Dialogue for Miss Schism

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  • Miss Schism: Oooh, my dear, have you heard the news?
    • Ok, tell me about the news.
      • Miss Schism: Well, there's just too much to tell at once! What would you like to hear first: the vampire, the bank or the battlefield?
        • Tell me about the vampire.
          • Before Vampire Slayer
            • Miss Schism: It's terrible, absolutely terrible! Those poor people!
            • Player: What is terrible?
            • Miss Schism: Why, the attacks!
            • Player: A vampire is attacking people?
            • Miss Schism: Yes, haven't you been listening?
            • Miss Schism: And no one is lifting a finger to do anything about it. Well, that new couple, Morgan and Maris, they think we should find a vampire slayer, but I'm not sure I trust them.
            • Miss Schism: They aren't local.
          • After Vampire Slayer
            • Miss Schism: Well, there's nothing to tell NOW. You killed it.
            • Player: You could sound a little grateful.
            • Miss Schism: I'm sure I could, but I don't see why. The vampire wasn't bothering me.
            • Player: ...
        • Tell me about the bank.
          • Player: What about the bank?
          • Miss Schism: It's terrible, absolutely terrible! Those poor people!
          • Player: Ok, yeah.
          • Miss Schism: And who'd have ever thought such a sweet old gentleman would do such a thing?
            • (If the player has not spoken to the bank guard before:)
              • Player: I really don't know what you're talking about.
              • Miss Schism: Oooh, my dear, had you not heard?
              • Player: At this rate I don't think I want to know...
              • Miss Schism: Oh, you must quickly go and speak to the bank guard outside the bank. He'll tell you all about it, oooh, such a shock it was...
              • Player: ...
            • (If the player has spoken to the bank guard and watched the recording:)
              • Player: Are we talking about the bank robbery?
              • Miss Schism: Oh yes, my dear. It was terrible! TERRIBLE!
              • Miss Schism: But tell me - have you been around here before, or are you new to these parts?
            • I'm quite new.
              • Miss Schism: Aah, perhaps you missed the excitement. It's that old man in his house here. Do you know him?
                • (If the player has not spoken to the Wise Old Man before:)
                  • Player: I haven't spoken to him yet.
                  • (Continues as below)
                • (If the player has spoken to the Wise Old Man before:)
                  • Player: Well, I've spoken to him.
                  • Miss Schism: When he first moved here, he didn't bring much. From the window you could see he just had some old furniture and a few dusty ornaments.
                  • Miss Schism: Here, look at this picture:
                  • You look at the picture...
                  • Cutscene ensures
                  • Miss Schism: Also, he always seemed so poor. When I went round to collect donations for the Draynor Manor Restoration Fund, he couldn't spare them a penny!
                  • Player: So he's redecorated?
                  • Miss Schism: Well, just you look in there now!
                  • Cutscene ensues
                  • Miss Schism: You see? It's full of jewellery and decorations! And all those expensive things appeared just after the bank got robbed.
                  • Miss Schism: He changed his hat too - he used to wear a scruffy old black thing, but suddenly he was wearing that party hat!
                    • (If the player has completed Love Story:)
                      • Miss Schism: He's got that horrible woman in there too. I know her type. I'll bet you they're up to no good.
                      • (Continues as below)
                    • (If the player has not completed Love Story:)
                      • Player: So that's why you're telling people he was the bank robber?
                      • Miss Schism: Oh, my dear, I'm SURE of it! I went upstairs in his house once, while he was out walking, and do you know what I found?
                      • Player: A sign saying 'Trespassers will be prosecuted'?
                      • Miss Schism: No, it was a telescope! It was pointing right at the bank! He was spying on the bankers, planning the big robbery!
                      • Miss Schism: I bet if you go and look through it now, you'll find it's pointing somewhere different now he's finished with the bank.
                      • Player: I'd like to go now.
                      • Miss Schism: Oh, really? Well, do keep an eye on him: I just KNOW he's planning something.
            • I've been around here for ages.
              • Miss Schism: Ah, so you'd seen the changes here. It's that old man in this house here. Do you know him?
                • (Continues the same as per the other option).
            • I've had enough of talking to you.
              • Miss Schism: Maybe another time, my dear.
        • Player: Tell me about the battlefield.
          • During the Battle of Lumbridge
            • Miss Schism: Have you seen the battlefield! Saradomin and Zamorak are fighting over to the east!
            • Miss Schism: I can't believe what they're doing to the tourist trade! Soldiers everywhere and spells flying over the town.
            • Miss Schism: I can't believe someone hasn't done something about it!
          • After the Battle of Lumbridge
            • Miss Schism: Yes, it's a great tourist attraction. It proves our little village is important.
    • Who are you?
      • Miss Schism: I, my dear, am a concerned citizen of Draynor Village. Ever since the Council allowed those farmers to set up their stalls here, we've had a constant flow of thieves and murderers through our fair village, and I decided that
      • Miss Schism: someone HAD to stand up and keep an eye on the situation.
      • Miss Schism: I also do voluntary work for the Draynor Manor Restoration Fund. We're campaigning to have Draynor Manor turned into a museum before the wet-rot destroys it completely.
      • Before Vampire Slayer
        • Player: Right...
      • After Vampire Slayer
        • Player: Well, now that I've cleared the vampire out of the manor, I guess you won't have too much trouble turning it into a museum.
        • Miss Schism: That's all very well dear, but no vampire was ever going to stop me making it a museum.
    • I'm not talking to you, you horrible woman.
      • Miss Schism: Oooh.