Transcript:Grumpy mermaids and sleepy dragons.
It was added on 5 September 2012.
In this edition we’ve got a very sleepy dragon, a talkative mahjarrat and a dastardly penguin. There's also a rather confused mermaid and a highwayman who is putting up with more than he probably should.
Why do I laugh? Why do you think I laugh you weird two-legged creature. Not only have you decided it a good idea to chase some stale cow milk formed into a wheel down a hill, but most of you seem to do it in a particularly clumsy way! Pah! And you choose to question my name? It's simply ludicrous the various names you land-dwellers choose to call yourselves! Take olafsoldier1, it's not even pronounceable. Or Simorgh. What were they dreaming when they thought that one up! And don't even get me started on your name, Finalchapter. What's that all about? I don't know if I could ever understand you human-beings.
Why do you keep up with what you do? It’s not like you actually succeed at your job. You are just a source of black capes and bones. You’re total failures. You just stand around, yell "stand and deliver" and die. If I were you, I’d quit. And by the way, how come you are all in uniforms? Are you an organisation or something? Because you seem like poor dudes who turned to thievery.
Shh olafsoldier1, keep it down! If Dirk finds out I’m talking to you we’ll both be in it.
Aww who am I kidding? It’s not like we’re a secret organisation or anything. If you must know, we’re a union of highwaymen under the leadership of Dirk Turnip.
Things aren’t exactly great. Dirk thinks he’s amazing and that he leads by example and all that. We’re all a bit upset that he just sits there while we do all the hard work holding up unsuspecting newcomers. He doesn’t even bat an eye when we come back to base beaten and bruised; he just scoffs his face with the fruits of our efforts. And when we ask for more training, weapons, anything to defend ourselves; he laughs!
Sure, most of us aren’t happy with the way things are going but do we really want to risk going back to a normal life with our criminal records? And the only other option is going back to Robin. But with those form-fitting tights, hideous hats and a life under the trees getting rained on all the time I think I speak for all the highwaymen when I say that just sounds nasty. So we’ll stay... with a highway code that get us beaten up every day.
Jeremy Louis “The Lesser of Two Evils” Shawaver
P.S. Our uniforms are about the only bonus we have. Don’t you think they make us look the part?
I was recently reading some of your... errhm father's notes. You may know him by the name Kerapac. In his notes it was implicitly stated that the second, and far weaker attempt at making a new kind of Dragonkin, the King Black Dragon, and yourself were allowed to breed. That being said, his notes also called you the mother of the dragons as we, the humans know. So I ask you, why the different colors in dragons? Both you and your male counterpart are black scaled, one would assume that all of your offspring would be black.
Furthermore, what ever became of ol' Kerapac? Did he give into his rage? I fear only you may be able to answer these questions.
Two final questions, one, why accept living in a flooded cave? Why not a cave in the mountains surrounded by various treasures, like dragon stereotypes? And two, How's it feel to be the strongest monster in all of Gielinor?
Your constant wake up call,
[Dictated from the Queen herself. She's some way from being a morning dragon, but she was lucid and even laughed at my attempts to roll out of the way of her fire waves - PP]
When your dreams present themselves as memories, and your memories as nightmares, it's hard to get at the marrow of reality. But I will try, if only to enjoy a brief moment outside of sleeping and killing.
The King Black Dragon was promising, being sane of mind and separate from the Kin's curse. But he was given to petulance, and our children were beasts. So, Kerapac took the King away and more suitors were grown, born, made - I didn't know the process. Kerapac's source diluted, and the matches he presented to me came in many colours and forms - green, blue, cold, metal, skeletal - but none of them continued the Kin's line. Since my likeness never passed to my progeny, I knew the fault was mine - that my blood was weak - but Kerapac never blamed me.
Still, he did abandon me. Kerapac was the one who put me to sleep, decades or centuries ago. He breathed fire on his books and robes, and left with six of the Kin. They looked at me as if I were an abomination, and I attempted a glare of hatred as my eyelids drooped.
[The Queen's growling. She looks distraught, poor thing - PP]
I'll let you into a secret, Simorgh. Every time I wake, my first thought is that my Father has returned. It's pathetic, is it not? I should be angry, but any anger I have swells into fire and is loosed on the trespasser, which, it seems, is often you. I would apologise, but you must get something from the experience, or why would you keep returning?
[After a little prompting - PP]
Oh, I missed some questions? I see. They're easy to answer: I have been kept in a flooded cave because I was to be kept secret and kept cool until I became useful (the furnace in my belly needs tempering). It is also where my Father grew me. And how do I feel about being the mightiest monster in all of Gielinor? Sleepy, ever so sleepy...
Do you own the McGrubor woods?
And why do you hand out these Wicked hoods for free?
Your friendly neighbourhood quester,
Hi there! Great to hear from you!
I don’t own the McGrubor’s Wood. I did live there for a while. It was GREAT.
The Wicked Hood is just my way of saying THANK YOU to all the SARADOMINISTS who make Asgarnia such a WONDERFUL place to live. Thanks Saradominists! You’re WICKED!
As a friend and ally, i thought you might be able to help answer a few questions i had about the Mahjarrat. What was it like back on Freneskae? Is it really as a hellish and brutal place as the other Mahjarrat describe? Are there any Mahjarrat still in Freneskae?
Do you know why Kharshai did not attend the last ritual?
Your friend and ally,
Dear Dragon kin,
It's good to talk without a disguise! I'm no Sliske - I've got no skills in misdirection and disguises - so it's refreshing to talk frankly. I can spare some time to answer your questions, and, my word, there are quite a few of them...
The Mahjarrat will probably give you differing perspectives of Freneskae. Zamorak talked about it all the time, cursing the order and balance of Gielinor. Sliske had a better grasp on the Shadow Realms of Freneskae than he does here. No doubt, he'd give you a good account of Freneskae. As for me? It was different. Our birthplace had you battling the elements, the thick magical currents, the migrating beasts. It could reduce a Mahjarrat to tears, pounding the slate ground with your fists. But here - while the world is kinder (or more malleable, if you're of that mind) - the lack of an opponent makes Mahjarrat fight one another. We are creatures of Freneskae, and we live for the even fight. That fight just has to be with each other.
No Mahjarrat remain on Freneskae, as far as I am aware. We came here together, promised the spectacle of great battles and sport. Kharshai was the most visibly excited by the prospect of Gielinor (many of the weaker Mahjarrat were), yet he was quick to disappear. His neutrality has likely saved him: without the potential of being a friend or enemy, few have searched for him. But, there is a ritual in the future with his name on it - once the Zamorakian lifeblood is felt in my veins, of course.
After being tricked or betrayed by you too many times, it got me to wondering... Why are you so evil? Most villains have some backstory, but not you. What happened so long ago that makes you want to take over the world? I will find you,
KorekorehaP.S. I would appreciate it if you gave Larry back. Chuck is really nice, but Larry was sort of a friend and he probably forgot his jacket.
We would have got back to you sooner, but flipper-friendly methods of replying are difficult to come by...for now. Plus we get so much fan mail, and I had two peng friends who were due a reply.
I'd like to begin by thanking you for your interest. I trust we can rely on your cooperation when we enslave and/or kill your entire race.
To the matters at hand: we here at the KGP are committed to many things, be it a good pension scheme, life insurance or world domination. We always aim to deliver on our promises. Ever since my father founded this agency, we have been committed to our traditionalist values of destroying mankind and casual-dress weekends.
With this in mind, you should not worry; we have a plan...sort of... maybe. If you would like more information on our plans for world domination, or any our new KGP Timeshare Schemes, an infopack can be provided.
With regards to Larry, feel free to come and retrieve him at your leisure, although you may find he has adapted better than expected.
Yours with the deepest lack of respect, Pescaling Pax
P.S Pensions/Timeshares/Life Insurance are for PENGUINS ONLY P.P.S I lied about having infopacks...there are no infopacks
For a long time I have admired your incredible fighting skills. Your strength and toughness are truly legendary and I hope someday to fight against the Queen Black Dragon with you.
I have one small question for you. Underneath your armour, what race are you? Are you a gnome? A human? An elf? A dwarf? Are you perhaps a Vampire who uses the armour to avoid the sun? A werewolf? A demon? Or are you perhaps living armour, a being like the ancient golems of the desert cities and your armour is your true body?
I did not intend to offend with my questions. I merely ask as one warrior to another.
Thank you for your time reading my letter,
You haven't offended me. If you had, you would be dead. You are asking questions when your actions will always speak louder. Talking solves nothing. And, when it comes to the Queen Black Dragon, she will be strong, maybe too strong for you, but she can't hide from the Raptor. None can.
You want to know what I am underneath the armor? I will tell you. I am a warrior, nothing more, nothing less. Race or creed is irrelevant, and I have no time to answer questions. The Queen is waiting for me, and for her end. It would be rude to make her wait. If I were you, I would stay out of my way this time.
|Characters mentioned in the letters|