Transcript of Evil Dave's Big Day Out

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Contents

Getting Started[edit | edit source]

Helping Dave[edit | edit source]

  • Evil Dave: Welcome to my BASEMENT OF DOOM!
  • Select an option
    • 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'.
      • Evil Dave: Oh, hi there Player. What are you doing here?
      • Select an option
        • I was looking for a quest.
          • Evil Dave: Oh, I don't have time for quests right now.
          • (Continues below.)
        • I just came to hang out.
          • Evil Dave: You did? Why? I mean... thanks! But I don't have time to hang out right now.
          • (Continues below.)
    • General chat.
      • (Non-quest dialogue.)
  • Player: Why not?
  • Evil Dave: Haven't you heard?
  • Player: Heard what?
  • Evil Dave: The news!
  • Player: What news?
  • Evil Dave: The news. The big news! The MOST IMPORTANT news you've EVER HEARD in your LIFE!
  • Player: That does sound important. What is it?
  • Evil Dave: Zamorak has returned to Gielinor!
  • Player: Oh, that? That happened ages ago.
  • Evil Dave: I've sent him so many postcards! But he hasn't replied to any of them... I was thinking about conducting a RITUAL OF ULTIMATE DOOMLY EVIL to attract his attention! Oh, maybe you could help me with that. What do you say? Are you in?
  • Player: In what world could I possibly want to do that?
  • Evil Dave: I thought your job was helping people!
  • (Quest Overview interface opens.)
    • Not Right Now
      • Evil Dave: How ever will I impress the INCREDIBLY EVIL LORD ZAMORAK without you?
    • Accept Quest
      • Evil Dave: Good! I'm glad you've decided to help me MAKE MY WILL REALITY!
      • Player: Shall we get on with it then?
      • Evil Dave: Yes. I don't have long before mum will be after me about the chores. I don't want to get grounded again.
      • Player: Chores?
      • Evil Dave: You don't want to know. You're better off not knowing, believe me. It must be a grand life, being an adventurer, never having to do chores.
      • Player: I don't know, some of these quests feel like-
      • Evil Dave: What was that?
      • Player: Nothing. What is it we're doing?
      • Evil Dave: Oh, that's right!
      • Player receives Dave's spellbook (Evil Dave's Big Day Out).
      • Dave hands you an untidy looking book.
      • Evil Dave: The TOME of UNSPEAKABLE EVIL VILITUDE! Within it is the incantation you must speak during the ritual. But beware! Should you misspeak but a single syllable, the consequences could be catastrophic indeed!
      • Player: I'll try to bear that in mind. What does the ritual do, anyway? Assuming, of course, that I can manage not to misspeak but a single syllable.
      • Evil Dave: It's a ritual of ultimate doomly doom! The most evil ritual ever performed!
      • Player: I get that. What does it actually do?
      • Evil Dave: Do? Why, it... I suppose it brings forth doom! Doomly doom! Evil doom! Why don't we try it and find out?
      • Player: Why not? What's the worst that could happen?
      • Screen fade out/in. Cutscene begins. The player and Evil Dave face each other on the opposite sides of a badly drawn pentagram.
  • Evil Dave: I'll sacrifice the spell components, then you join me in speaking the words of power.
  • Player: Dave, your handwriting is terrible.
  • The player reads from Dave's spellbook.
  • Evil Dave: Silence! The ritual commences!
  • Evil Dave: BLOOD OF A HELL RAT!
  • Evil Dave performs the bury animation.
  • Evil Dave: PHLEGMATIC HUMOUR!
  • Evil Dave performs the bury animation.
  • Evil Dave: UNWASHED SOCKS!
  • Player: I'm really having trouble making out some of these words.
  • Evil Dave: SPEAK THEM! SPEAK THE WORDS WITH ME!
  • Evil Dave shakes.
  • Evil Dave: DOOMY DOOM DA DOOM DOOM EVIL DOOM!
  • Player: Um... 'Darmy... poom? Da dooom... oom?'... I can't read this next part at all.
  • Evil Dave: You're doing the spell wrong! NOOOOOOOO!
  • Player: Uh oh.
  • The player and Evil Dave rise up into the air simultaneously, flying around the pentacle a few times, before their souls fly out of their original bodies and into the other's body. Screen fade out/in. Cutscene ends. The player is in Evil Dave's body, next to Evil Dave's bed in his basement. Evil Dave is gone.
  • You wake up feeling slightly groggy, not quite remembering what took place.
  • Player: Oh, my head! I must have passed out. Where did Dave go? Oh well. Since I'm awake, I'd better check I'm looking good. I wonder if Dave has a mirror I can use?

Evil Dave's House[edit | edit source]

Aftermath of the body swap[edit | edit source]

Attempting to climb up the cellar stairs before admiring oneself in the mirror[edit | edit source]

(This dialogue is only shown if the player hasn't previously climbed up the stairs before admiring oneself in the mirror:)

  • Player: I can't possibly go upstairs without checking myself in the mirror first.
  • Select an option
    • Leave Evil Dave Quest.
      • Screen fade out/in. The player appears in the ground floor of Doris's house, with their original body.
    • Carry on with the Quest.
      • (Dialogue ends.)

Talking to Doris before admiring oneself in the mirror[edit | edit source]

  • Would you like to continue 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'?
    • Yes.
      • Screen fade out/in. The player is in Evil Dave's body, next to Evil Dave's bed in the basement.
      • (Continues above.)
    • No.
      • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Admire! Mirror[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Oh yeah.
  • Player: Looking fine today!
  • Player: What a gorgeously handsome beard you're sporting.
  • (If the player has a beard:)
    • Player: This isn't my beard!
  • (If the player does not have a beard:)
    • Player: This isn't my face!
  • Player: THIS IS DAVE'S BODY
  • Player: DAVE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
  • Player: ARRRRRRRRGHHH!
  • The player faints, then gets back up onto their feet again.
  • Player: It's probably just a bad dream.
  • You pinch yourself.
  • The player pinches themselves, losing 10 life points in the process.
  • Player: Ow! Turns out it's not a dream. This is real. I am in Dave's body.
  • Doris: Dave! I need your help! Come upstairs please!
  • Player: I'd better go upstairs and find out what's going on.

Meeting your new family[edit | edit source]

  • Doris: Dave! Finally, you're up! I swear you spend more time in that bed than doing anything productive.
  • Player: Doris, something really strange has happened! I'm not Dave!
  • Doris: I don't have time to play your silly games today, Davey. I've got a lot of shopping to do, and my hip is aching, so I'm going to need your help. Okay?
  • Player: ...
  • Doris: Hello? Dave? Am I boring you?
  • Player: Sorry I'm just... a bit confused.
  • Doris: Yes, well, maybe you shouldn't be spending so much time with that friend of yours.
  • Player: Friend?
  • Doris: What's [his/her] name? Player is it? I saw [him/her] running out of here like [his/her] bum was on fire, just as I was coming in. [He/She]'s a bad influence on you Davey. I've told you that. You're a nice boy.
  • Player: That must have been Dave! In my body!
  • Doris: Silly games, Davey. Don't. Have. Time.
  • Player: But I'm not Dave!
  • Doris: Dave you stop lying to my face right now. You're a good boy, what's gotten into you?
  • Player: I'm Player trapped in Dave's body!
  • Doris: Dave you are testing me right now.
  • Player: I swear!
  • Doris: Fine! If this is the way you want it, so be it! For your own good... YOU. ARE. GROUNDED!
  • Player: Awww...
  • Doris: Now DO YOUR CHORES!
  • Player: But-
  • Doris: No buts, Dave! The floor needs sweeping, the dishes need washing, the vegetables need to be chopped, and your bed is filthy. Now get on with it!

Talking to Doris again[edit | edit source]

  • Select an option
    • What needs doing again?
      • Doris: The floor needs sweeping, the dishes need washing, the vegetables need to be chopped, and your bed is filthy.
      • Select an option
        • Sweeping the floor?
          • (Without the tattered old broom:)
            • Doris: Well, if I were you, I'd start by finding a broom. Have you considered checking the cupboard?
            • (Shows the previous options.)
          • (With the tattered old broom:)
            • Doris: I see you've managed to find a broom. That rug is looking very dusty. Start there.
            • (Shows the previous options.)
        • Washing... dishes?
          • (Without the dishwashing soap:)
            • Doris: There's soap on the shelves by the sink. Remember Dave, the knives won't hurt you as long as you're careful with them.
            • (Shows the previous options.)
          • (With the dishwashing soap:)
            • Doris: You have soap at least, that's a good start. Why don't you try the sink over there?
            • (Shows the previous options.)
        • Vegetables?
          • (Without the vegetable chopping knife:)
            • Doris: You need a knife, Dave. Why don't you try the sink?
            • (Shows the previous options.)
          • (With the vegetable chopping knife:)
            • Doris: You've managed to find a knife. Toddle right on over to that table of vegetables and chop them!
            • (Shows the previous options.)
        • Cleaning a bed?
          • Doris: You need bed bug cleaner. Try the wardrobe.
          • (Shows the previous options.)
        • Okay I get it!
          • (Shows the previous-to-previous options.)
    • I don't want to do chores any more!
      • Player: No more chores! I have important adventuring work to do!
      • Doris: I don't want to hear it Dave! Get on with them!
    • I guess I'll get on with it.
      • (Dialogue ends.)
    • But I'm NOT Dave!
      • Player: Please listen to me. My name is Player. Dave and I did a ritual and we swapped bodies! You have to believe me.
      • Doris: You know I enjoy playing your silly games, Dave, but today just isn't a good day for it.

Chores of doom[edit | edit source]

Taking a knife from the sink[edit | edit source]

  • (If the player does not already have a knife:)
  • (If the player already has a knife in the backpack:)
    • You don't need another knife. We're not dual-wielding here.

Searching the shelf[edit | edit source]

  • (If the player does not already have a bar of soap:)
    • Player receives dishwashing soap.
    • You grab a bar of soap from the shelves.
    • Player: I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
  • (If the player already has a bar of soap in the backpack:)
    • Don't be greedy with the soap! You already have plenty.

Grabbing something from the wardrobe[edit | edit source]

  • The wardrobe has a few useful household objects in it.
  • Which item do you want?
    • Broom
      • (If the player does not already have a broom:)
        • Player receives tattered old broom.
        • You grab a broom from the wardrobe.
        • Player: Brushy brushy!
      • (If the player already has a broom in the backpack:)
        • You don't need another broom. You don't want to get broom overload.
    • Bed bug cleaner
      • (If the player does not already have the bed bug cleaner:)
        • Player receives bed bug cleaner.
        • You take some bed bug cleaner to clean the bed.
        • Player: I don't want to think about what sort of bed bugs are infesting Dave's bed.
      • (If the player already has the bed bug cleaner in the backpack:)
        • How much bed bug cleaner could you possibly need? No more!

Chopping the vegetables[edit | edit source]

  • (If the vegetables have not been chopped yet:)
    • Player: These vegetables could make a really tasty stew.
    • (Skilling interface opens.)
      • (Chopping the vegetables:)
        • You chop the vegetables roughly into pieces.
        • Player: I should get a job doing this. I wonder how high the celery is.
        • You have completed [x/4] chores.
  • (If the vegetables have been chopped:)
    • The vegetables are already chopped.

Washing the dishes[edit | edit source]

  • (If the dishes have not been washed yet:)
    • Player: I definitely didn't expect to spend today washing dishes.
    • (Skilling interface opens.)
      • (Making squeaky clean dishes:)
        • Your stomach heaves as you chisel off some raw shark and tomato sauce.
        • Player: Finally, finished.
        • You have completed [x/4] chores.
  • (If the dishes have been washed:)
    • The dishes are all washed.

Sweeping the rug[edit | edit source]

  • (If the rug has not been swept yet:)
    • Player: This rug is filthy.
    • (Skilling interface opens.)
      • (Making thoroughly swept rug:)
        • You hide all the dust by sweeping it under the rug.
        • Player: Classic technique!
        • You have completed [x/4] chores.
  • (If the rug has already been swept:)
    • The rug has been swept.

Upon finishing all the chores in the kitchen[edit | edit source]

  • Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
  • Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.

Heading down the open trapdoor[edit | edit source]

  • (Before finishing all of the chores except cleaning Evil Dave's bed:)
    • Doris: You haven't finished your chores up here yet.
  • (After finishing all of the chores except cleaning Evil Dave's bed:)
    • Doris: You have chores to do, Dave. No playing with your rats!
    • The player appears in Evil Dave's basement.

Attempting to leave the house[edit | edit source]

  • Select an option
    • Leave 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'.
      • Screen fade out/in. The player is in their original body, just in front of Doris's house.
    • Carry on with the quest.
      • Player: I don't think I need to leave just yet.

Talking to Doris to resume the quest[edit | edit source]

  • Would you like to continue 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'?
    • Yes.
      • Screen fade out/in. The player is in Evil Dave's body.
      • Doris: I hope you're getting on with those chores I gave you, Dave!
    • No.
      • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Chores of doom (Basement)[edit | edit source]

Cleaning Dave's filthy bed[edit | edit source]

  • (Skilling interface opens.)
    • (Choosing "Take a nap":)
      • Screen fade out/in.
      • Player: Well that was a waste of time, I'm still Dave!
    • (If you chose to clean the bed instead:)
      • You sparingly clean the bed with the cleaner.
      • Player: This stuff is corrosive.
      • You have completed 4/4 chores.
      • Player: I feel suddenly... very sleepy. Maybe I'll just have a quick nap in this nice clean bed.
      • (Continues below.)

Dave and the God of Chaos[edit | edit source]

  • Screen fade out/in. The scene shifts to the lobby of Daemonheim, where Evil Dave (in the player's body) and Moia are speaking to each other.
  • Moia: You tripped every single alarm on the way here, fool. Oh, it's you, World Guardian. To what do we owe the pleasure?
  • Dave: NO WAY! It's Moia! Half-Mahjarrat, half-human, right? I expected the top half to be Mahjarrat and the bottom half human, like a kind of bony mermaid...
  • Moia: We've met before.
  • Dave: I knew that! We did that uh... EVIL thing in that EVIL place.
  • Moia: You don't need to shout every time you say 'evil'. What do you want?
  • Dave: Well, I've not received any replies to the letters I have been sending to Zamorak. But, seeing as I am a World Guardian now...
  • Moia: Letters? Have you been looking to get in contact with My Lord?
  • Dave: You bet your BONY TOP-HALF I have!
  • Moia: Why didn't you say so? I've no doubt My Lord has use for a World Guardian. Would you like to meet with him?
  • Dave: !
  • Dave: Wait, what would Player say? Forsooth, and lead the way merry Mahjarrat! Adventure awaits! Oh what will I wear? Will he like me? Does my breath smell like stew?
  • Screen fades out and then fades in.
  • Moia: Bow before the Dark Lord, Zamorak!
  • Zamorak teleports in.
  • Dave: SO. EVIL. Mighty Zamorak, father of all that is EVIL in this world, I am nothing in your presence.
  • Zamorak: I am surprised to find you here, World Guardian. What can we do for you?
  • Dave: First, can I just say I LOVE what you've been doing. I'm a big, BIG fan. I love it all: the ascending to godhood, building Daemonheim, what you did with the Wilderness...
  • Zamorak thinks.
  • Zamorak: Uh...
  • Moia: Enough. You said you wished to serve Lord Zamorak?
  • Dave: I would do anything for Zamorak.
  • Zamorak: Good. You will undertake a test.
  • Dave: Leaving milk overnight? Stealing a dog's nose?
  • Zamorak: I have a mole in the White Knights' Castle.
  • Dave: Giant mole?
  • Zamorak: Saradomin is making a move. He believes that I am for the taking, foolish as that may be. He is meeting with his white knights today. I want you to take part in that meeting. Find out where he is making his attack, then bring that information to me.
  • Dave: That sounds like a plan for EVIL DAVE! Ahem. Even Evil Dave could do this job. It's that easy. You can count on me, Player! It'll be done in TWO FLICKS OF A DEMONIC LAMB'S TAIL. Later, Big Z! Later, Bony M!
  • Evil Dave teleports away.
  • Zamorak: Moia. As much as chaos pleases me, Player is behaving erratically. Follow [him/her]. I want to be one step ahead of this.
  • Screen fades out and then fades in, back to the player in the basement.
  • Player: What was that? Am I... seeing through Dave's eyes when I'm asleep? Still, the chores are done. I'd better check in with Doris.

You Shall Not Leave[edit | edit source]

  • Doris: Get over here Dave!

Speaking to Doris[edit | edit source]

  • Doris: Right, I need to pop off for a little while. I need to get the groceries from the grand exchange. You're still grounded, so stay in the house! If you leave, I'll know, and you'll be double grounded! Do you want to get double grounded?
  • Player: No.
  • Doris: Remember Dave, no leaving the house!
  • Doris teleports away
  • Player: Now that she's finally gone, I can search Dave's basement for his spellbook!

Finding Dave's spellbook in the basement[edit | edit source]

Cleaning the bed[edit | edit source]

  • I'll just leave this bed alone for now.

Searching the bookshelf[edit | edit source]

  • (Before finding Dave's spellbook:)
    • Player: If I were a book, I'd definitely hide on a bookshelf. It's the perfect camouflage! Come out little bookie-book... 'How to make friends and influence Zamorak', 'Deliciousness is power by Brassica Prime', 'Your new life with Hell Rats'... 'Seren God book', 'Kennith Otter and the Menace of the Sea Slugs', '17 Things You Wouldn't Believe About Mahjarrat'... Dave has a lot of books here.
    • Keep browsing book titles?
      • Yep!
        • Player: 'Hazeel: Cult or Friendship Group?', 'The Power of EVIL: A guide to wearing black', 'The lodestone less travelled'... 'Mastering the art of Asgarnian cooking', 'Battlefield Gielinor: A Saga of the Year 300', 'A New Zanaris'... 'The Poetic Fremennik', 'The Dragon Kite Runner', 'The Lovely Dragon Bones'...
        • Keep going
          • Sure!
            • You're trapped in the body of Evil Dave and all you want to do is read the titles of books?
            • Really?
              • Absolutely!
                • Are you 100% sure about that?
                  • Yep. Hundred percent.
                    • No. This is for your own good. You need to get on with the quest and find Dave's spellbook.
                    • Player: Oh, what's this?
                    • Dave's spellbook!
                  • I suppose not...
              • Okay, you're right, I'll stop.
          • No, enough!
      • No, I need to find the spellbook.
        • Player: Oh, what's this?
        • Dave's spellbook!
        • Player: Hm, it's locked. Magical locks like this usually respond to a command phrase. I wonder what it could be?
        • Player receives Dave's spellbook (Evil Dave's Big Day Out).
        • You have found 1/3 important things!
  • (After finding Dave's spellbook:)
    • (If the player has Dave's spellbook:)
      • Player: I think I've had quite enough of Dave's bookshelf.
    • (If the player has lost Dave's spellbook:)

Searching the drapes[edit | edit source]

  • (Before obtaining the runes:)
    • Player: I pull back the curtain to reveal... A secret hidey-hole in the wall! This must be where Dave stores all his things and stuff! Let's see, what's he got...
    • A note with a picture of Dave's face.
    • Player: What's this? 'Let it be known that Dave Karloff, alias 'Evil Dave', is no longer welcome in Falador after his role in the infamous 'Hugs for Zamorak' heresy.' I guess Dave is more of a badass than I realised.
    • Law, earth and air runes.
    • Player: Could come in handy. Yoink.
    • Player receives 1 law rune (Evil Dave's Big Day Out), 1 earth rune (Evil Dave's Big Day Out) and 1 air rune (Evil Dave's Big Day Out).
    • You have found 2/3 important things!
  • (After obtaining the runes:)
    • Player: I already looked here. Hidey-holes are such a good idea.
    • You have found 2/3 important things!
    • (If the player is missing runes:)
      • Some more Law, earth and air runes!
      • Player receives missing runes.
      • You have found 2/3 important things!

Searching the boiler[edit | edit source]

  • (If the player has yet to search the boiler:)
    • Player: Hm. I wonder if anything useful has gotten lost behind the boiler. Let's see, I'll just reach behind here where it's dark... What's this?
    • You find a note.
    • Player: Oh, there's something on it.
    • A tiny spider on the note peers up at you hopefully.
    • Player: NO NO NO - GET IT OFF - GET IT OFF
    • Screen fades out then back in
    • Player: Ow. I bumped my head. I'm not normally scared of spiders. What happened? Oh no. *Dave* is scared of spiders... That doesn't bode well. Oh wait, what did the note say? 'Evil is the best.' What a strange thing to write on a note. Well, I suppose it is Dave.
    • You have finished searching the basement.
    • Player: Doesn't look like there's anything else to find down here. Maybe I should mess with Dave's spellbook? That sounds like a good idea.
  • (If the player has searched the boiler:)
    • Player: You win this time, spider. Have your lair!

Attempting to teleport with the runes[edit | edit source]

  • Player: I should use Dave's spellbook to teleport. I need to know the spell before trying to teleport.

Investigating Dave's spellbook[edit | edit source]

Before unlocking it[edit | edit source]
  • Player: I won't be able to open this without knowing the right command phrase.
    • (If the player searched the boiler):
      • Player: I wonder... how about 'Evil is the best!'
      • The tome springs open.
      • Player: Sweet. Let's take a looksee at this spellbook. Hm... speak to animals... teleport to Makeover Mage... Really low alchemy... Dave's Christmas list... Ah! The ritual of ultimate doomly doom! But I need Dave back here to cast it. Besides, if he's really heading to Falador then I have to stop him. Guthix knows what sort of havoc he could wreak on the white knights if I don't stop him. Not to mention, I'll get the blame for everything because he looks just like me. But Dave is banned from Falador! I'll never get in looking like this. I'd better come up with a really good plan... hm... Of course! It's so obvious. I'll have the Makeover Mage transform me into a woman! That's perfect. Sometimes I really am a genius. Hm. But a female Dave would need a female Dave name. What could I be called? Of course! It's so obvious. Davegelina! Perfect. I can probably make it to the Makeover Mage and back before mum... I mean before Doris gets home. Good thing Dave had that Teleport: Makeover Mage spell in his spellbook!
After unlocking it[edit | edit source]
  • Teleport to the Makeover Mage?
    • Yes
    • No
      • (Dialogue ends.)

Finding Dave[edit | edit source]

Making a Withdrawal[edit | edit source]

  • The player teleports away. Screen fade out/in. Cutscene begins. The player arrives at the Grand Exchange.
  • Player: This isn't the Makeover Mage, this is the Grand Exchange! How did that happen? Uh oh, wasn't Doris...
  • Doris: ...and candles, and a plug for the bathroom, and a saw, and a hose...
  • Player: ARGHHHHHHHHHH
  • Player: ARGHHHHHHHHHH
  • Player teleports away, and Doris turns around
  • Doris: ...and a tin of peas, and some shoes, and some washers...
  • Player teleports behind a pillar
  • Doris: Right, thank you.
  • Doris walks away
  • Doris: What a helpful clerk that was. And always with such a friendly smile!
  • Cutscene ends.
  • Player: Too close! She would have double grounded me for sure! How did I end up here?
  • You consult the spellbook.
  • Player: Ohhhh... he's labelled the spells wrong. I see what to do now. Looks like I'm out of runes, I'd better check Dave's bank.

Speaking to either Chris or Kara[edit | edit source]

  • If it's your first time speaking to either of them:
    • Player: Hi, I'd like to access my account.
    • Banker: Today's bank is brought to you by Aubury's Rune Shop, your one stop shop for that last rune drop! Oh, it's you Dave. Did you you know that we have a special competition on today?[sic]
    • Player: That's nice, but I just want to access my account.
    • Banker: We're being sponsored by Aubury's Rune Shop. You could win a prize!
    • Player: I just want to access... wait, prize? What prize?
    • Banker: An earth rune.
    • Player: A whole earth rune?
    • Banker: That's right! A magnificent prize!
    • Player: I'm in!! What do I have to do?
    • Banker: Well, Dave, all you have to do is correctly guess the number of runes in this jar.
    • The banker holds up an almost entirely empty jar.
    • Banker: As you can see, we've already given out quite a lot of prizes. Would you care to take a guess?
    • Player: But there's only one rune in that jar.
    • Banker: Final answer?
    • Player: Yes. There's clearly only one rune in the jar.
    • Banker: I'm sorry Dave, but I'm going to have to press you. Are you *quite sure*?
    • Player: Yes. Wait, no. Yes! One rune!
    • Banker: You win! One earth rune to you, congratulations!
    • The banker removes the earth rune from the jar and hands it over to you.
    • Banker: Aubury's Rune Shop, your one stop shop for that last rune drop! Is there anything else I can help you with today?
    • Player: My account?
    • Banker: Of course.
    • You have 1/3 runes needed to teleport to the makeover mage.
  • If it's not your first time speaking to either of them:
    • Player: Hi, I'd like to access my account.
    • Banker: Of course. Visit the Varrock Sword Shop today for a fine steal on some fine steel. They're slashing prices!
After withdrawing the law rune from Dave's bank
  • You have 2/3 runes needed to teleport to the makeover mage.
Drinking the Emergency flask of stew
  • You glug back some EVIL STEW OF DOOM. It slightly singes your throat.
  • Player: Is that orange? Delicious.
Using the empty flask of stew on the fountain
  • You fill the empty flask with water. A couple of chunks rise to the top.
  • Player: The good old fill a vial at a fountain trick.
Speaking to either Clark or Kent
  • If you are speaking with them for the first time:
    • Exchange Clerk: Hey, Dave! You know you're not allowed to use the exchange.
    • Player: What? Why?
    • Exchange Clerk: You know why!
    • Player: Let's say for the sake of argument that I don't. Could you explain?
    • Exchange Clerk: Because last year you bought all that shadow dye! You don't even own anything tough enough to withstand it. You dissolved three of your poor mum's dresses!
    • Player: Oh, uh, I'm very sorry about that. But look, I really need some runes.
    • Exchange Clerk: What for?
    • Player: I need to stop a friend from making a terrible mistake I'll get blamed for.
    • Exchange Clerk: Okay Dave, seeing as it's you. What kind of runes are you after?
      • Law Runes.
        • Exchange Clerk: Do I look like I'm made of money?
        • Player: Actually, yes.
        • Exchange Clerk: Well, yes, I suppose I sort of do. But I won't be able to afford any more nice suits if I just hand out law runes left and right.
        • (Shows other options)
      • Earth Runes.
        • Exchange Clerk: Oh, I don't have any earth runes I'm afraid. You might try speaking to one of the bankers though. I think I heard something about a competition.
        • (Shows other options)
      • Air Runes.
        • Exchange Clerk: Yes, I have a few air runes I might be able to spare for you. I want something in return though.
        • Player: What?
        • Exchange Clerk: I really need something to drink. Be a mate and go fetch us one, would you?
  • If you are speaking with them subsequently:
    • Exchange Clerk: Do you have anything for me to drink?
      • If you do not have the Emergency flask of stew on you, or if the flask is empty:
        • (Dialogue ends)
      • If you have the Emergency flask of stew on you:
        • Exchange Clerk: What's this?
        • Player: I brought you something to drink. Yum yum!
        • Exchange Clerk: Is this... one of your stews?
        • Player: I can only assume so!
        • Exchange Clerk: No thank you. They're too spicy for my blood. Maybe you could find some water? Isn't there a fountain around here somewhere?
      • If you have the Flask of stew-water on you:
        • Exchange Clerk: What's this?
        • Player: Some water. Mostly.
        • The thirsty clerk gulps down the water, lumps and all.
        • Exchange Clerk: Was that a hint of orange?
        • Player: Possibly!
        • Exchange Clerk: Delicious. Here's your air runes. Say hi to Doris for me.
        • The clerk drops three air runes into your hand.
        • Player: Brilliant! I have all the runes I need to teleport. Let's give teleporting a go! Tropelet, revoekam egam!

Double trouble[edit | edit source]

Successful Teleport
  • Player: And... we made it to the right place this time!
  • Makeover Mage: Oh, hello Dave!
  • Player: Listen, I know I look like Dave, but I'm actually not Dave.
  • Makeover Mage: Oh? Who are you then?
  • Player: It's me, Player!
  • Makeover Mage: Is this another of your evil schemes, Dave? It's not okay to impersonate other people.
  • (If the player has not completed Land of the Goblins:)
    • What is the most evil thing you have ever done?
      • I killed a defenceless cow
        • (Continues below.)
      • I've chopped down forests of trees.
        • (Continues below.)
      • I've murdered someone in the Wilderness.
        • (Continues below.)
    • Makeover Mage: Oh, hello Player. Good to see you!
    • Player: How do you know it's me?
    • Makeover Mage: Dave is about as evil as a stuffed unicorn.
    • (Continues below.)
  • (If the player has completed Land of the Goblins:)
    • Player: Listen, I can prove it! You remember when you helped me brew a goblin transformation potion? You gave me some free Pharmakos berries!
    • Makeover Mage: Hm... let me think... Player?! You're the only person that's ever needed a goblin transformation potion.
    • (Continues below.)
  • Makeover Mage: So how did this happen?
  • Player: I was helping Dave conduct a ritual of ultimate doomly doom...
  • Makeover Mage: That doesn't sound wise.
  • Player: On reflection it's probably not one of my best plans. Anyway thanks to Dave's terrible handwriting it went wrong, and somehow we swapped bodies! Now Dave has my body with all of its awesome power and I'm worried he's going to do something properly evil with it, rather than just Dave evil.
  • Makeover Mage: I can see how that certainly is a pickle. Why are you here though? Shouldn't you be out looking for Dave?
  • Player: He's heading to Falador to spy on the white knights. I can't follow him there to stop him because Dave is banned in Falador.
  • Makeover Mage: And you want me to help to disguise you?
  • Player: That's right! I need you to turn me into a woman.
  • Makeover Mage: You need me to... what?
  • Player: Turn me into a woman. Can you do it?
  • Makeover Mage: I mean of course I can, I'm just slightly confused as to how that will help.
  • Player: Surely it's obvious. If I look like a woman, they won't know it's me. Anyway this is the PLAN and I have to stick to the plan.
  • Makeover Mage: Well, it's up to you. I think Dave may be started to rub off on you though.
  • Player: Oh. One more thing. Can I keep the beard?
  • Makeover Mage: You want to... never mind. I don't normally allow that, but I'll make a special exception for you. Okay, here we go!
A cloud of smoke engulfs the player, and they become a female Dave
  • Makeover Mage: It is done! You do look ravishing. Have you given any thought to a name?
  • Player: I have. Henceforth I shall be known only as... DAVEGELINA!
  • Makeover Mage: ...
  • Player: What?
  • Makeover Mage: I don't want to mock your self-expression, but...
  • Player: What?
  • Makeover Mage: Davegelina is really stupid.
  • Player: Okay, how about Davesephine?
  • Makeover Mage: Stupid.
  • Player: Daverielle?
  • Makeover Mage: Double stupid.
  • Player: Davabeth?
  • Makeover Mage: Stupid.
  • Player: Alright, since you're so clever, what do you think it should be?
  • Makeover Mage: I mean, the female form of Dave would be...
  • Player: Of course! Davelotte!
  • Makeover Mage: No! Davina!
  • Player: Oh, right, Davina, yeah.
  • Player: Henceforth I shall be known only as... DAVINA! Or Dave, for short. Okay, well thanks for the help. I'd eally better be off.
  • Makeover Mage: Farewell Dave, I mean Davina, I mean Player. Good luck!
  • Player: Oh, uh, I'm out of runes again... Is there any chance you could teleport me home?
  • Makeover Mage: Sure.
The player is teleported back to Evil Dave's house by the Makeover Mage

Back to Evil Dave's House[edit | edit source]

Double Grounded[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Just in time! Mum hasn't arrived yet. I, uh, mean Doris of course.
  • Doris: Oh there you are!
  • Doris: Davey! You're such a good boy. Why don't you come here for a hug?
  • Player: That's okay mum... I mean Doris... I mean mum.
  • Doris: *sniffs* What's that smell, Dave?
  • Player: What smell?
  • Doris: You smell... fresh! You smell normal!
  • Player: Uh... isn't that a good thing?
  • Doris: Well normally you'd think so, but you always smell of hell rat-filled basement. You haven't been... you haven't been *outside* have you? You can't have been, seeing as how you're grounded and all.
  • Player: That's right mum. I stayed right here.
  • Doris: Don't lie to me, Davey! If you've been here the whole time, why do you smell so fresh?
  • Player: I was at home, I swear!
  • Doris: I'm going to count to three, Davey.
    • I took a shower.
      • (Same as below)
    • It's just pot pourri.
      • (Same as below)
    • I was playing in the wardrobe.
      • Doris: One.
      • (Continues below)
        • My life got flipped, turned upside down.
          • (Same as below)
        • I invented a new spell called 'Fresh Air Blast'.
          • (Same as below)
        • I hugged a cloud.
          • Doris: Two.
          • (Continues below)
            • I found a secret portal to the breeze dimension! Jeez!
              • (Same as below)
            • I just smell really good today. Okay?!
              • (Same as below)
            • Why do YOU smell so fresh mum? Huh? Think about that!
              • Doris: Three.
              • (Continues below)
                • Player: I... had the Makeover Mage turn me into a woman.
                • Doris: You did WHAT?!
                • Player: I realise this transition can be difficult to accept...
                • Doris: Not that! Your choices are your choices Dave. You have to be yourself. But you LEFT THE HOUSE! After I SPECIFICALLY GROUNDED YOU! Dave I expected better of you. It pains me to have to do this but... YOU. ARE. DOUBLE! GROUNDED!! Sweep the floor! Wash the dishes! Chop the vegetables! Clean your filthy bed!
                • Player: But I already did all that!
                • Doris: I don't want to hear it Dave! Do them again!

Busted again[edit | edit source]

Washing the dishes
  • If you have yet to break a plate:
    • You grab a plate accidentally smash it to pieces.[sic]
    • Player: I should probably get a new plate. Mum - Doris - will kill me!
  • After getting a replacement plate:
    • Player: I'd better wash that new plate at least.
    • (Sink activities interface opens)
    • The new plate has a stain in the shape of Evil Dave's face.
    • Player: That's weird...
    • You have completed [x/4] chores.
Chopping the vegetables
  • If you have yet to break the knife:
    • The knife hits a particularly solid piece of carrot and shatters.
    • Player: Now I need a new knife. I'd better replace that broken knife.
  • After getting a replacement knife:
    • Player: These vegetables have already been chopped.
    • (Vegetable activities interface opens)
    • Player: You know, they used to call me the prima donna chef. Because I would make a meal out of every situation!
    • The vegetable pieces respond with complete silence. You punish them by chopping them into even tinier pieces.
    • You have completed [x/4] chores.
Attempting to get another knife from the sink after the knife breaks
  • You find a broken knife amongst the cutlery.
  • Player: Hm, this knife is still broken. I need a new one.
Sweeping the rug
  • If you have yet to break the broom:
    • The broom snaps apart in your hands.
    • Player: I should probably get a replacement broom before trying to sweep this...
  • After getting a replacement broom:
    • Player: How is this rug so muddy? Oh yeah, that was me.
    • (Rug activities interface opens)
    • The mud is so caked-in that you give up and just turn the rug over.
    • Player: I guess I didn't need that broom after all.
    • You have completed [x/4] chores.
Attempting to get another broom from the wardrobe after the broom breaks
  • There are no more brooms. You'll have to get a new one somehow.
Speaking to Doris before you go to the shops
  • Player: Hypothetically, if I had broken something, where would I go to get a new one?
  • Doris: You'd go to Ernie at the general store across the street of course. Why are you asking? Did you break something?
  • Player: Oh no, of course not! I'm uh... asking for a friend.
  • Doris: Was it that Player? Why don't you try being friends with that nice shopkeeper's assistant instead?
  • Player: Player is the best, mum. To know [him/her] is to love [him/her]. and to love [him/her] is to know [him/her].
  • Doris: You're a lovely boy Davey but you're a terrible judge of character.
Heading out to the shops
  • Mum: Where are you going? Have you forgotten you're grounded young man?
  • Player: I need to go get supplies for chores from the general store.
  • Mum: Oh Dave, did you break something again? Well okay, but come straight back!

The Plight of the Tools[edit | edit source]

Speaking to the Shopkeeper
  • Shopkeeper: Dave, how are things? How's your mother?
  • Player: I'm fine, sort of. She's fine.
  • Shopkeeper: Glad to hear it Dave. What can I help you with?
  • If your broom has broken:
    • Player: I need a new broom.
    • Shopkeeper: Oh, what happened to the last one?
    • Player: I broke it cleaning the kitchen...
    • Shopkeeper: You're such a good boy, Dave. Always doing your chores. Your mum must be so proud. Well, here's a new one for you.
    • You have replaced the broken broom with a new one.
    • If it's the first time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I don't have any money.
      • Shopkeeper: That's okay. We'll call it a present, alright? You'll mention to your mother that I helped you out?
      • Player: Of course.
      • (Continues below)
    • If it's the second time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I still don't have any money.
      • Shopkeeper: Of course you don't. That's okay, your mum can sort it out next time she's in.
      • (Continues below)
    • If it's the third time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I'm sorry, but I still can't pay for this.
      • Shopkeeper: That's alright, Dave. Don't worry about it. You just hang on in there, alright champ?
      • Player: I... sure.
        • (Dialogue ends)
  • If your knife has broken:
    • Player: I need a new knife. The old one is broken.
    • Shopkeeper: Oh Dave, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll find you a nice new one.
    • The shopkeeper hands you a shiny new knife, handle first.
    • You have replaced the broken knife with a new one.
    • Shopkeeper: You be careful with that, okay? It's sharp.
    • If it's the first time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I don't have any money.
      • Shopkeeper: That's okay. We'll call it a present, alright? You'll mention to your mother that I helped you out?
      • Player: Of course.
      • (Continues below)
    • If it's the second time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I still don't have any money.
      • Shopkeeper: Of course you don't. That's okay, your mum can sort it out next time she's in.
      • (Continues below)
    • If it's the third time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I'm sorry, but I still can't pay for this.
      • Shopkeeper: That's alright, Dave. Don't worry about it. You just hang on in there, alright champ?
      • Player: I... sure.
        • (Dialogue ends)
  • If a plate has broken:
    • Player: I broke a plate. I need a new one.
    • Shopkeeper: Oh Dave. And I bet you were trying so hard as well. These things happen.
    • Player: Do you have a new one? I want to replace it.
    • Shopkeeper: That's so responsible of you Dave! Here you go, one nice plate. Make sure you wash it before you put food on it, though.
    • You have replaced the broken plate with a new one.
    • If it's the first time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I don't have any money.
      • Shopkeeper: That's okay. We'll call it a present, alright? You'll mention to your mother that I helped you out?
      • Player: Of course.
      • (Continues below)
    • If it's the second time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I still don't have any money.
      • Shopkeeper: Of course you don't. That's okay, your mum can sort it out next time she's in.
      • (Continues below)
    • If it's the third time you are getting a replacement item from the shopkeeper:
      • Player: I'm sorry, but I still can't pay for this.
      • Shopkeeper: That's alright, Dave. Don't worry about it. You just hang on in there, alright champ?
      • Player: I... sure.
        • (Dialogue ends)
  • If nothing has broken yet, or you have obtained replacements for all broken items:
    • Player: Nothing actually!
      • (Dialogue ends)
Speaking to the Shop Assistant
  • Shop Assistant: Oh! Hi Dave
  • Player: I'm not- I mean, er, hey... *you*.
  • Shop Assistant: Hey, have you changed something? Your hair, or...? Whatever it is, I love it.
  • Player: Thanks, I guess.
  • Shop Assistant: Look at me jabbering on. Bet you have more important things to be cracking on with. [sic]...Do you?
  • Player: ...
  • Shop Assistant: I mean, if it's a time issue, then perhaps we could arrange dinner?
  • Player: I just don't see why you can't put anything urgent in a letter or something.
  • Shop Assistant: Oh, right. Retro. You're so cool, Dave. Well, I guess I'll see you around.
  • Player: ... Dave is such an oblivious dishcloth...
Upon finishing all the chores in the kitchen
  • Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
  • Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.

Busted again (Basement)[edit | edit source]

Cleaning the bed
  • If you have yet to finish the chores upstairs:
    • Doris: DAVE! You still have chores to finish upstairs!
  • If you have completed the chores upstairs:
    • (Bed activities interface opens)
    • You use a lot more cleaner this time.
    • Player: If I'm going to sleep in this thing to get another vision I want it to be clean.
    • You have completed 4/4 chores.
    • Player: If I nap again, maybe I'll get another vision of what Dave is up to.

Dave and the Path of the Temple Knight[edit | edit source]

Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to the Falador Park, where Dave in the Player's body and Sir Tiffy Cashien are speaking to each other
  • Dave: So, I was hoping you could help me become an elite Black Knight. WHITE KNIGHT. Gosh, it's so easy to get them mixed up. Elite WHITE Knight.
  • (If the player is a Temple Knight)
    • Sir Tiffy Cashien: An elite White Knight? There is no such thing, old bean. Perhaps you're thinking of the illustrious order of the Temple Knights?
    • Dave: Yes. Them. I want to join the Temple Knights!
    • Sir Tiffy Cashien: I've already recruited you into the Temple Knights. Don't you remember?
    • Dave: Absolutely! I remember it like it was yesterday. Who are you, again?
    • Sir Tiffy Cashien: Something tells me that we should rewind your training a bit. Let's start with a few tests.
  • (If the player is not a Temple Knight)
    • Sir Tiffy Cashien: Something tells me that we should rewind your training a bit. Let's start with a few tests.
Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to an unknown room
  • Sir Kuam Ferentse: Ah, Player, you're finally here. Your task for this room is to defeat Sir Leye. He has been blessed by Saradomin to be undefeatable by any man.
  • Dave: Wait. No man can defeat him?
  • Sir Kuam Ferentse: Mhm, yes.
  • Dave: As in, no MAN can kill him.
  • Sir Kuam Ferentse: There is much wisdom in you. I see you have unravelled my riddl...
  • Dave: What about a CAT?
  • Sir Kuam Ferentse: Uh, a cat would be able to kill him, yes.
  • Dave: What if the cat was being ridden by a man?
  • Sir Kuam Ferentse: Uh, if the cat delivered the killing blow, I suppose...
  • Dave: What if a man fed him some cat, and the cat was out-of-date?
  • Sir Kuam Ferentse: You are totally overthinking this.
  • Dave: Nope! Cats are definitely the solution here. BYEEEE!
Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts to a pier
  • Savant: Player, what's happening?
  • Dave: She is coming. There is no hope for you.
  • Savant: Dearest Saradomin, the sea slugs have you!
  • Dave: There is no Player. Just the slug hive mind. THE TOTALLY EVIL slug hive mind. We are going to take over the mainland, and it's going to be SLUG HAPPY HOUR but with more EVIL. That's right, SLUG EVIL HOUR! We mean, it's going to be AN EVIL BANQUET and humans are so ON THE MENU.
  • Sea Slug: 'Nope, we can't take this any more.'
  • Sea Slug: 'Even hive minds have to be selective. You're free. Go about your business'
Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts back to the Falador Park
  • Sir Tiffy Cashien: A little unorthodox, but you passed all the tests. Congratulations, Player. You are on probation as a Temple Knight. Which reminds me: Saradomin has called for a meeting at the top of the castle. You coming? There's a barbecue. And beer.
  • Dave: Tiffy, my friend, you couldn't stop me.
Screen fades to black, and the scene shifts back to the Basement of DOOM
  • Player: I need to go to the White Knights' Castle as soon as I can! I'd better tell Doris that all of the chores are done. Again.

Twice bitten, never shy[edit | edit source]

Informing Doris that the chores are done. Again.
  • Doris: Dave, I'm off to see Getrude. She's got a new litter of cats! Don't leave the house again! Do you want to get TRIPLE grounded?
  • Player: No.
  • Doris: Remember Dave, no leaving the house!
  • Player: Time to head to Falador!
Attempting to leave the house
  • Leave Evil Dave's big day out.
    • (Dialogue ends)
  • Carry on with the Quest.
    • Player: I still have roughly 20 minutes before Doris returns from Gertrude's. This would be a perfect time to sneak into the White Knights' Castle.
    • Are you ready to sneak into the White Knights' Castle?
      • I'm ready to sneak in.
        • (Dialogue ends)
      • Not just yet.
        • (Dialogue ends)

The City of White[edit | edit source]

You Shall Not Pass[edit | edit source]

Screen fades to black
  • Player: I'm covered in mud, the scramble up the rocks was dreadful, especially in Dave's body.
Screen fades to the second floor of White Knights Fortress
Interactions with the White Knight (Sir Lection)
  • If you ran past the White Knight:
    • Sir Lection: Oy, what are you doing here!?
    • You're bundled into a crate and tossed back into the moat.
    • Player: I'm covered in mud, the scramble up the rocks was dreadful, especially in Dave's body.
    • (Dialogue ends)
  • If you observed the White Knight:
    • Player: Looks like he's standing guard. I should probably find a way to distract him if I want to get past.

Distractions and Detonations[edit | edit source]

Reading the Hand-written Note
  • Player: Why would anyone use an oil-soaked rag for a note? Dear Milkman, please leave twenty-three bottles of non-alchoholic wizard mind bombs and thirty-two rabbit sandwiches inside the lounge area. I feel I have more questions than answers.
Searching the Suit of armour
  • If you don't have a knight's helmet on you:
    • Player: Nice, I always wanted one of these!
  • If you have a knight's helmet in your inventory:
    • Player: I don't need to helmets as I don't have two heads.[sic]
  • If you have thrown the lit decoy bomb and killed the white knight:
    • Player: I can't seem to get the armour off.
Interacting with the torch
  • Poking the torch:
    • Player: Hmmm fire is such a useful tool. Could come in handy.
  • Using the knight's helmet filled with gunpowder and a fuse on the torch:
    • Player: Nice now it's lit. I'd best get rid of this quickly![sic]
Inspecting the knight's helmet
  • Player: The bottom is pretty sturdy and could definitely hold something, maybe a head.
Searching the crates
  • If you don't have a lump of gunpowder on you:
    • Player: Nice, some gunpowder!
  • If you have a lump of gunpowder in your inventory:
    • Player: Carrying around more gunpowder than I need is probably kind of dangerous.
Inspecting the lump of gunpowder
  • Player: This would make a good distraction, but I will need something to put it in...
Combining the lump of gunpowder and the knight's helmet
  • Player: Lighting this would just make it blow up in my hands. I could use a fuse of some kind...
Combining the hand-written note and the knight's helmet filled with gunpowder
  • Player: Looks perfect if perfect was shoddy and dangerous. All I need now is a light...
Throwing the lit decoy bomb
  • White Knight: Cor blimey, what was that
  • White knight walks over to the lit decoy bomb
  • White Knight: What on earth is this?
  • Player: Nice, that should be an ample distraction.
  • White Knight: Why is this helmet on fire?
  • White knight picks up the lit decoy bomb
  • White Knight: Uh oh
  • Lit decoy bomb detonates, killing the white knight, leaving behind just his charred white boots.
  • Player: What did I think would happen? Forgive me Saradomin...

Sneaking Around[edit | edit source]

Getting caught by a patrolling White Knight
  • White Knight:  !!!
  • White Knight: This is a private party! Nobody is supposed to be up here!
Screen fades to black after you get past the third patrolling White Knight, near the doors, and fades back into a scene of the player on the roof, with Sir Amik Varze and Sir Ving
  • Player: What the...

How to Sober Up a Drunken Knight[edit | edit source]

Using the keg
  • If using it before speaking to Sir Amik Varze:
    • Sir Amik Varze: *hic* hey! Not for you. *hic*
  • If using it after speaking to Sir Amik Varze, and with another drink in your inventory:
    • Sir Ving: OI! Only one thing at a time.
When Sir Amik Varze is demanding drinks
  • Sir Amik Varze may say any one of the following at random:
    • Dialogue 1:
      • Sir Amik Varze: GET ME SOME *HIC* Dwarven stout.
      • Sir Amik is demanding some Dwarven stout.
    • Dialogue 2:
      • Sir Amik Varze: GET ME SOME *HIC* Saradomin brewlée.
      • Sir Amik is demanding some Saradomin brewlée.
    • Dialogue 3:
      • Sir Amik Varze: GET ME SOME *HIC* Bandit's brew.
      • Sir Amik is demanding some Bandit's brew.
    • Dialogue 4:
      • Sir Amik Varze: GET ME SOME *HIC* Moonlight mead.
      • Sir Amik is demanding some Moonlight mead.
    • Dialogue 5:
      • Sir Amik Varze: GET ME SOME *HIC* Wizard's mind bomb.
      • Sir Amik is demanding some Wizard's mind bomb.
Speaking to Sir Amik Varze
  • If it is the first time speaking to him:
    • Sir Amik Varze: I AM POTTERY! IF YOU BREAK ME DO I NOT SHATTER! SING IT WITH ME!
    • Player: He's really drunk. If I want to get anything useful out of him, there's only one choice. I'll have to get him even more drunk!
  • If it's the subsequent time of speaking to him:
    • Sir Amik Varze: What you got for me?
    • If you do not have any of the drinks:
      • Sir Amik Varze: You don't have anything for me!
      • Sir Amik isn't very pleased with his lack of service. x/4 chances.
    • If you have the wrong drink, and no other drinks:
      • Sir Amik Varze: That isn't what I want! *hic* Useless.
      • Sir Amik isn't very pleased with his lack of service. x/4 chances.
      • You're bundled into a crate and tossed back into the moat.
      • Player: I'm covered in mud, the scramble up the rocks was dreadful, especially in Dave's body.
    • If you have the drink he requested:
      • Sir Amik Varze: Oh yummy! *hic*
    • After serving Sir Amik five times:
      • Sir Amik Varze: I can't believe I'm *hic* schtill so clear-headed after having so much to drink. Alcohol barely hash any *hic* effect on me at all. It's Dave! DAAAAAVE!
      • Player: Yes, uh, Sir Varze-
      • Sir Amik Varze: Pleashe, call me Amik! All my *hic* friends do.
      • Player: Alright, Amik, I need you to- wait, you know who I am?
      • Sir Amik Varze: Yesh of course, you're Dave from Edgshville! DAAAAAVE!
      • Player: I thought I, uh, he, uh, I was banned from Falador?
      • Sir Amik Varze: Oh, that'sh jusht politics and bura-bureau-bure... politics, Dave.You're a legend, Dave! I'm not going to hold it againht you per-pershonally. And may I shay, Dave, what a fine looking womanly figure you have on today?
      • Player: Thanks. Look, Amik, was there an adventurer here not too long ago?
      • Sir Amik Varze: An... advenshuru-uru-ururur? Haha that's really fun to say. Advenshu... advenshuru...
      • Player: Yes, not too long ago?
      • Sir Amik Varze: Yes! Player was here! A very nice [lad/lass]! A very nice [lad/lass] indeed!
      • Player: Where did [he/she] go?
      • Sir Amik Varze: G-go?
      • Player: Yes, where did [he/she] go?
      • Sir Amik Varze: Nothing! Nowhere! Definitely not the scheret meeting nobody is shupposed to *hic* know about.
      • Player: What secret meeting?
      • Sir Amik Varze: The scheret one! The one I haven't told anyone about. You know, the scheret one. In the scheret cave. You know. The scheret cave, east of the Kalphite Hive, at the mouth of the Elid.
      • Player: Oh yes, that cave. The one in the desert?
      • Sir Amik Varze: That'sh the one!
      • Player: And you think Player is going there right now?
      • Sir Amik Varze: I do! I do think that! In fact I shpeshifically heard her saying she was going there shtraight away! Shtraight away I shay! Shhhhtraight away!
      • Player: Well thanks Sir... Amik. It's been a pleasure.
      • Sir Amik Varze: I love you Dave!
      • Player: Thanks I, uh, really need to be going. I don't want to get *triple* grounded.
      • Screen fades to black, and then fades in to Evil Dave's house
      • Player: Phew, back just in time. Oh damn, I think I hear mum downstairs. Doris, I mean. Not mum.
      • Doris appears from the trapdoor
      • Doris: Oh there you are!

Back to Evil Dave's House[edit | edit source]

Triple Grounded[edit | edit source]

  • Doris: I'm back again.
  • Player: Hi mum.
  • Doris: Oh good, you're still here. I hope you've had a chance to think about what you did wrong. Now come here and give me a hug. What are you... you're covered in mud! Everything's covered in mud! Look at this floor! Tell me, Dave. Where does mud come from?
    • It's created when rainwater mixes with soil.
      • (Same as below)
    • I was grounded, but the ground got wet.
      • (Same as below)
    • From outside...
      • Doris: And what's your excuse this time?
        • I've decided to become a druid, mother .
          • (Same as below)
        • I've taken up horticulture, mother.
          • (Same as below)
        • I had to go to Falador, mother.
          • Doris: I don't want to hear it. You were grounded, and you went outside. So for your own good I double grounded you, and you went outside again!
          • Player: But I went to the general store!
          • Doris: It's not muddy between here and the general store! I was just out there myself! You've betrayed my trust, Dave. I want to be angry with you, but I can't. I'm just so disappointed. It pains me to say this, but there's only one thing for it. David Bartholomew Karloff...
          • Player: Bartholomew?
          • Doris: YOU. ARE! TRIPLE!! GROUNDED!!! FLOOR! DISHES! VEGGIES! BED! NOW!
          • Player: But it's spotless!
          • Doris: Just get it done!

Busted once again[edit | edit source]

Chopping the vegetables
  • Player: There's no way I can possibly chop these vegetables any further.
  • (Vegetable activities interface opens)
  • With the flat of the knife you mash the vegetables. As you work, you imagine little sobbing cries to Brassica Prime.
  • Player: I know exactly how you feel little guys.
  • You have completed [x/4] chores.
Washing the dishes
  • Player: These dishes are spotless. What am I even achieving here?
  • (Sink activities interface opens)
  • You pointlessly wash the clean dishes. They end up slightly less clean than when you started.
  • Player: Well that was a waste of time.
  • You have completed [x/4] chores.
Sweeping the rug
  • Player: At this point I think this rug might be my closest friend.
  • (Rug activities interface opens)
  • The rug is muddy on both sides now. You sweep it aimlessly for a while.
  • Player: This is my life now. This is what it is.
  • You have completed [x/4] chores.
Upon finishing all the chores in the kitchen
  • Player: I've finished all the chores in the kitchen!
  • Doris: Time to go down to the basement and clean up your filthy bed then.

Busted once again (Basement)[edit | edit source]

Cleaning the bed
  • If you have yet to finish the chores upstairs:
    • Doris: DAVE! You still have chores to finish upstairs!
  • If you have completed the chores upstairs:
    • (Bed activities interface opens)
    • Player: If I put any more of this stuff on the bed I'm going to pass out from the fumes. Actually that'll probably give me a more powerful vision!
    • You dump the rest of the cleaner onto the bed.
    • You have completed 4/4 chores.
    • Player: What's Dave up to this time I wonder?

Dave and the Shantay's Pass[edit | edit source]

Screen fades to black, then fades in to Shantay's Pass
  • Shantay: None shall pass
  • Dave: None?
  • Shantay: A few. Some shall pass.
  • Dave: Speaking of passes, here's my Shantay Pass. I'll just be walking on through now.
  • Shantay: Those aren't valid any more. What's your business?
  • Dave: Gosh! Where to start? My business is all round EVILNESS, but I have a sideline in MISCHIEVOUSNESS.
  • Shantay: I meant, what is your business in the desert?
  • Dave: Oh, I'm going to gatecrash an ambush on Zamorak by infiltrating the White Knights and perhaps cause the DEMISE OF SARADOMIN.
  • Shantay: Fine, fine. Do you have any contraband items?
  • Dave: What like?
  • Shantay: Women in barrels, priceless gems, rats in barrels, rats in coconuts, monkeys in barrels, that sort of thing.
  • Dave: You have a problem with barrels?
  • Shantay: Like you wouldn't believe.
  • Dave: Well you can FRISK ME, but you will find nothing. NOTHING.
  • Shantay: I'll pass. I'll PASS. Shantay Pass? Oh, never mind. Move along, you can go through.
  • Dave: Thanks! I'll be coming back through with the recognition of Zamorak and a barrelful of JOB WELL DONE.
  • Shantay: No barrels!
Screen fades to black

The Hell-Rat Whisperer[edit | edit source]

Screen fades in to the Basement of DOOM
  • Doris: Dave, wake up Dave. Now, Dave. If you're going to do better, then I'm going to have to trust you. I need to pop out again. BE GOOD![sic]
  • Player: Finally, she's gone. Time to head to-
  • CRASH!
  • Player: What was that?
  • Kevin: DAVE!
  • Player: Who said that?
  • Kevin: Dave! Margaret's come over with her kids! Come and say hi!
  • Player: Was that a rat?
A number of hell-rats appears in the south-west corner of the room, including Margaret
  • Margaret may say any one of the following at random:
    • Dialogue 1:
      • Margaret: Good boy Kevin, I've always been proud of you
    • Dialogue 2:
      • Margaret: Terry! Stop playing with Darren's tail, you'll pull it off again
    • Dialogue 3:
      • Margaret: PAMELA GET DOWN!
    • Dialogue 4:
      • Margaret: I'm never having children again
    • Dialogue 5:
      • Margaret: If your father could see this behaviour!
Speaking to the mum of the hell-rats
  • Felicity: So I said to my darling husband, am I being unreasonable here?
  • Margaret: Of course you - KEVIN STOP THAT! - weren't!
  • Player: Hello? Are you hell rats?
  • Felicity: Leave it out, Dave. You remember Margaret, don't you?
  • Margaret: Hi sweetie!
  • Felicity: Margaret just popped over with the - ALAN! PUT THAT DOWN! - kids for a bit of a natter.
  • Margaret: I love a nice natter.
  • Felicity: I tell you what though, Dave, you wouldn't be a love and keep an eye on the little ones for a bit, would you? Margaret's had a hell of a day and mine hasn't - RYAN! - been - RYAN! THAT DOES NOT GO IN YOUR MOUTH! - much better.
  • Player: I'm sorry, I'd love to help but I really don't have time for this.
  • Felicity: Now look, Dave. You told me you'd help out when I needed it, and this is me needing your help. Am I being unreasonable, Margaret?
  • Margaret: You're not being unreasonable, Felicity.
  • Felicity: Look, I tell you what Dave, let's compromise. I know they can be a bit of a - TERRY! WAX! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU?! - handful at times.
  • Margaret: A right handful!
  • Felicity: How about just three of them? Keep them occupied for a few hours. Take them out somewhere.
  • Player: I... suppose I could take them with me.
  • Felicity: Perfect. I'm sure they'll be absolute - PAMELA! - darlings. Where are you going?
  • Player: The desert, I think,[sic]
  • Felicity: Oh, they will love that.
  • Player: Which three should I take?
  • Felicity: Oh, whichever. Just pick out any three you like. Ciao!
Speaking to any of the named hell-rats that are not Margaret or Felicity
  • If speaking to them before you spoke with Margaret and Felicity:
    • Hell-Rat: The name is [name of hell-rat]. Mum wants to chat to you.
  • After speaking to Margaret and Felicity:
    • Hell-Rat: The name is [name of hell-rat].
      • Recruit Ryan?
        • Yes
          • Before recruiting two hell-rats:
            • You have gained [name of hell-rat] as a member in your taskforce!
            • Player: Look sharp, [name of hell-rat]. We're going on a mission!
          • After recruiting two hell-rats:
            • You have gained [name of hell-rat] as a member in your taskforce!
            • Player: Perfect. I suppose this is what Dave would do in this situation anyway. Okay hell rats, welcome to Dave's Doom Squad! Our mission is to find Dave! We will stop at nothing! We will let nothing and no one deter us!
            • Hell-Rat 1: But you are Dave!
            • Player: Permission to speak denied, [name of Hell-Rat 1]! This is a critical mission and what I need are loyal soldiers!
            • Hell-Rat 2: Yay a fun game!
            • Player: What's that you have to say, [name of Hell-Rat 2]?
            • Hell-Rat 2: Sir yes sir!
            • Hell-Rat 1: Sir where are we going sir? To find you, sir?
            • Player: I hope you've packed your waterskins, because we're heading out to... THE DESERT!
            • Hell-Rats: Oooooo.
            • Hell-Rat 3: Dessert? I love dessert! I want Agrith Na-Na!
            • Player: It's a long walk and Dave doesn't know any relevant teleport spells so we'd better get moving! Quick march!
            • Hell-Rats: SIR, YES SIR.
            • Player: Look sharp, [name of Hell-Rat 3]. We're going on a mission!
              • (Dialogue ends)
        • No
          • (Dialogue ends)

The Hot Sands of the Desert[edit | edit source]

Arriving at the Desert[edit | edit source]

Screen fades to black, and then back into the Desert just before Shantay's Pass, after the player climbed the stairs of the Basement of DOOM
  • Player: Phew, that was a long walk. The rats have stopped calling me sir. I'd better talk to Shantay before they get out of hand.

Getting past Shantay Pass[edit | edit source]

Opening the jail door
  • If before obtaining the coconut drink:
    • Shady Stranger: Whatdya want?
    • Player: I'd like to come in? Surely you want to come out?
    • Shady Stranger: I'm thirsty. Quench my thirst and we'll work out a deal.
    • Player: How does blood of a hell rat sound?
    • Shady Stranger: Something with a tropical vibe to it.
  • After obtaining a coconut drink:
    • Player: I've got you a drink, can I come in now?
    • Shady Stranger: Slide it through the bars and let me have it.
    • Player: How do I know I can trust you?
    • Shady Stranger: What have you got to lose?
    • Player: Ummm... Access to this potentially useful jail cell.
    • You hand the drink over the jailed stranger.[sic]
    • Shady Stranger: Ahhhh refreshing! Come on in!
Speaking to the Shady man inside the jail cell
  • Player: Thanks for letting me in.
  • Shady man: Hey no problem, thanks for the drink.
  • Player: If you can open the door, why haven't you left?
  • Shady man: I like it in here. It's quiet. Gives me time to think.
  • Player: Think about what?
  • Shady man: Oh, you know, life. Stuff. My addiction to staking. I decided I need to divest myself of all my worldly possessions.
  • Player: That's a big step.
  • Shady man: I know, right? Hey if you want it, you can have this diamond.
  • Player: You want to give me a diamond?
  • Shady man: Yeah.
  • Player: Why?
  • Shady man: Well, it's a worldly possession, so I'm divesting of it. Here, take it.
  • The shifty stranger hands you a valuable jewel.
  • Player: Er, thanks, I guess.
  • Shady man: Hey, no problem.
Searching the barrel inside the jail cell
  • If you have yet to take a barrel:
    • You take a large barrel.
  • If you already have a barrel in your inventory:
    • You can't hold any more barrels.
Speaking to the border guards
  • Al'Kharidian guard 1: ...but what can you do? In the end it's all about money isn't it?
  • Al'Kharidian guard 2: Tell me about it.
  • Al'Kharidian guard 1: So I have to stand here all day every day so I can save up for a ring. It won't even be a very nice one.
  • Al'Kharidian guard 2: Well, it's the love that matters, right?
  • Player: Hello there.
  • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Oh, hi Dave.
  • Al'Kharidian guard 2: Hi Dave.
  • Player: Wait... you guys know me too?
  • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Well Dave, other than the matter of you having literally just walked past us a few minutes ago, of course we do.
  • Al'Kharidian guard 2: Of course we do Dave.
  • If before obtaining the jewel:
    • Player: I wonder if I can find something the guards will like? That would be a nice thing to do.
  • After obtaining the jewel:
    • Player: Look, I found this diamond.
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Blimey, would you look at that? That looks like it's worth a bob or two.
    • Player: Do you want it?
    • Al'Kharidian guard: Want... it?
    • Player: I'm trying to concoct an ELABORATE SCHEME and I can't figure out how to make use of this diamond. Do you have any useful items to trade for it?
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Uh... let's see. I've got some buttons... some old keys that are just taking up space...
    • Al'Kharidian guard 2: I've got half a rabbit sandwich.
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: ... a jelly baby... some rope... no, nothing useful.
    • Player: Rope! That's exactly what I need.
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: You want to trade that valuable diamond for my old rope?
    • Player: Yes! Will you do it?
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Of course. Even if it's a fake it's worth more than the rope. Here you go.
    • You swap the diamond for some rope!
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: I was using the rope to pull the palm tree down so I can get to those hard to reach coconuts right at the top. But if I sell this, I can buy a ring, and I'll still never have to eat coconuts again.
    • Al'Kharidian guard 2: You're not going to just give her the diamond?
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Of course not! Then I wouldn't be able to split the money with you.
    • Al'Kharidian guard 2: Oh, thanks mate! Thanks very much!
    • Al'Kharidian guard 1: Besides, diamonds are a con anyway. It's the love that matters.
    • Al'Kharidian guard 2: You're not wrong.
    • Player: With this my SCHEME can come to FRUITION!
    • Al'Kharidian guard: Dave is so nice, isn't he?
    • Al'Kharidian guard 2: Yeah, top bloke that Dave.
Shaking the coconut tree
  • If you do not already have a coconut:
    • You shake the tree and a coconut drops down.
  • If you already have a coconut in your inventory:
    • You shake the tree but there are no coconuts left.
Attempting to break open the coconut
  • Player: There is no way that Dave's body has the strength to break this open. I'm going to have to find another way.
Speaking to Shantay
  • If speaking to for the first time:
    • Shantay: Dave!
    • Player: You... know me?
    • Shantay: Of course Dave. How could you forget your good and dear friend Shantay?
    • Player: Oh, I'm sorry, yes, of course, you're my good and dear friend.
    • Shantay: And might I say, good friend, you are rocking that lady look!
    • Player: Thanks!
    • Shantay: I myself have made use of the Makeover Mage many times. How do you say... 'Work it! Shantay sashay!'[sic] But enough of such levity. There is a serious matter to discuss as well. My people tell me Dave, you have been moving for some time at... moderate speed, and carrying items of contraband.
    • Player: What? Contraband? Me?
    • Shantay: Yes indeed! We are cracking down on smuggling of nonlethal polearms, concealable blades and fatty acids. I'm sorry to say that you must please hand over any such things immediately!
    • Player: I don't think I have anything like that.
    • Shantay: I can see them right there in your backpack, Dave. Please, hand them over. If you do not then I may be forced to make a display of my legendary swordsmanship.
    • Player: Oh, these?
    • Shantay confiscates all the cleaning products from you.
    • (Continues below)
  • If speaking to subsequently:
    • Player: Can I go on through?
    • Shantay: What else do you have in there? Do I hear... squeaking?
    • Player: Oh, these? These are just my, I mean Dave's, I mean my... HELL RAT DOOM SQUAD!! That... wasn't a helpful thing for me to say at all. I think Dave is getting to me.
    • Shantay: No evil rats past the border! Even for my good and dear friend Dave! You must hand them over at once!
    • Player: But they're my friends!
    • Shantay: Then you shall not pass.
    • Player: I'll have to find another way to get the rats past Shantay... Preferably something REALLY EVIL...
    • Shantay: What was that?
    • Player: Oh, nothing, nothing.
  • If spoken to with a coconut in your inventory:
    • Player: Hey Shantay, could you do me a solid and cut this coconut in half for me?
    • Shantay: Why?
    • Player: I want to see your legendary swordsmanship!
    • Shantay: But of course! I would be happy to demonstrate such things for my friend Dave.
    • Shantay slices the coconut in twain with a single blow.
    • Shantay: There you go.
  • if spoken to after smuggling all the hell-rats past him:
    • Player: Am I good to go? No restricted items, look.
    • Shantay: Hm... you do seem to be clean. Very well, go on through. But if I catch you trying to smuggle fatty acids again, Dave, I will have to tell your mother!
    • Player: Please don't. I don't want to get quadruple grounded.
    • (Dialogue ends)

The Smuggling of the Hell-Rats[edit | edit source]

Adding a hell-rat to the coconut shell
  • Player: Okay [name of Hell-Rat 3] I'm going to need you to sit in this coconut.
  • Hell-Rat 3: Why?
  • Player: I'm uh... I'm going to find somewhere high up and then throw you over the wall by bouncing you off an awning. The coconut is for your protection.
  • Hell-Rat 3: That sounds... AWESOME!
  • [Name of Hell-Rat 3] happily hops into the coconut.
  • Hell-Rat 3: It's like a boat! I'M THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP! ALL ABOOOARD! Launch me, Dave, launch me!
  • Player: Alright, alright. I just need to find somewhere high enough.
Throwing shell-rat
  • If not at a high enough point:
    • Player: I should try and find a highpoint to throw this from to ensure I can get it over.
    • Hell-Rat 3: ?!
  • If on the roof of the archway:
    • Player: Are you ready, [name of Hell-Rat 3]?
    • Hell-Rat 3: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! Do it! Launch me!
    • Player: Here we go!
    • Player throws the shell-rat
    • [Name of Hell-Rat 3] has successfully been smuggled through past Shantay. You have smuggled [x/3].
    • Player: I can't believe that actually worked.
Interactions with Barrel
  • Add Rat Barrel:
    • Player: Okay, [name of Hell-Rat 1], I'm going to need you to get in this barrel.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Oh HELL yeah!
    • The rat eagerly hops into the barrel.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Helloooooooo. It's echoey in here! Echo-echo-echo-echo...
  • Talk to Barrel:
    • Hell-Rat 1: Why am I in a barrel, Dave?
    • Player: I need to smuggle you over the border and this was the best I could come up with.
    • Hell-Rat 1: This barrel is very comfy
    • Player: How's that?
    • Hell-Rat 1: Someone left a nest in here!
    • You peer into the barrel, and see that someone has left a load of long, blonde hair in the barrel.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Hey, there's a note in here too.
    • Player: What does it say?
    • Hell-Rat 1: How should I know? I'm a rat, Dave, I can't read.
    • Player: Pass it here then.
    • [Name of Hell-Rat 1] holds up a note in its little mouth.
    • Player: Hm... 'Send help. Trapped in barrel. Being kidnapped by adventurers.' Looks like she never got to send it.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Can I have the note back?
    • Player: Why?
    • Hell-Rat 1: That's prime nesting material that is.
    • Player: Sure. Don't get too comfy though.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Why not?
    • Player: Because I'm going to roll this barrel right through that checkpoint!
    • Hell-Rat 1: I can't see anything wrong with that plan.
  • Roll Barrel (before wrapping the barrel in the old rug):
    • Player: Okay, let's do this thing!
    • Shantay: WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVE?
    • Player: I just want to roll this barrel through the checkpoint.
    • Shantay: You cannot do that Dave! The barrel could contain contraband!
    • Player: Darn. I was sure that was going to work.
    • [Name of Hell-Rat 1]'s nose appears over the side of the barrel.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Well, this isn't going to work.
    • Player: What are we going to do?
    • Hell-Rat 1: No idea, Dave. You're the cunningly evil one.
    • Player: You're right! I am cunning and evil. I just need to think of a suitable EVIL plan. I've got it!
    • Hell-Rat 1: What is it?!
    • Player: We'll disguise the barrel as something else! Then Shantay won't think it has contraband in it.
    • Hell-Rat 1: Brilliant, Dave!
    • Player: Thanks.
    • Hell-Rat 1: I see some big rolls of premo nesting material through there Dave.[sic]
    • Player: Carpets? Interesting...
  • Roll Carpet barrel (after wrapping the barrel in the old rug):
    • Player: Okay, let's do this thing!
    • Hell-Rat 1: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
    • Carpet barrel rolls to Shantay Pass
    • Shantay: WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVE?
    • Player: I'm just rolling this perfectly innocent carpet through the checkpoint. It's a special delivery! Just look at that magnificent Edgeville embroidery.
    • Shantay: I am suspicious, but since it is my good and dear friend Dave, who I know would never attempt to deceive me, I will let the carpet through.
    • Player: Thanks!
    • Hell-Rat 1: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
    • Shantay: What was that?
    • Player: Nothing but the wind...
    • [Name of Hell-Rat 1] has successfully been smuggled through past Shantay. You have smuggled [x/3].
Using the rope on the coconut tree
  • Player: Right, are you ready, [name of Hell-Rat 2]?
  • Hell-Rat 2: Ready for what Dave?
  • Player: I'm going to pull this tree down with this rope, then use it as a catapult to fling you over the checkpoint.
  • Hell-Rat 2: But that sounds dangerous Dave!
  • Player: Come on, you wanted an adventure didn't you?
  • Hell-Rat 2: You're right! Maybe I can be a famous adventurer like my dad was.
  • Player: Oh? What did your dad do?
  • Hell-Rat 2: He got his tail chopped off and his head crushed in trying to steal food from ogres.
  • Player: Oh...
  • Hell-Rat 2: But he never lost his sense of adventure! Let's do it!
  • Player: Okay!
  • The player pulls the coconut tree down with the rope, then releases it
  • [Name of Hell-Rat 1] has successfully been smuggled through past Shantay. You have smuggled [x/3].
Upon smuggling all the rats past Shantay
  • You've managed to smuggle all the rats past Shantay! Now you should be able to pass into the desert.
Going through Shantay Pass
  • Shantay: NO ENTRY WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST!

Breaking into the Meeting[edit | edit source]

Screen fades to black, and then back into near the Kalphite Hive
  • Player: Here we are - between the Elid and the Kalphite Hive. We're either in the wrong place, or the White Knights have hopped into one of these holes. Guess I better get searching.
Searching the wrong hole on the surface of the desert
  • You reach your hand inside the hole...
  • You may get one of the following messages at random:
    • Game message 1:
      • ...and find nothing.
    • Game message 2:
      • ...and find a swarm of scarabs.
    • Game message 3:
      • ...and find a really valuable gem! But you can't get it out.
    • Game message 4:
      • ...and prick yourself on a sand covered cactus.
    • Game message 5:
      • ...and pull out some Kalphite dung! Yuck!
Searching the right hole on the surface of the desert
  • You reach your hand inside the hole...
  • ...and find a scroll instructing the white knights to meet here! How convenient!
  • Player: Well, if this is any clue to go by then the cave must be around here somewhere! Okay [name of Hell-Rat 1], I'm going to need you to go inside this hole and see if you can find me any more clues.
  • Hell-Rat 1: Roger that!
  • Screen fades to black
  • After a while you hear a voice shout up.
  • Hell-Rat 1: I've found something. I can hear voices!
  • Hell-Rat 3: Uh oh, [name of Hell-Rat 1] is hearing the voices in his head again.
  • Hell-Rat 1: No no! This time they're for real.
  • Hell-Rat 3: Just like that time you told us it was Hallowe'en at Christmas and we all dressed up for Christmas dinner.
  • Player: Okay enough you two. [Name of Hell-Rat 1] what can you hear?
  • Hell-Rat 1: Something something about a ceramic vase... what an odd thing to be hearing down here.
  • Player: Sir Amik Varze! This is the place! Okay, can you find any way for me to come down?
  • Hell-Rat 1: There are an awful lot of tunnels down here! I'll take a look.

A hell-rat's point of view[edit | edit source]

  • Screen fades in. You are now in control of a hell-rat in a room full of holes
  • A random hole will lead you deeper into the caverns. The correct hole is marked with a subtle twinkle.

Entering a hole[edit | edit source]

  • If it is the right hole:
    • The voices are getting louder, you're getting closer.
  • If it's the wrong hole:
    • You enter the wrong hole and your progress has been reset.

After entering four right holes in a row[edit | edit source]

  • Sir Fsup: So, this is it.
  • White Knight: This is it.
  • Sir Fsup: Saradomin's on the other side.
  • White Knight: Yup.
  • Sir Fsup: We're going into a sinkhole, stepping directly into the 60th Floor of Daemonheim. Zamorak's hideout. Where Zamorak is.
  • White Knight: Yup.
  • Sir Fsup: We're going to ambush a god.
  • White Knight: Are you going to knock on the door, or should I?
  • Sir Fsup: You do it.
  • The white knights enter the mysterious entrance.

Talking to Doris when resuming the quest from this point[edit | edit source]

  • Would you like to continue 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'?
    • Yes.
      • Screen fade out/in. The player is in Evil Dave's body.
      • Player: We found a clue in the desert with the help of our hell-rat DOOM SQUAD, we should explore the holes further.
    • No.
      • (Non-quest dialogue.)

Attempting to enter the mysterious entrance as a hell-rat[edit | edit source]

  • Hell-Rat 1: What is this?
  • You press your tiny, rat ears against the stone.
  • Screen fades out
  • Saradomin: He's a fool. Zamorak has built dozens of these resource dungeons, and they're all direct routes to Daemonheim.
  • Sir Amik Varze: The last of the troops have arrived sir. Shall we start the offensive?
  • Saradomin: Could Zamorak really be that naive? Yes, you may start your operation.
  • Hell-Rat 1: Sounds like it's all kicking off! Better get back to Dave.
  • (Continues below.)

Dave and the Ambush of the White Knights[edit | edit source]

  • Meanwhile inside the mysterious entrance...
  • Screen fades in to Saradomin facing Sir Amik Varze and three white knights, with Dave in the player's body hiding behind some rubble
  • Sir Amik Varze: The advance scouts report that Zamorak is alone in his chamber. Now is our chance.
  • Saradomin: Your knights are prepared? They will keep to the plan?
  • Sir Amik Varze: They will keep Zamorak alone and undefended, remove all artefacts from his grasp, and then you arrive.
  • Saradomin: And I take the head of Zamorak.
  • Sir Amik Varze: Sir Ten-lee is waiting for your word.
  • Dave: BOBBINS!
  • Sir Amik Varze: That's an odd choice of word, sir.
  • Saradomin: Fool. There's someone else here. Spread out and find them. I fear our plan may be compromised.
  • Screen fades to black, then back to the player standing in the room with the mysterious entrance
  • Player: So this is where the secret meeting must be taking place. The great discovery Sir Amik was talking about. I'm betting Dave is already inside, I'd better get him and get our bodies swapped back.

Zamorak's Hideout[edit | edit source]

Reuniting with Dave[edit | edit source]

Player enters the mysterious entrance, and appears near Dave
  • Player: Dave!
  • Dave: It's me! I mean you!
  • Player: In the name of all that is evil, what have you done in MY body?
  • Dave: Says the person who turned me into a woman.
  • Player: You can turn back at the Makeover Mage whenever you want, but look what you did! You've deceived the White Knights and Saradomin. You've put me in cahoots with Zamorak, against my will. A flipping god-battle is about to start. And I have had it up to HERE with doing your chores. We are doing that blasted ritual again. Right here, right now.
  • Dave: I won't be told what to do, not by you, and not by mum. This is my chance to prove myself to Zamorak. You know what that means? I get to be someone. I get to make a difference. I get to be someone other than myself. I get to be you. Forgive me, Player. I can't let you stop me... let me stop me... let me stop you?
  • Dave walks towards the player, and the screen fades out, then back in with the player's hands tied behind their back
  • Dave: I don't expect you to understand.
  • Player: Dave, you're making a serious mistake! Untie me now!
  • Dave: You sound like my mum. Well, expect for the untying bit.
  • Screen fades to black

The Disrupted Secret Meeting[edit | edit source]

  • Screen fades to just Saradomin facing Sir Amik Varze and his white knights
  • Saradomin: It appears we have some uninvited guests amongst us.
  • Dave: Saradomin. I can't let you go any further.
  • Sir Plyan Demand: Who is this fool!?
  • Saradomin: Player? How do you know about the ambush? Sir Amik?
  • Sir Amik Varze: *gulp*
  • Dave: I found out about this, Saradomin. I was NEFARIOUS and SCHEMING and EVERYTHING INBETWEEN.
  • Dave pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and clears his throat. He's been preparing this speech.
  • Dave: Your time has come, Saradomin. You are my KEBBIT and I am the DEADFALL TRAP. And Zamorak is the HUNTER who will clear the trap and make you into GLOVES OF SARADOMIN. That sense of DOOM you are feeling is my EVIL TRAP snapping shut. CARLOS UBER CHRYSANTHEMUM PERCY JACKSON!
  • Sir Amik Varze: Was something meant to happen?
  • Dave: Sorry, the spell is a little smudged.
  • Sir Plyan Demand: Who is this fool?
  • Saradomin: I know you, Player... This isn't you.
  • Dave: I will capture you. And I will bring you to Zamorak. I am going to be his right-hand man. And as his right-hand, I am going to be there for FISTBUMPS, HIGH-FIVES and ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS. I will always be there for Zamorak. And I will never let him down. CARLEM ABER CAMERINTHUM PURCHAI GABINDO!
  • Zamorak: HAHAHAHAHA!
  • Dave: Zamorak? I... I was capturing Saradmoin. I was doing it for you.
  • Scene shifts to a view from another direction
  • Saradomin: White Knights! Call to arms!
  • A white knight runs forward, away from the group, before stopping, as Zamorak appears in a black cloud, which then dissipates, revealing Zamorak and the white knight now dead on the floor before him
  • Zamorak: If you fill my house with ants, is it my fault if I step on one?
  • Sir Amik Varze: Sir Tenlee! Zamorak, you blackguard!
  • Saradomin: Rally to me, knights!
  • Zamorak: You thought you could come into my home? You thought you could take my head? You thought you could do it all without me knowing? I had Moia reach into the World Guardian's mind. I know everything of your plan. But it seems the World Guardian is loyal to me anyway.
  • Saradomin: He has too much power here! Knights, retreat!
  • Dave: This is looking horrible, I'm out of here!
  • Dave walks up to then jumps under an empty cooking range

Run, Escape![edit | edit source]

Being freed
  • Scene shifts back to the player and a black knight
  • Black Knight: What are you? Magical support?
  • Player: Er...yes. An evil servant of Zamorak! Please untie me so I may do his bidding!
  • Black Knight: Alright, let me get that for you.
  • The knight unties you.
  • Player: I'd better go get Dave and teleport out of here before things get messy!

Saradomin vs Zamorak[edit | edit source]

(Saradomin and Zamorak will periodically call two White Knights and two Black Knights, respectively. When they do so, each god will utter one of the following lines. The knights will charge at each other and then die by magic balls conjured by their rival god.)

  • (Saradomin:)
    • Saradomin: Amik! Call in more knights!
    • Saradomin: I wonder if your followers know you're the betrayer you truly are
    • Saradomin: Just as cowardly as the last time we met
    • Saradomin: You shall fall Zamorak. Good will always triumph
  • (Zamorak:)
    • Zamorak: Disgusting ants
    • Zamorak: I see your pet Amik still clings to leg
    • Zamorak: May chaos reign above you
    • Zamorak: Watch your knights fall to my fury
    • Zamorak: Your forces are still just as weak Saradomin

Grabbing Dave from the empty cooking range[edit | edit source]

  • Cutscene begins.
  • Player: Dave? It's me.
  • Dave: Go away! A man died... like DIED-DIED. This isn't right. This isn't EVIL. This isn't how it was meant to go at all.
  • Player: Dave, you have to listen to me. We need to get out of here.
  • Dave: What have I done? I've ruined it all.
  • Player: Dave!
  • Dave: Zamorak thinks I'm an idiot... actually he thinks you're an idiot.
  • Player: Don't worry. My reputation speaks for itself. Saradomin and Zamorak will figure out that it wasn't really me.
  • Dave: Nothing matters any more...
  • Player: I need to snap Dave out of this. Hm... Wait, I know! David Bartholomew Karloff! You will come with me right now!
  • Dave: Okay! Alright! Let's go!
  • Screen fade out/in. The player and Evil Dave watch Zamorak and Saradomin, who are facing each other in the middle of the room, amidst corpses of White Knights and Black Knights.
  • Dave: On second thoughts I can't take all this carnage!
  • Player: Guess he really doesn't have the stomach for this... Okay Dave, we can leave. Back to Edgeville to swap our bodies!
  • Zamorak: Emergency teleport! The World Guardian was working for the other side! It was all a trap.
  • Dave: But I'm the World Guardian and I've just let Zamorak down...
  • Saradomin: Don't let Zamorak escape!
  • Player: Probably time we got out of here too!
  • Dave: Please don't leave me here! I don't want to die... I'm too young and EVIL to die.
  • Player: I said WE Dave, as in you and I. I'm not letting you out of my sight now I've finally found you. DAVE GRAB ON!
  • Evil Dave and the player teleport away. Screen fade out/in. They arrive at Ice Mountain. Doris and Brother Jered can be seen in the distance.
  • Player: This is not where I teleported... I teleported us to Edgeville.
  • Dave: No you didn't. I did the teleport. I panicked and teleported to the goblin village.
  • Player: What? Why would you even do that? How can you even do that?
  • Dave: Well it's a pretty simple spell you see, all I have to do is attempt to teleport to Falador and always overshoot.
  • Player: Well great... We should go home.
  • Dave: Looks like the Ice Mountain near my house so shouldn't be too long of a walk!
  • Mum: And that Brother Jered, is the secret recipe...
  • Dave: Dave... that sounds like...[sic]
  • [Player and Dave]: MOTHER!
  • [Player and Dave]: ARGHHHHHHHHH
  • Mum: Davey? Is that you?
  • Dave: No. It's Player. I'm just out for a walk... How is Dave? Is he well?
  • Player: Dave she can see me.
  • Mum: I SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GROUNDED!
  • Dave: You got me grounded?
  • Player: Triple grounded...
  • Dave: Triple grounded?!
  • Mum: YOU ARE BOTH COMING BACK TO THE HOUSE WITH ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!
  • Player: Good job Dave.
  • Dave, Doris and the player appear at Doris's house.
  • Doris: David, I just don't know what to do with you. Don't you have any respect for me at all? Go to your room! I'll quadruple ground you later!
  • Player: Yes mum.
  • Dave: Yes mum.
  • Doris: Not you! What's your problem? Hm? Dragging a good boy like Dave off around the world? Are you trying to get him killed? You want him to die at the top of a mountain?
  • Dave: But Mum, it's me! I'm home!
  • Doris: Dave I told you to go to your room! I'm going to give Player a piece of my mind!
  • Screen fade out/in. The player appears in the basement.
  • Hell-Rat 1: Yay! We're home! Time for some well-earned R&R.
  • The rest of the Doom Squad scatter.
  • Hell-Rat 1: Hey, what's wrong Dave?
  • Player: I went all that way and I'm still grounded...
  • Hell-Rat 1: Cheer up Dave! Let's go sit on the bed and talk about it.

Finishing up[edit | edit source]

Attempting to climb up the stairs[edit | edit source]

  • Doris: You disgust me, you poor excuse for a person. Think you're better than me? Think you're better than Dave? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE Player.
  • Player: I should probably stay out of there, it sounds violent. She told me to clean so i'd better make sure this place is spotless!

Attempting to clean the bed[edit | edit source]

  • Hell-Rat 1: What's this all about Dave?
  • Player: I've been body swapped with Dave, and I need him to do the ritual again. I went all that way to find him, but now mum is going to throw him out because he's a bad influence on me.
  • Hell-Rat 1: You've been what with who, Dave?
  • Player: Wait... If Dave is in the house right now, maybe the ritual can still swap us back! But I'll need someone unspeakably evil to help me conduct the ritual!
  • Hell-Rat 1: Did you say unspeakably evil, Dave?
  • Player: Yes.
  • Hell-Rat 1: Nothing more evil than a hell rat, Dave.
  • Player: Of course! Quick, let's reassemble the Doom Squad!
  • I'll just leave this bed alone for now.

Catching hell-rats[edit | edit source]

  • Ultimate Doomly Doom Squad assembled: [x]/5
  • (First rat:)
    • Player: Hey, want to help out with a ritual of ultimate doomly doom?
    • Hell-Rat: You don't even need to ask!
    • Player: Great! Hm... my evil senses tell me I'll need another four rats.
  • (Second rat:)
    • Player: Ritual of ultimate doomly doom. Are you in?
    • Hell-Rat: Am I in? Am I ever!
    • Player: Three more to go!
  • (Third rat:)
    • Player: Ritual. Doomly doom. Let's go!
    • Hell-Rat: AW yeah!
    • Player: Two more!
  • (Fourth rat:)
    • Player: Yo rat, up for some evil?
    • Hell-Rat: Dave, I thirst for evil always. I yearn for it.
    • Player: Nice. I just need one more.
  • (Fifth rat:)
    • Hell-Rat: What's all the excitement Dave?
    • Player: We're gonna do a ritual!
    • Hell-Rat: Sweet! I love rituals. What ritual?
    • Player: Only the RITUAL OF ULTIMATE DOOMLY DOOM!
    • Hell-Rat: Oh, that one is my favourite! Can I come?
    • Player: Of course! Looks like that's all the rats I need!
    • (Continues below.)

The final ritual[edit | edit source]

  • Screen fade out/in. The player and five hell-rats are opposite a badly drawn pentagram.
  • Player: BLOOD OF A HELL RAT! Again, really sorry Pamela.
  • Pamela: Dave I've told you it's fine.
  • Player: PHLEGMATIC HUMOUR! UNWASHED SOCKS! SPEAK THEM! SPEAK THE WORDS WITH ME!
  • Darren: DOOM
  • Player: Terry go!
  • Terry: DOOM
  • Player: Ryan!
  • Ryan: DOOM
  • Player: Tricky bit Kevin!
  • Kevin: DA DA DOOM
  • Player: Fantastic - it's all down to you Ryan!
  • Ryan: EVIL DOOM
  • Player: ALL TOGETHER NOW!
  • Doris: NOT SO FAST YOUNG MAN!
  • Doris walks into the basement and towards the badly drawn pentagram, opposite the player.
  • Doris: I have had ENOUGH of this NONSENSE Davey!
  • Player: NO NO NO GET OUT THE WAY!
  • Dave walks into the basement and towards the badly drawn pentagram.
  • Dave: Quick! Let's swap our bodies back while mum is... Uh oh.
  • [Hell-Rats]: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
  • The three humans are risen into the air, rotating in circles a few times and eventually swap their souls. Screen fade out/in. The player appears in the ground floor, back in their original body. They wake up from the floor.

Talking to "Doris"[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Doris! This has NOT been a pleasant day!
  • Doris: Ahahahahaha!
  • Player: Doris?
  • Doris: It's me!
  • Player: Yes, I know you're you.
  • Doris: No Player, it's me Dave! I got put in mum's body!
  • Player: Of course you did...
  • Doris: This is great!
  • Player: What? Why is it great?
  • Doris: Well mum's always complaining about all those aches and pains she gets. This will be like having a holiday in a younger body for her! Don't worry, I'll look after her, do all the shopping and everything. But if she's bad... MUAHAHAHA! I'll quintuple ground her! When she gets bored of it we can switch back again!
  • Player: Alls well that ends well then, I suppose...
  • Doris: Listen, Player. I know you wanted to let me have a taste of the adventuring life...
  • Player: That's not true at all! You stole my body!
  • Doris: But it was really scary and horrible! I think I'll leave it to you from now on.
  • Player: Probably for the best.
  • Doris: Instead I shall redouble my evil efforts! The world has not seen the last of EVIL DORIS!
  • Player: You mean Evil Dave?
  • Doris: EVIL DAVE!
  • Congratulations! You have completed: 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out' - Complete this Intermediate quest.
  • Quest complete!
  • Player receives Magic XP lamp (Evil Dave's Big Day Out), Herblore XP lamp (Evil Dave's Big Day Out), Agility XP lamp (Evil Dave's Big Day Out) and Cooking XP lamp (Evil Dave's Big Day Out).

Post-quest dialogue[edit | edit source]

"Doris"[edit | edit source]

  • Would you like to talk about?
    • 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'.
      • Player: Hello Dor-uh Dave?
      • Doris: Big Momma.
      • Player: Great, let's move the conversation on. How are things?
      • Doris: In a word, INCREDIBLE. Everything has been an ENTHRALLING ADVENTURE. I go off on a range of journies every day; I go to COOL HOME GROUPS, I make EXQUISITE JAM, buy LUXURIOUS PRODUCE from the shop and even go to the TOILET.
      • Player: Glad you're enjoying it... Did you not go to the toilet before?
      • Doris: But if I'm honest I don't know how she ever afforded to do all those things. Fruit costs MONEY. Dishes cost MONEY. All she ever did was stand around all day or go to hang with Gertrude. Who is the NICEST by the way So uh, you got any of that money?
      • Player: Me? Money? Nah! You could always try asking Doris how she did it!
      • Doris: Evil Doris is being a sulky sausage. Ah well, I'll keep trying.
    • Other.
      • (Non-quest dialogue.)

"Evil Dave"[edit | edit source]

  • Evil Dave: Welcome to my BASEMENT OF DOOM!
  • Select an option
    • 'Evil Dave's Big Day Out'.
      • (If Dave's spellbook has not been previously obtained:)
        • Player: Hello Dav-uh Doris?
        • Dave (Doris?) doesn't seem to want to talk to you.
        • Player: I'm sorry Dor-ave, I just wanted to get back into my own body!
        • Doris (Dave?) throws a book at you. It's the book that Dave used to bodyswap!
        • Player receives Dave's spellbook.
        • Player: Thanks I guess, I'll leave you alone now and have a proper read of this book.
      • (With Dave's spellbook:)
        • Player: Hello Dav-uh Doris?
        • Evil Dave: Look who it is, The Troublemaker.
        • Player: How are you finding being Dave?
        • Evil Dave: At first I thought this could be catharsis. I could be the Dave that he never was. I could show him how much better of a Dave I was than him. But soon, it became obvious to me. I could make Dave a better person. I could show Dave what it was like to be Dave. I could make Dave pay.
        • Player: How did that work out for you?
        • Evil Dave: He doesn't care. He just loves being me. But I learned something. Now I know why Dave wants be evil. Any manner of COLD REPRIEVE is preferable to living out such a MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE.
        • Player: Uh, I'm going to go. Catch you later?
        • Evil Dave: GOODBYE DEARIE. GOODBYE.
      • (If Dave's spellbook has been lost:)
        • Would you like to reclaim Dave's book?
          • Yes
          • Doris throws you another one of Dave's books.
          • Player receives Dave's spellbook.
          • Evil Dave: Don't worry if you lose it again. One thing I've learned living as Dave is that he writes a lot of books.
          • No
    • General chat.
      • (Non-quest dialogue.)