Transcript of Diary of an Overzealous Gnome
My Diary[edit | edit source]
Entry 1[edit | edit source]
I've decided to start a diary. I realise that you, my dear and unknown reader, will have already surmised as much, given that what you're now reading is, indeed, a diary, and so it must follow that at some point your humble author - that is myself - decided to start one. Saying as much seems a good way to begin, no? Better, certainly, than: 'I've been kidnapped by dragon-headed weirdos, they've locked me up in a laboratory with lots of dragons, and now I'm feeling bored and morbidly reflective'. That just sounds rather crude, don't you think?
Entry 2[edit | edit source]
I've had a eureka moment. You see, darling reader, I'm not the only one here. Aside from the weirdos, I've met a great number of humans, gnomes—even elves! All heroes hoping to make a name for themselves in the Wilderness. All dead now, of course—fed to the dragons! And for a while, I wondered whether my fate would be as theirs was. But then I thought: POPPYCOCK! I'm no fodder! No, no, the tests are quite obviously genetic, to create some superior dragon race! So, beloved reader, it's no wonder why they chose me: a marvel among gnomes... They aim to breed me with the dragons!
Entry 3[edit | edit source]
I've been thinking. Initially, this whole ‘breeding with dragons' thing came as rather a shock. (Not that I'm racist or anything. You love who you love, you know?) But I've been thinking about it, cherished reader, and I've decided to aid my captors in the name of science! I even attempted to say as much to the grumpy weirdo, but all I got was roaring, which I think means he's pleased. You know, in dragon-speak or whatever. But the point is that I'm so un-racist that I'm willing to donate my superior genes to the frankly ungrateful weirdos. And who knows? Perhaps if I show willing, they'll swap this stone floor for a four poster!
Entry 4[edit | edit source]
I spoke with the grumpy weirdo again. Not sure we agreed on the four poster, sadly, but I'm certain now that we're on the same page. You see, kind reader, when I finished speaking, he escorted me (rather roughly) from my cell and brought me face to face with the lovely lady they call Astellarn. A kind of...introduction. Not my usual type, I'll admit, but I keep an open mind.
Here's one thing I will say: these dragon-headed weirdos are the most awful matchmakers. Wouldn't stop roaring, right in my face. What's dragon-speak for 'Excuse me, we're trying to have a conversation here?'
Entry 5[edit | edit source]
Enchanting reader, things have been going well with Astellarn. All I need do is say a word or two to the grumpy weirdo, and off I go to see her. Almost dangles me in front of her. I can definitely tell she's eager, the way she gnashes her teeth flirtatiously. And you know what?
..I'm kind of into it (kind of).
Entry 6[edit | edit source]
I've had word: tomorrow is the big day! One of the weirdos, as it happens, has learned a little of our civil tongue, and told me that tomorrow, Astellarn would be inviting me for dinner. Or something like that, anyway; he was laughing as he said it, but I think that's just a cultural difference.
Oh, dazzling reader! How happy I am to be doing this properly. After all, it wouldn't feel right not to at least wine and dine with the lady first. I'm a gentlegnome, after all! Now, please excuse me while I practice my most seductive gnomish growl.
Entry 7[edit | edit source]
[The ink appears tear-stained and smudged.]
I'm so stupid. I got it all wrong.
Please don't forge-