Transcript:Letters are read, postbag is due
It was added on 14 February 2011.
The Weird Old Man - you know, the one who's fascinated by the kalphites - once told me that 'All you need is love'. Well, I tried that for a week and let me tell you what happened: I got 173 complaints from postal customers, a few bodily dysfunctions that I didn't know I was capable of, and irate letters from my mum, asking why I've not been visiting her. So, what have I learned? Never listen to weird old men in the desert, especially if they are beetle fans.
Dragon juice here, Troll eye there, being apart from you I cannot bear.
Every time I see you, you make my soul leap;
Wise Old Man, will you be mine to keep?
For all the sins you've done, I do not care,
So, be my Valentine and I will not share.
Roses are dead,
Violence is due,
Steer clear of Dissy,
Or I'll run you through.
(The following poem was written to a tormented demon. Merlintux1, you are a strange individual! Be advised that the tormented demon wrote the letter while in a never-ending cycle of fire and healing. That makes him a little prone to moodswings... - PP)
A girl likes to see muscles on a man,
With you I see a whole bunch of them.
Your sturdy shoulders and obvious spine,
Oh, if you could only be mine...
I imagine how I'd like our relation best:
It's when your claws press me to your chest.
Your flaming eyes, your intimidating glower,
and let's not forget your incredible power.
But every time I ask to date you one day,
You set off in a rage and try to fight me away.
You're really not much of a speaker,
Which makes me even more eager.
And though you might think I'm just a liar,
You think wrong cause your brain is on fire.
I tell you the moment I laid eyes on you,
You set me on fire through and through.
I keep trying to get to the core,
But keep ending up as debris on the floor.
And every time when I'm burning away,
I realize that only my pile of ashes will stay.
You torment me every time with your rejection,
Cause I'm desperate for your love and affection.
I'll try something different this time,
And just ask you to be my Valentine.
My strongest muscle is my heart,
WHICH PUMPS MY ACID BLOOD THROUGH VEINS!
Your lovely prose gave me a start,
IN LETTING UP MY ENDLESS PAIN!
It's hard for me to accept love,
'COS PEOPLE KILL ME FOR MY DROPS!
But to spend time with you, my dove,
I'D SQUEEZE THEM 'TIL THEIR FOREHEAD POPS!
You see the love I hold inside,
MY RIBS EXPOSED, MY FLESH IS FLAYED,
That Lucien's the one who'll die,
YET ENDLESSLY, MY DEATH DELAYED!
I am a bit misunderstood,
BECAUSE I TEAR OFF HUMAN LIMBS!
I truly just want to be good,
BUT I CAN'T HELP MAIMING ON A WHIM!
YOU CAN'T TRUST ME, GET THEE AWAY!
And leave me to my tortured fate,
OR ELSE IT'S YOU THAT I WILL SLAY!
My longed-for Valentine’s Day date.
Phentes the Tormented!!!1
In the wilderness of Gielinor,
Lived a beauty by the name of Ele,
Her tentacles wisp and hasteful,
Her eyes seering and graceful.
Exquisitely she would waft,
Down the aisles of four and nine,
Slaying all those who dared cross path,
Not even a revenant could withstand.
Ele spoke in tongue twisters,
Even Reldo shan't understand,
Scrying the content of the future she would do,
That even Mod Mark could not do.
O Chaos Elemental, Mel-ona the Scale,
I ask to you,
Will you be my Valentine?
From your loving companion,Moe Is 4210
O, Moe is me!
Moshort Karma went, a story long and fraught
Others set up tents, in the halls they fought;
One of the many cursed, to tell tales of their lives;
In which you'll become versed, by seeing through their eyes.
Divine, she comes to moonlit shores;
Stolen as her father snores;
Restlessly she wails and roars;
Spells to those who help her cause.
Gold to half magnesium, at oxygen, half sodium,
Carbon monoxide, sulphur, half manganese. I see
Carbon, hydrogen, a oxygen, half scandium
Argon, molybdenum, you are half antimony.
There once were a series o' quests,
Full o' cutlasses 'n' stripy vests,
It's gettin' another,
Yer'll go undercover,
In a fact'ry o' b...
O, a Leech Laments!
Methinks it strange a human could love a goblin, but love knows no bounds! So, I wrote you a love poem:
Smellytoes, oh smellytoes, the greenest goblin in the land.
Smellytoes, oh Smellytoes, I want you to be my lvl 3 man.
Smellytoes, oh Smellytoes, it's amazing how much you can drink.
Smellytoes, oh Smellytoes, I don't mind that you don't think.
Smellytoes, oh Smellytoes, I think you are very fine.
Smellytoes, oh Smellytoes, please say you will be mine!
So, there you have it, I wrote down my feelings just for you!
P.S. How does goblin marriage work?
I 'as written to you in words that sound like other words, but ain't. I 'ave been told dat dis is called 'ryming':
Greasycheeks, oh Cheesygreeks, quick an' 'urry wiv da chicken.
Greasycheeks, oh Creasygeeks, it's lookin' finga-lickin'.
Creakyknees, oh Cheapyfees, don't be grim an' whiny.
Creakyknees, oh Creepypeas, put chicken on da shiny.
Nakoma, oh Nakoma, me very speshul mate.
Nakoma, oh Nakoma, let's go on a dinna date.
'Cos you not goblin, you gotta take goblin name first. Try summat like Sillyface or Hairyarms - that suit most humans.
Zanik, my precious, my closest friend,
We've been through a lot, and gone through to the end.
This poem for you, I have written to admire,
I can't sing or dance, nor play this on a lyre.
I can't heal emotional wounds or scars,
Though I know, together, we can slay Bandos avatars.
Your destiny was changed, quite suddenly too;
Though it still doesn't mean I can comfort you.
I hope asking this doesn't cross the line:
Can we be more than friends this Valentine?
Dear Jikkir Jay,
Wow. I had no idea you felt that way.
I'm trying to find the best way to say this, so you'll understand. I don't know if this will make sense, I'm not sure if it even makes sense in my head, but I know what I've got to do and I've got to explain it to you so here goes.
Right now I'm sitting on top of a high cliff next to the ocean, and the sun's coming up. Every time I look at the sun, I think of you. You first showed it to me, the sky and the sun, and I'll always remember that. You showed me the surface, we went on this marvellous adventure, we did more than I could have imagined possible, and I'll always remember that.
And I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel something for you. Back when we were about to face Bandos, when we were standing by the portal about to go through, a part of me really wanted to grab you and kiss you. But I thought that was crazy, I'd just had an evil god inside my head and I thought I was going to die and I wasn't thinking straight and so in the end I didn't do anything. But now it seems maybe you wanted me to, and now I have to tell you I can't, and I'm sorry, and I have to try to explain.
It's like...all the time we were adventuring together, it was all about you. You know? You were the hero, and I was the sidekick. I kept getting into trouble and you kept rescuing me. Even at the end, when we defeated Bandos, I got knocked out and you finished it alone. And in a way I kind of resent that. I wish I'd done it myself.
I don't want my whole life to be like that. I want to prove to myself that I can be an adventurer in my own right, be a hero, not just someone's sidekick, not even yours. So that's why I'm travelling alone right now, and I'm not looking for any travelling companions or any kind of serious relationship.
I hope you understand.
Still, I'll always think of you when I look up to the sun.
Ask Poyson[edit | edit source]
I've had romantic troubles in the past, and my dear Aunt Poyson has always been on hand to help a lovelorn head. She's helped me to avoid an abyssal stalker, got me a rather confusing date with The Oracle, and taught me all about the terrorbirds and the bees. I've asked her to help out with a few common romantic problems this Valentines: perhaps she can help you too - PP
I’ve always had a weakness for bad guys, but this time I’m really in hot water. I’ve fallen horns over tail for the lesser demon in the Wizard’s Tower and I don’t know what to do. It breaks my heart to see him attacked by cowardly mages all day long; I’d give anything to protect him from the constant barrage of Wind Strikes. I don’t know what he did to deserve being locked up in a drafty tower, but I’d love to give his captors a piece of my mind. Is there any hope for our romance? I think he likes me, but demons are so flamin’ hard to read.
Yours in desperation,Mageh8er666
Don’t despair! Only 8 out of 10 demon-human relationships end in fiery death, so there’s a fighting chance that you could survive this romance. Ask yourself one thing – if the cage was not there, would you still love this lesser demon? If you think you would, I advise you to train your telekinetic grabbing-magic skills until you are strong enough to yoink him straight out of the cage!
What are the women of Gielinor really looking for in a man? I've been a lone adventurer for many years now, but I feel it is time to settle down somewhere peacefully and do some farming, maybe make some potions or something like that. I need a companion to share my retirement, but I'm having no luck with impressing the ladies. Do you have any tips?
Ah, I hear this question often. So many men have no time for romance in their youth, preferring to run off and slay defenceless cows and chickens instead. By the time they realise how lonely they are, it's too late: most of the women have fallen for friendly smithing apprentices or farm hands.
All is not lost, however! A good friend of mine has established a successful match-making service for ex-adventurers; she brings together tired warriors from both genders and sets up special evenings for like-minded souls to get to know each other. The Ex-Adventurers Anonymous are organising a speed dating session (gain additional XP for a full lap: mint cakes supplied) in the Blue Moon Inn at 7pm on the 1st Raktuber. I recommend wearing your best armour (no bunny/chicken/grim reaper outfits allowed) and prepare to meet the partner of your dreams. The price is 5,000gp per session. This is non-refundable in the event of disappointment.
Break a leg!
I’m no hypochondriac, but I can't help being worried about a large red and orange rash that recently appeared all over my back. It's not painful, but the blistering is so severe that it looks like my back is burning! Is there a special cream for this, or are my days numbered?
Please respond soon; my fiancee is refusing to see me until I get my back checked out...
Hmmm, well there's no smoke without... Wait, that could be it! Have you been to the Fight Caves recently? Any vague memories of fighting off wave-after-wave of hideous beasts before conquering TzTok-Jad in a brutal match to the death? Ringing any alarm bells? It sounds as though you're simply wearing your fire cape; to be absolutely sure, spin round 360 degrees very quickly - is this blistered back now burning your face?
If you're not wearing a fire cape, I'm very sorry. Luckily for you, I know a supplier of Bustin Tinderdrake's 'Smexy Back' - a special ointment that can cure even the most fiery rashes. I've enclosed a vial for your use. Known side effects of the ointment include spontaneous dancing and an irrational dislike for the famous bard, Whitney Drears.
I hope you'll be back in action again soon, my dear.
P.S. You owe me 10,000gp for the ointment. I accept TokKul if gp is not viable for you.
|Characters mentioned in the letters|