Transcript of Drunken Dwarf v. The People

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This transcript involves dialogue with Clerk, Judge, Prosecutor, Defender, The Jury, Drunken Dwarf, Botros, Karim, and the player.

Court documents[edit | edit source]

Court summons[edit | edit source]

The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Court summons (Drunken Dwarf v. The People).

Court summons

You have been summoned to the Seers' Village courthouse to work on the case of Drunken Dwarf vs The People. Please present yourself to the court clerk at your earliest convenience.

Fingerprint report[edit | edit source]

The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Case report 1 (Drunken Dwarf v. The People).

Fingerprint Report

Match the culprit's fingerprints to those of the suspect.

Culprit

Botros
Drunken Dwarf
Kebab Seller

Circumstances and evidence[edit | edit source]

The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Case report 2 (Drunken Dwarf v. The People).

Suspect: Drunken Dwarf
Case Background: A man named Botros reported to local authorities that he had been attacked by a drunken dwarf while woodcutting in Seers' Village. Botros reported that said dwarf threw rockes at him, and refused to leave him alone until they had a conversation. The Drunken Dwarf was tracked down to Al Kharid, where he was buying a kebab. The kebab seller made a statement that the dwarf was a great customer, and had never given him any trouble. In fact, the dwarf often gave kebabs to those in need.
On arrest, the following items were found on the dwarf's preson:
1 Empty beer glass
1 Kebab.
A rock was found at the scene of the alleged crime. A fingerprint was extracted from it.

There is no need to interview witnesses in preparation for this case.

Character background[edit | edit source]

The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Case report 3 (Drunken Dwarf v. The People).

Suspect: Drunken Dwarf
Background: The Drunken Dwarf hails from the city of Keldagrim, but appears to travel the world spreading good cheer. His favourite frink is beer, and his favourite food is kebab.

Victim: Botros
Background:Botros keeps to himself and doesn't like talking to others. He generally trains woodcutting in Lumbridge or Seers' Village. Occasionally, he likes to throw caution to the wind and train fishing instead.

Witness: Kebab seller
Background: The kebab seller works in Al Kharid and runs a prosperous business selling kebabs. One of his best customers is the Drunken Dwarf.

There is no need to interview witnesses in preparation for this case.

Pre-trial[edit | edit source]

Starting the case[edit | edit source]

Talking to the Clerk about the Court summons[edit | edit source]

Searching the File cabinet[edit | edit source]

Talking to the Drunken Dwarf[edit | edit source]

  • Drunken Dwarf: 'Allo matey! I di'nt do nuffin'.

Enter the court room[edit | edit source]

Trial[edit | edit source]

Commencement[edit | edit source]

Opening statement[edit | edit source]

If prosecuting:

  • Player: Thank you, Your Honour. Members of the Jury, I am going to present evidence that decisively proves the Drunken Dwarf behaved indecently in an inebriated state, and that he attacked an innocent citizen.
  • (Same as 'Your Honour, I'd like to present evidence.' below.)

If defending:

Talking to the judge[edit | edit source]

  • Judge: What can I do for you?
    • Your Honour, could you explain what I need to do?
    • Your Honour, I'd like to present evidence.
    • Your Honour, I'd like to call a witness.
      • Player: Your Honour, I would like to call a witness.
        • Choose your witness:
          • Drunken Dwarf.
          • Victim.
          • Kebab seller.
          • No one at this time. I would like to present physical evidence.
          • No one at this time. I would like to finish and summarise my case.
            • Player: No one at this time, Your Honour. I would like to finish my presentation by summarising my case to the Jury.
            • (Proceed to 'Summary' below.)
    • Your Honour, I'd like to summarise my case.
      • Player: Your Honour, I would like to finish by summarising my case to the Jury.
      • (Proceed to 'Summary' below.)

Presenting evidence[edit | edit source]

Fingerprint[edit | edit source]

If prosecuting:

  • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, if I could draw your attention to Prosecution Evidence #1: A fingerprint found on a rock at the scene of the crime.
  • If the player did not find the mathing fingerprint:
    • Player: You'll, uh, see a fingerprint. It's kind of swirly. It could be the dwarf's!
    • The Jury reacts to the argument.
    • The jury disagrees with your argument.
    • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
  • If the player found the mathing fingerprint:
    • Player: You can see clearly that this fingerprint is none other than the Drunken Dwarf's. He clearly used this rock to harrass Mr. Botros.
    • The Jury reacts to the argument.
    • The jury agrees with your argument.
    • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)

If defending:

  • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, if I could draw your attention to Prosecution Evidence #1: A fingerprint found on a rock at the scene of the crime.
  • If the player did not find the mathing fingerprint:
    • Player: You'll, uh, see a fingerprint. It's kind of swirly. It could be anyone's fingerprint!
    • The Jury reacts to the argument.
    • The jury disagrees with your argument.
    • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
  • If the player found the mathing fingerprint:
    • Player: It is clearly my client's fingerprint on the rock, but there is nothing linking the rock to anything allegedly thrown at Mr. Botros. My client could have been skimming rocks, juggling or breaking open clams.
    • The Jury reacts to the argument.
    • The jury agrees with your argument.
    • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)

Beer glass[edit | edit source]

If prosecuting:

  • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could draw your attention to Prosecution Evidence #2: An empty beer glass.
  • The Prosecution presents the empty beer glass as evidence.
  • What do you want to say?
    • It's made of glass AND it smells of beer.
      • Player: This beer glass is clearly made of glass AND it smells of beer. Uh, case closed.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • It was found on the dwarf at time of arrest.
      • Player: This beer glass was found on the dwarf's person when he was arrested. The glass was empty, because the beer was swilling about inside the Defendant. He was clearly past a safe threshold of alcoholic consumption, and became prone to aggressive behaviour.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the beer glass before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • Glasses like this are commonly found in pubs.
      • Player: Glasses like this are commonly found in pubs. Sometimes they are dropped by monsters. Anyone know why that happens? Anyone?
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the beer glass before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)

If defending:

  • Manfeg: Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could draw your attention to Prosecution Evidence #2: An empty beer glass.
  • What do you want to say?
    • It's made of glass AND it smells of beer.
      • Player: This beer glass is made of glass AND it smells of beer. I'd like to hear the Prosecution try to deny that!
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • It was found on the dwarf at the time of arrest.
      • Player: The beer glass was found on the dwarf's person when he was arrested. It was empty, implying that he drank it. But, that doesn't mean he's an angry drunk! He might be a sleepy drunk, or one of those drunks given to uncontrollable sneezing fits.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the beer glass before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • Glasses like this are commonly found in pubs.
      • Player: Glasses like this are commonly found in pubs, which means my client recently patronised a pub, and kept the glass for reasons that are unimportant. It does not mean that he was drunk at the time or that he was even at the scene of the crime. It is an empty beer glass, pure and simple.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the beer glass before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)

Kebab[edit | edit source]

If prosecuting:

  • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could draw your attention to Prosecution Evidence #3: A kebab.
  • The Prosecution presents a kebab as evidence.
  • What do you want to say?
    • The dwarf likes to hand out kebabs.
      • Player: The Drunken Dwarf has reportedly given kebabs away to those in need. It's a curious generous streak in an otherwise patchy character.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the kebab before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • The dwarf was eating the kebab when arrested.
      • Player: The dwarf was eating the kebab when he was arrested. It's not something that someone sober would choose to munch on.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • This kebab was purchased by the dwarf.
      • Player: The kebab was purchased by the dwarf from the kebab seller in Al Kharid. He was patronising a kebab house, which only encourages the eating and selling of kebabs. Yuck.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the kebab before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)

If defending:

  • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, if I could draw your attention to Prosecution Evidence #3: A kebab.
  • What do you want to say?
    • The dwarf likes to hand out kebabs.
      • Player: The Drunken Dwarf is known for giving kebabs away to those in need. He is clearly a giving person who likes to help others: a slightly sozzled Robin Hood, if you will.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the kebab before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • The dwarf was eating the kebab when arrested.
      • Player: The dwarf was eating the kebab when he was arrested. Imagine how difficult it was to understand him while he was stuffing his face with it.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)
    • This kebab was purchased by the dwarf.
      • Player: The kebab was purchased from the kebab seller in Al Kharid. The Defendant was simply patronising a small business, enjoying the seller's company and acting in a manner that we would all consider to be civil.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the kebab before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Proceed to 'What evidence do you want to present?' above.)

Cross-examination[edit | edit source]

Drunken Dwarf[edit | edit source]

Both if prosecuting and defending:

  • Ask about:
    • The attack.
      • Player: Could you tell us about the alleged attack on Mr. Botros?
      • Drunken Dwarf: Hey, matey!
      • Player: Uh, hello. Could you please tell us about the incident?
      • Drunken Dwarf: I'm talkin' to you, matey!
      • Player: So you are. Will you please answer the question?
      • Drunken Dwarf: Awww, I'm so lonely.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • Drunkenness.
      • Player: You're called the Drunken Dwarf, and no-one has ever seen you sober. Would you agree, then, that you were drunk at the time of the alleged attack?
      • Drunken Dwarf: I hates you[sic], [Player].
      • Player: Well! That's uncalled for!
      • Drunken Dwarf: Ish not![sic]
      • Player: Are you drunk now?
      • Drunken Dwarf: *hick* I hope I'm not sober! If I am, then I got serious problems.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • The rock.
      • Player: A rock was found at the scene of the crime, and the alleged victim claims you threw it at him. Can you tell us about this rock?
      • Drunken Dwarf: Hey, matey!
      • Player: Please focus on the question Mr. Dwarf!
      • Drunken Dwarf: I'm all alone!
      • Player: I'm getting nowhere with this.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • That's all, for now.
      • Player: That's all, for now. Thank you.
      • (Dialogue ends.)
  • If the player asked all three of the questions above:
    • Judge: I think it's apparent that this witness is inebriated and cannot coherently answer questions about the case. His testimony should be stricken from the record.
    • If prosecuting:
      • Player: But he's a key witness! Can't we sober him up?
    • If defending:
      • Player: But my client must have the chance to defend himself! Can't we sober him up?
    • Judge: I'm not sure there is a substance in this world that could sober that dwarf up.
    • (Dialogue ends.)

Victim[edit | edit source]

If prosecuting:

  • Ask about:
    • Can you tell us about the attack?
      • Player: Can you tell us about the attack?
      • Botros: Teh dwarf tele'd in and kept SHOUTING!!!!1[sic] I had chat turned off so ignored him. Dwarf lost it and agro'd me.
      • Player: Did you notice if the dwarf was drunk at the time?
      • Botros: He's called the Drunken Dwarf, rofl! Dud3[sic] was totally wasted.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the victim before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • Can you tell us about your skilling habits?
      • Player: Would you tell us about your skilling habits?
      • Botros: What?
      • Player: Well, what do you do most of the time?
      • Botros: Lolz, I do woodcutting. Somtimes[sic] I fish, ftw!
      • Player: Do you do anything else? I hear dungeoneering is quite fun.
      • Botros: Uh, I prefer skills that I can - you know - train AFK.
      • Player: Wait, you train AFK?
      • Botros: Lolz so wat? U cant[sic] do anything.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the victim before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • What can you tell us about the rock?
      • Player: What can you tell us about the rock?
      • Botros: **** threw rock at me b4[sic] I could respond. It redberried me.
      • Player: Indeed.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • That's all, for now.
      • Player: That's all, for now. Thank you.
      • (Dialogue ends.)

If defending:

  • Ask about:
    • Can you tell us about the attack?
      • Player: Would you tell us about the attack?
      • Botros: Teh dwarf tele'd in and kept SHOUTING!!!!1[sic] I had chat turned off so ignored him. Dwarf lost it and agro'd me.
      • Player: If you had chat turned off, how could you tell he was drunk?
      • Botros: Noob! He's called the Drunken Dwarf, rofl! Dud3[sic] was totally wasted.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the victim before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • Can you tell us about your skilling habits?
      • Player: Would you tell us about your skilling habits?
      • Botros: You want 2 no about my mad skillz?[sic]
      • Player: Just what you do regularly. That will do.
      • Botros: Lolz, I do woodcutting. Somtimes I fish, ftw![sic]
      • Player: Surely, someone saying 'hello' is a welcome relief from the usual grind? Would it have been so difficult to say hello to the dwarf?
      • Botros: ...mumble mumble...
      • Player: I'm sorry, what did you say?
      • Botros: I didnt notice him. I wuz...AFK![sic]
      • Player: No!
      • Botros: Lolz so wat?[sic]
      • Player: Mr. Botros, if you were AFK, you cannot have been paying full attention to your surroundings. What else did you miss while AFK? Did you even see my client at all?
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the victim before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • What can you tell us about the rock?
      • Player: What can you tell us about the rock?
      • Botros: **** threw rock at me b4 I could respond. It even redberried me.[sic]
      • Player: I have no idea what you just said.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • That's all, for now.
      • Player: That's all, for now. Thank you.
      • (Dialogue ends.)

Kebab seller[edit | edit source]

If prosecuting:

  • Ask about:
    • Have you seen the Drunken Dwarf attack anyone?
      • Player: Have you seen the Drunken Dwarf attack anyone?
      • Karim: Never! He's usually drunk as a skunk, but he's a nice bloke. I've never seen him hurt anyone, and he likes talking to people. I just think he's lonely.
      • Player: But is he just lonely because he hurts everyone he meets?
      • Karim: Well, he's never hurt me.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the kebab seller before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • How well do you know the Drunken Dwarf?
      • Player: How well do you know the Drunken Dwarf?
      • Karim: I've known him for years. He's my best customer. He's always completely wasted, but he's polite when buying his kebab. Sometimes he stays and talks, so I think he likes the company. I don't think his home life is a happy one.
      • Player: Do you see him interact with people away from your stand?
      • Karim: No. As a small business man, I spend almost all of my time at the stand. I've heard customers complaining that he can get too rowdy and often gets thrown out of pubs.
      • Player: That paints an interesting picture. It sounds like he is a very troubled person, who can't control what he does.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the kebab seller before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • Do you serve many like him?
      • Player: Do you serve many like him?
      • Karim: No, none of my other customers really compare to him in terms of drunkenness. No one seems to appreciate kebabs as much as he does, either. He understands the fine art that is the making of a kebab.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • That's all, for now.
      • Player: That's all, for now. Thank you.
      • (Dialogue ends.)

If defending:

  • Ask about:
    • Have you seen the Drunken Dwarf attack anyone?
      • Player: Have you seen the Drunken Dwarf attack anyone?
      • Karim: Never! He's drunk as a skunk, but he's a very nice bloke. I've never seen him hurt anyone, and he likes talking to people. I just think he's a little lonely.
      • Manfeg: The dwarf may not be socially capable, but he's got a good heart.
      • If the Jury didn't disagree with the player's argument about the kebab seller before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury agrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • How well do you know the Drunken Dwarf?
      • Player: How well do you know the Drunken Dwarf?
      • Karim: I've known him for years. He really is my best customer.
      • Player: I take it that he's nice to your other customers?
      • Karim: I don't pay too much attention to that kind of thing, as I'm generally carving and pulping meat. I'll admit that I've heard some unsavoury comments about him being rowdy and even violent.
      • If the Jury didn't agree with the player's argument about the kebab seller before:
        • The Jury reacts to the argument.
        • The jury disagrees with your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • Do you serve many like him?
      • Player: Do you serve many customers like him?
      • Karim: Ah, there's only one Drunken Dwarf. We can sit and extol the virtues of the cold kebab for hours, or compare our favourite sauces. He's even tried my kebab sundae and survived.
      • The Jury reacts to the argument.
      • The jury doesn't know what to think about your argument.
      • (Shows the previous options.)
    • That's all, for now.
      • Player: That's all, for now. Thank you.
      • (Dialogue ends.)

Talking to the prosecutor[edit | edit source]

Only if defending:

Talking to the defender[edit | edit source]

Only if prosecuting:

All evidence presented[edit | edit source]

If the player has received one positive or negative jury response for each piece of evidence:

All evidence presented and witnesses interviewed[edit | edit source]

If the player has received one positive or negative jury response for each piece of evidence and each witness:

  • Judge: I think that is enough. It's time for you to summarise your case to the Jury.
  • (Proceed to 'Summary' below.)

Summary[edit | edit source]

  • Which member of the Jury would you like to try to appeal to?
  • Opens Jury selection interface
  • If prosecuting:
    • If the player made enough correct choices in their case:
      • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have presented evidence that conclusively proves the Defendant attacked the victim while grossly inebriated. Is it too much to ask that a normal, sober human being can walk the paths of Gielinor without being pelted with rocks? While we turn a blind eye to violent drunks like the Defendant, we accept that things cannot improve and that such actions are inevitable. This does not have to be the case! I ask you to find the Defendant guilty, to send a statement to all drunks across Gielinor.
    • If the player did not make enough correct choices in their case:
      • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have tried very hard to link the Defendant to the scene of the crime. Who can say who will get pelted with rocks next? It could be any of you: your mum, your bunyip or your mum's bunyip. It's hard to say, really.
    • Judge Very well. Now, the Defence may present their case.
    • (Same as 'The defence's case' below.)
  • If defending:
    • If the player made enough correct choices in their case:
      • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have presented evidence that conclusively proves the Defendant is innocent with regards to these crimes. Today we have proven one thing: that my client is a drunk. At the risk of stating the obvious, anyone who calls themself the 'Drunken Dwarf' is unlikely to spend their evenings buttering scones and ironing shirts. But look at what remains unproven: not one shred of proof links my client to an example of indecent behaviour, drunk or otherwise.
    • If the player did not make enough correct choices in their case:
      • Player: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, find the Defendant not guilty and I'll buy everyone a drink. Just because the dwarf was drunk as a newt, doesn't mean he was aggressive like one. Okay, he probably couldn't walk in a straight line or remember his name, but we've all been there, right? Right?
    • The Judge: I believe we've heard enough.
    • (Same as Transcript:Court Cases § Pronouncing verdict.)

The prosecution's case[edit | edit source]

Only if defending:

  • Prosecutor: Members of the Jury, I am going to present evidence that decisively proves the Drunken Dwarf behaved indecently in an inebriated state, and that he attacked an innocent citizen. First, I present the beer glass. The suspect was arrested with this empty beer glass. It was empty because he had drunk it, and had drunk many more that day. He was so drunk that he couldn't even walk straight! That makes him a danger to himself and others.
  • The Prosecution presents the beer glass as evidence.
  • Prosecutor: Second, the kebab. The suspect was arrested while buying this item. It's not something that someone sober would choose to munch on.
  • The Prosecution presents the kebab as evidence.
  • Prosecutor: Last, but certainly not least, the fingerprint found on the rock thrown at the victim. This is clearly the fingerprint of the Drunken Dwarf. Members of the Jury, this dwarf is guilty. The Prosecution calls the victim.
  • The victim is called to the stand.
  • Prosecutor: Would you tell us about the attack?
  • Botros: Teh dwarf tele'd in and kept SHOUTING!!!!1[sic] I had chat turned off so ignored him.
  • Prosecutor: Did you notice if the dwarf was drunk at the time?
  • Botros: He's called the Drunken Dwarf, rofl! Dud3[sic] was totally wasted.
  • The Jury reacts to the argument and agrees with the prosecutor.
  • Prosecutor: The Prosecution calls the kebab seller.
  • The victim leaves the stand. The kebab seller is called to the stand.
  • Prosecutor: How well do you know the Drunken Dwarf?
  • Karim: I've known him for years! He's my best customer, and he's always completely wasted, but he's very polite when buying his kebab. Sometimes I get to chat to him; I think he likes the company. His home life can't be a happy one.
  • Prosecutor: But do you see him interact with anyone away from your stand?
  • Karim: No. As a small business man, I spend almost all my time at my stand. I have heard from some customers that he gets rowdy and often gets thrown out of pubs.
  • Prosecutor: That paints an interesting picture. It sounds like he is a troubled dwarf who can't control what he does.
  • The Jury reacts to the argument and agrees with the prosecutor.
  • Judge: I think that will be enough. It's time for you to summarise your case to the Jury.
  • Prosecutor: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have presented evidence that conclusively proves the Defendant acted violently while drunk, with an intent to hurt.
  • The kebab seller leaves the stand.
  • Prosecutor: Is it too much to ask that a normal, sober human being can walk the paths of Gielinor without being pelted with rocks? While we turn a blind eye to violent drunks like the Defendant, we accept that things cannot improve and that such actions are inevitable. This does not have to be the case! I ask you to find the Defendant guilty, to send a statement to all drunks across Gielinor.
  • (Dialogue ends.)

The defence's case[edit | edit source]

Only if prosecuting

  • Defender: Members of the Jury, I am going to present you with evidence that decisively proves the Drunken Dwarf is innocent. It is clearly my client's fingerprint on the rock, but there is nothing linking the rock to anything allegedly thrown at Mr. Botros. My client could have been skimming rocks, juggling or breaking open clams.
  • If the Beer Glass was presented as evidence
  • Defender: The Prosecution presented you with a beer glass. These beer glasses are commonly found in pubs. It only proves my client recently patronised a pub, and kept the glass as a souvenir of some kind. It does not mean he was drunk at the time of the incident, or that it influenced him in any way. It is simply a beer glass.
  • If the Kebab was presented as evidence
  • Defender: I'd like to point out that Prosecution Evidence #3 - the kebab - is meaningless. The Drunken Dwarf is known for giving kebabs away to those in need. He is clearly a giving person who likes to help others: a slightly sozzled Robin Hood, if you will.
  • The Defence calls the victim.
  • The victim is called to the stand.
  • Defender: Would you tell us about your skilling habits?
  • Botros: What?
  • Defender: Well, what do you do most of the time?
  • Botros: Lolz, I do woodcutting. Somtimes[sic] I fish, ftw!
  • Defender: But, surely, someone saying 'hello' is a welcome relief from the usual grind? Would it have been so difficult to say hello to the dwarf?
  • Botros: ...mumble mumble...
  • Defender: I'm sorry, what did you say?
  • Botros: I didnt notice him. I wuz...AFK![sic]
  • Defender: No!
  • Botros: Lolz so wat?[sic]
  • Defender: Mr. Botros, if you were AFK, you cannot have been paying full attention to your surroundings. What else did you miss while AFK? Did you even see my client at all?
  • The Jury reacts to the argument and agrees with the defender.
  • Defender: The Defence calls the kebab seller.
  • The victim leaves the stand. The kebab seller is called to the stand.
  • Defender: Have you seen the Drunken Dwarf attack anyone?
  • Karim: Never! He's usually drunk as a skunk, but he's a nice bloke. I've never seen him hurt anyone, and he likes talking to people. I just think he's lonely.
  • Defender: The dwarf may like his drink, but this character reference does a lot to praise his good nature.
  • The Jury reacts to the argument and agrees with the defender.
  • Judge: I think that will be enough. It's time for you to summarise your case to the Jury.
  • Defender: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have presented evidence that conclusively proves the Defendant is innocent with regard to these crimes.
  • The kebab seller leaves the stand.
  • Defender: Today we have proven one thing: that my client is a drunk. At the risk of stating the obvious, anyone who calls themself the 'Drunken Dwarf' is unlikely to spend their evenings buttering scones and ironing shirts. But look at what remains unproven: not one shred of proof links my client to an example of indecent behaviour, drunk or otherwise.
  • The Judge: I believe we've heard enough.
  • (Same as Transcript:Court Cases § Pronouncing verdict.)

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