
  • 'Player: Hey Luke! Would you kindly be distracted and look away for a second?
  • 50% Luke: And let you slip through the gate? Nah, I'm good.
  • 'Player: Hey Luke!
  • 50% Luke: Hey, Player. Get the message. I ain't falling for your distractions

With a barrelchest disguise on

  • 50% Luke: I ain't talking to none of you jumped-up bucket heads. Go aweigh somewhere else.

Talking to 66...% Luke:

  • Trying to go through the gate:
  • Player: Hey, Luke!
  • 66...% Luke: If you wanna go through the gate, go through the gate. I don't care anymore. But beware of the seagull.
  • Talking to him with the barrelchest disguise on:
    • 66...% Luke:I ain't talking to none of you jumped-up bucket heads. Go aweigh somewhere else.
  • Talking to him without the barrelchest disguise:
    • Player: Hey, Luke, what's up? Everything good with you?
    • 66...% Luke: Couldn't be better! I've not felt this good in ages!
    • Player: But your leg, er...
    • 66...% Luke: Oh, that. Yeah, the Cap needed it for those schmucks in the distillery. I was reluctant at first, but since giving it up I've been felling more like my old self again!
    • Player: But you're still only half you.
    • 66...% Luke: Yes, but no longer half wood. That witchwood stuff is great and all - a miracle o' nature, to be sure - but you become so reliant on it. I'm now 66.6...% Luker. Or 66.7% Luke for short.
    • Player: Why 66...% Luke, though?
    • 66...% Luke: As opposed to?
    • Player: I dunno, maybe... 2/3rds Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: nah, the percentage is part of my identity. People might not recognise me if I changed that.
    • Player: I have some more name suggestions for you. Want to hear?
    • 66...% Luke: I guess...
    • Player: Mostly Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: More Luke Than Wood?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Lukey Lukey Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Deck Hand Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: I'm a bosun.
    • Player: R Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: G Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: B Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Y Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: I'm not a fighting game character!
    • Player: Fluke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Lukey Loo?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Woody?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: Argento?
    • 66...% Luke: That name's already taken.
    • Player: Luke Crybalker?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Highwalker?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Eyegawker?
    • 66...% Luke: Are there many more like this?
    • Player: Luke Lieporker?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Trywalker?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Wrytalker?
    • 66...% Luke: Urgh, the first three were better.
    • Player: Tree Person?
    • 66...% Luke: How very creative of you.
    • Player: Frank?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Samantha?
    • 66...% Luke: What? Why Samantha?
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: Woodguy Threepbrush
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Treebeard?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Groot?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Major Oak?
    • 66...% Luke: That's a military rank.
    • Player: The Old Man?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Whomping Willow?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Mokujin?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Grandmother Willow?
    • 66...% Luke: I don't even have kids.
    • Player: Half Bark, No Bite?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Beechlanding?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: Lukey Lumber?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Willow?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Xander?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Giles?
    • 66...% Luke: There's already a Bosun Giles.
    • Player: Oi Yew?
    • 66...% Luke: Who me?
    • Player: Yes Yew?
    • 66...% Luke: What?
    • Player: Yew over there?
    • 66...% Luke: Where?
    • Player: It's behind Yew?
    • 66...% Luke: Oh, no it isn't!
    • Player: The Pa-tree-archy?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: The Tree-umphant?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: Luke-alyptus?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: The Sen-tree?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: The Gatekeeper?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: The Treemaster?
    • 66...% Luke: Oh, we've got a dead one, here? Cute.
    • Player: The pirate formerly known as Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: I'm still known as Luke!
    • Player: TPFKAL?
    • 66...% Luke: Tapfkal?
    • Player: [Icon]?
    • 66...% Luke: As in witchwood icon?
    • Player: Shiver Me Timmmmmmbbbeerrrrrrrrrrs?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: T.R.E.E?
    • 66...% Luke: What would that stand for?
    • Player: Mod Oak?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: Mod Beech?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Mod Ash?
    • 66...% Luke: I don't want to be banned for impersonating a tree.
    • Player: Aspen?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Hawthorn?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Salix?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Sylvan?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Marlow?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Linden?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Forrest Chump?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Reanimated Copse?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: The Lonely Tree?
    • 66...% Luke: Now I'm sad...
    • Player: Ishmael?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: The Anti-Timbo?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Jungle Jim?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Woods Rogers ?
    • 66...% Luke: Isn't it Woodes?
    • Player: William Beech?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Jiminy Thicket?
    • 66...% Luke: I'm a half-real live boy!
    • Player: Sir Francis Brake?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Black Stone Bart?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Henry Morgan?
    • 66...% Luke: Neither of those first names is 'Luke'.
      • (Same as below)
    • Player: Justin Timberland?
    • 66...% Luke: (Yeah!) But no.
    • Player: Weald-iam Kidd?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Ca-Luke-co Jack?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Long Fen?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Woody Bones?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Anne Bonsai?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke McKraken?
    • 66...% Luke: Do you see any alien mindbenders?
    • Player: Horrorbane?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: The Luke-rax?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Grover?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
      • Keep going?
        • Yes.
        • No.
          • 66...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
    • Player: Luke?
    • 66...% Luke: No.
    • (From here it loops back to 'Mostly Luke?')
Baron von Hattenkrapper[edit | edit source]

Investigating the perch rock next to the pool of stagnant water:

  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! (Incoming!)
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper lands on the rock.
  • Player: Hey, Baron, fancy meeting you here!
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Well met, Player. This is no mere coincidence. I have been keeping a close eye on your exploits ever since Bloodsplatter Isle.)
  • Player: You have? Well, thanks for not decorating my armour, I guess...if you get my meaning.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Of course I get your meaning. You aren't as subtle as you imagine.) Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Including how you conspired with my greatest enemy, Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.)
  • Player: An arrangement of convenience, nothing more. You know you're my go to gull for blowing stuff up.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Don't try to talk your way out of this...unless, is there something you want blowing up right now?)
  • Player: As a matter of fact, there is. See that dungeon over there? Fancy blowing the doors off? There's some crabs in it for you.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (Sweet, delicious crabs, you say?)
  • Player: Big, juicy, 'rum'-filled crabs at that.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (I'm in!) Squawk, squawk! (I will, however, need some explosives!)
  • If you don't have the barrels of 'rum' with you:
    • Player: Cannonballs, coming right up!
    • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (No...this job will require a little more finesse.) Squawk, squawk!) The attack vector needs to be horizontal. Bombs from above will not suffice.) Squawk, squawk! (Find me wooden barrels filled with explosive materials. I shall skim them off the water to maximize their impact.)
  • If you have the barrels of 'rum' with you:
    • Player: Will these 'rum' barrels work?
    • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! (Perfect!)
    • You hand the 'rum'-filled barrels to the Baron.
    • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! (I am locked and loaded, and ready to go - just give the word!)
    • If you didn't soak the pirates in 'rum' yet:
      • Player: There's something I need to take care of in the distillery first. I'll be back soon.
    • If you already soaked the pirates in 'rum':
      • Player: We're set!
      • Unleash the Baron?
        • Unleash!
          • Screen fades out and in, you're now controlling the Baron trying to bomb the dungeon doors open
            • When you miss the doors:
              • Player: Not close enough.
            • When you hit the doors:
              • Player: That's a hit!
                • After the third hit the screen fades out
        • Not yet.
          • (Dialogue ends)
Unleashing the crabs[edit | edit source]
  • Screen fades in
  • 66...% Luke: Bad crab, bad! Stay back!
  • Kitten-intermission
  • Don't worry, everyone. Luke will be okay. Just enjoy the cute kittens frolicking for a moment.
  • Screen fades in, Luke is gone
  • Screen fades out and in
  • Captain Donnie: Avast, ye scurvy devils! Avast!
  • Kitten-intermission
  • I mean, you have to remember these pirates are already dead. They probably don't feel pain. Probably.
  • Screen fades in, Donnie is gone
  • Screen fades out and in
  • Barrelchest Mk I: Challenge: Argh. No. Please don't hurt me.
  • Kitten-intermission
  • And even if they do, it's not like they're nice pirates. They are trying to zombify the world.
  • Screen fades in, the barrelchest is gone
  • Screen fades out and in
  • Bosun Giles: Crabs! No, my only weakness!
  • Kitten-intermission
  • Who are you kidding, really? You're a monster and you know it.
  • Screen fades in, Giles is gone
  • Screen fades out and in
  • Mechanical Murphy: This is the end!
  • Mi-Gor: I'll get you next time, Braindeath!
  • Kitten-intermission
  • If you think a scene of playful kittens will spare you from MY horror, you are mistaken. Do you really think you can save them, Player?
  • Screen fades in, Murphy is gone and Mi-Gor reduced to a talking head
  • Screen fades out and in, you are now standing in Braindeaths office
  • Mi-Gor: You think, you've won, don't you! This is just a small setback.
  • Player: You look pretty defeated to me. There's no BODY to your argument!
  • Mi-Gor: Make your terrible puns, it won't help you. We have all the 'rum' we need to start the ascendance of mankind. Enough 'rum' for the serum to infect THOUSANDS of people! Elevating them from their pathetic, mortal froms and towards something greater. Free from the shackles of death and the limitation of the human form. We can be so many different shapes, so many different permutations. Why fight that? Why stand against us? We offer a new future a BETTER future, where death can never touch anyone again.
  • Player: You're a zombie for Pirate Pete's sake. You're already dead...and you're decomposing, smell funny and your arm's fallen off. Why would anyone want that?
  • Mi-Gor: Makes it much easier to scratch the hard to reach spots on your back...
  • Player: I'll pass, thanks. I prefer not to fall apart in a strong breeze.
  • Mi-Gor: As if your opinion means anything! You're too late, Rabid Jack already has what he needs! Even now, my factories on Kraken Tooth Island are pumping out vast quantities of the serum. Soon we will...
  • Player: Kraken Tooth Island again. Gotcha.
  • Mi-Gor: Oh, heck. I meant, er...Bloodsplatter Isle? Murderfang Reef? Skullsplitter Bay?
  • Player: We set sail...for Kraken Tooth Island! We'll just need to keep an eye out for giant sea monsters this time.
  • Are you sure you're ready?
    • [Set sail...for Kraken Tooth Island.]
    • [Return to Mos Le'Harmless to prepare.]

On the way to Kraken Tooth Island, again[edit | edit source]

  • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: I still can't see any island anywhere. Just vast emptiness everywhere.
  • Brass Hand Harry: Are we sure that zombie head wasn't just lying to us?
  • Player: Pretty certain. He seemed really frightened to reveal the information, genuinely afraid for his life. Unlife?
  • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: But there's nothing here. Nothing at all.
  • Brass Hand Harry: Unless...I mean...they're all these weird undead sea devils, right? What if the island isn' know...above sea level?
  • Ship is getting fired upon
  • Bill Teach: NO!
  • Player: What was that noise?
  • Bill Teach: Some good friends, heading to Davey Jones's locker.
  • Ship is getting again fired upon
  • Player: What's going on?
  • Bill Teach: It's Rabid Jack! His fleet just appeared out of nowhere, like it was the mist...and there was something in the water...
  • Player: Another one of those squid things?
  • Bill Teach: No...something else. Something huge, like hands of black many hands... HE'S AIMING AT US! BRACE FOR IMPACT!
  • Ship is getting pounded by cannonfire
  • Screen fades out and in, the ship is now a burning wreck
  • Player: Where is everyone? Why is everything on fire? I need to get off this ship somehow!

Attempting to dive without the diving gear:

  • Player: I can't do that yet, I'll drown.

Attempting to dive with the diving gear:

  • Player: Okay, here goes nothing...

Ulthven Kreath[edit | edit source]

Kitten near cannon at start:

  • Player: Are you real?
  • Kitten: Are you?

Kitten before Jump from Edge:

  • Player: How are you breathing underwater?
  • Kitten: Have you considered that we're not - that we don't need to?
  • Kitten: All drowned pirates dream of breathing.

Kitten after Jump from Edge:

  • Player: What is going on here? How did I get here?
  • Kitten: Something led you here. Pulled your strings and made you follow.
  • Player: Rabid Jack?
  • Kitten: That is but the name of one of the strings.

Kitten next to Surface Anchor:

  • Player: What is this place?
  • Kitten: This is Ulthven Kreath, or at least a gateway to it.
  • Player: That doesn't really answer my question.
  • Kitten: No, it does not.

Kitten before last underwater island:

  • Player: What's ahead of me here?
  • Kitten: Inevitablity.

Kitten next to a barrel outside the main temple entrance:

  • Player: You're not really a kitten, are you?
  • Kitten: I am not.
  • Kitten: But then, you're not really a human either.
  • Kitten: Neither of these things matter.
  • Kitten: Do you really think you can save them?

Kitten directly outside the Shimmering portal:

  • Kitten: Your life is spinning out of control.
  • Kitten: Do you suffer from motion sickness, vertigo, epilepsy, seizures or other such conditions?
    • Yes.
    • Player: Be gentle.
    • Kitten: Only death is truly gentle.
    • No.
    • Player: Be gentle.
    • Kitten: Only death is truly gentle.
The "last" confrontation with Rabid Jack[edit | edit source]
  • Rabid Jack is talking to Madame Shih who's swimming outside the temple
  • Rabid Jack: Quite remarkable, miss Shih. You really are quite resilient, aren't you. I've never seen a human hold their breath for so long.
  • Madame Shih: Bah are all you western pirates so uncultured? It's a simple charm.
  • Rabid Jack: Oh, charm you have in abundance, my dear, but I think it's something else, don't you? perhaps we're not as different as you like to pretend?
  • Madame Shih: I'm nothing like you!
  • Rabid Jack: Ha ha ha. Of course you are. Like me you feel the call of the sea, but deeper than any pirate before. You don't just yearn to sail the seas. You yearn to tame them, to break them and to rule them. I could help you with that you know. I ask only obedience in return, a small price considering.
  • Madame Shih: I'll never serve you!
  • Rabid Jack: Hahaha. So stong a spirit you have, so very strong. It shall be such a delight to break it.
  • Player: Not if I can help it!
  • Rabid Jack: You! You're like the jellyfish sting that I can't get rid of no matter how much I pi-
  • Player: It's over, Jack! No matter what you throw at me, I'll always come back to stop you!
  • Rabid Jack: Aye, my little starfish, it seems that way, doesn't it? But then, so far, you've always been up against my agents and my brainless lackeys. I apologise for that. Had I known you would make such an interesting foe I would have given you the respect you deserved... And faced ye myself!
  • Player: I'm not afraid of you Jack. It's just you and me here!
  • Rabid Jack: Oh, how I wish that were true. But you don't understand, do you? We're not alone here. you hear? Do you hear it? The song? That terrible, terrible song? Look, Player. Follow the song. Follow it and behold... Witness the terrible truth that we all deny. The darkness isn't empty... It' hungers!
  • You take a glimpse into the portal
  • Player: What the heck was that?
  • Rabid Jack: Just a glimpse! A mere fraction of something ancient, something powerful and wonderful! Enough to fracture at least a small piece of your mind. Just enough to hear the song, to create a wedge in your psyche that we can claw open. You'll be mad long before you can defeat me!
  • Player: You underestimate me. I'll always find a way to beat you!
  • Rabid Jack: Let us put that to the test! It's been a delight talking to you, my dear Player. But now I'm afraid that it's time for you to join the rest of your crew in Davey Jones's locker!
Battlequotes[edit | edit source]

When choking you:

  • Rabid Jack: I will hang you out to dry!

Upon getting his health down to zero:

  • Rabid Jack: FOOL! I am Rabid Jack, I cannot die!

When loosening the chains:

  • Rabid Jack: It's not over yet matey!

Upon getting his health down to zero after the first chain is loose:

  • Rabid Jack: I am immortal, like the sea!

Upon getting his health down to zero after the second chain is loose:

  • Rabid Jack: The stars are not right! You cannot win!

Upon looseing the third chain:

  • You throw Rabid Jack into the portal which is closed by the stucture falling down on it
The aftermath[edit | edit source]
  • Player: Are you okay?
  • Madame Shih: I've seen better days. Rabid Jack...I never expected something so...strange. But he's gone now. You fought well, Player; you'd make an excellent pirate. If you're ever in the Eastern Lands, you'll have to look me up. I'm sure we'll have a good many adventures to discuss. But enough chit chat, let's get out of here.
  • Player: But there are so many questions I have about all this!
    • What is this place?
      • Madame Shih: Somewhere ancient. Somewhere long forgotten and with good reason I shouldn't wonder.
      • (Shows inital options)
    • What were those hands?
      • Madame Shih: I am not sure. I sensed tremendous power, but there was a wrongness to it. Like touching fire and it being cold. Whatever it is, it seemed Jack sealed it away with him. Praise the gods for small mercies.
      • Player: That seems too simple a solution.
      • Madame Shih: Oh, no doubt. I'm sure it's just a temporary fix, something like that won't be so easily kept at bay.
      • (Shows inital options)
    • Is Rabid Jack dead?
      • Madame Shih: Oh, I doubt it. He's gone for now, that much is certain. But I don't even think he can die anymore. No, I'm afraid we likely have not seen the last of him.
      • (Shows inital options)
    • Why all the kittens?
      • Madame Shih: What kittens? What are you talking about?
      • Player: There were kittens everywhere, didn't you see them?
      • Madame Shih: There aren't any kittens, Player. I think you've had too much 'rum'.
      • Player: Or perhaps not enough.
      • (Shows inital options)
    • Let's go!
      • Madame Shih: But enough of that, come on, we need to get moving.
  • Screen fades out

Closure[edit | edit source]

  • Screen fades in, you are back on Mos Le'Harmless

Attempting to row back to Ulthven Kreath before end of quest:

  • Player: I need a higher sailing level before I can just row off into the emptiness of the ocean.
  • Player: Also, there's nowhere I need to row to right now.

In the secret basement[edit | edit source]

  • Player: You're alive! For a moment I thought you were all done for.
  • Bill Teach: We're harder to get rid of than that, Player, you should know that by now.
  • Brass Hand Harry: Yar, we be tough nuts to crack. Though I can't say I want to be in those waters again any time soon. There were definitely things down there. More than fish and far from human. I swear I caught sight of one of them horrors, but swimming.
  • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: There's definitely something down there alright.
  • Madame Shih: I think that's enough scaremongering for now. We're all out of the water and we're on dry land, and being scared of the sea is quite silly for a pirate.
  • Player: You're right. But it's done now, right? Mos Le'Harmless is safe?
  • Bill Teach: I think so, Player. At least for now. Rabid Jack's forces have been defeated. Mi-Gor has been decapitated. And you sealed up whatever weird breach was under tha Cursed Archipelago. I think we can rest easy for a bit and celebrate with a good drink, or twelve.
  • Madame Shih: Don't get too complacent. Rabid Jack may be gone, but he's not dead. It will take time, but I doubt we've really seen the last of him.
  • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Oh, lighten up. There's always the potential of doom and gloom, but right now let's enjoy ourselves.
  • Madame Shih: Fiiiine. Well, let's give the credit where it's due. Three cheers for Player, the saltiest of all seadogs! Hip, hip!
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Madame Shih: Hip, hip!
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Madame Shih: Hip, hip!
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Congratulations, quest complete!

Post-Quest dialogue[edit | edit source]

Captain Braindeath[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Braindeath: Well I don't want to be doing any of that again. Being held hostage by an undead mad scientist isn't exactly fun. Ha ha. The look on his face as those crabs tore him apart. Hilarious! I'm going to look into that black stone effect on the 'rum', maybe a change of recipe will fix that. Don't want people turning into monsters after all.
  • Player: What've you done with Mi-Gor?
  • Captain Braindeath: He's being acclimatised to his headless state by our good friend the zombie head. I hear they're getting on quite well.

Brass Hand Harry[edit | edit source]

  • Brass Hand Harry: I'm glad all that's over. Can't be letting Rabid Jack turn all me mates into monsters now.
  • Select an option
    • Where did you go when the ship sank?
      • Brass Hand Harry: No, no no. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about the things down there...
      • (Shows the initial options.)
    • Do you think Rabid Jack is gone?
      • Brass Hand Harry: I dunno. I'd like to say yes, but he's like one of those old ghost stories. I hate ghost stories.
      • (Shows the initial options.)
    • See you around, Harry.
      • (Dialogue ends.)

Bill Teach[edit | edit source]

  • Bill Teach: Now that Rabid Jack and his minions are dealt with, we can all sit back and relax a bit.
  • Player: HAHAHAHA Relax! What's that?
  • Bill Teach: I think you've earned yourself the right to kick back, have a drink and just be still for a bit.
    • I might give that a go[sic]
      • Bill Teach: Aye, you've earned it.
        • Where did you go when the ship sank?
          • Bill Teach: I went down beneath the waves. There were things down there, horrible things swimming in the waters. It makes me shiver just to think about them.
          • (Shows previous options)
        • What was Rabid Jack up to?
          • Bill Teach: It seems that by mixing the 'rum' with that strange black stone, MI-Gor could transform people into monsters. Monsters under Rabid Jack's control. By taking over the distillery he was going to ship vast quantities of this serum all across the world. Anyone who drank the 'rum', and there be a lot of sailors who won't look at what they're drinking, would become a monster. We'd get complete chaos as his army would just appear in every major port across the world. If we hadn't stopped him when we did, I'm not sure we would have been able to fight against that.
          • (Shows previous options)
        • Where's Madame Shih?
          • Bill Teach: She took off really as soon as this was all dealt with. Said she had business off in the Eastern Lands. Something odd about the way she carried herself, like she was distant somehow, distracted. Weird thing is, I saw her loading a chest onto her ship before she sailed off. Weird old thing it was. Covered in barnacles and seaweed, as though it had been on the ocean floor for years. Oh well, probably not important.
          • (Shows previous options)
        • See you around, Bill.
          • (Ends dialogue)
    • Sounds like XP waste[sic]
      • Bill Teach: Time spent enjoying yourself is never time wasted.
        • (Same as above)

Cap'n Izzy No-Beard[edit | edit source]

  • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: It's done! It's over with! Rabid Jack will threaten us no more! Thanks, Player. We couldn't have done it without you.

Davey[edit | edit source]

  • Davey: Phew! I'm glad all that's over with. Zombies everywhere, great monsters murdering my friends. Horrible stuff.
  • Player: Yet you're still here, in pretty much the same spot?
  • Davey: I'm not really a fan of change.

Redbeard Frank[edit | edit source]

  • Redbeard Frank: Arrr ye really left me out of all of that? Did ye not be thinking I would have liked to take me knife to Rabid Jack's throat?
  • Choose an option:
    • Sorry, I forgot.
      • Redbeard Frank: Aye I be forgotten about a lot these days.
    • We already had enough people
      • Redbeard Frank: Bah, first rule of be'in a pirate, always bring more than ye need.
    • It wasn't my fault!
      • Redbeard Frank: Aye, but ye didn't say anything about it did ye?
      • Player: I mean I literally had no choice.
      • Redbeard Frank: Bah!
    • (If the player has unlocked the Ravensworn title)
    • Blame Raven
      • Redbeard Frank: What do ye think I am? An idiot? If I blame him he'll put me on his list!
      • Player: Oh gods!
      • Redbeard Frank: I'm too ginger to die!
  • Redbeard Frank: Arrr but there be no point in holding a grudge o'er this. Was it at least a glorious battle?
  • Player: It was very strange, there was 'rum' involved and kittens all over the place.
  • Redbeard Frank: Kittens?
  • Player: Yeah I'm not sure I get it either.
  • Redbeard Frank: Strange tales indeed. Go on, be off with ya. I've got pirating to be doing.
  • Player: See you around cap'n.