Transcript of Pieces of Hate

This page contains dialogue related to Pieces of Hate. The content below is copied verbatim from RuneScape and thus copyrighted by Jagex.

Due to (an) update(s), this article may be out of date. Reason: updated dialogue with Kenel, Philop and Gertrude after sawmill removal You can help improve this page by editing it.

This transcript involves dialogue with Postie Pete, Pirate, Customs sergeant, Bill Teach, Two-Eyed Eric, Jimmy the Parrot, Madame Shih, Count Ludwig Koppenploppen, Wilson, Kitten (Pieces of Hate), Mi-Gor, Rabid Jack, Brass Hand Harry, Cap'n Izzy No-Beard, Zombie pirate head, Gertrude, Captain Donnie, 50% Luke, Davey, Captain Braindeath, Mechanical Murphy, Bosun Giles, Baron von Hattenkrapper, and the player.

Getting started

Interacting with a player-owned house portal

• Postie Pete: Hey there! Player!
• Postie Pete: Got a letter for you, boss.
• Postie Pete hands you a letter from Bill Teach. The letter is postmarked from a few days ago, with instructions to deliver today.
• Player: Thanks, Pete, see you later.
• Postie Pete: Not if I see you first!

Talking to pirate replacing Bill Teach on The Adventurous

In Port Phasmatys

• Pirate: Yarr, Bill Teach not be here matey. Want to sail to Mos Le'Harmless?
• Select an option
  • Yes
    • The ship sails to Mos Le'Harmless.
  • No
    • Player: Not right now.

On Mos Le'Harmless

• Pirate: Yarr Bill Teach not be here, do you want to be sailing to Port Phasmatys?
• Select an option
  • Yes
    • The ship sails to Port Phasmatys.
  • No
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Pirate replacing Bill Teach in The Green Ghost

When talked to

• Pirate: Arrr, all these ghosts doesn't exactly put me in high spirits.

When using an item

• Pirate: I don't be wanting that matey.

Pirate replacing Bill Teach in The Other Inn

When talked to

• Pirate: Yarr, what be a pirate's favourite letter?
• Player: Aaarrrrrr!
• Pirate: Nay, ye scallywag. A pirate's first love be the C!

When using Armadyl's feather

• Pirate: What you be giving me that fer?
• Player: I dunno, I thought you might be an...'Aaaarrrmadeeelean'.
• Pirate: Get away from me, ye weirdo.

Escaping Rock Island Prison again

Talking to Customs Sergeant

Before getting imprisoned

• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Talk about Pieces of Hate.
    • How are things?
      • Player: So, how are things?
      • Customs Sergeant: What things?
      • Player: I mean, how are you? Everything good? How are the wife and kids?
      • Customs Sergeant: They are adequate.
      • Player: That's...yeah, I have no idea what that's even supposed to mean.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • Still catching pirates?
      • Player: Still catching pirates?
      • Customs Sergeant: Yes. Criminals will be incarcerated to facilitate their assimilation.
      • Player: You mean their rehabilitation, right?
      • Customs Sergeant: Yes, they will be...rehabilitated.
      • Player: Why are you saying that in such a creepy monotone?
      • Customs Sergeant: Yes.
      • Player: That's...that's not even an answer. So, moving on...
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • You look a little pale...
      • Player: You look a little pale, are you coming down with something?
      • Customs Sergeant: I'm fine. Perhaps it's the cold.
      • Player: But it's warm and sunny outside.
      • Customs Sergeant: How can you tell?
      • Player: Touché.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • I would like to confess!
      • Player: I would like to confess!
      • Customs Sergeant: To what crime?
      • SELECT AN OPTION
        • I am a pirate!
          • Customs Sergeant: I knew you had a funny look to you. Right then, you're going away for a long time.
          • (Continues below.)
        • I am a murderer!
          • Customs Sergeant: I see. Very well, you're coming with me. I'll make sure you can never hurt anyone ever again.
          • (Continues below.)
        • I am a thief!
          • Customs Sergeant: That's right, you stole my heart!
          • Player: What?
          • Customs Sergeant: What?
          • Player: Yeah...no...sorry, I don't think of you like that.
          • Customs Sergeant: THEN IT'S PRISON FOR YOU!
          • Player: ...
          • (Continues below.)
        • I am an arsonist!
          • Customs Sergeant: I did think you were hot.
          • Player: Err...well...this is awkward now...
          • Customs Sergeant: PRISON!
          • (Continues below.)
        • [More.]
          • SELECT AN OPTION
            • I spacebar through quests.
              • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
              • (Continues below.)
            • I tried to equip goblin mail.
              • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
              • (Continues below.)
            • I sold my cat for death runes.
              • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
              • (Continues below.)
            • I don't visit my kingdom.
              • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
              • (Continues below.)
            • [More.]
              • I play minigames for fun.
                • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
                • (Continues below.)
              • I forgot my brass key.
                • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
                • (Continues below.)
              • I once alched my party hat.
                • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
                • (Continues below.)
              • I leeched bosses for comp.
                • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                • (Continues below.)
              • [More.]
                • SELECT AN OPTION
                  • I lured a player for all their stuff.
                    • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                    • (Continues below.)
                  • I always mine the Seren Stones someone's mining.
                    • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                    • (Continues below.)
                  • I filled the party room chest with junk.
                    • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                    • (Continues below.)
                  • I told Meg to shut up.
                    • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                    • (Continues below.)
                  • [More.]
                    • SELECT AN OPTION
                      • I asphyxiate north pool Yakamaru.
                        • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
                        • (Continues below.)
                      • I never cap at the citadel.
                        • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                        • (Continues below.)
                      • I set up cannons at chinchompas.
                        • Customs Sergeant: You monster!
                        • (Continues below.)
                      • I bought all the beads for Imp Catcher.
                        • Customs Sergeant: What's wrong with you?
                        • (Continues below.)
                      • [More.]
                        • (Shows the initial options.)
      • (With items:)
        • (In dialogue interface:)
          • You cannot take any equipment with you to Rock Island Prison
          • (Continues below.)
        • You cannot take any equipment with you to Rock Island Prison
      • (Without items:)
        • Customs Sergeant: You're going to Rock Island Prison, where no one has ever escaped!
        • Player: Really? No one? Ever? No one who looks eerily familiar?
        • Customs Sergeant: Not a single soul.
        • Customs Sergeant: You'll be going to Rock Island Prison for a very, very long time.
        • (If you have the letter from Bill Teach with you:)
          • You quickly destroy the letter so the guard can't find it if he searches you. Just in case.
          • (Continues below.)
      • Screen fades out and you are taken to Rock Island Prison.
  • Ask about something else.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)

After getting imprisoned

• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Talk about Pieces of Hate.
    • (Same as above.)
  • Ask about something else.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Ground floor of the prison

Shouting through the door

• Player: Hey! You! Let me out!
• The guard ignores you completely.
• Player: I was so sure that would work.

Opening the door

• The door swings open and sweet, sweet freedom greet your efforts. Oh wait. No. The other thing.

Diving from the pier

• YOU HAVE NOT INVESTIGATED THE ISLAND.
  • Escape anyway.
    • The player dives into the water and appears on Karamja with their run energy drained.
    • You make it back from the prison by swimming through the channel, although the effort leaves you breathless.
  • Stay.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Investigating the fishing spot

• Player: That's a lot of angry looking crabs. Those pincers look frighteningly sharp. I wonder if I can make any sort of convoluted use of that...

Talking to Two-Eyed Eric

• (Only on first time or if talked to Jimmy the Parrot last:)
  • Two-Eyed Eric: Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
  • Player: Pssst.
  • Two-Eyed Eric: AAAAAArgh! WHO SAID THAT?
  • Player: SHHHH! Over here!
  • (Continues below.)
• (Only if not lost the hook at the fishing spot:)
  • Two-Eyed Eric: Oh. Hello?
  • (Continues below.)
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Who are you?
    • Two-Eyed Eric: Yarr, me name be Two-Eyed Eric. I be a...erm...legitimate businessman.
    • Player: By which you mean pirate.
    • Two-Eyed Eric: What? I never, how dare ye. How dare ye! I be a legitimate trade-arr.
    • Player: You're fooling no one. You have the stereotype 'arr' compulsion and everything.
    • Two-Eyed Eric: Arr, I not be a stereotype. I be a special unique butterfly, me mother told me so.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • What's going on here?
    • Two-Eyed Eric: Yarr, it be a terrible tale. We was sailing out across the great blue sea, when all of a sudden the sea herself rose up to take us. 'Twas as if a great beast had risen from the depths and scuttled me ship. All went black. When finally, we came to, we found ourselves locked behind these bars, doomed to walk on solid land, rather than the calming rocking of the mother sea. Oh, but that not even be the worst of it. There were four of us in this cell. Four. But one by one the guards came and took 'em away. All we heard were screams, then silence. There be something terribly wrong with those guards. Terribly wrong. Their eyes be glazed over and I ain't never seen one blink. It's as if they don't know that blinking be a thing ye do.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Can you give me a hand?
    • (Without Eric's hook:)
      • Two-Eyed Eric: Aye, as luck would have it, I just so happen to have a spare hidden about me person.
      • Player: Where?
      • Two-Eyed Eric: Yarr, ye not be wanting to know, laddie.
      • Two-Eyed Eric hands you over a spare hook.
      • Player receives Eric's hook.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • (With Eric's hook:)
      • Two-Eyed Eric: Arr, but ye already have me hand.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Goodbye.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Talking to Jimmy the Parrot

• Player: Hello?
• Jimmy the Parrot: Hello?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • (Only if not asked last:)
    • Who are you?
      • Jimmy the Parrot: Who are you?
      • Player: I asked you that...
      • Jimmy the Parrot: I asked you that...
      • (Shows the previous options.)
  • (Only if not asked last:)
    • Do you know what's going on?
      • Jimmy the Parrot: Do you know what's going on?
      • Player: No, that's why I asked you.
      • Jimmy the Parrot: No, that's why I asked you.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
  • (Only if not asked last:)
    • Do you know how to escape?
      • Jimmy the Parrot: Do you know how to escape?
      • Player: Are you just copying me?
      • Jimmy the Parrot: Are you just copying me?
      • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Talk later.
    • Jimmy the Parrot: Talk later.

Talking to Bill Teach

First time

• Player: Psssst, Bill! Over here.
• Bill Teach: Player, is that you?
• Player: I got your letter. I take it your investigations didn't go well?
• Bill Teach: Not exactly. I mean I found out that there's definitely something up with the Customs Office. Unfortunately, the Customs Office found me just as I found out.
• Player: What's going on?
• Bill Teach: Something strange. The customs officers are rounding up pirates and then dragging them upstairs, after which we never see them again. We do hear the screams, though...
• Player: Any idea how we get out of here?
• Bill Teach: Not off the top of my head. Look around, see if you can find a way to get out of your cell. Maybe ask those guys in the other cell?
• Player: On it! Hold tight, I won't be long.

Afterwards before opening the cell door

• Player: What am I doing?
• Bill Teach: Look around for a way to pick the lock on your cell door.

Shouting through the western barred window

• SHOUT WHO OVER?
  • Two-Eyed Eric.
    • (Same as above.)
  • Jimmy the Parrot.
    • (Same as above.)

Shouting through the eastern barred window

• (Same as above.)

Talking to Madame Shih

• Madame Shih: You there! Release me at once. Don't you know who I am?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • (Only on first time during the talking:)
    • No idea, sorry.
      • Madame Shih: Hrmm, normally my reputation precedes me. I am Madame Shih, scourge of the Eastern Lands. Commander of the greatest fleet in the east. And if you do not release me RIGHT NOW, my revenge shall level this entire region!
      • (Shows the previous options.)
  • I really don't care.
    • Madame Shih: Oh, but you will. When I am free, and I will get free, I will bring my fleet to this region. I will start with the fishing towns, where your defenceless peasants live and I will rain such fire down upon them. Once they are nought but ash, I shall turn on your harbours and your ports. I will cut you off from the rest of the world, so you can never find aid. Finally, I will let your fleets face me directly and I will laugh as I sink them one, by one. And then, when there is only you left, I will allow you to kill yourself and you will thank me for my boundless mercy.
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • (Only if not asked last:)
        • That's a bit much isn't it?
          • Madame Shih: I've never been one for subtlety. You cross me, you pay for it...dearly.
          • (Shows the previous options.)
      • Who are you?
        • (Same as above.)
      • I didn't imprison you.
        • (Same as below.)
      • I don't have time to talk.
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • I didn't imprison you.
    • Madame Shih: No. I suppose not. You certainly don't look like much. I doubt you would have the wits to catch a cold, let alone hardened pirates.
    • Player: Well, hey. Look who's going to rot in their cell for the rest of time.
    • Madame Shih: Ha, I like you. You're right, of course, I was rude and it was uncalled for. Please accept my sincere apologies.
    • Player: Don't suppose you know what's going on?
    • Madame Shih: There's a dark presence here. Something foul has infected this place and the guards who work here. I don't like the Customs Office at the best of times, but something very strange is going on here. Sadly, I see no immediately obvious way out of here just yet.
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • Who are you?
        • (Same as above.)
      • I don't have time to talk.
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • I don't have time to talk.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Jiggling the pipes

• You hear a hollow, distant tapping. What remains of the pipe will not shake loose.

Using items with your cell door

Eric's hook

• The hook is too blunt to fit in the lock. If only you could find a way to sharpen it.

Piece of cloth

• Squeaky sound plays.
• You polish the bars to a lustrous shine. Now you can stare at your reflection in them. You know...as you waste away into nothingness.

Eric's hook attached to cloth

• Player: Curses! Arbitrarily squishing random objects against this door has failed to grant me freedom!

Eric's hook (sharpened)

• Prison guard: I can see you trying to pick the lock, you know?
• Player: No, you can't.
• Prison guard: I'm right here!
• Player: Urgh, FINE! I mean, you do realise there's a massive hole behind me, so escaping is trivial, right?
• Prison guard: What?
• Player: What? Dee-de-dee, nothing to see here.

Fish

• Player has fish removed from them.
• You throw the fish through the bars with gleeful abandon, only for it to land on the other side and to be promptly stolen and eaten by a rat.
• Player: Hrmm, this gives me an idea, but I need a creature other than a rat to distract these guards.

Using items with the perch rock

Eric's hook

• This hook is too blunt to carve anything into the rock and the rock is too smooth to sharpen the hook upon. All in all, this isn't helpful.

Piece of cloth

• Unsurprisingly, nothing interesting happens.

Eric's hook attached to cloth

• You dangle the hook over the rock. It hangs there, motionless, silent.
• Screen fades out.
• A tedious length of time passes.
• Screen fades in.
• Player: This is accomplishing nothing. I'm not sure why I thought it would.

Eric's hook (sharpened)

• You carve some crude graffiti into the rock about pirates and their booty. It momentarily amuses you, but otherwise achieves nothing.

Fish

• Seagull: Squawk squaw squawk. (My, what a delicious-looking fish. Are you eating that?)
• Player: Baron von Hattenkrapper?
• Seagull: Squawk! SQUAWK! Squaw. (How dare you! Do you think all seagulls look alike? You birdist.) Squaw squawk squawk. (I am Count Ludwig Koppenploppen! Scourge of the seven skies and befouler of masonry.)
• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: Squawk SQUAW! Squawk! (That you could mistake my beautiful countenance for that lowlife crab-botherer offends me to my core.) Squaaaaaaaawk. (You have made a powerful enemy this day. Now give me that fish, or FACE MY FURY!)

Using items with the fishing spot

Eric's hook

• Player has Eric's hook removed from them.
• Player: Ow! The little blighters nipped my fingers and I've dropped the hook. I wonder if Eric has any spares.

Eric's hook attached to cloth

• The crabs violently sharpen the hook to a terrifyingly fine point. You also find a fish that has swum onto the hook for reasons known only to the fish.
• Player has Eric's hook attached to cloth removed from them.
• Player receives Eric's hook (sharpened) and a fish.
• (Only before the guards have fled:)
  • Screen fades out.
  • You hear guards shouting back at the prison, followed by the ominous screams of some of the other prisoners.
  • Screen fades in.

Eric's hook (sharpened)

• Player: Sharpening it further might tear open a hole in the fabric of the universe. Probably best not.

Fish

• Player has Eric's hook (sharpened) and fish removed from them.
• Player: I offer this sacrifice to thee, oh mighty crab overlords.
• The crabs are utterly ambivalent about your offering.
• Player: Well, that was fruitless. Oh no! I dropped the hook in with the fish. I regret all my decisions.

Any other item

• Player: I dread to think what these crabs would do with such an offering.

Using items with your bed

Eric's hook

Without piece of cloth

• You use the hook to tear off a piece of cloth. Weirdly, the bed doesn't look much worse than before.
• Player receives a piece of cloth.

With piece of cloth

• You already have one piece of cloth, there's no need to be greedy.

Piece of cloth

• You show the bed its terrible fate should it speak up against you. You've torn off one piece, there are so many more you could tear. Wisely, the bed remains silent.

Eric's hook (sharpened)

With fish

• Careful now, you could blunt the hook on the terrible tog rating.

Without fish

• Player has Eric's hook (sharpened) removed from them.
• Player receives piece of cloth and Eric's hook.
• You cut off a strip of cloth, but it unfortunately blunts the hook in the process.

Fish

• I think it's a bit late for that fish to have a nap now.

Any other item

• The object has a nice little nap, but nothing interesting seems to happen.

Using Eric's hook and piece of cloth with each other

• You wrap the cloth around the hook. Now you have a hook dangling from some cloth.
• Player has Eric's hook and piece of cloth removed from them.
• Player receives Eric's hook attached to cloth.

Using items with the perch rock with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen

Eric's hook

• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: Squaw? (What on Gielinor do you want me to do with that?)
• Player: Erm...something useful?
• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: Squawk. (Go away. Weirdo.)

Eric's hook attached to cloth

• You dangle the shiny hook in front of the seagull and attempt to hypnotise it.
• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: Squawk. Squaw. (Silly human, seagulls are immune to mesmerism.)

Eric's hook (sharpened)

• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: Squawk! Squaw SQUAW! (You dare threaten me with the sharpened appendage of a seafaring human?) Squawk. (I am not so easily intimidated. I will not flinch in the face of your pathetic attempts to frighten me.)

Fish

• Player has fish removed from them.
• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: Squaw. (This morsel will abate my fury...for now.)
• Player: Hrmm. I could probably get more mileage out of that fish if I didn't just throw it down a gull's throat.

Using the fish with your cell door with Count Ludwig Koppenploppen ready to release his fury

• Count Ludwig Koppenploppen: SQUAAAAWK! *That fish, IT SHALL BE MINE!*
• Prison guard: I hate birds! They're horrible!
• Prison guard: Argh! Get the bird!
• Prison guard: I'm on it!
• The guards run outside the prison.

Using any item with the perch rock after the guards have fled

• Player: Without the seagull, this is just a rock. I probably can't get much more use out it. Best let it be.

Shouting through the door after scaring the guards off

• (One of the following is seen, then continues below:)
  • Player: Chinchompa blood can't melt steel beams!
  • Player: I'm lonely and confused and like shouting for no reason!
  • Player: If Gielinor isn't flat,how come water doesn't roll away?
  • Player: The Great Brain Robbery was an inside job!
  • Player: There was a second stabber at Zamorak's ascension!
• Player: That achieved nothing, but I did enjoy it.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) with your cell door unguarded

• The door swings open.
• Player: Ah, sweet freedom.

Talking to Bill Teach

• Player: What now?
• Bill Teach: You have to get your cell door open and find a way to keep the guards outside!

Attempting to open other cell doors

• Player: I should probably deal with the guards before I try to pick any more locks.

Investigating the crates

Without a small crate

• Player receives a small crate.
• You find a small crate hidden among the larger crates.

With a small crate

• Player: I have all the crate I could ever need right now.

Searching the locker

Without the full uniform

• Player receives missing pieces of the following: a customs shirt, customs trousers and a customs hat.
• You find a spare customs guard uniform. It smells unpleasantly fishy.

With the full uniform

• Player: There's nothing more in here except...urgh...why are there barnacles growing on the inside of this thing?

Searching the desk

With no items from the desk

• Player receives a wooden spoon, a cheese sandwich, and a pineapple.
• The desk contains no keys, but does contain a wooden spoon, a cheese sandwich and, inexplicably, a pineapple.

With some but not all items from the desk

• WHAT WILL YOU TAKE?
  • (Only with the spoon missing:)
    • The spoon.
      • Player receives a wooden spoon.
      • (With more items missing:)
        • (Shows the previous options.)
  • (Only with the sandwich missing:)
    • The sandwich.
      • Player receives a cheese sandwich.
      • (With more items missing:)
        • (Shows the previous options.)
  • (Only with the pineapple missing:)
    • The pineapple.
      • Player receives a pineapple.
      • (With more items missing:)
        • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Leave them be.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

With all the items from the desk

• The desk is empty.

Using most of the quest items with each other

• Player: I'm not sure what use that would be right now.

Attempting to open the door leading to the stairs

• Player I should probably free the other pirates before I head upstairs. It's only polite.

Attempting to join the prison guards outside

• The player walks back inside.
• Player: I probably shouldn't risk being captured by the guards.

Pushing a barrel of black stone

First time

• Screen fades out then in. The barrels are now blocking the door.

Afterwards

• Player: Moving these would let the guards back in, which seems counterproductive.

Attempting to open a cell door

• Player How odd, the door to a PRISON cell is locked. Who would have thought this?

Talking to Bill Teach after blocking the guards and before freeing him

• Player: What now?
• Bill Teach: Get me out of here! Pick the lock on my cell!

Using a piece of Customs Officer's uniform with the others' cell doors

• The door politely declines, they're not its style. It prefers more autumn colours, and on weekends a slinky sequined number.

Using Eric's hook or Eric's hook attached to cloth with the others' cell doors

• You clink the hook against the bars; the sound is satisfying but ultimately pointless.

Using the piece of cloth with the others' cell doors

• You polish the bars to be ever so slightly shinier.

Using the fish with the others' cell doors

• The fish hasn't committed sufficient crimes to warrant jail time.

Using the small crate with the others' cell doors

• The crate is too big to fit through the bars.

Using the wooden spoon with the others' cell doors

• You play a delightful tune on the door, but otherwise nothing happens.

Using the cheese sandwich with the others' cell doors

• The prison door isn't hungry.

Using the pineapple with the others' cell doors

• With a whir and a creek, a secret trapdoor opens up in the floor revealing an entire treasure trove of abandoned party hats. Just kidding! Using a pineapple on a door obviously does nothing.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) with a door that is not Bill Teach's

• Player: I should try and set Bill free first.

Using Eric's hook (sharpened) with Bill Teach's cell door

• Player has Eric's hook (sharpened) removed from them.
• The door swings open.
• The lock clicks open, but you accidentally drop the hook only for it to be snatched away by a rat.
• Player: Oh, come on! How am I going to get the doors open now?

Talking to Bill Teach after opening his door but before obtaining Wilson

• Bill Teach: Haha, that rat sure got you!
• Bill Teach: You'll probably want to get your hook back off it, though.

Using an item with Bill Teach's cell door

• You wave the item back and forth between the bars.

Talking to Two-Eyed Eric

• (Only if talked to Jimmy the Parrot last:)
  • Two-Eyed Eric: Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
  • Player: Pssst.
  • Two-Eyed Eric: AAAAAArgh! WHO SAID THAT?
  • Player: SHHHH! Over here!
  • (Continues below.)
• Two-Eyed Eric: Oh. Hello?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Who are you?
    • (As before.)
  • What's going on here?
    • (As before.)
  • Can you give me a hand?
    • Two-Eyed Eric: Yarr, I, er, do have a spare somewhere... But, er, well, it's kinda stuck.
    • Player: Er, right, fine, I'll think of something else.
    • Two-Eyed Eric: I'm sure I can get it soon, just...need...to...jiggle a bit more.
    • Player: Nope. Stop talking. I'm... Nope. Nope, nope.
  • Goodbye.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Using the fish with the small crate

• Player: Big fish, little fish, wooden box... Nope, all this does is give me ideas for a dance move.

Using the fish with the wooden spoon or the cheese sandwich

• Player: Mmmm, a delicious raw fish sandwich...
• Player: Oh, dear. I think I'm gonna throw up. *Hlerg huey blehrgle*.

Using the fish with the unbaited box trap

• Player: Rats don't really like fish, do they?

Using the fish with the rat hole

• Player: Hmm, he doesn't seem interested in fish.

Using a piece of Customs Officer's uniform with the small crate

• Player: While this guard outfit is an unforgivable fashion sin, I don't think boxing it up and throwing it away is helpful right now.
• Player: Though, it is really tempting.

Using a piece of Customs Officer's uniform with the wooden spoon

• Player: Should I stir the outfit? Hide a spoon up a sleeve? Eat the hat? None of this seems like a sensible plan right now.

Using a piece of Customs Officer's uniform with the cheese sandwich

• Player: That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich...

Using a piece of Customs Officer's uniform with the unbaited box trap

• Player: Hrmm, I don't quite think this works as bait.

Using a piece of Customs Officer's uniform with the rat hole

• Player: I've been told off for trying to squeeze random things into tight holes before.

Using the small crate and the wooden spoon with each other

• Player has the small crate and the wooden spoon removed from them.
• Player receives an unbaited box trap.
• You attach the spoon to the crate, creating a rudimentary trap.

Using the small crate with the cheese sandwich

• Player: That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich...

Using the small crate with the rat hole

• Player: Odd, the rat doesn't appear to just want to leap into the box.

Using the wooden spoon with the cheese sandwich

• Player: That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich...

Using the wooden spoon with the rat hole

• Player: I've been told off for trying to squeeze random things into tight holes before.

Using the cheese sandwich with the small crate

• Player: I don't need a packed lunch just yet. But I get the sense that I'm on the right track, just missing a step. Hrmmm.

Using the cheese sandwich with the rat hole

• Player has the cheese sandwich removed from them.
• Player: Ouch! The little blighter stole the sandwich from me. If only I had some way of catching it.

Using the cheese sandwich and the unbaited box trap with each other

• Player has the cheese sandwich and the unbaited box trap removed from them.
• Player receives the baited trap.
• Player: You bait the trap with a delicious cheese sandwich. It's almost irresistible.

Using the pineapple with the small crate

• Player: I cannot for the life of me think what value a pineapple in a box could offer in this situation.

Using the pineapple with the wooden spoon

• Player: While it looks delicious, I think I need to use this pineapple somewhere else.

Using the pineapple with the cheese sandwich

• Player: It's a bit big to add to the sandwich.

Using the pineapple with the unbaited box trap

• Player: Is pineapple really the best bait for a rat trap?

Using the pineapple with the rat hole

• No matter how hard you shove, you can't fit it in the hole.

Using the unbaited box trap with a cell door

• A prison door isn't sufficient bait for anything.

Investigating the rat hole

• It's a rat hole. You can hear the sounds of a rat scurrying in the walls.

Shouting into the rat hole

• Player: OI! YOU IN THE HOLE! GIVE ME THE HOOK BACK!
• The hole remains mockingly silent.
• Player: DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!
• It ignores you.

Meowing into the rat hole

• Player: Meow!
• You're really meowing into a hole?
• Player: Meow?
• What on Gielinor would this achieve?
• Player: Meow...
• Yeah, you should be rethinking your life choices right now.

Sticking your arm in the rat hole

• You stick your hand into the hole. Your fingers close on cobwebs, dust and tiny little squishy pellets that you don't want to think about.
• GO DEEPER?
  • Yes.
    • With effort, you slide your wrist in deeper. You scrape your hands on the sides and something small and many-legged crawls across the back of your hand.
    • GO DEEPER?
      • Yes.
        • You press your arm in all the way up to the elbow. Creeping and crawling things skitter across your skin and by now you are certain you have smeared rat droppings up your arm. You close your fingers on something. Something furry and warm-blooded. But before you can grasp it completely, you feel a sharp pain in your hand and withdraw quickly and instinctively.
      • No.
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • No.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Using the baited trap with a closed cell door

• The door is already stationary, you don't need a box to trap it.

Using the baited trap with the rat hole

• Player has the baited trap removed from them.
• Player receives Wilson.
• Player: AHA! Got you!
• *The rat looks up at you defiantly.*
  Squak! Chitter chitter squeak!
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • [Insult the rat.]
    • Player: You're an ugly little ball of hate, aren't you!
    • *The rat gives you a look that resoundingly agrees with your assessment*
      Squeak.
    • *The rat looks up at you defiantly.*
      Squeak! Chitter chitter squeak!
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • [Calm the rat.]
    • Player: Hey there. Calm down, little buddy. Let's talk through this.
    • *The rat snaps at you.*
      SQUEAK! Chitter chitter chitter.
    • Player: Welp, that didn't work.
      • (Same as above.)
  • [Firmly admonish the rat.]
    • Player: Look, you. I'll be having none of this uppity nonsense. You and I are going to have a nice civil chat. Okay?
    • *The rat thinks about this carefully and then nods its tiny head in agreement.*
      Chitter chitter.
    • *The rat looks at you with patient eyes*
      Squeak?
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • [Tell the rat off.]
        • Player: No, you little...rat! What do you think you're doing stealing from me? Don't you know who I am?
        • *The rat looks at you with an expression that says he neither knows, nor cares.*
          Chitter squeak chitter.
        • (Same as above.)
      • [Tell the rat to attack the guards.]
        • Player: Charge! Go forth my ratty minion and destroy the guards!
        • *The rat looks at you and shakes his tiny head. You are not there yet.*
          Squeak squee squeak.
        • (Same as above.)
      • [Demand the hook back.]
        • Player: Right, give me the hook back, you horrible little rodent!
        • *The rat answers your demand by calmly defecating on your hand and keeping eye contact the whole time*
        • Player: So that would be an no then?
        • (Same as above.)
      • [Inform the rat of your plight.]
        • Player: Look, I'll level with you. We're all trapped on this tiny island with some really weirdly acting guards. People keep being taken away and then are never seen again. And there's something very strange about the guards down here.
        • *The rat seems to nod in solemn agreement. He emphathises with your plight.*
          Chitter chitter squeak chitter.
        • *The rat looks at you with an expectant look*
          Squeak?
        • SELECT AN OPTION
          • [Give the rat a treat.]
            • Player: Here you go, little guy, have a nice little treat.
            • You proffer the rat the various bits and bobs from your pockets.
            • *The rat turns its nose up at your paltry offerings*
              Chitter.
            • (Same as above.)
          • [Introduce yourself properly.]
            • Player: Oh, I'm sorry, how terribly rude of me. My name is Player, it's a pleasure to meet you.
            • *The rat chitters a friendly greeting*
              Chitter squeak chittter squeak!
            • Player: It's a pleasure to meet you, Wilson
            • Player: Though, I'm not sure how I know your name is Wilson.
            • *The rat grins in a way only rats can. It knows something.*
              Meow.
            • Player: Wait, what? What was that?
            • *The rat gives you a confused look*
              Squeak?
            • *The rat stands on hindlegs, ready to help.*
              Squeak chitter squeak?
            • SELECT AN OPTION
              • [Ask for the hook back.]
                • Player: Can I have the hook back now?
                • *The rat shakes its tiny little head.*
                  Sqee chitter squeak
                • (Same as above.)
              • [Ask for the rat to attack the guards.]
                • Player: Now my tiny rat minion. Go forth! DESTROY THE GUARDS!
                • *The rat raises his eyebrow and shakes his head. He thinks you're nuts.*
                  Chitter chitter chitter.
                • (Same as above.)
              • [Ask for a way out.]
                • Player: Quick, Wilson, show me the way out. I need to get out of here!
                • *The rat shakes his tiny little head. He is ashamed of you for abandoning your allies.*
                • Player: I know, I'm sorry, I'm at terrible person.
                • (Same as above.)
              • [Ask for a way to free the others.]
                • Player: Wilson, help me, can you find a way to free my friends?
                • Player receives the guard's keys.
                • Wilson disappears and returns with a clinking set of guard keys.
                • Player: Thanks, buddy, we've got this!
                • *Wilson squeaks triumphantly*
                  SQUEAK!
              • [Leave the rat alone.]
                • (Dialogue ends.)
          • [Send the rat to attack the guards.]
            • (Same as above.)
          • [Pet the rat.]
            • (Same as below.)
          • [Leave the rat alone.]
            • (Dialogue ends.)
      • [Leave the rat alone.]
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • [Pet the rat.]
    • Player: Who's a cute little rattypoo? You are, yes you are...
    • The player suffers a life point of damage.
    • *The rat bites you angrily.*
      Squeak squeak chitter squeak!
    • Player: Okay, not cute. Very much not cute.
    • (Same as above.)
  • [Leave the rat alone.]
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Talking to Wilson

Without the guards' keys

• (Same as above.)

With the guards' keys

• Squeek!

Talking to Bill Teach after obtaining Wilson

• Bill Teach: I get the impression that rat knows more than he's letting on. Maybe you should talk to him a bit?

Using the cheese sandwich with Wilson

• Player has the cheese sandwich removed from them.
• Wilson eats the sandwich.
• Player: I'm not sure what I was expecting there.

Using the pineapple with Wilson

• Player: Why won't this pineapple stick to this rat? What's coming to this world when fruit won't magically adhere to rodents?

Using any other item with Wilson

• Player: Yeah, Wilson doesn't seem to like me prodding him with that.

Using Wilson with the small crate or the wooden spoon

• Player: Nothing happens. Why on Gielinor did I think it would?

Using Wilson with the cheese sandwich

• Player: That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich...

Using Wilson with the unbaited box trap

• Player: Hrmm, I don't quite think this works as bait.

Using Wilson with a closed cell door

• Squeek? Squeak squeek chitter chitter squeeeek?
• Player: I'm sorry, you're right, a life behind bars is no place for a little rat like you.

Searching the crates after obtaining guard's keys

• You have no need for any more little crates.

Investigating the rat hole after catching Wilson

With Wilson

• The hole is empty and silent. If you put your ear to it, you can hear the ocean. Partially because you are right next to the ocean.

Without Wilson

• Squeek!
• Player receives Wilson.
• Player: Hey, buddy, ready to break out of prison?
• Squeek chitter squeek!

Shouting into the rat hole after catching Wilson

• Player: I don't think bellowing into a rat hole is terribly useful.

Meowing into the rat hole with Wilson

• Player: Meow!
• You're really meowing into a hole?
• Player: Meow?
• What on Gielinor would this achieve?
• Player: Meow...
• Yeah, you should be rethinking your life choices right now.
• Wilson shakes his tiny little head in embarrassment at your actions.

Sticking your arm in the rat hole with Wilson

• You stick your hand into the hole. Your fingers close on cobwebs, dust and tiny little squishy pellets that you don't want to think about.
• GO DEEPER?
  • Yes.
    • With effort, you slide your wrist in deeper. You scrape your hands on the sides and something small and many-legged crawls across the back of your hand.
    • GO DEEPER?
      • Yes.
        • You press your arm in all the way up to the elbow. Creeping and crawling things skitter across your skin and by now you are certain you have smeared rat droppings up your arm.
      • No.
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • No.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Using the guard's keys on a closed door

• The screen fades out and back in. The prisoners are outside their cells.
• Player: Okay, good, that's everyone free.
• Two-Eyed Eric: Yarr, so let's get out of here, me mateys.
• Madame Shih: Not yet. No one imprisons Madame Shih and gets away with it. I want to know what's going on here.
• Player: Yeah, me too. Something fishy is going on here and I'm not leaving until I find out what.

Talking to Two-Eyed Eric opening the door to the stairs

• Two-Eyed Eric: I don't like it here, can we go home now?

Talking to Jimmy the Parrot opening the door to the stairs

• (As before.)

Talking to Madame Shih before attempting to open the door to the stairs

• Madame Shih: While normally I would be delighted to have a little chat, I suspect our efforts should be focused on finding out what's going on here.

Talking to Bill Teach before attempting to open the door to the stairs

• Bill Teach: Okay, everyone's free, but we still need to know what's going on. Player, see if you can get upstairs.

Attempting to open the door

• Player: OW! There's some sort of ward on this door, I can't open it.

Talking to Bill Teach after attempting to open the door to the stairs

• Bill Teach: Hrmm, warding magic. I hear that Madame Shih is a bit of an occultist, you should talk to her.

Talking to Madame Shih after attempting to open the door to the stairs

First time

• Player: So, the door is warded in some way.
• Madame Shih: Yes, I sensed the magic as it flared up. A complicated warding spell, voice activated if I'm not mistaken.
• Player: Sensed?
• Madame Shih: Let's just say that I...dabble, in the occult from time to time. I've got a knack for understanding magical wards and enchantments. It comes in very handy when trying to crack into certain vaults. But now is not the time to discuss my colourful past. You want to find some way to replicate the passcode used to get past that ward.

Afterwards

• Madame Shih: You need to find something to reproduce the passcode to open the door.

Talking to Bill Teach after learning about the ward from Madame Shih

• Bill Teach: Hrmm, Madame Shih said the warding on the door was voice activated. If only we knew someone that could mimic voices...

Talking to Jimmy the Parrot after learning about the ward from Madame Shih

• Player: Okay, Jimmy, before you start repeating everything I say, shut up.
• Jimmy the Parrot: ...
• Player: Good lad. Now, I'm going to assume you've heard everything the guards have said. Do you remember the phrase they used before going through the stairwell door?
• Jimmy the Parrot: *Jimmy the Parrot nods*
• Player: Good work! When I check the door, I want you to repeat it, okay?
• Jimmy the Parrot: *Jimmy the Parrot nods*

Talking to Bill Teach after explaining the plan to Jimmy the Parrot

• Bill Teach: Try the door again, Jimmy might know the code.

Talking to Madame Shih after explaining the plan to Jimmy the Parrot

• Madame Shih: You head upstairs and find out what's going on here, I'll make sure the guards don't get back in down here.

Opening the door after explaining the plan to Jimmy the Parrot

• Player: Okay, Jimmy you're up.
• Jimmy the Parrot: What dwells below in deepest dark,
  betwixt the corpse of squid and shark,
  
• Jimmy the Parrot: With flesh of stone and midnight black,
  We cry his name, we cry...
• The door swings open before Jimmy finishes the sentence and he falls silent, shivering, unwilling to say that final name.
• Player: Okay, that was creepy, but at least we're through now.

Talking to Bill Teach after opening the door

• Bill Teach: Get upstairs and see if you can find out what's going on!

Investigating the poster on the wall next to the stairs

• The poster peels away a little and you can see something written on the back.
• (The following is shown in the Scroll interface:)
  • If you're reading this, get out. Get out while you still can. Everyone has...they've changed.
  • They're not themselves anymore. They're acting cold, distant and obsessive.
  • People vanish for a bit and then come back strange. They're obsessed with these barrels of black rock.
  • If you're reading this, I've left my keys under my bed on the first floor.

The first floor of the prison

Getting caught by the crassian guard without wearing the Customs Officer's uniform

• Crassian guard: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
• Player: Nope, nope, nope.
• The player flees back to the ground floor.
• Player: Okay. There's a terrible crab-thing guarding the stairs up. I need a way to sneak past it.

Entering the first floor wearing the Customs Officer's uniform

• The crassian creature acknowledges you, but doesn't attack. It probably won't let you go upstairs, though.

Attempting to enter the second floor

• Crassian guard: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
• Player: Nope, nope, nope.

Trying to open the door to the egg room

• Player: Rats - locked.

Searching the southern lockers

• There's nothing in here but dust and barnacles. Quite how barnacles got on the inside of a locker, you have no idea.

Searching the middle lockers

Without 'rum'

• Player receives 'rum'.
• You find a bottle of 'rum' in the locker.

With 'rum'

• Player: Curses, there's no more 'rum' in here.

Using the 'rum' with items

Wooden spoon

• Player: Nothing happens. Why on Gielinor did I think it would?

Cheese sandwich

• Player: That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich...

Wilson

• Player: I'm not sure there's much point in getting a rodent completely squiffy.

Drinking the 'rum'

First time

• Player: Eeeeeegads, that's some strong stuff. I wonder if there's better uses for it, though.

Second time

• Player: Maybe if I keep drinking it I'll get superpowers. Or liver poisoning.

Third time

• Player: Do I have a problem? I mean, I'm in a prison full of monsters and I'm getting drunk?

After the third time

• Player: No, more, please. I'm begging you, oh invisible puppet master, don't make me drink more of this!
• FORCE PLAYER TO DRINK MORE 'RUM'?
  • Yes - dance, my puppet, dance!
    • Screen fades out.
    • Player: Oi, *hic* whosh putsh that there? Shtop being there. Rude.
    • (Short pause.)
    • Player: Heeey *hic* yoush is really pretty. Give Player a kish.
    • (Short pause.)
    • *SLAP*
    • Player: I deserv*hic*ed that.
    • (Short pause.)
    • Player: Hyuuuurrrrgh.
    • (Short pause.)
    • Player: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    • Screen fades in, and you awaken in your cell.
    • Player: Oh gods, I feel so unwell.
  • No - I am a merciful god.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Using items with the egg room door

Guard's keys

• Player: Dang, doesn't fit the lock.

Any other item

• Player: Dang, doesn't fit. I mean, maybe If I wish really, really hard and keep pushing it at the lock it'll work?

Using any item with the door to the room with the guard in it

• Player: I don't think this would make much of a distraction.

Trying to open the door to the room with the guard in it

• Player: There's a guard in that room. I don't think he'll fall for my disguise at all.

Using items pineapple with the puddle of slime

Pineapple

• Player has pineapple removed from them.
• Player receives pineapple (sticky).
• You stick the pineapple in the gloop. It is now very, very sticky.

Any other item

• Player: I'm not sure I want to get that sticky right now.

Using pineapple (sticky) with items

Wooden spoon

• Player: Nothing happens. Why on Gielinor did I think it would?

Cheese sandwich

• Player: That seems like it would be a horrible sandwich...

Wilson

• Player: Okay little buddy, I have a plan. It's a weird plan, but go with it, okay?
• *Wilson nods sagely*
  Squeak chitter chitter squeak.
• Player has pineapple and Wilson removed from them.
• Player receives Pineapple Wilson.
• You glue the pineapple to Wilson. Weirdly, he seems to find it quite comfortable.

Using Pineapple Wilson the door to the room with the guard in it

• Pineapple Wilson: Squeak
• Prison guard: What is that?
• Pineapple Wilson runs to the corner of the room and the guard follows him.
• (One of the following is occasionally seen:)
  • Pineapple Wilson: Chitter
  • Pineapple Wilson: Chitter chitter
  • Pineapple Wilson: Squeak
  • Pineapple Wilson: Squeak squeak
  • Prison guard: Am I going mad?
  • Prison guard: How are you moving?
  • Prison guard: Is that a pineapple?
  • Prison guard: What in the world?

Investigating the bed after reading the poster

Without the first floor keys

• Player receives first floor keys.
• You find the first-floor keys hidden under the bed.

With the first floor keys

• Player: There's nothing under here but dust and a rather angry-looking spider...

Talking to kitten

• Kitten: Your real prison is your body.

Using items with a strange egg

'Rum'

• (If the room is already on fire:)
  • Player: While I do love me a fried egg, I should probably get out of here.
  • (Continues below.)
• Player: Hrmm, this 'rum' does seem quite strong, I could probably set fire to these eggs.
• BURN IT TO THE GROUND?
  • Yes- I am the god of hellfire.
    • Screen fades out and back in. The room with the crassian eggs is now on fire.
    • Crassian guard: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    • Player: That should prove an appropriate distraction.
  • No, thanks.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Any other item

• Player: I'm not sure what you... I mean, I... Existential crisis... WE? That'll work. I'm not sure what we're trying to accomplish here with that.

Crassian guard trapped in the fire

• (One of the following is occasionally seen:)
  • Crassian guard: *Click chitter click*
  • Crassian guard: Eeeeeeeeeeeeek
  • Crassian guard: Nyaaaaaa reeeeeeeeeeee
  • Crassian guard: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Entering the second floor

• The screen fades out.

The second floor of the prison

• The screen fades in. Mi-Gor is talking to someone.
• Mi-Gor: The serum is working perfectly. Injected directly into their veins the subjects are transforming into these strange creatures. They demonstrate superior strength and the latest addition of 'rum' has warped their minds an the process, making them pliable and docile.
• Mysterious figure: Exquisite. And you can make enough of this serum for our needs?
• Mi-Gor: Once all the pieces are in play, yes.
• Mysterious figure: Be sure that you do. Let us not allow ourselves to be anchored down by ego, we do this right. We must be meticulous. We must be precise. We must show good form... But no mercy. I have waited so very long for my revenge and I will not allow anything to get in my way. Mos Le'Harmless will burn and all the treacherous sea dogs with it. Even the wretched cur that thinks we cannot see them spying on us.
• Mi-Gor turns to face the camera.
• Mi-Gor: YOU!
• The screen fades out while Mi-Gor walks forward. The screen fades back in and shows player back on the ground floor.
• Player: We've got to go. NOW! Everyone, to the jetty, we can swim from there.
• Bill Teach: Why the rush?
• Madame Shih: That should be obvious, we've been discovered.
• Madame Shih: MOVE OUT!
• Madame Shih, Two-Eyed Eric, Jimmy the Parrot, and Bill Teach flee to the jetty.
• Two-Eyed Eric: I'm going to give up piracy and become an accountant!
• Jimmy the Parrot: MOVE OUT!

Talking to Bill Teach or Madame Shih

• (Same as above.)

Diving from the pier

• The player jumps into the water. The screen fades out and back in. Bill Teach, Madame Shih, and the player appear on Karamja.
• You make it back from the prison by swimming through the channel, although the effort leaves you breathless.
• Madame Shih: Where are all the others? Did they get lost along the way?
• Bill Teach: I'm not sure, there was something in the water with us. Did you feel it?
• Madame Shih: Bah! Pathetic excuses, is this what I should expect from all the pirates here?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Have some respect, they might be dead.
    • Player: Have some respect, they might be dead. If it wasn't for Eric and Jimmy we'd have never made it out of that prison.
    • Madame Shih: Oh, we'd have escaped alright, it just might have taken a little longer.
    • (Continues below.)
  • You're right, they were weak.
    • Player: You're right, they were weak.
    • Bill Teach: Show some respect, Player. Without them we might never have made it out.
    • Madame Shih: No, no. Young Player is right, we owe the weak nothing except to conquer them. It is good to see that these lands are not filled exclusively with snivelling children.
    • (Continues below.)
  • [Say nothing.]
    • (Continues below.)
• Madame Shih: But let us talk of them no longer. Where are we?
• Player: We're on the coast of Karamja.
• Madame Shih: Far from your port then, Mostly Harmless, was it?
• Bill Teach: Mos Le'Harmless. But don't worry, I can get us a boat ride from here.
• Madame Shih: You two sort yourselves out, I need to reclaim my ship first anyway. I'll make my own way there.
• Bill Teach: Very good, Madame. Shall we, Player?
• SAIL TO MOS LE'HARMLESS?
  • Yes.
    • The screen fades out and back in. Player appears on the docks of Mos Le'Harmless.
    • Player: Well, that was a surprisingly pleasant trip, almost no attempts at mutiny. I should go meet up with Bill in the secret basement.
  • No - I'll make my own way.
    • Bill Teach: Very well, I'll meet you back in Mos Le'Harmless, we'll await you in the secret basement after a 'long drop'.
    • The screen fades out and back in. Bill Teach and Madame Shih have disappeared.
    • Bill Teach and Madame Shih will meet you in Mos Le'Harmless.

Finding Rabid Jack

Sitting on the chair in Harpoon Joe's House of 'Rum'

• Joe: What'll it be?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • A Long Drop.
    • Player: A Long Drop.
    • Joe: Ye sure?
    • Player: Aye. Drop me...
    • Joe: Take a seat.
    • Player sits down and is dropped into the secret basement.
    • Player: Aaaaah!
    • (Continues below.)
  • Er, nothing?
    • Player:Er, nothing?
    • Joe: Then stop tryin' te take up me table space!

Entering the basement, or talking to Bill Teach or zombie pirate head

Before learning about the zombie pirate head

• Madame Shih: These are the dread captains of the western lands? A grubby bunch of drunkards and lunatics?
• Madame Shih: How Rabid Jack hasn't already wiped you all out I have no idea.
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Hey! We may not look like much, but the pirates of Mos Le'Harmless are a sturdy bunch.
• Brass Hand Harry: Yeah, we've fought off hordes of undead pirates and Mi-Gor's mad machine men. We know what we're doing!
• Madame Shih: Really? Where's your discipline? Who's your leader? Do you resolve all your problems via committee?
• Bill Teach: Hey! Democracy has served us well so far.
• Madame Shih: Ah yes, but how much has it held you back? I command the mightiest pirate fleet to ever sail the oceans of the Eastern Lands. I have scores of loyal pirates who dance to the tune I set. I could take this island from you all in a heartbeat. If I wanted it...I'm not sure I could stomach the smell.
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • [Interrupt.]
    • (Continues below.)
  • [Let them continue.]
    • Bill Teach: What's wrong with the smell? This is a proper, rugged, piratical smell!
    • Madame Shih: It smells as though a flatulent cow with alcohol problems has died down here.
    • Bill Teach: Don't you badmouth Bessie, I won't hear no one badmouth Bessie.
    • Brass Hand Harry: Yeah, she were a good cow, she were. Her milk was always just alcoholic enough to start the day right.
    • Madame Shih: The cow is REAL?
    • (Continues below.)
• Player: Okay, that's enough, guys. We have bigger fish to fry than noxious odours.
• Bill Teach: Sorry, I got nervous...
• Player: We just escaped from the Customs and Excise prison, where they appear to be working with Mi-Gor to transform people somehow.
• Player: AND Mi-Gor was talking to someone he referred to as his superior, which I think we can all agree can only be one person.
• Everyone: Rabid Jack!
• Brass Hand Harry: Which means he's finally bringing the fight to us.
• Madame Shih: So, let's strike him now!
• Bill Teach: A good plan, with only two drawbacks... The first is that we don't know where he is. The second is that WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS! I know that's technically one point, but it's so big that I thought it worth repeating.
• Madame Shih: So, find out! He must have agents we can capture. Soldiers we can kidnap. Lovers we can torture?
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: His forces are the decomposing dead. So, I'm not sure they'll be more helpful.
• Player: If only there were one of those undead pirates with us now... Someone who was once a loyal soldier... Perhaps even one of the barrelchest monstrosities and has now been...rehabilitated.
• Zombie pirate head: Oh, rats. I was hoping you'd forget about me.
• Madame Shih: What in the Hell-of-Being-Flayed-By-Knives is that thing?
• Player: That, Madame Shih, is the information source we need. So, my decomposing friend, you're going to tell us everything we need to know!

After learning about zombie pirate head but before making a deal with it

• Player: So, my decomposing friend, you're going to tell us everything we need to know!
• Zombie pirate head: I'm not telling you anything!
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • [Aggressive interrogation.]
    • Player: Okay, you sorry excuse for a head. You're going to tell me what I want to know, or you're going to be sorry!
    • Zombie pirate head: Oh,yeah? And what are you going to do to me huh?
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • I'll punch your lights out.
        • Zombie pirate head: I'm a decomposing head. Do you think I even feel pain anymore? And if I did, do you think a punch would even register when compared to nerve endings slowly eroding away to nothing? You don't get it, do you? There's nothing you can do to hurt me. Nothing.
        • (Same as above.)
      • I'll cut off your ear.
        • Zombie pirate head: Ooh, nice one. Very visceral there, nice and sinister. Of course, I'm a decapitated zombie head, so mutilation isn't really high on my list of concerns. Good effort though.
        • (Same as above.)
      • I'll pour ants up your nose.
        • Zombie pirate head: I mean, that's just weird. It might make me sneeze I suppose. I mean, it's not like there aren't already things crawling around in here. A few more won't really matter.
        • (Same as above.)
      • I'll rip off your wig!
        • Zombie pirate head: Really? You dress me up like this and then just as I'm enjoying it you threaten to rip it off again? That's not scary, just rude and confusing.
        • Player: You're enjoying it?
        • Zombie pirate head: Of course I am. If I can't love myself, how the hell am I gonna love anyone else? Can I get an 'amen'?
        • Everyone: AMEN!
        • (Same as above.)
  • [Kind interrogation.]
    • Player: Okay, okay, I think we're starting on the wrong foot. We can be reasonable about this.
    • Zombie pirate head: Hah! Fat chance!
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • I love your makeup.
        • Player:I like your makeup, it's very...er...cute?
        • Zombie pirate head: Cute? CUTE! I don't look cute! I do drop-dead GORGEOUS!
        • (Same as above.)
      • Let me tell you a joke.
        • (Continues with one of the following. The jokes are always told in the following order, and after the last one the first one is told again.)
          • (The first joke:)
            • Player: Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
            • Zombie pirate head: I don't know?
            • Player: Because they'll just wash up on shore later!
            • Zombie pirate head: Laughing about the death of pirates at sea? That's low, dude, and I'm a decomposing zombie head.
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The second joke:)
            • Player: Why is piracy so addictive?
            • Zombie pirate head: The rush of adrenaline as you pillage and plunder?
            • Player: They say once you lose yer first hand, ye get HOOKED!
            • Zombie pirate head: Wow, dude, joking about people living with handicaps now?
            • Player: I know, I'm a terrible person.
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The third joke:)
            • Player: How do philosopher pirates know that they're pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRRRRRR!
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The fourth joke:)
            • Player: Did you hear what happened to the pirate that fell into the Red Sea? He got MAROONED!
            • Zombie pirate head: Where's this Red Sea? I've never heard of it before.
            • Player: Errr, go past the fourth wall and turn left?
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The fifth joke:)
            • Player: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? He bought it on a sail!
            • Zombie pirate head: Wow, that's bad.
            • Player: I regret nothing. I still have more.
            • Zombie pirate head: Oh, gods...
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The sixth joke:)
            • Player: What has eight arms, eight legs and eight eyes?
            • Zombie pirate head: Arr, that be the dread sea spider. We do not speak her name in fear that she mi-
            • Player: EIGHT pirates!
            • Zombie pirate head: That's a terrible stereotype.
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The seventh joke:)
            • Player: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
            • Zombie pirate head: A nervous wreck.
            • Player: Oh, you know that one.
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The eighth joke:)
            • Player: How much did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck 'n' ear!
            • Zombie pirate head: Why are they paying in deer?
            • Player: It's a joke, don't overthink how it fits into the canon.
            • Zombie pirate head: Why are you putting a poor little deer into a cannon? What kind of monster are you?
            • Player: Canon, not cannon.
            • Zombie pirate head: What?
            • Player: Never mind.
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The ninth joke:)
            • Player: Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs? Right where you left him!
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The tenth joke:)
            • Player: Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate? Because they were standing on the deck!
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The eleventh joke:)
            • Player: When you've just got back into Mos Le'Harmless after a long voyage and you're hungry and broke, you know what's criminal? The pie-rates!
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The twelfth joke:)
            • Player: Have you heard about the cannoneer that couldn't stop messing around on the job?
            • Zombie pirate head: Oh Ken. he was burned horribly and-
            • Player: He got fired!
            • Zombie pirate head: ...
            • Player: Oh, that actually happened to someone? Sorry...
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The thirteenth joke:)
            • Player: Why was the pirate banned from boxing?
            • Zombie pirate head: He had a mean right hook!
            • Player: That's... actually better than what I was going to say.
            • Zombie pirate head: Go on, tell me.
            • Player: Nah, I'm no boxer myself, I couldn't deliver a better PUNCH line that that.
            • Zombie pirate head: Damn you.
            • (Continues below.)
          • (The fourteenth joke:)
            • Player: Why can't you tell when the Eastern pirates get food poisoning?
            • Zombie pirate head: Hmm... I don't know, why is that?
            • Player: Because they have invisible salmon-ella!
            • (Continues below.)
        • TELL ANOTHER?
          • Did you hear this one?
            • (Same as above.)
          • No more jokes!
            • (Same as above.)
      • Maybe we can come to an arrangement.
        • Zombie pirate head: Hrmm, okay, now you're talking my language matey. Okay, here's the deal. I'll tell you the location of Rabid jack's secret base. IF... You help me to find true meaning in life. I want to feel truly alive again!
        • Player: Err...that may be a little beyond my power.
        • Zombie pirate head: Nonsense! I've looked into it. I've done extensive research and I've come to the conclusion that I need but two things to be fulfilled... One. I need someone that I can care for and consider a true companion.
        • SELECT AN OPTION
          • Are you hitting on me?
            • (Continues below.)
          • We can make that work.
            • (Continues below.)
        • Zombie pirate head: Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I'm sorry but you are definitely not my type. But no, it doesn't need to be romantic. Just someone I can care for, like a child, or perhaps a pet.
        • Player: We could visit a pet shop, sure.
        • Zombie pirate head: You can't buy affection, what sort of zombie head do you take me for? No, no, no I need to find a true friend. Maybe you know someone who's giving away pets to heroic adventurers or something?
        • Player: Okay, that's one. What's the other thing?
        • Zombie pirate head: I want to watch the sunset on a tropical beach. Somewhere with the sound of nearby jungles and a nice west-facing sea. There I need to drown myself...in culture. Get me these things and I'll tell you everything you need to know. Deal?
        • SELECT AN OPTION
          • Deal.
            • Zombie pirate head: Excellent, let's get going!
            • Screen fades out and back in. The zombie head is now in your backpack.
          • No deal.
            • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.
            • (Same as above.)
  • [Insane interrogation.]
    • CHOOSE AN OPTION:
      • [Copy everything he says.]
        • Zombie pirate head: Do your worst!
        • Player: Do your worst!
        • Zombie pirate head: Didn't I just say that?
        • Player: Didn't I just say that?
        • Zombie pirate head: Really? This is your tactic, repeating everything I say?
        • Player: Really? This is your tactic, repeating everything I say?
        • Zombie pirate head: What is this, interrogation by five-year-old?
        • Player: What is this, interrogation by five-year-old?
        • Zombie pirate head: ...
        • (Same as above.)
      • [Spout nonsense phrases with gusto.]
        • Zombie pirate head: Do your worst!
        • Player: Lemons are just oranges that failed in life!
        • Zombie pirate head: Wait, what?
        • Player: Oh, ho! I see. I know who wore the green jumper - I KNOW, I KNOW!
        • Zombie pirate head: Are you feeling okay?
        • Player: The world is flat! If it was round we'd all fall off!
        • Zombie pirate head: You know that makes no sense, right?
        • Player: MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES! THE DARKNESS COMES!
        • Zombie pirate head: Yeah, this is just nonsensical rubbish. I'm not sure what you thought would happen here.
        • (Same as above.)
      • [Just dance!]
        • The player dances.
        • Zombie pirate head: Err...nice moves?
        • The player twirls.
        • Zombie pirate head: What's going on here?
        • The player breakdances.
        • Zombie pirate head: Yeah...I don't know what your plan is, but it's not working.
        • (Same as above.)
      • [Talk like Raven.]
        • Zombie pirate head: Haha! Do your worst!
        • Player: My worst? Oh dear, how unfortunate for you. Such a proposal, why it fills me with such monstrous whimsy.
        • Player: I could tease you with just enough bare hints of lore that you feel you are on the cusp of the answers you so seek...
        • Player: And then I rip that joy away with an answer just vague enough to be meaningless.
        • Zombie pirate head: You monster!
        • Player: A monster? Oh, my dear zombie head, you haven't even begun to dream of the cruelties I could inflict upon you.
        • Player: Tell me. Is there anyone you care about? A friend...a lover...an ally in all of Gielinor that you want to see do well?
        • Zombie pirate head: Well, I have been getting on well with this one pira-
        • Player: Because I could tear them from you! I could submit them to the cruellest of torture and feast deeply on their delicious tears.
        • Player: The tears of agony are the sweetest, I think. Suffering, and just the subtlest hint of hope.
        • Player: I love hope. The most exquisite of torture devices. People will suffer so much longer, so much deeper, if they believe there is hope.
        • Player: But you shouldn't have hope, my friend. Oh no. No hope for you, you see I'm going to...no...I better not say...
        • Player: Spoilers!
        • Zombie pirate head: While that was an impressively hammy performance, I'm still not going to tell you anything.
        • Player: CURSES!
        • (Same as above.)
  • [Leave.]
    • Player: I'll talk to you later.
    • Zombie pirate head: I'll still have nothing to say to you.

After obtaining zombie head but before placing it on the beach

Without zombie head

• Zombie pirate head: Shall we go then?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Sure, let's go!
    • (Without space in backpack:)
      • Zombie pirate head: Well, you'll need to make space for me in your backpack, then we can continue.
    • (With space in backpack:)
      • Screen fades out and back in. The zombie head is now in your backpack.
  • Not just yet.
    • Zombie pirate head: Fine, let me know when you want to go.

With zombie head

• Bill Teach: Come back here once you've got that zombie head to start talking.

After placing the zombie head on the beach

• (Dialogue ends.)

After finishing both of the zombie pirate head's tasks but before learning about Kraken Tooth Island

• Player has Zombie head removed from them.
• Madame Shih: So, did you learn what you needed to learn from our strange decomposing head here?
• Player: No yet, we're in a secret location now, it's time to tell us everything zombie head.
• Zombie pirate head: Okay. What I'm about to tell you is one of Rabid Jack's biggest secrets. If he ever finds out I told you, his revenge will be unspeakable.
• Brass Hand Harry: Oh, just get on with it!
• Zombie pirate head: Rude. Here I am, about to betray my own captain and you can't even give me the decency of a bit of respect.
• Bill Teach: We're very sorry for interrupting, please continue.
• Zombie pirate head: Well, Rabid jack has a hidden island just off the Cursed Archipelago. Kraken Tooth island, he calls it. It's a terrible place. Shrouded in fog so dense that you can't see the person next to you. Cold as ice and... There are things in the fog. Things that skitter. Things that slither and writhe. The noises they make...oh gods, the noises...
• Player: Focus.
• Zombie pirate head: Sorry, yes. Well this island is where he's building up his forces and conducting his most terrible experiments. He's turning people into monsters. Innocent people, not even the undead like us, just people.
• Player: Where's this island? Can you take us there?
• Zombie pirate head: I am not going back there, no way. But I'll mark it on a map for you.
• Madame Shih: One of my ships can take us there. I've got a rowboat anchored at the south-west beach. Prepare for a fight and head there when you are ready.

After learning about Kraken Tooth Island

• Madame Shih: This Kraken Tooth Island sounds dangerous. You'd best prepare for a fight. When you are ready, use the rowboat I've moored on the south-west beach of Mos Le'Harmless to row out to my ship. I shall ferry you all there.

Chatting with the zombie head

Before finishing both tasks

• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Ask about finding a friend.
    • (Before talking to Gertrude:)
      • Zombie pirate head: Maybe you know of some nice, kindly old person with a plethora of adorable pets to hand out to lonely adventurers?
    • (After talking to Gertrude but before talking to the children:)
      • Zombie pirate head: Gertrude said to go and speak to her kids. She had some in her house and I think I heard some in the Varrock Market Square.
    • (After talking to the children but before finding Wilson:)
      • Zombie pirate head: So, we're off to the lumber yard, right? That's what the kids were saying.
    • (After finding Wilson but before delivering the materials:)
      • Zombie pirate head: We need two pieces of leather and a gold bar. We should bring them to Wilson when we have them.
    • (After delivering the materials but before watching the sunset:)
      • Player: How's Wilson settling in?
      • Zombie pirate head: HAHAHAHAHAA he's tickling me!
      • Player: I don't see him.
      • Zombie pirate head: He's crawling all over my brain!
      • Player: I may throw up.
  • Ask about watching the sunset on a beach.
    • (Before arriving on Karamja:)
      • Zombie pirate head: I want to see the sunset on a beach somewhere. I'm thinking somewhere tropical, with the ocean to the west. Maybe with some music playing nearby, you know, set the mood. A nearby shop, something local. Just outside a bigger village, so we can escape to civilisation if we need to.
    • (After watching the sunset but before delivering the materials for Wilson:)
      • Zombie pirate head: That was *hic* great. Lessgo find me a nice new friend somewhere.

After finishing both tasks

• (Same as below.)

Talking to Gertrude

First time

• CHOOSE AN OPTION:
  • Do you have any more kittens?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Can you tell me how to look after my cat?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Talk about the 'Ratcatchers' quest.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Ask about a pet for the zombie head.
    • Player: Hi, Gertrude. Don't suppose you have any more kittens lying about do you? My friend here would really like one.
    • Gertrude: My word. What on Gielinor is that thing? Is that...is that a talking head?
    • Zombie pirate head: Oi! Don't talk about me like I'm not here. How rude!
    • Gertrude: You're right, how terribly rude of me. I am so sorry.
    • Player: Soooo...kittens? Do you have any kittens?
    • Gertrude: I'm afraid not, no. All my remaining kittens are reserved for brave adventurers who need a feline companion. Though, come to think of it, the kids were talking about something they've been playing with. Perhaps they can help?
    • Player: Okay, thanks, I'll go have a chat with them.

Afterwards

• CHOOSE AN OPTION:
  • Do you have any more kittens?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Can you tell me how to look after my cat?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Talk about the 'Ratcatchers' quest.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Ask about a pet for the zombie head.
    • Gertrude: Hello dear. I thought you were going to chat to the kids?

Talking to Shilop or Wilough

• Player: Hey there fellow kids.
• Wilough: What?
• Player: Your mother tells me that you've found an adorable fluffy critter for my friend here?
• Wilough: Nope. Not me.
• Zombie pirate head: Another kid maybe?
• Wilough: Oh, wow! Is this a zombie head? Is it full of writhing worms and insects?
• Zombie pirate head: Don't be revol-
• Wilough: If it bites people, do they become whole zombies or is just their head zombified?
• Zombie pirate head: Actually, that's a common misconcept-
• Wilough: I bet it smells real bad. Can I hide it under Philop's bed?
• Zombie pirate head: We're done here.

Talking to Kanel

Before learning about sawmill

• Player: Hi there.
• Kanel: RAAAAAAR! I am a deady dwagon. RAAAR!
• Player: Oh, come on, not this again. I mean, yes, of course you are. Oh, terrible and powerful dwag...dragon. Your mother tells me that you've found another kitten?
• Kanel: No. I found a big and terrible monster!
• Player: Yes, yes, terrible monster. Where is this monster?
• Kanel: It hides in the secret lair. A place so secret no one could ever guess where it-
• Player: The sawmill. It's at the sawmill isn't it?
• Kanel: Oh, you've seen it, then.
• Zombie pirate head: I hate these kids.

After learning about sawmill

• Player: Where did you say the kitten was again?
• Kanel: In a secret place. You'll never gue-
• Player: Sawmill, yep, got it. Thanks.

Talking to Philop

Before learning about the hideout

• Player: Hi there.
• Philop: Hel-lo?
• Player: Your mother tells me that you've found another kitten!
• Philop: Kit-ten?
• Player: Small cat. Cute and cuddly?
• Philop: Cute and cuddle?
• Zombie pirate head: Look, kid, have you seen a stray cat or what?
• Philop: Cat? Like at the saw-mill?
• Player: Of course that's where it is. Why didn't I just go straight there?
• Zombie pirate head: Am I missing something?
• Player: Symmetry. Never mind, come on, we're off to the kid's hideout.
• Zombie pirate head: Where is it?
• Player: Just east of here, it's an abandoned house near the Apothecary.

After learning about sawmill

• Player: Where did you say the kitten was again?
• Philop: In a secret place. You'll never gue-
• Player: Sawmill, yep, got it. Thanks.

Talking to Gertrude again

• CHOOSE AN OPTION:
  • Do you have any more kittens?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Can you tell me how to look after my cat?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Talk about the 'Ratcatchers' quest.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Ask about a pet for the zombie head.
    • Gertrude: I hope you found what you needed at the sawmill.

Searching the jiggling crate

Before discovering Wilson

• You lift the lid on the crate and from the darkness you hear a rustling noise. It does not sound like a kitten.
• REACH INSIDE?
  • Yes - I fear nothing.
    • Bravely you lower your fleshy digits into the crate. Any moment now you fear your fingers may be consumed by some eldritch horror within. Something brushes your fingertips. Something sticky with tiny feelers that probe your flesh. Tiny teeth nibble at your skin.
    • PICK UP THE CREATURE?
      • Yes - it's probably fine.
        • You close your eyes and in one swift movement you withdraw the monstrous beast from the shadows. Slowly you dare to open your eyes.
        • *Squeek*
        • Player: Oh, Wilson, thank the stars it's you! Why are you sticky?
        • *Chitter chitter Squeek chitter*
        • Player: Oh, the pineapple thing. Yeah, sorry about that.
        • *Squeek chitter squeek*
        • Player: I'm sorry we left you in that prison, but we needed to escape.
        • *Chitter*
        • Player: I know you're angry, but that is no way to talk about my mother!
        • *Squeek*
        • Player: Why are you so MEAN?
        • Zombie pirate head: You're being bullied by a rat?
        • Wilson turns his tiny gaze upon the zombie head. For a moment they stare at each other, dark soulless eyes gazing into each other with a terrible stillness. In the distance, a raven crows thrice, and Wilson and the head nod in unison.
        • Zombie pirate head: I see. I understand now.
        • Player: What? Did I miss something here?
        • Zombie pirate head: Wilson and I have come to an agreement. While you abandoned him to a terrible fate in a prison full of monsters...
        • Player: I said I was sorry.
        • Zombie pirate head: Like I said, you abandoned him, but gave him a taste of the adventuring lifestyle. He agrees that he and I should become adventurers ourselves, together. We would make an unstoppable duo!
        • Player: You're just a head...
        • Zombie pirate head: A FABULOUS, albeit slowly decomposing, head.
        • Player: Right, and he's a rat. A rat that smells of pineapple.
        • Zombie pirate head: Indeed. No one would expect us. We would face all our foes with the greatest weapon of all!
        • Player: Confusing perfumes?
        • Zombie pirate head: The element of SURPRISE! No one expects a zombie head and a rat to defeat them. By the time they realise we're upon them, their fate will already be sealed.
        • Player: How exactly?
        • Zombie pirate head: We're...er..still working on that. Arr, but before we can begin to conceive of such a partnership, we must first make sure none can claim Wilson here as mere vermin. He must be clearly displayed as my faithful animal companion. We will need two leather pieces and a gold bar. None of this hard leather, nor any of that scaly stuff. It needs to be plain old normal leather so it doesn't scratch his little neck.
        • (Without the materials:)
          • Player: Why exactly?
          • Zombie pirate head: Because every good pet needs a collar. What if he gets lost?
          • Player: It's not like you're going to go very far... Okay, fine, I'll get the leather and the gold. I'll be back here shortly.
        • (With the materials:)
          • Player: Which I just so happen to have on me!
          • Zombie pirate head: That seems awfully convenient...
          • Player: Would you believe divine providence?
          • Zombie pirate head: I would certainly believe a guiding hand was involved. Anyway, that's all we need.
          • (Continues below.)
      • No - it's going to kill me!
        • You close the lid, let out a sigh of relief and then remember that you still actually want to complete this quest.
  • No - it might bite me!
    • You leave the box alone. It sits there patiently, waiting for you to reveal the monstrosity within.

After discovering Wilson

• Player: Hi, Wilson, I'm back.
• (Without the materials:)
  • The rat looks at you with impatient eyes.
  • Player: What?
  • The rat taps its tiny little feet. He seems to be waiting for you to remember something.
  • Player: I forgot the stuff, didn't I?
  • The rat nods a slow, faintly sarcastic nod. You feel oddly ashamed.
  • Player: I'll...er...I'll come back with two pieces of leather and a gold bar.
• (With the materials:)
  • Zombie pirate head: Arrr, and ye've got the leather and the gold, I can smell it on yer.
  • Player: Also, you're in my backpack...
  • Zombie pirate head: Aye, that too.
  • Player has two pieces of leather and a gold bar removed from them.
  • You craft an exquisite collar and strap it around Wilson's tiny neck. He squeaks excitedly.
  • Zombie pirate head: So, now that you're suitably dressed me matey, yea be ready to sail the seven seas with me as me first mate?
  • Wilson squeaks excitedly and nods his tiny head.
  • Zombie pirate head: Excellent! Then the oath be sealed. Come, Player, let us sail on!
  • You have 'Found the zombie head a friend'.
  • (If both tasks have been completed and the zombie pirate head is in your backpack:)
    • (Continues below.)

Arriving north-west of Jiminua's Jungle Store

• Zombie pirate head: STOP! This. Is. PERFECT!
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Put the zombie head down.
    • Player has zombie head removed from them.
    • The zombie pirate head appears on the beach.
  • Come back later.
    • Zombie pirate head: We'll come back here later, I've got things I want to do first.
    • Zombie pirate head: Arr, but it be so pretty here.

Talking to zombie pirate head on the beach

Without Blurberry Special

• Zombie pirate head: Arr, this be perfect. The sun on my face, the wind in my hair. But it needs more. Something is missing.
• Player: Swimming with dolphins?
• Zombie pirate head: I be of the sea, matey. I swam with my fair share of cetaceans.
• Player: Build the mightiest sandcastle ever known?
• Zombie pirate head: Bah! What would be the point? The sea is a cruel mistress, she'd claim it soon as we build it. No, I need something more cultural. Something pure. Something that makes a lasting memory. I NEED COCKTAILS! They're cultural, they're pure and they give you long-lasting memories!
• Player: Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong. Fine, what do you want to drink?
• Zombie pirate head: I want something with vodka, gin and brandy. I think they'd go well together. I like citrus flavours as well. I'd like it to have that. Finally, it should have a faint leafy flavour to it. Yeah, that should do it.
• Player: That's...very specific.
• Zombie pirate head: What can I say? It's what I crave!
• Player: I'll see what I can do.

With Blurberry Special

• Player: I've brought you a Blurberry Special. It's made from all the ingredients you like, plus it has that leafy citrus flavour.
• Zombie pirate head: Marvellous! Hand it over, matey!
• GIVE THE ZOMBIE HEAD THE BLURBERRY SPECIAL?
  • Yes.
    • The zombie pirate head drinks the Blurberry Special.
    • Zombie pirate head: Ahhh. Delicious... Hrmm... No... No. Doesn't quite hit the mark. I think I need something else.
    • Player: Really? You couldn't have said that earlier?
    • Zombie pirate head: I want something alcoholic. With berries and a sweet, sticky taste. Oooh, and I want it to be creamy. Deliciously creamy, like a cake in liquid form.
    • (With Drunk Dragon:)
      • Player: Sooo, I happen to already have one of those on me.
      • Zombie pirate head: That's convenient.
      • Player: I always come prepared.
      • (Continues below.)
  • No.
    • Player: I think I will hold onto it for now.
    • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.

Without Drunk Dragon

• (Same as above.)

With Drunk Dragon

• Player: I've brought you a Drunk Dragon. It's got pineapple and dwellberries in it and it's mixed in with cream.
• Zombie pirate head: Sounds marvellous! Let me try it!
• GIVE THE ZOMBIE HEAD THE DRUNK DRAGON?
  • Yes.
    • The zombie pirate head drinks the Drunk Dragon.
    • Zombie pirate head: Ooh, yes, that hits the spot. And yet...
    • Player: Oh, come on, really?
    • Zombie pirate head: Yes, yes. The cream is nice, but I want something sweeter and yet a tinge of bitterness.
    • Zombie pirate head: I'm tired of gin, I want something with a woodier flavour. Keep it creamy. I love the creamy flavour of these cocktails, but I want a touch of sweetness as well.
    • (With Chocolate Saturday:)
      • Player: Well, what do you know, I've got a Chocolate Saturday on me right now.
      • Zombie pirate head: Of course you have...
      • Player: I'd say that this fits all your criteria.
      • (Continues below.)
  • No.
    • Player: I think I will hold onto it for now.
    • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.

Without Chocolate Saturday

• (Same as above.)

With Chocolate Saturday

• Player: I've brought you a Chocolate Saturday. It should meet all your alcoholic needs.
• Zombie pirate head: Sounds marvellous! Let me try it!
• GIVE THE ZOMBIE HEAD THE CHOCOLATE SATURDAY?
  • Yes.
    • The zombie pirate head drinks the Chocolate Saturday.
    • Zombie pirate head: Ahhh, yes, that hit the spot. That's just what I needed.
    • Zombie pirate head: Nothing left to do but to stare out across the sea and watch the sunset.
    • WATCH THE SUNSET?
      • Yes.
        • Screen fades out and back in. You're now watching the sunset.
        • Zombie pirate head: It's really quite beautiful, isn't it? The sunset?
        • SELECT AN OPTION
          • Yes, it is.
            • Player: Yes, it is. I've always thought so.
            • Zombie pirate head: When you're sailing out across the great seas - plundering, murdering and all that - you never really stop to appreciate it. The colours as they dance across the waves. The sounds as they change. The night animals taking over from the day. There's a special sort of magic there.
            • Player: It helps to be drunk as well, of course.
            • You have completed 'Watch the sunset on the beach'.
            • Zombie pirate head: Oh, hells to the yeah! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!
            • (Continues below.)
          • No, it's horrible.
            • Player: No, it's horrible! I hate it!
            • Zombie pirate head: Really? But it's so peaceful and beautiful!
            • Player: But the darkness creeps in and eclipses the light. Anything could be hiding in those shadows. ANYTHING!
            • Zombie pirate head: Who hurt you?
            • You have completed 'Watch the sunset on the beach'.
            • Player: Everyone...
            • (Continues below.)
          • Meh.
            • Player: Meh.
            • Zombie pirate head: Meh! MEH? You have the wonders of creation right before you? The dazzling colours as day passes into night? The strange energies as twilight approaches and the eldritch strangeness of darkness arrives and you say 'meh'?
            • Player: It happens every day, no biggie.
            • You have completed 'Watch the sunset on the beach'.
            • Zombie pirate head: I feel oddly sorry for you.
            • (Continues below.)
        • Player receives zombie head.
        • The zombie pirate head jumps back into your backpack.
        • (If both tasks have been completed:)
          • (Continues below.)
      • No.
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • No.
    • Player: I think I will hold onto it for now.
    • Zombie pirate head: Suit yourself.

After giving Chocolate Saturday but before watching the sunset

• (Same as above.)

After finishing both tasks for zombie pirate head

• Zombie pirate head: Okay, that's it. That's everything that books say I need for a full and complete life.
• Player: What books are you reading?
• Zombie pirate head: Hey, they're my secrets to a happy life, get your own!
• Player: Whatever. So you're going to tell me about Rabid Jack's base?
• Zombie pirate head: Not here. Let's go back to the secret basement so no one overhears us.

Talking to the zombie head in the basement

• Zombie pirate head: Hahahahaa, stop it Wilson, that's my optical nerve you're chewing on. It tickles!

Zogoth

Rowing the rowboat

• You should prepare for a fight before departing.
• ARE YOU READY TO SET SAIL?
  • Yes!
    • (The quest continues.)
  • No, I need to prepare.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Arriving on the ship

• The map leads you deep into the ocean, but it soon becomes clear that the island is nowhere to be seen. For hours it's just empty ocean. When suddenly the ship runs aground something.
• Bill Teach: I thought you said you knew this place like the back of yer hand. How've we run aground?
• Madame Shih: Do not take that tone with me on my own ship, Bill Teach. We must have hit a coral reef. Make yourselves useful.
• Izzy No Beard: Aye, aye, captain. I'll check the bow.
• Brass Hand Harry: And I the stern, madame.
• Captain Braindeath: And I the bottle... *hic*
• Madame Shih: Please, Player, if you could check below decks for any damage...

Talking to kitten

• Kitten: From beneath it devours.

Talking to any pirate

• Madame Shih: Have you checked below decks yet? We could be sinking! Use the deck door towards the rear of the boat.
• Player: Not yet...but none of these pirates have made a move yet either!
• Madame Shih: Pirates are often slow to get started. Don't be a pirate. Show them the way.

Trying to enter the door

• Mysterious figure: Please, don't leave on my account...
• Bill Teach: Lads, he's here! Get 'im!
• Brass Hand Harry: We've killed yer once, we'll do it again!
• Izzy No Beard: Aye, and this time ye stay dead.
• Captain Braindeath: And then we'll drink ter it! *hic*
• Scuttling noises are heard.
• Madame Shih: Um, gentlemen, you might want to look behind you...
• Four of the pirates are captured by tentacles.
• Mysterious figure: Ha! Meet me new pet; I think she likes ya, boys.
• Rabid Jack: Now, madame, I don't believe I've made yer acquaintance. Rabid Jack's me name.
• Rabid Jack kidnaps Madame Shih and teleports away.
• Rabid Jack: Right! You boys have fun! I'm off - Mos Le'Harmless ain't gonna invade itself with zombie pirates!

Talking to kitten

• Kitten: It has risen!

Killing the last tentacle

• Zogoth cracks open the ship and attacks you.

Talking to kitten

• Kitten: Join me in death!

After killing Zogoth

Talking to kitten

• Kitten: What is dead may never die.

Talking to any of the pirates, or continuing automatically after the fight

• Bill Teach: What was that beastie?
• Brass Hand Harry: It's some sort of crassian, I reckon.
• Izzy No Beard: More importantly, how was Jack able to control it?
• Player: I'll bet it's something to do with the black rock.
• Brass Hand Harry: Madame Shih, do you know- Oh...
• Izzy No Beard: Where'd she go?
• Bill Teach: Jack took her, I think; I can't see her in the water.
• Captain Braindeath: Well, what now? This boat's a wreck, and Jack's off invading our homes!
• Brass Hand Harry: We've got to save Mos Le'Harmless!
• Captain Braindeath: Aye, and me my brewers!
• Bill Teach: I'll call for Pirate Pete, he'll ferry us back. Hang on..
• Pirate Pete teleports to Bill Teach and knocks him.
• Player: This.....
• Pirate Pete teleports to Captain Braindeath and knocks him.
• Player: ...is...
• Pirate Pete teleports to Cap'n Izzy No-Beard and knocks him.
• Player: ...going...
• Pirate Pete teleports to Brass Hand Harry and knocks him.
• Player: ...to...
• Pirate Pete teleports to the player and knocks them.
• Player: Ow!
• Pirate Pete: *phew* This teleporting malarkey is hard work!
• Screen fades out and back in to show Rabid Jack in Mos Le'Harmless surrounded by dead pirates.
• Rabid Jack: Arr, here we are at last and each landlubbing one of yer is rightfully cowering before me. Ye all left me for dead. Left me for the crabs and fishes. But I didn't die, I'm Rabid Jack! I'll NEVER die! Arr, but what I did do is I held a grudge. I held a grudge and it sustained me, fed me better than any banquet. As I fell into the dark embrace of the ocean, her cold clammy hands clasping round my lungs. I swore revenge and the sea, she answered my prayer. Haha! She changed me she did, the sea. Took my frailty and human weaknesses and gave me life anew. And oh, how I harboured that hate. Oh, how I grew fat upon it. Seething in the ocean depths, and preparing. All for today! Witness, my pathetic brethren! Witness as I reclaim what is rightfully mine! I am Rabid Jack and everything you own belongs TO ME! Pray to your gods if you like. Not that it matters you understand. I've seen death... And there are no gods listening for our prayers.
• Bill Teach: That madman. Come on, if we don't stop them, these barrelchests and zombies are going to destroy everything. No one destroys my home and gets away with it. Come on, Player... LET'S KICK SOME BOOTY!
• Screen fades out and in. The invasion has begun.
• Kill the captains!
  Beat up barrelchests!
  Sink the zomboats!
  Barricade the gate!
  Help the wounded!
• Kill the captains!
• Beat up barrelchests!
• Sink the zomboats!
• Barricade the gate!
• Help the wounded!

Rabid Jack's invasion

Attempting to cross the gangplank

• Player: I can't abandon the pirates of Mos Le'Harmless to Rabid Jack's forces!

Attempting to row the rowboat

• Player: I'm a little busy right now...

Attempting to move outside the fighting area

• Player: There's no fighting over this way.

Attempting to repair a barricade with captains left

• You've still got significant enemies to fight, repair the barricades after!

Killing all zombie captains at the main gate

• You've killed all the captains, now repair the barricades!

Repairing the last barricade at the main gate

• Player: I've repaired all the barricades!
• You've cleared all the invaders at front gate push forward!

Killing all zombie captains on a wall

• You've killed all the captains, now help the pirate up!

Talking to the pirate on the wall

While the zombies on the wall are still 'alive'

• Pirate: Too many zombies!

After the zombies on the wall have been killed

• Player: Let's get you up.
• Pirate: I'll hold them here, matey.
• You've cleared all the invaders at the west wall push forward!

Killing all zombie captains at the cannons

• You've killed all the captains, now repair the cannons and destroy the ships!

Shooting a cannon at an invading boat

• Player: FIRE!
• The boat sinks.
• (One of the following is seen:)
  • Invading boat: Glug, glug, glug!
  • Invading boat: Ooh, a kitty!
  • Invading boat: You sunk my barrel ship!
  • Invading boat: Wait, I left the oven on!

Clearing the invaders at the south-west cannons

• You've cleared all the invaders at south-west cannons push forward!

Clearing the invaders at the south-east cannons

• You've cleared all the invaders at south-east cannons push forward!

Clearing the first wave

• A second wave of pirate invaders have started their assault!
• Break the bridges!
• Destroy the cannon!
• Damage the ship!

Attempting to destroy a makeshift bridge with captains left

• Fight the zombies before destroying the bridges. Priorities!

Killing all zombie captains at the east river

• You've killed all the captains, now destroy the bridges!

Destroying the first makeshift bridge

• Player: That's one bridge down!

Destroying the third makeshift bridge

• Player: I've destroyed all the bridges!
• You've cleared all the invaders at east river push forward!

Attempting to interact with the BF cannon with captains left

• You've got other things to slay before attacking the cannon!

Killing all zombie captains at the crop field

• You've killed all the captains, now destroy the cannon!

Damaging the BF cannon

• Player: I've damaged the BF cannon!

Destroying the broken BF cannon

• Player: I've destroyed the cannon!
• You've cleared all the invaders at crop field push forward!

Killing all zombie captains at the beach head

• You've killed all the captains, now damage the ship!

With captains left

• Kill the enemies around the ship before damaging it!

With other parts still under attack

• Parts of the island are still invaded. Ensure you've destroyed the invaders everywhere before progressing.

With other parts cleared

• Player: I think that's the last of them.
• The screen fades out and back in. The player appears in The Other Inn with Bill Teach and Brass Hand Harry.
• Bill Teach: I can't believe we did it. We fought back Rabid Jack's entire army! It was a tough fight and we lost a lot of good men, but we prevailed.
• Brass Hand Harry: It was too easy.
• Bill Teach: You're kidding, right? You were in the same fight as the rest of us?
• Brass Hand Harry: Rabid Jack has been preparing for this fight for years. He's building an army of the undead and transforming people into horrible monsters. And we fought, what, several undead pirates and one or two of those barrelchest things? Where were the sea monsters? Those weird crab people? The mutating zombies? Where did Jack go?
• Player: He did leave early into the fight. I did wonder where.
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard enters the inn.
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: *pant* I know where he *wheeze* went...
• Bill Teach: Izzy, what happened? You look exhausted!
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Just *wheeze* swam back from my what's left of my *wheeze* ship. Rabid Jack obliterated her with cannon fire, I'm lucky to escape. This whole invasion, the massacred pirates, it was all just a cover. He and Mi-Gor have taken control of the distillery.
• Bill Teach: What? Why would they want that place?
• Player: The 'rum'. They're after the 'rum'.
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Exactly. They're mixing it with some of that strange black rock we've been finding all over the place. Apparently, it's the key ingredient in some sort of serum.
• Player: They're planning on turning people into monsters and if they have the distillery...
• Bill Teach: Holy mackerel, they'd have enough of the stuff to infect the whole ruddy world.
• Player: Not to mention a delivery system. That 'rum' shifts to just about every port in Gielinor.
• Brass Hand Harry: No more 'rum'?
• Player: If we don't stop him, it'll be no more world.
• Bill Teach: I'll get the fleet ready. Player, you'll need to infiltrate the distillery. Get in there and see if you can ruin their plans.
• Player: Ruining things is what I do best. Wait, that came out wrong.
• Screen fades out and back in. The pirates have left the scene.

Braindeath Island distillery

Talking to Pirate Pete

• SELECT AN OPTION
• Talk about Pieces of Hate.
  • Player: Quick! I need to get to Braindeath Island!
  • Pirate Pete: Alright, then. Close your eyes and count to five.
  • The screen fades out and back in. The player appears on Braindeath Island.
• Talk about something else.
  • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Talking to 50% Luke

• Player: How come you're still here, Luke?
• 50% Luke: Someone has to keep guarding this gate.
• Player: But why, there's nothing out there.
• 50% Luke: There has been of late. I hear it at night...cawing me.
• Player: Cawing? What, like a crow?
• 50% Luke: Not a crow, a gull.
• Player: Gulls don't caw, they, um...how do you describe the noise gulls make?
• 50% Luke: Exactly! It's indescribable!
• Player: And you're scared of it?
• 50% Luke: No, I'm made of sterner stuff than that. Well, half of me is, at least.
• Player: Remind me again what it is that you are made of.
• 50% Luke: I'm made of 'the right stuff'!
• Player: I meant more 'the left stuff'?
• 50% Luke: It's witchwood.

Talking to Barrelchest Mk I

• Barrelchest Mk I: You look a little flushed for a zombie pirate. Are you one of Captain Donnie's crew or an escaped distillery worker? Note that if you are a distillery worker, I will have to take you hostage. There is also a good chance you'll be thrown into the basement with the fever spiders.
• HOW DO YOU REPLY?
  • You got me, I'm one of Donnie's crew.
    • Barrelchest Mk I: I thought as much. Trying to disguise yourself as a living person to sneak into the distillery won't work - I'm smarter than that, you silly zombie pirate.
    • (Continues below.)
  • Yeah, I'm a distillery worker!
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Pull the other anchor. Clear off and tell Captain Donnie to stop trying to sneak spies in. Mi-Gor is in charge here now.
    • (Continues below.)
  • Neither, I'm Player!
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Player, the scourge of Mi-Gor - [he/she] would not dare to show [his/her] face around here. So, obviously, you are not them.
    • (Continues below.)
  • No I'm a barrelchest in human disguise.
    • Barrelchest Mk I: It's not very convincing human disguise. The face is all wrong for a start.
    • Player: Hey!
    • Barrelchest Mk I: And then there's the misshapen body.
    • Player: I said hey...
    • (Continues below.)
• TRY ANOTHER RESPONSE?
  • Yes.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • No.
    • Player: Hmm, that didn't work.
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Did you just say 'Hmm, that didn't work' right in front of me?
    • Player: Oh, yeah, I'll go do my scheming out of earshot. Bye!

Talking to Captain Donnie

• Captain Donnie: Hey! You!
• Player: Who? Me?
• Captain Donnie: Aye! Ye! Got any more 'rum'? Argh, who am I kidding? Of course ye don't. Mi-Gor and his goons have taken control of the distillery, and sent me ship 'n' crew off ter invade Mos Le'Harmless.
• Player: Why's he done that?
• Captain Donnie: He's trying ter show me who's boss fer one, and he wants ter increase the production of 'rum' so he can turn all the captives into a black stone-controlled invasion force. Apparently, me progress wasn't fast enough, and he found me 'rum'-pumped crabs laughtable. Something's lit a fire under Rabid Jack's plans for global zombification and oh I've said too much.

Talking to Davey

• Davey: Oh, thank goodness! Are you here to help? I need help.
• Player: What's going on here?
• Davey: We were doing fine when it was just Captain Donnie - we were able to produce enough 'rum' to keep his crew, er, happy.
• Player: With your 'rum', more like sedated.
• Davey: But then these two other zombie pirates showed up with these monstrous barrel-chested constructs. At first, it seemed like a good thing. They sent Donnie's ship and crew off somewhere, things quieted down a bit. That is until they stormed the distillery! They took the brewers hostage and are interrogating Captain Braindeath. It was just dumb luck that I was in here at the time. I hid to avoid capture.
• Player: What do they want with the distillery?
• Davey: That's just it, I don't know! Maybe you can sneak to the side window of the office and listen in?

Talking to kitten

• Kitten: The 'rum' must flow.

Listening at the window

First time

• You can just about make out some voices talking in the office.
• Mi-Gor: ...we must know the final ingredient, Captain.
• Captain Braindeath: Never! If I'd have known what you were doing with it I'd have destroyed this distillery!
• Mechanical Murphy: Giles: the Captain here needs some more convincing.
• Bosun Giles: Yes, sir. Time to feed the spiders...
• Giles pushes one of the brewers down the ladder to the fever spiders.
• Brewer: I love you, Sarah!
• Captain Braindeath: You monsters! Leave my brewers alone! They don't know anything.
• Mi-Gor: Precisely why they are expendable! If you'd only tell us your recipe, they will be spared.
• Mechanical Murphy: Just tell us, Braindeath. End your suffering. You've held out long enough.
• Captain Braindeath: I... I... Fine, I'll tell you... It's..
• Captain Braindeath, spotting you peering in the window, looks you square in the eyes as he says...
• Captain Braindeath: Witchwood! The final ingredient is witchwood.
• Mi-Gor: There, that wasn't too difficult now, was it?
• Bosun Giles: What about the rest of the brewers, sirs?
• Mechanical Murphy: Throw them all in.
• Captain Braindeath: What? But I told you the last ingredient!
• Mi-Gor: You are far too trusting. Witchwood is too rare a resource to be the final ingredient, but we will know it, Captain.
• Mechanical Murphy: Giles: you may smash when ready.
• Giles pushes the second brewer down the ladder to the fever spiders.
• Brewer: I died brewing what I love!
• Giles pushes the third brewer down the ladder to the fever spiders.
• Brewer: I like spiders!

Afterwards

• Player: I've heard all I need to. Better not risk getting spotted.

Talking to Davey

First time

• Player: It's Mi-gor and Mechanical Murphy! They're interrogating Captain Braindeath for his recipe for 'rum'. I suspect they plan to brew a vast batch, mix it with some black stone, and use it to turn masses of people into zombies! Mi-Gor coerced him by pushing the brewers into the fever spider pit one-by-one.
• Davey: Oh no, we have to stop them!
• Player: Any suggestion how? Did Braindeath give them anything? That's the odd thing - Braindeath saw me. He looked right at me when he told them the last ingredient was witchwood?
• Davey: Well, that's not right. We don't use witchwood in the recipe. Unless he was giving you a clue... Of course! He was referring to Operation Witchwood! That might just be crazy enough to work!
• (Without space in backpack:)
  • Davey: First off, you'll need to make room for this disguise I made...
• (With space in backpack:)
  • Davey: First off, you'll probably need this... I've been sneaking about for parts to build a makeshift disguise. Figured it'd come in handy.
  • Player receives barrelchest disguise.
  • Davey hands you his makeshift barrelchest disguise.
  • Player: What's Operation Witchwood?
  • Davey: It's a plan the Captain and I hatched to get rid of Donnie and his crew. It's named that because we need to get past 50% Luke, but he won't let us. Recently, we've having issues with 'rum'-pumped crabs escaping from the dungeon on the north of the island. They don't often come out of the dungeon, but when they do, they're drawn to our vats of 'rum'. We figured If we could find a way to lure a load of them out, they'd be attraced to Donnie's 'rum'-soaked reprobates and we'd have an army of crabs on our side to chase them off.
  • Player: I guess it's worth a shot. I'll find a way to get past Luke.
  • Davey: You'll also need to figure out how to soak the pirates in the distillery with 'rum', oh, and also how to blow up the dungeon entrance.
  • Player: What?
  • Davey: Tell you what - if you can find a way to get past 50% Luke, come back here and we'll discuss the finer points of the plan if you need to.

Afterwards

Without disguise

• (Same as above.)

With disguise in backpack

• (Same as above.)

Disguised

• Davey: Looking good! That should be enough to fool the guards at least.

Changing into barrelchest disguise

With follower

• You need to dismiss your follower before wearing the disguise.

Without follower and without space

• There isn't enough room to wear the disguise here.

Without follower and with space

• The screen fades out and back in. The player is disguised.

Talking to Barrelchest Mk I disguised

• Barrelchest Mk I: Aren't you a little bitty for a barrelchest?
• Player: Huh?
• Barrelchest Mk I: I thought all the Mk IIs were destroyed on Bloodsplatter Isle, anyway...
• Player: Er, yeah, they were. I was sent on a mission to the mainland.
• Barrelchest Mk I: Hmm, like that mutinous assassin Mi-Gor sent out?
• Player: Er, no. Definitely not him. So...can I go into the distillery?
• Barrelchest Mk I: Only if you give me the passcode. Challenge: 'You fight like a distillery brewer.' Response: awaiting...
• WHICH RESPONSE WILL YOU GIVE?
  • Your're landlubber, I'm Mk II.
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Incorrect. You may be a superior model, but I am a pirate through and through, just like Bosun Giles.
    • Player: Ha! Through and through. Good one.
    • Barrelchest Mk I: ...
    • Player: You know, because of how he died?
    • Barrelchest Mk I: ...
    • Player: He took a cannonball to the chest...
    • Barrelchest Mk I: ...
    • Player: Never mind.
    • (Continues below.)
  • Oh yeah?
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Incorrect. Also: yeah.
    • (Continues below.)
  • I'm shaking, I'm shaking.
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Incorrect. Perhaps you are malfunctioning.
    • (Continues below.)
  • Boing, fwip!
    • Barrelchest Mk I: Incorrect. What are you, eleven?
    • (Continues below.)
  • (Only after overhearing the passcode from Captain Donnie:)
    • 'How appropriate. You fight like a zombie sea cow.'
      • Barrelchest Mk I: Correct. You may pass.
      • Barrelchest Mk I moves to the centre of the room.
• TRY ANOTHER RESPONSE?
  • Yes.
    • (Same as above.)
  • No.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Talking to Captain Donnie disguised

Before gaining access to the distillery

• Captain Donnie: Urgh, what now? Does Mi-Gor have more orders fer me? More ingredients ter source, perhaps?
• Player: Er, sure... He said to, um...
• GIVE DONNIE SOME FAKE ORDERS?
  • I have come to tell you to leave.
    • Captain Donnie: He wants me ter leave? With what? He sent me ship 'n' crew off ter assault Mos Le'Harmless. An' I ain't swimmin'! Ye tell that sawbones if he wants me ter leave he can call back me ship!
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • (Only after talking to the Barrelchest Mk I in disguise:)
    • Mi-Gor wants to see you right now!
      • Captain Donnie: Yeah, well, I don't want to see him! You can go tell him that I want me ship 'n' crew back, and that I wish he and that Murphy fella would circle the drain! He'll know what I mean.
      • Player: I shall pass on your message to Mi-Gor...
      • (On first time:)
        • Captain Donnie: Actually, don't bother. I wanna tell him right to his ugly mask! Hey, barrelchest! Step aside, ye swabbie cur, I want a word with yer boss!
        • Barrelchest MK I: Only if you give me the passcode. Challenge: 'You fight like a distillery brewer.' Response: awaiting...
        • Captain Donnie: 'How appropriate. You fight like a zombie sea cow.'
        • Screen fades out and back in.
        • Some time later...
        • Captain Donnie: Felt good gettin' that off me chest.
        • Barrelchest MK I: Mi-Gor has barred you from entering, Captain Donnie.
        • Captain Donnie: Worth it!
      • (Afterwards:)
        • Captain Donnie: Fine, seeing I can't tell 'im meself. Just make sure ye include the contempt in me voice when ye tell him.
        • (Shows the previous options.)
  • I've come to join your crew!
    • Captain Donnie: That ye'd willingly mutiny against that mini mouth-breather and his pet grease zombie would bring a smile ter me face, aye... But I'd not willingly take a backstabber fer me own crew - can't be trusted.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Mi-Gor is in need of some witchwood.
    • (Before obtaining 100% Luke's leg:)
      • Captain Donnie: Witchwood? That's an ingredient in the 'rum'? Blimey.
      • Player: Considering what else goes in it, you're suprised by a bit of wood?
      • Captain Donnie: It's not that, just witchwood is really hard to come by is all. Certainly ain't none of this here island. Anyone with half a brain would know how scarce it is, and oh my gosh, he means Luke, doesn't he? If that jumped-up little necrosurgeon thinks I'm gonna chop up me own crew for his experiments...
      • Player: Then that's exactly what you'll do, captain!
      • Captain Donnie: Fine! If those're me orders, then fine, but doesn't expect me ter be liking 'em. Ye wait here.
      • (Without space in backpack:)
        • Captain Donnie: Ye'll need to make space before I can give ye anything.
      • (With space in backpack:)
        • Screen fades out and back in.
        • Player receives 100% Luke's leg.
        • Captain Donnie: There ye go - yer witchwood. Luke's taking a break from guarding the gate.
    • (After obtaining 100% Luke's leg:)
      • Captain Donnie: Yer not getting any more outta Luke!
      • (Without 100% Luke's leg before using one:)
        • Player receives 100% Luke's leg.
        • (Continues below.)
      • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Stand fast, captain.
    • Captain Donnie: Urgh, he sent you out here to order me to keep doing nothing? And here's me thinkin' I couldn't dislike that surgeon sycophant any more than I already did.

After gaining access to the distillery

• (Without 100% Luke's leg before using one::)
  • Player receives 100% Luke's leg.
  • (Continues below.)
• Captain Donnie: I've had enough of you barrelchests. If Mi-Gor's got more orders fer me, he can deliver 'em himself.

Talking to Barrelchest Mk I in the centre of the room

Undisguised

• Barrelchest Mk I: Go join the queue, human brewer. Don't make me smash you.
• Player: Sure, I'll just go do that. Bye!

Disguised

First time

• Player: Nice porthole.
• Barrelchest Mk I: Don't make me report you to HR.

Second time

• (Transcript missing. edit)

Third time

• Player: Nice anchor.
• Barrelchest Mk I: All the better to smash you with.

After the third time

• Player: Nice wheel.
• Barrelchest Mk I: Thanks.
• Player: Doesn't the constant rotating DRVE you nuts?
• Barrelchest Mk I: Nope. This thing hasn't STEERED me wrong yet.
• Player: Oh. Sorry if I SPOKE out of turn.
• Barrelchest Mk I: It's fine, I can HANDLE it.
• Player: You know, you're not sucha bad FELLOE.
• Barrelchest Mk I: Kind of you to say, but don't put me on a PEDESTAL.
• Player: ...
• Barrelchest Mk I: ...
• Player: Nope, I'm out.
• Barrelchest Mk I: Me too.

Talking to Davey

• Player: Okay, 66.6...% Luke is out of the picture and I can access the north of the island.
• Davey: 66.6...% Luke? You know what, never mind.
• (Without access to the distillery:)
  • Davey: You'll still need to gain entry to the distillery somehow. That disguise I gave you should help with that.
  • (Continues below.)
• (With access to the distillery:)
  • Player: I've also gained access to the distillery floor.
  • (Continues below.)
• (Without having soaked the enemies:)
  • Davey: Once inside the distillery, you'll need to figure out a way to soak the pirates inside with 'rum', but not Captain Braindeath if you can help it.
  • (Continues below.)
• (Having soaked the enemies:)
  • Player: Mi-Gor, Murphy and Giles are all 'rum'-soaked, awaiting a good crabbing.
  • (Continues below.)
• (Before finding Baron von Hattenkrapper:)
  • Davey: Finally, you'll need to head to the north of the island and find a way to blow the dungeon entrance.
  • Davey: You should search the north island to see if there's anything to help you with that...
• (After finding Baron von Hattenkrapper:)
  • (Before delivering the barrels of 'rum':)
    • Player: I ran into an old ally who's helped me blow up barrelchests before. They've offered to assist, I just need some explosives.
    • Davey: Good job there's a distillery full of 'rum', then. That stuff is strong enough to blow the doors of a dungeon. If you can nab some barrels from the brewery, I'm sure your friend could make use of them. There'll be some small barrels stored on the upper floor.
  • (After delivering the barrels of 'rum':)
    • Player: We're all set on the bombing front too. The Baron has some explosive 'rum' barrels.
    • Davey: Fantastic! Everything is in place. Head to this Baron friend of yours and let's do this thing!
    • Player: On it. You should probably take cover somewhere just to be safe.

Talking to Barrelchest Giles

Undisguised

• Barrelchest Giles: Wait, didn't I knock you into the spider pit already?
• Player: Hah, must have been someone else, oh wait, is that the time, gotta go, bye!

Disguised

• Barrelchest Giles: What is it, crewman?
• Player: Can I get past, please? I need to talk to Mi-Gor.
• Barrelchest Giles: Entry denied. Only other captains may parley with Mi-Gor. I can pass on a message if you like?
• DO YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FOR MI-GOR?
  • Tell him Player says hello.
    • Barrelchest Giles: Tell Player that Mi-Gor says hello back.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Tell him the invasion failed.
    • Barrelchest Giles: I'm not telling him that, even if it's true...which it can't be.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Tell him Donnie hates him.
    • Barrelchest Giles: Tell Donnie Mi-Gor knows, and that the feeling is mutual.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Tell him my friend likes him.
    • Barrelchest Giles: Do you want me to punch him on the arm too?
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Not really.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Blocking the pressure barrel

Without 100% Luke's leg

• Player: I'm not carrying anything that would get the job done here.

With 100% Luke's leg

First time

• Player: Hey, this leg would bend perfectly around these pipes! That should stuff up the works!
• Player has 100% Luke's leg removed from them.
• The player blocks the barrel.

Afterwards

• Player: There's probably a joke here about being legless...but I can't think of one right now.

Overloading the pressure lever

First time

• Player: Here goes nothing...
• You crank up the pressure.
• You crank some more and the machinery starts to complain...
• You over-pressurise the machinery to the point of breaking!
• The zombie pirates are all soaked in 'rum. Captain Braindeath too, but he's in on the plan, so he should be fine.
• Bosun Giles: Argh!
• Mechanical Murphy: We're covered in 'rum'! It's sticky.
• Mi-Gor: Is this your doing, Braindeath! What are you playing at?
• Captain Braindeath: Don't get CRABBY with me, you 'rum' dandy! This is what you get when you push all my brewers in a pit. This is YOUR fault!
• Player: Right, that's the zombie pirates covered in 'rum'. What was next? Davey will know.

Afterwards

• Player: One soaking should suffice.

Trying to distract 50% Luke

Without disguise

• (One of the following is shown:)
  • (Variant 1:)
    • Player: Hey Luke! Look over there, a three-headed monkey!
    • 50% Luke: And look, by the gate, a one-headed monkey.
  • (Variant 2:)
    • Player: Hey Luke! Look an eagle!
    • 50% Luke: If you'd have saaid albatross or seagull... I still wouldn't have looked.
  • (Variant 3:)
    • Player: Hey Luke! Is that Rabid Jack over there?
    • 50% Luke: Nope. He wouldn't come here himself.
  • (Variant 4:)
    • Player: Hey Luke! That thing by the trees is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
    • 50% Luke: How nice for you.
  • (Variant 5:)
    • Player: Hey Luke! Would you kindly be distracted and look away for a second?
    • 50% Luke: And let you slip through the gate? Nah, I'm good.
  • (Variant 6:)
    • Player: Hey Luke!
    • 50% Luke: Hey, Player. Get the message. I ain't falling for your distractions anymore.tr

With disguise

• 50% Luke: I ain't talking to none of you jumped-up bucket heads. Go aweigh somewhere else.

Talking to 66.6...% Luke

Undisguised

First time

• Player: Hey, Luke, what's up? Everything good with you?
• 66.6...% Luke: Couldn't be better! I've not felt this good in ages!
• Player: But your leg, er...
• 66.6...% Luke: Oh, that. Yeah, the Cap needed it for those schmucks in the distillery. I was reluctant at first, but since giving it up I've been felling more like my old self again!
• Player: But you're still only half you.
• 66.6...% Luke: Yes, but no longer half wood. That witchwood stuff is great and all - a miracle o' nature, to be sure - but you become so reliant on it. I'm now 66.6...% Luke. Or 66.7% Luke for short.
• Player: Why 66.6...% Luke, though?
• 66.6...% Luke: As opposed to?
• Player: I dunno, maybe...2/3rds Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: Nah, the percentage is part of my identity. People might not recognise me if I changed that.
• Player: I have some more name suggestions for you. Want to hear?
• 66.6...% Luke: I guess...
• Player: Mostly Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: More Luke Than Wood?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: Lukey Lukey Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: Deck Hand Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: I'm a bosun.
• Player: R Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: G Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: B Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: Y Luke?
• 66.6...% Luke: I'm not a fighting game character!
• Player: Fluke?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: Lukey Loo?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• Player: Woody?
• 66.6...% Luke: No.
• KEEP GOING?
  • Yes.
    • Player: Argento?
    • 66.6...% Luke: That name's already taken.
    • Player: Luke Crybalker?
    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Highwalker?
    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Eyegawker?
    • 66.6...% Luke: Are there many more like this?
    • Player: Luke Lieporker?
    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Trywalker?
    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Luke Wrytalker?
    • 66.6...% Luke: Urgh, the first three were better.
    • Player: Tree Person?
    • 66.6...% Luke: How very creative of you.
    • Player: Frank?
    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
    • Player: Samantha?
    • 66.6...% Luke: What? Why Samantha?
    • KEEP GOING?
      • Yes.
        • Player: Woodguy Threepbrush?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Treebeard?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Groot?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Major Oak?
        • 66.6...% Luke: That's a military rank.
        • Player: The Old Man?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Whomping Willow?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Mokujin?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Grandmother Willow?
        • 66.6...% Luke: I don't even have kids.
        • Player: Half Bark, No Bite?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • Player: Beechlanding?
        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
        • KEEP GOING?
          • Yes.
            • Player: Lukey Lumber?
            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
            • Player: Willow?
            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
            • Player: Xander?
            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
            • Player: Giles?
            • 66.6...% Luke: There's already a Bosun Giles.
            • Player: Oi Yew?
            • 66.6...% Luke: Who me?
            • Player: Yes Yew?
            • 66.6...% Luke: What?
            • Player: Yew Over There?
            • 66.6...% Luke: Where?
            • Player: It's Behind Yew?
            • 66.6...% Luke: Oh, no it isn't!
            • Player: The Pa-tree-archy?
            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
            • Player: The Tree-umphant?
            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
            • KEEP GOING?
              • Yes.
                • Player: Luke-alyptus?
                • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                • Player: The Sen-tree?
                • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                • Player: The Gatekeeper?
                • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                • Player: The Treemaster?
                • 66.6...% Luke: Oh, we've got a dead one, here? Cute.
                • Player: The Pirate Formerly Known as Luke?
                • 66.6...% Luke: I'm still known as Luke!
                • Player: TPFKAL?
                • 66.6...% Luke: Tapfkal?
                • Player: [Icon]?
                • 66.6...% Luke: As in witchwood icon?
                • Player: Shiver Me Timmmmmmbbbeerrrrrrrrrrrs?
                • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                • Player: T.R.E.E.?
                • 66.6...% Luke: What would that stand for?
                • Player: Mod Oak?
                • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                • KEEP GOING?
                  • Yes.
                    • Player: Mod Beech?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Mod Ash?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: I don't want to be banned for impersonating a tree.
                    • Player: Aspen?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Hawthorn?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Salix?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Sylvan?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Marlow?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Linden?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Forrest Chump?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • Player: Reanimated Copse?
                    • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                    • KEEP GOING?
                      • Yes.
                        • Player: The Lonely Tree?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: Now I'm sad...
                        • Player: Ishmael?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                        • Player: The Anti-Timbo?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                        • Player: Jungle Jim?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                        • Player: Woods Rogers?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: Isn't it Woodes?
                        • Player: William Beech?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                        • Player: Jiminy Thicket?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: I'm a half-real live boy!
                        • Player: Sir Francis Brake?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                        • Player: Black Stone Bart?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                        • Player: Henry Morgan?
                        • 66.6...% Luke: Neither of those first names is 'Luke'.
                        • KEEP GOING?
                          • Yes.
                            • Player: Justin Timberland?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: (Yeah!) But no.
                            • Player: Weald-iam Kidd?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: Ca-Luke-co Jack?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: Long Fen?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: Woody Bones?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: Anne Bonsai?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: Luke McKraken?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: Do you see any alien mindbenders?
                            • Player: Horrorbane?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: The Luke-rax?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • Player: Grover?
                            • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                            • KEEP GOING?
                              • Yes.
                                • Player: Luke?
                                • 66.6...% Luke: No.
                                • (Same as above.)
                              • No.
                                • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
                          • No.
                            • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
                      • No.
                        • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
                  • No.
                    • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
              • No.
                • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
          • No.
            • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
      • No.
        • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.
  • No.
    • 66.6...% Luke: Thank the gods that's over.

Afterwards

• (Same as above.)

Disguised

• 66.6...% Luke: I ain't talking to none of you jumped-up bucket heads. Go aweigh somewhere else.

Opening the gate

• Player: Hey, Luke!
• 66.6...% Luke: If you wanna go through the gate, go through the gate. I don't care anymore. But beware of the seagull.

Investigating the perch rock

• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! (Incoming!)
• Baron von Hattenkrapper lands on the rock.
• Player: Hey, Baron, fancy meeting you here!
• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Well met, Player. This is no mere coincidence. I have been keeping a close eye on your exploits ever since Bloodsplatter Isle.)
• Player: You have? Well, thanks for not decorating my armour, I guess...if you get my meaning.
• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Of course I get your meaning. You aren't as subtle as you imagine.) Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Including how you conspired with my greatest enemy, Count Ludwig Koppenploppen.)
• Player: An arrangement of convenience, nothing more. You know you're my go to gull for blowing stuff up.
• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! Squawk, squawk! (Don't try to talk your way out of this...unless, is there something you want blowing up right now?)
• Player: As a matter of fact, there is. See that dungeon over there? Fancy blowing the doors off? There's some crabs in it for you.
• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (Sweet, delicious crabs, you say?)
• Player: Big, juicy, 'rum'-filled crabs at that.
• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (I'm in!)
• Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (I will, however, need some explosives!)
• (If you don't have the barrels of 'rum' with you:)
  • Player: Cannonballs, coming right up!
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squawk! (No...this job will require a little more finesse.) Squawk, squawk! (The attack vector needs to be horizontal. Bombs from above will not suffice.) Squawk, squawk! (Find me wooden barrels filled with explosive materials. I shall skim them off the water to maximize their impact.)
• (If you have the barrels of 'rum' with you:)
  • Player: Will these 'rum' barrels work?
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! (Perfect!)
  • Player has barrels of 'rum' removed from them.
  • You hand the 'rum'-filled barrels to the Baron.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk! (I am locked and loaded, and ready to go - just give the word!)locked-and-loaded
  • (Without having soaked the enemies:)
    • Player: There's something I need to take care of in the distillery first. I'll be back soon.
  • (Having soaked the enemies:)
    • Player: We're set!
    • UNLEASH THE BARON?
      • Unleash!
        • Screen fades out and in. You're now controlling the baron trying to bomb the dungeon doors open.
      • Not yet.
        • (Dialogue ends.)

Investigating Baron von Hattenkrapper

Before delivering the barrels of 'rum'

• (Same as above.)

After delivering the barrels of 'rum'

• (Same as above.)

Flying out of the area

• Baron von Hattenkrapper never flees from battle!
• The baron turns back.

Missing the entrance

• Player: Not close enough.

Hitting the entrance

First time

• Direct hit! That's 1/3 hits!
• Player: That's a hit!

Second time

• That's 2/3 hits - almost there!
• Player: That's a hit!

Third time

• That's 3/3 hits! Crabs away!
• Player: That's a hit!
• The screen fades out and back in. The camera starts following a southbound crab.
• 66.6...% Luke: Bad crab, bad! Stay back!
• Kitten intermission starts.
• Don't worry, everyone. Luke will be okay. Just enjoy the cute kittens frolicking for a moment.
• Kitten intermission ends. Luke is gone.
• Screen fades out and back in. The crabs attack Captain Donnie.
• Captain Donnie: Avast, ye scurvy devils! Avast!
• Kitten intermission starts.
• I mean, you have to remember these pirates are already dead. They probably don't feel pain. Probably.
• Kitten intermission ends. Donnie is gone.
• Screen fades out and back in. The crabs attack Barrelchest Mk I.
• Barrelchest Mk I: Challenge: Argh. No. Please don't hurt me.
• Kitten intermission starts.
• And even if they do, it's not like they're nice pirates. They are trying to zombify the world.
• Kitten intermission ends. The barrelchest is gone.
• Screen fades out and back in. The crabs attack the Bosun Giles.
• Bosun Giles: Crabs! No, my only weakness!
• Kitten intermission starts.
• Who are you kidding, really? You're a monster and you know it.
• Kitten intermission ends. Giles is gone.
• Screen fades out and back in. The crabs attack the rest of the enemies.
• Mechanical Murphy: This is the end!
• Mi-Gor: I'll get you next time, Braindeath!
• Kitten intermission starts.
• If you think a scene of playful kittens will spare you from MY horror, you are mistaken. Do you really think you can save them, Player?
• Kitten intermission ends. Murphy is gone and Mi-Gor reduced to a talking head.
• Screen fades out and back in. You are now standing in Braindeath's office.

Talking to Captain Braindeath or Mi-Gor

• Mi-Gor: You think, you've won, don't you! This is just a small setback.
• Player: You look pretty defeated to me. There's no BODY to your argument!
• Mi-Gor: Make your terrible puns, it won't help you. We have all the 'rum' we need to start the ascendance of mankind. Enough 'rum' for the serum to infect THOUSANDS of people! Elevating them from their pathetic, mortal forms and towards something greater. Free from the shackles of death and the limitation of the human form. We can be so many different shapes, so many different permutations. Why fight that? Why stand against us? We offer a new future a BETTER future, where death can never touch anyone again.
• Player: You're a zombie for Pirate Pete's sake. You're already dead...and you're decomposing, smell funny and your arm's fallen off. Why would anyone want that?
• Mi-Gor: Makes it much easier to scratch the hard to reach spots on your back...
• Player: I'll pass, thanks. I prefer not to fall apart in a strong breeze.
• Mi-Gor: As if your opinion means anything! You're too late, Rabid Jack already has what he needs! Even now, my factories on Kraken Tooth Island are pumping out vast quantities of the serum. Soon we will...
• Player: Kraken Tooth Island again. Gotcha.
• Mi-Gor: Oh, heck. I meant, er...Bloodsplatter Isle? Murderfang Reef? Skullsplitter Bay?
• Player: We set sail...for Kraken Tooth Island! We'll just need to keep an eye out for giant sea monsters this time.
• The journey to Kraken Tooth Island is fraught with danger. Be sure you are prepared for a tough fight. If you want to prepare more first, you can set sail later by using Madame Shih's rowboat on Mos Le'Harmless.
• ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY?
  • [Set sail...for Kraken Tooth Island.]
    • (Continues below.)
  • [Return to Mos Le'Harmless to prepare.]
    • The player appears in The Other Inn.

Sunken temple

Rowing the rowboat

• The journey to Kraken Tooth Island if fraught with danger that you must face alone (familiars cannot help you). Be sure you are prepared for a tough fight. Come back here when you are ready.
• ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY?
  • [Set sail...for Kraken Tooth Island.]
    • (Continues below.)
  • [Return to Mos Le'Harmless to prepare.]
    • (Dialogue ends.)

On the boat

• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: I still can't see any island anywhere. Just vast emptiness everywhere.
• Brass Hand Harry: Are we sure that zombie head wasn't just lying to us?
• Player: Pretty certain. He seemed really frightened to reveal the information, genuinely afraid for his life. Unlife?
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: But there's nothing here. Nothing at all.
• Brass Hand Harry: Unless...I mean...they're all these weird undead sea devils, right? What if the island isn't...you know...above sea level?
• Ship is getting fired upon.
• Bill Teach: NO!
• Player: What was that noise?
• Bill Teach: Some good friends, heading to Davey Jones's locker.
• Ship is getting fired upon again.
• Player: What's going on?
• Bill Teach: It's Rabid Jack! His fleet just appeared out of nowhere, like it was the mist...and there was something in the water...
• Player: Another one of those squid things?
• Bill Teach: No...something else. Something huge, like hands of black stone...so many hands... HE'S AIMING AT US! BRACE FOR IMPACT!
• Ship is getting pounded by cannonfire.
• Screen fades out and back in. The ship is now a burning wreck with only player on it.
• Player: Where is everyone? Why is everything on fire? I need to get off this ship somehow!

Attempting to dive without the diving gear

• Player: I can't do that yet, I'll drown.

Attempting to dive with the diving gear

• Player: Okay, here goes nothing...

Talking to kitten underwater

Near the first cannon

• Player: Are you real?
• Kitten: Are you?

Near to the second cannon

• Player: How are you breathing underwater?
• Kitten: Have you considered that we're not - that we don't need to?
• Kitten: All drowned pirates dream of breathing.

Near the third cannon

• Player: What is going on here? How did I get here?
• Kitten: Something led you here. Pulled your strings and made you follow.
• Player: Rabid Jack?
• Kitten: That is but the name of one of the strings.

Near the fourth cannon

• Player: What is this place?
• Kitten: This is Ulthven Kreath, or at least a gateway to it.
• Player: That doesn't really answer my question.
• Kitten: No, it does not.

Before the last island

• Player: What's ahead of me here?
• Kitten: Inevitablity.

Next to a cannon barrel on the last island

• Player: You're not really a kitten, are you?
• Kitten: I am not.
• Kitten: But then, you're not really a human either.
• Kitten: Neither of these things matter.
• Kitten: Do you really think you can save them?

Outside the shimmering barrier

• Kitten: Your life is spinning out of control.
• Kitten: Do you suffer from motion sickness, vertigo, epilepsy, seizures or other such conditions?
• DO YOU SUFFER FROM ANY OF THESE?
  • Yes.
    • (Continues below.)
  • No.
    • (Continues below.)
• Player: Be gentle.
• Kitten: Only death is truly gentle.

Rabid Jack fight

Passing through the shimmering barrier

• A strange magic turns the water to air as it enters your mouth. You can breather underwater, but how?
• (Only on first time:)
  • Rabid Jack is talking to Madame Shih who's submerged outside the temple.
  • Rabid Jack: Quite remarkable, miss Shih. You really are quite resilient, aren't you? I've never seen a human hold their breath for so long.
  • Madame Shih: Bah are all you western pirates so uncultured? It's a simple charm.
  • Rabid Jack: Oh, charm you have in abundance, my dear, but I think it's something else, don't you? Perhaps we're not as different as you like to pretend?
  • Madame Shih: I'm nothing like you!
  • Rabid Jack: Ha ha ha. Of course you are. Like me you feel the call of the sea, but deeper than any pirate before. You don't just yearn to sail the seas. You yearn to tame them, to break them and to rule them. I could help you with that you know. I ask only obedience in return, a small price considering.
  • Madame Shih: I'll never serve you!
  • Rabid Jack: Hahaha. So strong a spirit you have, so very strong. It shall be such a delight to break it.
  • Camera switches to the player.
  • Player: Not if I can help it!
  • Rabid Jack: You! You're like the jellyfish sting that I can't get rid of no matter how much I pi-
  • Player: It's over, Jack! No matter what you throw at me, I'll always come back to stop you!
  • Camera switches to Rabid Jack.
  • Rabid Jack: Aye, my little starfish, it seems that way, doesn't it? But then, so far, you've always been up against my agents and my brainless lackeys. I apologise for that. Had I known you would make such an interesting foe I would have given you the respect you deserved... And faced ye myself!
  • Camera switches to the player.
  • Player: I'm not afraid of you Jack. It's just you and me here!
  • Rabid Jack: Oh, how I wish that were true. But you don't understand, do you? We're not alone here. Listen...do you hear? Do you hear it? The song? That terrible, terrible song?
  • Camera pans to the portal.
  • Rabid Jack: Look, Player. Follow the song. Follow it and behold... Witness the terrible truth that we all deny. The darkness isn't empty... It hungers!
  • A black hand emerges from the portal.
  • Camera switches to the player.
  • Player: What the heck was that?
  • Camera switches to Rabid Jack.
  • Rabid Jack: Just a glimpse! A mere fraction of something ancient, something powerful and wonderful! Enough to fracture at least a small piece of your mind. Just enough to hear the song, to create a wedge in your psyche that we can claw open. You'll be mad long before you can defeat me!
  • Camera switches to a 'rum' barrel.
  • Player: You underestimate me. I'll always find a way to beat you!
  • Camera switches to Rabid Jack.
  • Rabid Jack: Let us put that to the test! It's been a delight talking to you, my dear Player.
  • Camera pans to show the whole room.
  • Rabid Jack: But now I'm afraid that it's time for you to join the rest of your crew in Davey Jones's locker!
  • (Continues below.)
• Rabid Jack attacks the player.
• Keep an eye on your Insanity! The higher it gets the worse the effects. Drinking 'rum' will lessen insanity's power, but too much alcohol can be deadly.

Rowing the rowboat

• Are ye prepared to face Rabid Jack, ye swabby cur?
• ARE YE PREARED FER A FIGHT?
  • Aye, that I be!
    • The player is transported outside the shimmering barrier.
  • Nay, belay that order!
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Battle

Passing through the shimmering barrier

With Rabid Jack

• The barrier prevents you stepping through while Rabid Jack is still standing.

Without Rabid Jack

• Player:' I should check on Madame Shih before running off.

Rabid Jack choking you

• Rabid Jack: I will hang you out to dry!

Drinking 'rum'

With Rabid Jack

• You disrupt the encroaching madness with delicious 'rum'.
• (If there are no insanity stacks:)
  • (First time:)
    • Player: Getting a little tipsy here.
  • (Second time:)
    • Player: Wooh, that's *hic* the shtuff!
  • (Third time:)
    • (Getting alcohol poisoning:)
      • You kill yourself through alcohol poisoning.
      • The player is hit for massive damage.
    • (Not getting alcohol poisoning:)
      • Player: *Hic* I don't feel sho*hic* good.

Without Rabid Jack

• Player: I think I'm good thanks.

Being drunk

• (One of the following is occasionally seen:)
  • Player: Awww. Rabid Jacksh. I *hic* love you, man.
  • Player: *Hic*
  • Player: *hic* The Falador Massacre was an *hic* inside job!
  • Player: Hlurghbleffergle
  • (The following are shown in succession:)
    • Player: Oooooooh, seeeeee the little goblin.
    • Player: See*hic*eeeee his little legs,
    • Player: Seeeee *hic* how he shuffles, like a chicken on 'er eggs.
    • Player: Oooh, see the little goblin, isn't *hic* he suuuuuch fuuuuuun,
    • Player: 'Cos the goblin is my beshtest friend, I'm tellin' everyone.
    • Player: Woo! *hic*
  • (The following are shown in succession:)
    • Player: Keep it flowing, *hic* we want more,
    • Player: The great booze of Gielinor.
    • Player: I won't *hic* stop 'til I'm on the floor ! *hic*
    • Player: The great booze of Gielinor.
  • (The following are shown in succession:)
    • Player: Ugh, I hate thish shtuff *hic* I dun wanna *hic* wear it.
    • The player has their equipment removed.

Having high insanity stack

• Madness tears you apart, destroying body and soul.

Rabid Jack performing a powerful attack

• Rabid Jack: I'll grind you into dust!

Rabid Jack regenerating

• Rabid Jack: It's not over yet matey!
• Rabid Jack regenerates and attacks you.

Loosening the ancient chains

With Rabid Jack attacking you

• There's no way you can work this mechanism with Rabid Jack attacking you.

With Rabid Jack on zero health

• The chain loosens and the structure in the centre of the room wobbles ominously.
• Rabid Jack regenerates.

Rabid Jack reaching zero health

First time

• Rabid Jack: FOOL! I am Rabid Jack, I cannot die!

Second time

• Rabid Jack: I am immortal, like the sea!

Third time

• Rabid Jack: The stars are not right! You cannot win!

Fourth time

• Cutscene begins.
• You throw Rabid Jack into the portal which is closed by the stucture falling down on it.
• Cutscene ends. Player is talking to Madame Shih.
• Player: Are you okay?
• Madame Shih: I've seen better days. Rabid Jack...I never expected something so...strange. But he's gone now. You fought well, Player; you'd make an excellent pirate. If you're ever in the Eastern Lands, you'll have to look me up. I'm sure we'll have a good many adventures to discuss. But enough chit chat, let's get out of here.
• Player: But there are so many questions I have about all this!
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • What is this place?
    • Madame Shih: Somewhere ancient. Somewhere long forgotten and with good reason I shouldn't wonder.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • What were those hands?
    • Madame Shih: I am not sure. I sensed tremendous power, but there was a wrongness to it. Like touching fire and it being cold. Whatever it is, it seemed Jack sealed it away with him. Praise the gods for small mercies.
    • Player: That seems too simple a solution.
    • Madame Shih: Oh, no doubt. I'm sure it's just a temporary fix, something like that won't be so easily kept at bay.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Is Rabid Jack dead?
    • Madame Shih: Oh, I doubt it. He's gone for now, that much is certain. But I don't even think he can die anymore. No, I'm afraid we likely have not seen the last of him.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Why all the kittens?
    • Madame Shih: What kittens? What are you talking about?
    • Player: There were kittens everywhere, didn't you see them?
    • Madame Shih: There aren't any kittens, Player. I think you've had too much 'rum'.
    • Player: Or perhaps not enough.
    • (Shows the previous options.)
  • Let's go!
    • Madame Shih: But enough of that, come on, we need to get moving.
    • The screen fades out and back in. You are back on Mos Le'Harmless.

Talking to Madame Shih

• (Same as above.)

Finishing up

Rowing the rowboat

• Player: I need a higher sailing level before I can just row off into the emptiness of the ocean.
• Player: Also, there's nowhere I need to row to right now.

Entering the secret basement

First time

• Player: You're alive! For a moment I thought you were all done for.
• Bill Teach: We're harder to get rid of than that, Player, you should know that by now.
• Brass Hand Harry: Yar, we be tough nuts to crack. Though I can't say I want to be in those waters again any time soon. There were definitely things down there. More than fish and far from human. I swear I caught sight of one of them horrors, but swimming.
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: There's definitely something down there alright.
• Madame Shih: I think that's enough scaremongering for now. We're all out of the water and we're on dry land, and being scared of the sea is quite silly for a pirate.
• Player: You're right. But it's done now, right? Mos Le'Harmless is safe?
• Bill Teach: I think so, Player. At least for now. Rabid Jack's forces have been defeated. Mi-Gor has been decapitated. And you sealed up whatever weird breach was under the Cursed Archipelago. I think we can rest easy for a bit and celebrate with a good drink, or twelve.
• Madame Shih: Don't get too complacent. Rabid Jack may be gone, but he's not dead. It will take time, but I doubt we've really seen the last of him.
• Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Oh, lighten up. There's always the potential of doom and gloom, but right now let's enjoy ourselves.
• Madame Shih: Fiiiine. Well, let's give the credit where it's due. Three cheers for Player, the saltiest of all seadogs!
• (Without six free slots in backpack:)
  • Bill Teach: Wait! Before we do that, you should clear some inventory space, Player. We've got to properly celebrate your victory with some loot.
  • You'll need 6 free spaces to accept your reward.
• (With six free slots in backpack:)
  • Madame Shih: Hip, hip!
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Madame Shih: Hip, hip!
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Madame Shih: Hip, hip!
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Congratulations, quest complete!

Afterwards, or talking to Bill Teach

• (Same as above.)

Post-quest dialogue

Captain Braindeath

• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Talk about Pieces of Hate.
    • Captain Braindeath: Well I don't want to be doing any of that again. Being held hostage by an undead mad scientist isn't exactly fun. Ha ha. The look on his face as those crabs tore him apart. Hilarious! I'm going to look into that black stone effect on the 'rum', maybe a change of recipe will fix that. Don't want people turning into monsters after all.
    • Player: What've you done with Mi-Gor?
    • Captain Braindeath: He's being acclimatised to his headless state by our good friend the zombie head. I hear they're getting on quite well.
  • Talk about something else.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Brass Hand Harry

• Brass Hand Harry: I'm glad all that's over. Can't be letting Rabid Jack turn all me mates into monsters now.
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Where did you go when the ship sank?
    • Brass Hand Harry: No, no no. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about the things down there...
    • (Shows the initial options.)
  • Do you think Rabid Jack is gone?
    • Brass Hand Harry: I dunno. I'd like to say yes, but he's like one of those old ghost stories. I hate ghost stories.
    • (Shows the initial options.)
  • See you around, Harry.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Bill Teach

• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Speak abot Pieces of Hate
    • Bill Teach: Now that Rabid Jack and his minions are dealt with, we can all sit back and relax a bit.
    • Player: HAHAHAHA Relax! What's that?
    • Bill Teach: I think you've earned yourself the right to kick back, have a drink and just be still for a bit.
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • I might give that a go
        • Bill Teach: Aye, you've earned it.
        • (Continues below.)
      • Sounds like XP waste
        • Bill Teach: Time spent enjoying yourself is never time wasted.
        • (Continues below.)
    • SELECT AN OPTION
      • Where did you go when the ship sank?
        • Bill Teach: I went down beneath the waves. There were things down there, horrible things swimming in the waters. It makes me shiver just to think about them.
        • (Shows the previous options.)
      • What was Rabid Jack up to?
        • Bill Teach: It seems that by mixing the 'rum' with that strange black stone, Mi-Gor could transform people into monsters. Monsters under Rabid Jack's control. By taking over the distillery he was going to ship vast quantities of this serum all across the world. Anyone who drank the 'rum', and there be a lot of sailors who won't look at what they're drinking, would become a monster. We'd get complete chaos as his army would just appear in every major port across the world. If we hadn't stopped him when we did, I'm not sure we would have been able to fight against that.
        • (Shows the previous options.)
      • Where's Madame Shih?
        • Bill Teach: She took off really as soon as this was all dealt with. Said she had business off in the Eastern Lands. Something odd about the way she carried herself, like she was distant somehow, distracted. Weird thing is, I saw her loading a chest onto her ship before she sailed off. Weird old thing it was. Covered in barnacles and seaweed, as though it had been on the ocean floor for years. Oh well, probably not important.
        • (Shows the previous options.)
      • See you around, Bill.
        • (Dialogue ends.)
  • Speak about Rocking Out.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Talk about something else.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Cap'n Izzy No-Beard

• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Talk about Pieces of Hate.
    • Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: It's done! It's over with! Rabid Jack will threaten us no more! Thanks, Player. We couldn't have done it without you.
  • Talk about the Agility Arena.
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Davey

Without holy wrench

• Davey: Ello again guv/miss. I take it you're here about the wrench?
• Player: What? The Holy Wrench? But I lost it somewhere...
• Davey: Well guv/miss, maybe thats what I want you to think.
• Player receives holy wrench.
• Davey: There you go. I've kept it nice and holy for you.
• Player: Thanks...

With holy wrench

• Davey: Phew! I'm glad all that's over with. Zombies everywhere, great monsters murdering my friends. Horrible stuff.
• Player: Yet you're still here, in pretty much the same spot?
• Davey: I'm not really a fan of change.

Redbeard Frank

• Redbeard Frank: Arr, Matey!
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • Arr!
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Do you have anything for trade?
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Speak about Pieces of Hate
    • Redbeard Frank: Arrr ye really left me out of all of that? Did ye not be thinking I would have liked to take me knife to Rabid Jack's throat?
    • CHOOSE AN OPTION:
      • Sorry, I forgot.
        • Redbeard Frank: Aye I be forgotten about a lot these days.
        • (Continues below.)
      • We already had enough people
        • Redbeard Frank: Bah, first rule of be'in a pirate, always bring more than ye need.
        • (Continues below.)
      • It wasn't my fault!
        • Redbeard Frank: Aye, but ye didn't say anything about it did ye?
        • Player: I mean I literally had no choice.
        • Redbeard Frank: Bah!
        • (Continues below.)
      • (Only if the player has unlocked the Ravensworn title:)
        • Blame Raven
          • Redbeard Frank: What do ye think I am? An idiot? If I blame him he'll put me on his list!
          • Player: Oh gods!
          • Redbeard Frank: I'm too ginger to die!
          • (Continues below.)
    • Redbeard Frank: Arrr but there be no point in holding a grudge o'er this. Was it at least a glorious battle?
    • Player: It was very strange, there was 'rum' involved and kittens all over the place.
    • Redbeard Frank: Kittens?
    • Player: Yeah I'm not sure I get it either.
    • Redbeard Frank: Strange tales indeed. Go on, be off with ya. I've got pirating to be doing.
    • Player: See you around cap'n.
  • About the Task System...
    • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Sitting on the chair in Harpoon Joe's House of 'Rum'

• Joe: What'll it be?
• SELECT AN OPTION
  • A Long Drop.
    • Player: A Long Drop.
    • Joe: Sorry, lad, I think you've had enough of those. I'm cutting you off.
  • Er, nothing?
    • Player: Er, nothing?
    • Joe: Then stop tryin' te take up me table space!

Rowing the rowboat

• RETURN TO ULTHVEN KREATH?
  • Yes.
    • The player appears underwater.
  • No.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Deciphering murals

Thieving mural

Without meeting requirements

• (Transcript missing. edit)

Meeting requirements

• Player: This mural depicts dragonkin performing some sort of ritual.
• Player: There's a name mentioned: Kranon. However, it's crossed out and surrounded by multiple crude carvings of the dragonkin word 'Vek'.
• Player: Then there's some other words: 'Kranon Cras Roake Pthen'.

Agility mural

Without meeting requirements

• To decipher this mural requires 85 Agility and to have deciphered the previous mural.

Meeting requirements

• Player: This mural depicts black hands grabbing at the dragonkin.
• Player: I think Kranon is the one being dragged away, and is that other dragonkin maybe dying?
• Player: There are more words written beneath the mural: 'Kreath Lac Roakin...Drakkerkin Skek...'

Firemaking mural

Without meeting requirements

• To decipher this mural requires 85 Firemaking and to have deciphered the previous mural.

Meeting requirements

• Player: This mural shows a dragonkin burning other, strange-looking dragonkin with its fire breath.
• Player: The words below this mural are: 'Skekkin Kath Rath! Kranon Roakin Rak.'

Construction mural

Without meeting requirements

• To decipher this mural requires 85 Construction and to have deciphered the previous mural.

Meeting requirements

• Player: This final mural just depicts rubble...destruction... I can't quite make it out.
• Player: There's only a few words I can still read here: 'Vek... Skek... Chen... Ulthven... Fia...'

Teleporting with Big Book o' Piracy

With ability to teleport

Away from Pirate Pete

• Pirate Pete comes and smacks the player.
• Player: Ow!
• The player is teleported to the selected destination.
• (If the source location was one of the islands or Port Sarim:)
  • Due to the 'rum'-fueled nature of your teleport, the book does not use a charge.
• (If the source location wasn't one of the islands or Port Sarim:)
  • Your book loses a charge.
  • (With three or more charges left:)
    • Your book has [number] charges left.
  • (With two charges left:)
    • Your book has 2 charges left. Consider getting more Braindeath 'rum'.
  • (With one charge left:)
    • Your book has 1 charge left. Consider getting more Braindeath 'rum'.
  • (With no charge left:)
    • Your book has 0 charges left. Consider getting more Braindeath 'rum'.

Near Pirate Pete

• Pirate Pete: That spell won't work here. You need to walk away until you can't see me.
• Player: Why?
• Pirate Pete: There's too much magic interference in this particular area. Could make your head explode!
• Player: Wow! Thanks for the warning!

Without ability to teleport

• Your book has run out of charges. You can recharge it by drinking some Braindeath 'rum'.

Historical dialogue

Until 13 February 2023

Talking to Philop before learning about the hideout

• Player: Hi there.
• Philop: Hel-lo?
• Player: Your mother tells me that you've found another kitten!
• Philop: Kit-ten?
• Player: Small cat. Cute and cuddly?
• Philop: Cute and cuddle?
• Zombie pirate head: Look, kid, have you seen a stray cat or what?
• Philop: Cat? Like at the saw-mill?
• Player: Of course that's where it is. Why didn't I just go straight there?
• Zombie pirate head: Am I missing something?
• Player: Symmetry. Never mind, come on, we're off to the sawmill.