Transcript of Bringing Home the Bacon

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A new treat[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Hey there. What's that delicious smell?
  • Eli: That? Oh, that's something I'm working on. Hey, you look like you've done some farm work in your time. You free to help me out?
  • Player: And what is it you need me to do?
  • Eli: I just need you to eat some of this...meat I've cooked up. It's not from a person or anything like that! I just need you to give it a taste and tell me what you think.
  • (Quest Overview interface opens.)
    • [Not right now]
      • Player: My mother warned me about eating odd foods offered by strangers.
      • Eli: Well, what're you doing bothering me then? Get off my land!
    • [Accept quest]
      • Player: Okay, I'm game. Wait. Why did you think I would assume it was from a person?
      • Player receives mysterious meat.
      • Eli gives you a delicious-smelling strip of meat.
      • Eli: No reason. I thought you might have heard about that accident. Yeah... Anyway, scarf that down and tell me what you think.

Talking to him again without having eaten the meat and having destroyed it:

  • Eli: Can I help you with something?
  • Player: I lost that mysteriously delicious-smelling meat that you gave me. Can I have some more?
  • Eli: Well I don't see why not... There you go. Have a chew on that and tell me what you think.
  • Player receives mysterious meat.
  • Eli gives you a delicious-smelling strip of meat.

Talking to him again without having eaten the meat and having it in the inventory:

  • Eli: Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
      • Eli: I want you to eat that slice of meat I gave you.
      • Player: Oh, I remember now. I did have another question though.
      • (Shows initial options)
    • I think I should go.
      • Eli: Right, see you later.

Attempting to eat the mysterious meat more than four tiles away from Eli:

  • You should probably eat that near Eli. He will be at his farm north of Port Sarim.

Upon eating the mysterious meat within a range of four squares near Eli:

  • Select an option
    • That was great!
      • Eli: That, my friend, was a new type of meat I've discovered. I call it...bacon!
      • (Continues below)
    • My mouth is filled with joy!
      • Player: My mouth is filled with joy! What was that?
      • (Continues below)
    • That was okay.
      • Player: That was okay.
      • Eli: Okay? Just okay?
      • Player: Yeah. Just okay.
      • Eli: I was hoping for a better reaction.
      • Player: Just because I don't like it doesn't mean others won't. What was that meat anyway?
      • (Continues below)
  • Eli: That, my friend, was a new type of meat I have discovered. I call it...bacon!
  • Player: Bay...con? Why did you call it that? Does it come from a creature called a 'bay' or something?
  • Eli: No! I named it after myself, Eli Bacon! Bacon, like my last name! That's what all the great people do.
  • Player: Oh, sorry! So what is it then?
  • Eli: What would you say if I told you it was...from a pig?
  • Player: A pig? Urgh! Why would anyone want to eat one of those?
  • Eli: Well, it's a long story. But let me ask you something first. What would you say pigs are good for?
  • Player: Ceremonial greased pig wrestling, obviously.
  • Eli: And what else?
  • Player: Well you could...I suppose...maybe they could...
  • Eli: Exactly! Aside from pig wrestling they are useless! They are just big, smelly animals that eat loads of food. Even pig wrestling is in decline thanks to all these new sports like 'Castle Wars' and 'duelling'. Thanks to all these popular pastimes there is no demand for pigs. I think only me and Martin keep them these days. And he only keeps them because of the tourist money generated by his freakishly large pig; Pigzilla. Basically if people find out that pigs taste delicious when cooked how long do you think it'll take to eat them all? Just look what happened to those useless no-horned unicorns that were all over the place a few years ago. When people worked out they tasted good they were wiped right out!
  • Player: I suppose you're right. But what can we do about it?
  • Eli: What we'll do is get people wanting pigs for something other than meat. After all, people keep cows around for milk and sheep for wool. If we can convince them pigs are good for something, then they'll start breeding them again. Once the numbers are back up, we can reveal the tasty truth to everyone. By that point there'll be enough pigs that people can eat as many as they want.
  • Player: That sounds like a great idea. How are we going to do it?
  • Eli: I have a plan, what we are going to do is...
  • (Continues below)

Keeping the bacon addicts at bay[edit | edit source]

  • Fade out/in. Cutscene opens
  • Player: Hey, what's that sound?
  • Eli: What sound?
  • Camera pans in on six bacon addicts right outside the gate.
  • Player: Who are they?
  • Eli: Those are some of the locals. They know about bacon. I gave a few of them a taste and now they're addicted. They're crazy!
  • Player: They're so creepy...
  • Eli: Don't worry. So long as you locked that gate behind you we should be all right.
  • The gate opens.
  • Player: Uh, that might be my fault.
  • The bacon addicts walk into the farm, towards the pigs.
  • Bacon addict: Baaaaaaacon! Must eat baaaaacon!
  • Eli: Did you hear that? They're going to eat me!
  • The bacon addicts start greasing up the pigs.
  • Player: I think they might be after the pigs, not you.
  • Eli: Oh! Er...that does make sense. Wait! They're buttering up the pigs for roasting! We have to stop them!
  • Player: Well what can we do?
  • Three pig decoy hotspots appear.
  • Eli: Try making some pig decoys! Those lunatics are too far gone to tell the difference. Here - take this big stack of bacon. You'll need some planks too. Let's go!
  • Fade out/in. Cutscene ends.
  • Player receives bacon heap (Bringing Home the Bacon).
  • Eli shoves a heap of delicious bacon into your pack to distract the addicts with.
  • Player receives 9 planks.
  • Eli: Try and build something out of those to distract them! Quick!
  • Eli Provides[sic] some wooden planks to make his cunning pig dummies.

Eli will periodically say this line if all pigs are being greased up by bacon addicts:

  • Eli: I can't rescue this pig!

Talking to Eli:

  • Eli: We don't have time for this! Help me rescue the pigs!

Attempting to destroy the bacon heap:

  • You cannot drop this item at this time as you need it.

Attempting to open the gate:

Returning to the instanced farm:

Upon building the first pig dummy:

  • You build the pig decoy body
  • Eli: That's the ticket! Now cover it in bacon as a diversion!

Adding bacon to a pig decoy:

  • You apply some bacon to the pig body.

Attempting to add bacon to a pig decoy while bacon addicts are eating from it:

  • You can't attach more bacon while it is being eaten.

Bacon addicts may say one of these lines while eating bacon:

  • Bacon addict: Can't...stop...eating
  • Bacon addict: More, give me moooore!
  • Bacon addict: Om nom nom...

After adding bacon to the decoys:

  • Eli leads a pig into the storm cellar.

After rescuing all the pigs:

  • Eli waves at the player from the storm cellar entrance.
  • Player: Looks like Eli has rescued the last of the pigs. I should head down into the cellar and speak to him.
  • Player has bacon heap (Bringing Home the Bacon) removed from them.
  • Fade out/in. The player appears inside the storm cellar.

Eli's cellar[edit | edit source]

  • Eli: Good work. While they're eating that bacon we can get this show on the road.
  • Player: What do you mean?
  • Eli: You remember I said I had a plan to drive up demand for pigs? Well this is it. What we do is we raise an amazing pig. I mean a real monster! One that people will come for miles around to see. Then, we train it to do some sort of trick. We show it off to all kinds of folks, and they go nuts for pigs! Before you know it, demand for pigs will soar!
  • Player: That does sound like a good idea.
  • Eli: And then...bam! We bring out bacon and make a fortune!
  • Player: But if everyone has pigs at that point, how will you make money from selling bacon?
  • Eli: Well it is called 'bacon'. I'm sure that legally they'll have to pay me money when they start making it. I sent off a form and I promised to hand over lots of money to secure the rights to call pig meat 'bacon'. It can't fail!
  • Player: What could go wrong?
  • Eli: I know! All we need to do is work out what a pig is good for. Any ideas?
  • Select an option
    • Maybe they can fight?
      • Eli: How will that get people interested?
      • Player: Everyone likes fighting monsters, right? If pigs can help with that, people will want to take them on dangerous expeditions.
      • (Continues below)
    • Maybe they can carry an altar?
      • Eli: How will that get people interested?
      • Player: People need to recharge spiritual energy and altars are often hard to find. If a pig could carry one about, that would be useful.
      • (Continues below)
    • Maybe they can carry items?
      • Eli: How will that get people interested?
      • Player: Pigs are rather big, so they can probably handle quite a few packs and bags. That's really handy for adventuring!
      • (Continues below)
    • I don't have any ideas.
      • Eli: Aww, and there was me thinking you'd be the smart one. You have a think and let me know when you've got something.
  • Eli: That's a good idea you had there. I guess you're smarter than you look after all.
  • Player: Uh, thanks...I think. So what now?
  • Eli: Now we need our showpig. Go have a word with Martin in Draynor and see if he'll let us have a piglet from his big old Pigzilla.
  • Player: Will do!
  • Eli: You can always find him by his pigsty in the marketplace. Just head south-east from here and you'll find him in no time.
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
    • Who are you?
      • Eli: I am Eli Bacon, the proud inventor of bacon! I work on this here farm as a pig farmer.
      • Player: Won't naming the food after yourself cause some confusion?
      • Eli: I don't think so. Nobody gets Richard Cookedmeat confused with the food he came up with. Same with Gerald Beer and Simon Bread.
      • Player: I don't think bread was invented by someone called Simon.
      • Eli: Well that's where you are wrong. I sent off for some fancy papers about registering your food with the Cooks' Guild. Chef Morrisane explained it all in his handy little pamphlet. And it only cost me thirty percent of all future earnings!
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • Eli: Well, a few days ago I was getting Gassy Steve - one of my prized wrestling pigs - ready for his next competition. I'd attached him by his trotters to an old spit roast. It keeps 'em still while I cover 'em with ceremonial garlic-and-herb grease, y'see. Then, disaster struck! I'd placed dry twigs and rags under the spit to catch the falling grease, as usual. Before I knew what was happening, sparks from a nearby torch ignited them, and poor Gassy went up in flames!
      • Player: Another tale of a promising sporting career cut brutally short.
      • Eli: Within minutes, a crowd of people had gathered by the farm. The smell of poor Steve cooking was, ironically, attracting people from far and wide. People started begging me to not bury him, and wanted to try the cooked flesh to see if it tasted as good as it smelled. Stricken with grief as I was, I gave it a try myself...and found it to be sweet and delicious! And that is how I learned the secret of bacon.
    • I think I should go.
      • Eli: Right, see you later.

Talking to Eli again before providing an idea:

  • Eli: Well hello again. You got any idea what we can teach our showpig to do?
  • (Continues above)

Talking to Eli again after providing an idea:

Draynor Village[edit | edit source]

Picking the "Bringing Home the Bacon." option when talking to Martin:

  • Player: Martin, can I have one of Pigzilla's piglets?
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Why would you want one of them? Are you thinking of starting a pig farm? If you are, then be warned - the bottom has really fallen out of the pig wrestling game. You'd be better off investing in a cow.
  • Player: It's not for me. It's for Eli Bacon. We're planning something that will increase interest in pigs, and need an impressive piglet to do it.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Oh, that is good news! I suppose I could give you a piglet if that's the case.
  • Player: Fantastic! Just put it in my backpack and I'll be on my way.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Hold on there! I need you to do something for me first. I don't know who it is, but someone has been picking my pockets.
  • Player: Oh no. Who would do such a dastardly thing?
  • Martin the Master Gardener: I think it was one of those dodgy types over to the west. I want you to find out who did it and give them a thrashing.
  • Player: You mean kill them?
  • Martin the Master Gardener: No! That's a little too much! Just give them a good kicking and I'll give you the piglet.
  • Player: Seems fair enough. I'll get right on it.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Remember, one of them will be lying about where he was when it happened. Just find out who doesn't have an alibi. If they can't tell you truthfully where they were when I was robbed, they must be the culprit!

Talking to Martin again after initial conversation:

  • Player: What do you want me to do again?
  • Martin the Master Gardener: I want you to go and find out which one of those pickpockets over there to the west has been stealing from me. Remember, one of them will be lying about where he was when it happened. Just find out who doesn't have an alibi. If they can't tell you truthfully where they were when I was robbed, they must be the culprit! And when you find them, give them a thrashing they won't forget in a hurry!

Going back to Eli Bacon before talking to the pickpockets[edit | edit source]

  • Eli: Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
      • Eli: Now we need a great pig to be our showpig. Go have a word with Martin in Draynor and see if he'll let us have a piglet from his big old hog.
      • Player: I've had a word with him and he wants me to deal with a pickpocket first.
      • Eli: Best get to it, then. Check the shed if you want an axe, sacks or shovel.
      • Select an option
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to pickpockets[edit | edit source]

    • Player Where were you when Martin's pockets were picked?
    • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] I was with [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]. Dan
    • Continues with any one of the following:
      • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Me and him go way back, we do.
      • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Just go ask him.
      • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] We were minding our own business - know what I mean?
      • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Yeah, he'll back me up.
      • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] He'll tell you. Just go and ask him.
      • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] That's right. I was with him all day.
    • Player Hmm...
    • Select an option
      • You're the one that picked Martin's pockets!
        • If the accusation is wrong, another pickpocket will join in the conversation, saying one of the following:
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] What are you on about? He's not the one!
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Shut your hole - he's innocent!
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Whaddya mean? He was with me all day!
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Don't make me laugh. He was with me![1]
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] Shut up! I know he didn't do it!
          • Player Sorry! I guess I got it wrong.
        • If the accusation is correct:
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] All right, you got me! Now what are you going to do about it?
          • Player I'm going to earn a giant piglet, that's what I'm going to do!
          • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd] What?
          • (Continues below)
      • I've got my eye on you.
        • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: Yeah, whatever...

Using the "Accuse" option on the NPC:

After finding out the culprit[edit | edit source]

  • Fade out/in. Cutscene opens. The accused pickpocket, Martin and the player stand in the Draynor Marketplace.
  • Player: Martin, this is the pickpocket that stole from you.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: It's good to finally meet you. Did you enjoy robbing me, you swine?
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: I did indeed, and I'll do it again once this farce is over!
  • Martin the Master Gardener: You'll be laughing on the other side of your face in a moment! Let him have it!
  • Player: I didnt[sic] want to come down to this, but you leave me no choice!
  • The player punches the pickpocket.
  • Player: Let that be a lesson to you!
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Is that it?
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: Yeah. I mean, I barely felt that.
  • The player turns towards Martin.
  • Player: I thought you didn't want me to kill him.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Well no, but I expected more than one little punch. You know, there are lots of ways you can hit someone without killing them.
  • Player: Really? Okay, let's give this another try.
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: So is that really it? Can I go now?
  • Player: Not just yet. We're going to have another bash at it.
  • The camera pans away from the scene and shows a piglet and kitten by the Draynor jetty.
  • Oh look! A piglet and a kitten!
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: What are you doing?
  • Player: Take this!
  • Isn't the pig chubby and cute, and the kitten fluffy and adorable?
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: MY ORGANS!
  • Player: And this!
  • They are the best of friends, and have adorable adventures every day.
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: I can literally taste my own agony!
  • Player: And this!
  • They dress up in little costumes and run around with all their woodland chums...
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: Spleeeeeeeeeeeen!
  • Martin the Master Gardener: By the gods! He's had enough!
  • Player: And one more for luck!
  • What high jinks and capers they get up to!
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: Blubble.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Okay, okay, I think he's learned his lesson. Leave him be!
  • Pickpocket [Andy/Bert/Chris/Dan/Edd]: Learned...lesson...going...hospital...now...
  • Player: I don't think he'll be bothering you again for a while.
  • Scene returns to Martin and the player. The pickpocket is gone.
  • Martin the Master Gardener: I'm pretty sure you just scared off every pickpocket in the district. Well done! You've more than earned this little piglet.
  • Player receives piglet (item).
  • Martin hands you a healthy, wriggling piglet.
  • Player: Thanks! I'll take him to Eli now.
  • Fade out/in. Cutscene ends.

Talking to Martin again

  • Player: Can I rename that pig I got from you?
  • Martin the Master Gardener: You should probably wait for Eli to give you pig before you do that.

Talking to Martin after destroying the piglet

  • Player: Have you seen that piglet you gave me?
  • Player receives piglet (item).
  • Martin the Master Gardener: Yes, he ran up to me just now. Take better care of him this time.[2]
  • Martin returns the frisky piglet to your backpack.

Training the piglet[edit | edit source]

Talking to Eli with piglet either in bank or destroyed:

  • Player: I got the piglet from Martin!
  • Eli: Really? Where is it?
  • Player: I had it here a second ago. Let me just go look for it.

Talking to Eli with the piglet:

  • Player: I got the piglet from Martin!
  • Eli: Great! Did he ask much for it?
  • Player: No. All I had to do was deal with a pickpocket for him.
  • Eli: Sounds like a fair enough trade. Let's take a look at that piglet then, Player.
  • Player has piglet (item) removed from them.
  • A pig machine hotspot and the pigzilla piglet appear on the northern fence.
  • Player: There you go. What should we do now?
  • Eli: What we need to do now is work on making a machine to train the pig.
    • (If the player's idea was about carrying items:)
      • Eli: What was it you thought they could do again? Haul stuff about for you? Yeah, that sounds about right.
      • (Continues below)
    • (If the player's idea was about carrying an altar:)
      • Eli: What was it you thought they could do again? Carry an altar? Yeah, that sounds about right.
      • (Continues below)
    • (If the player's idea was about fighting:)
      • Eli What was it you thought they could do again? Help out in a fight? Yeah, that sounds about right.
      • (Continues below)
  • Eli: I have some plans drawn up, but I think you'd be better off putting it all together. Three planks should cover it. All it'll take is a couple of planks. I'd help out myself, but I broke my hammer on a hiker last week.
  • Select an option
    • You broke your hammer on a hiker?
      • Player: You broke your hammer on a hiker?
      • Eli: I meant I broke my hammer mending a fence ruined by hikers. Yeah, that's what happened.
      • (Continues below)
    • How did you do that?
      • Player:How did you do that?
      • Eli Let's just say that some hikers are very tough and so they...break fences...
      • (Continues below)
    • You know what? I don't want to know.
      • Player: ... You know what? I don't want to know.
      • Eli Fair enough.
      • (Continues below)
  • Eli Anyway - not wanting to change the topic or anything - after you've built it, you'll need to upgrade it to train the pig. That should only take a couple of iron bars and three more planks. Oh, and best use some nails to hold it all together.
  • Player receives three planks.
  • Eli In fact, I have those here for you now. You might as well use mine instead of yours.
  • Eli provides you with the items needed to create the machine.
  • Player receives 10 steel nails and two iron bars.
  • Eli: Here, since you can take it all now, you might as well have the stuff to upgrade it as well. That'll save you time when you're done building it.
  • Eli also provides you with the items needed to upgrade the machine.
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Eli before receiving the materials but after talking about the hiker:

  • (Transcript missing. edit)

Talking to Eli again after receiving the materials:

Trying to build the machine without the materials:

  • You need 3 basic wooden planks to do that.

Building the machine with the materials:

  • Player has 3 planks removed from them.
  • You construct the basic machine.
  • You construct the basic pig-training machine.

Talking to Eli after building the pig-training machine:

  • Player: I built the machine. What now?
  • Eli: That's a pretty machine and no mistake. It reminds me of the one...never mind. We won't need anything fancy like saw blades or blood- sluices like last time. Just some more planks and iron bars.
  • Player: Blood sl- Did you use a machine like this to butcher the pigs for bacon?
  • Eli: Yes, that's exactly what I used it for.
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Trying to upgrade the machine without the materials:

  • You need 3 basic wooden planks, 2 iron bars and at least 3 nails to do that.

Upgrading the machine:

  • Player has 3 planks, 2 iron bars and 3 nails removed from them.
  • You upgrade the pig-training machine.
  • (If the player's idea was about carrying items:)
    • You upgrade the machine to train pigs to haul heavy loads.
  • (If the player's idea was about carrying altars:)
    • You upgrade the machine to train pigs to carry altars
  • (If the player's idea was about fighting:)
    • You upgrade the machine to train pigs in deadly swine combat.

Talking to Eli after upgrading the machine:

  • Player: Whew! That all looks like it'll work. What now?
  • Eli: We need to fatten this little fellow up a bit - make him look more impressive, like. I have plenty of pig feed, but we should probably mix in some wheat to fortify it a little. Would you mind grabbing some for me? Five bundles should be more than enough. There's a field over by Draynor that you can take it from. It's not too far away.
  • Player: Fine. This shouldn't take too long.
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
      • Eli: We need to top up the food supplies, so I need you to get me 5 bundles of wheat. I need you to get 5 bundles of wheat and bring them here for me. The closest wheat field is over to the east of Draynor.
      • Player: Okay, I'll get on it now.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Eli again without any bundles of wheat:

Returning after getting fewer than 5 bundles of wheat:

  • Player Here I got some of things we need!
  • Eli (Transcript missing. edit)

Returning after getting the wheat:

  • Player has up to five bundles of wheat removed from them.
  • Eli: That should keep us sorted for a while. Thanks!
  • Pigzilla piglet becomes Son of Pigzilla.
  • Player: It was no problem at all. So what now?
  • Eli: Your pig is still looking a little small. We need to bulk it up a bit.
  • Player: Should we maybe wait a little longer to see if he goes through a growth spurt?
  • Eli: I don't think we can keep this news under wraps for much longer. Those bacon addicts... Wait...that's it... Of course! Hahaha!
  • Player: Err...Eli?
  • Eli: Bwahahaha!
  • Player: Eli?
  • Eli: Oh, don't mind me. I just thought of something funny about...pigs. I have had an idea though. What this little squealer needs is some good, healthy exercise. Keeping him cooped up down here won't do him any good. We need to get him up and about in the sunshine. If we can clear the yard of addicts then we can take him for a good old trot about in the fresh air.
  • Player: So what do you suggest we do?
  • Eli: Here, I use this 'sleeping potion' sometimes when I need to get...pigs...to sleep. Just let me peel that old skull-and-crossbones label off. There, that should do it. Just go up there, attach some bacon to one of those pig statues you made and then pour some potion onto it. When they tuck into it they'll fall asleep. Then I can...er...
  • Select an option
    • Take them home to recover?
      • Player: Take them home to sleep it off while we continue our quest?
      • Eli: Yeah, that sounds good. I'll do that.
      • (Continues below)
    • Get the guards to deal with them?
      • Player: Get the Falador guards to put them in a cell?
      • Eli: Oh, the guards. Of course. That makes sense.
      • (Continues below)
    • Not kill them?
      • Player: How about doing something that does not involve killing them?
      • Eli: What? I would never do that!
      • Player: Sure...
      • (Continues below)
  • Player: Great! I'll make a start.
  • Eli: Just head up into the field through the trapdoor to begin. I'll leave the bacon and sleeping potion up there for you.

Talking to Eli again:

  • Eli Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What do you want me to do again?
      • Player What did you want me to do again?
      • Eli I need you to go and knock out those crazy addicts with this here sleeping potion. It's perfectly safe. Just slap some bacon on the statues, sprinkle some of this on, and let them do the rest.
      • Player Sounds simple. I'll get right on it.
      • Eli: Just head up into the field through the trapdoor to begin. You'll find the bacon and sleeping potion up there.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Upon entering the field:

Adding poison to a bacon-covered decoy:

  • You drug the bacon.

Bacon addicts may say one of the following while eating bacon:

  • Bacon addict: Can't sleep, dream pigs will eat me...
  • Bacon addict: Getting sleepy...bacon will wake me up.
  • Bacon addict: Zzzz....bacon...

After all bacon addicts eat the drugged bacon:

  • Player: They've all eaten the bacon, but they're not falling asleep. I should speak to Eli and find out what went wrong.
  • Fade out/in. The player appears in the storm cellar.

Talking to Eli:

  • Eli: How's the yard looking now?
  • Player: I got the addicts to eat the bacon, but they all seem fine.
  • Eli: Don't worry about that. The potion takes a while to act. Makes it more of a surprise when they start to get sleepy. I mean, it's best to slip an animal this stuff when they don't expect it. Say, how are you feeling by the way?
  • Player: Fine, thanks. Why do you ask?
  • Eli: No reason. Tell you what - in case the potion doesn't work, why don't you go get me some onions?
  • Player: Onions? Why do you need onions?
  • Eli: Well, you know how garlic repels vampyres I'm convinced that onions will repel these bacon addicts.
  • Player: What? How does that work, exactly?
  • Eli: Look, I invented bacon, so I should know how it works. Bacon and onions are two strong flavours, and they just don't go together. To those hardened bacon addicts - well, they shouldn't even be able to go near them. Specifically fresh onions. So if you can go and get me a fresh onion you picked yourself then we can use it to clear the yard if the poison doesn't work.
  • Player: I'm...really having trouble following this. By that logic, you are saying that onions repel bacon addicts because it does not go with the food they eat - bacon.
  • Eli: That's right so far.
  • Player: But then garlic would only repel vampyres because it does not go well with the food they eat - blood. And how would you know that?
  • Eli: Look, I'm the bacon expert here. I can't just expect any lay person to understand how this stuff works.
  • Player: Well all right. I guess it won't take me long to gather a few onions to see if it works. I suppose five should be enough. Will you need a hand dealing with the addicts if the potions takes effect while I'm away?
  • Eli: Oh don't worry. I've got it under control.
  • Player: Right. Well...I'll be right back I suppose.

Talking to Eli again before getting onions:

  • Eli Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What did you want me to do again?
      • Eli I need you to get some fresh onions to help ward off the addicts. In case the potion doesn't work, you know? When they're gone, we can take him around the field to bulk up. Just go out and pick some fresh onions. The fresher the better.
      • Player That's fair enough. I'll get five as that should be more than enough.
      • Eli Just leave the farm - ignoring any muffled screaming you may hear - and go to the field south east of Draynor. That's the closest one I can think of. In the meantime, I'll see if those addicts fall asleep from the potion, then I'll...deal with them.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Eli again after getting onions:

  • Player: Eli, where have all the bacon addicts gone? And why is my pig fully grown?
  • Eli: The addicts? They...er...blew away in a storm. I've been taking your friend here out for trips around the field - good exercise! Yeah.
  • Player: So do you still need the onions?
  • Eli: Oh yes. Your pig is still hungry and with the addicts gone he'll eat the onions himself. We might as well top up the supplies in case the meat runs out.
  • Player: What meat?
  • Eli: Meals. I meant in case his meals run out.
  • Select an option
    • Fair enough.
      • Player: Fair enough.
      • (Continues below)
    • That sounds pretty suspicious.
      • Player: That sounds pretty suspicious.
      • Eli: No it doesn't.
      • Player: But...
      • Eli: It sounds perfectly reasonable.
      • Player: But...
      • Eli: Perfectly. Reasonable.
      • (Continues below)
  • If the player hands in less than five onions:
    • Player has onions removed from them.
    • Player: Here, I got some of the things we need!
    • Eli: Thanks! We're still not done though. I need you to get <number> fresh onion[s] and bring [it/them] here for me.
    • Player: That won't take me long to gather!
  • If the player hands in five onions:
    • Player has onions removed from them.
    • Eli: That should keep us safe if more addicts appear. I suppose the next thing to do is turn on the machine and see how well it works!
    • Player: Are you sure this will work?
    • Eli: Well, you built the thing. I doubt the pig'll be much use just from this, but he'll look just grand. And that's all we need. If the pig looks good and you can pretend that the trick works, we're set!

Talking to Eli again after gathering five onions but not having them in the inventory:

  • Eli Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What did you want me to do again?
      • Eli: Now that those crazies are all gone I need you to bring me some very fresh onions to feed the pig. Five should be enough. I need you to get <number> fresh onion[s] and bring [it/them] here for me.
      • Player: Okay, I'll get that for you now.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Eli again before activating the machine:

  • Eli Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What did you want me to do again?
      • Eli We need to put the machine through its paces. Just go and interact with and we'll see how things stand when the pig pops out the other end.
      • Player Seems pretty simple. I'll be right back.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Training the pig with the machine:

  • Fade out/in. Cutscene begins. The pig is in front of the machine and the player is next to it. Eli is on the other end of the machine.
  • Player: Here goes nothing!
  • The player activates the machine, the pig goes through and appears with accessories based on the pig idea chosen.
  • Eli: Hmm, I think this might need a little work.
  • Pig: Oink?
  • Eli: Well, I guess it's better than nothing. Come here you.

Talking to Eli again after activating the machine:

  • Player: The machine seems to have worked.
  • Eli: It does, although I think I should give it a tweak while you are away. Maybe I can dig up some of the clothes, packs and armour buried in the field to equip pigs a little better.
  • Player: Why do you have clothes and stuff buried in the field?
  • Eli: People keep on dropping things in there. Like old clothes, hats, money, personal possessions and unwanted limbs. I bury them in the field to keep the place from getting untidy. Look, it's a farming thing. You wouldn't understand.
  • Select an option
    • I suppose...
      • Player: I suppose.
      • (Continues below)
    • It really doesn't sound like one.
      • Player: It really doesn't sound like a farming thing.
      • Eli: It is a very specific pig farming thing. For only this farm. And if your name is Eli.
      • Player: That is rather specific.
      • (Continues below)
    • Really? How generous of them!
      • Player: Really? How generous of them?
      • Eli: No! I didn't kill any...wait, what?
      • Player: I can't imagine anyone just leaving all that handy stuff out for you. Do they leave money too, or just items?
      • Eli: You...you believed that?
      • Player: Of course. Why wouldn't I?
      • Eli: No reason. Remind me to get you as a character witness if I ever need one.
      • (Continues below)
  • Eli: Anyway, take that pig around the big cities to show it off! Lumbridge Castle courtyard, Varrock Marketplace, Ardougne Marketplace and near the north Falador gate would be the best to give it a try. If nothing else, they're next to those lodestone things, so you can teleport there with the pig easily. Don't be frightened to let the pig walk with you. Just put him down on the ground when you want to show him off and pick him up when you're done.
  • Player: You wouldn't happen to have a list of the cities I can take him to, in case I forget?
  • Player receives pig display list.
  • Eli: Here, this should help your memory. Now go and show the world what a pig can do!
  • Eli provides you with a list of locations to visit.
  • Player: I'll be right back
  • Player receives pig (pet).
  • Eli manhandles the fully grown pig into your backpack.
  • Eli: And if you don't like the name Martin gave your pig, you can go and change it with him now he's all yours.

Talking to Eli again:

  • Eli Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • What did you want me to do again?
      • Eli Well, you have a showpig. All you need to do now is take them round four cities and then we'll see if that drums up demand for pigs. I would say that Lumbridge castle courtyard, Varrock marketplace, Ardougne marketplace and near the north Falador gate would be the best to give it a try. If nothing else, they're next to those lodestone things, so you can teleport there with the pig easily. Don't be frightened to let the pig walk with you. Just put him down on the ground when you want to show him off and pick him up when you are done.
      • Player Sure, I'll do that now.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • (Same as above)

Visiting cities[edit | edit source]

Talking to your pig:

  • Player: Come on, we have a lot of work to do.
  • Pig Snort snort...grunt grunt? (I'm tired...Can't we take a break yet?)
  • Player: Not yet. But soon, I promise.

Visiting the first city:

  • Player: Well, let's impress some people with your 'skills'.
  • Pig: Oink? (Whut?)
  • Fade out/in. Cutscene opens.
  • Man: Hey there, stranger. Why do you have a pig following you around?
  • Woman: Is it pig-wrestling day already? I need to get my wrestling hat!
  • Player: Actually I have trained this pig to do more than just wrestle.
  • If the player chose the the Beast of Burden pig:
    • Player: As you can see, I've attached some packs to this pig so it can carry items for me.
    • Player: Have you ever not had enough space to carry sharks or granite boulders in your pockets? Well a pig is strong enough to haul some of your daily load!
    • Woman: That sounds useful, but can it also carry smaller items like seeds and arrowheads?
    • Man: And it can keep my items safe from pickpockets? I heard that some fled here from Draynor recently.
    • Player: It can do all that and more!
    • Man: Well, stranger, your pig certainly has shown us a new way to store and carry our belongings.
    • (Continues below)
  • If the player chose the Prayer pig:
    • Player: This pig carries with it an altar dedicated to the gods... In a general, non-denominational way.
    • Woman Is that really, you know, holy?
    • Man: Will it work with Zamorak? As a secret cultist I have problems finding an altar when I need one.
    • Player: Don't worry, all of you. This altar works for all the gods, and is probably not sacrilegious to any of them.
    • Man: What a useful ability! I had no idea pigs could be used for spiritual tasks like this.
    • (Continues below)
  • If the player chose the Combat pig:
    • Player: They can fight in real combat! Look at that steely determination and state-of-the-art armour. Why with one of these at your side you'll be ready for any fight!
    • Man: It's[sic] porcine power is too great! What hubris has unleashed such a monster?
    • Woman: If we all flee now we might live!
    • Player: Don't worry! Like any pig you have ever wrestled this one is loyal and friendly to you, but not to your enemies.
    • Man: What a relief! I thought we were all done for.
    • (Continues below)
  • Player: I'm glad I could show everyone here the value of pigs.
  • Man: But just out of interest, where can we get trained pigs like this?
  • Woman: Yes, we've had to cancel the last three pig-wrestling days because we couldn't find one. We had to use a goblin in the end.
  • Man: It just wasn't the same...
  • Player: Well pig numbers are down, but I'm sure if you were to speak to Eli Bacon and Martin then they might help you set up a sty. Then you can raise all the pigs you'll ever need!
  • Man: That's a great idea! Three cheers for this passing stranger and his performing pig!
  • Fade out/in. Cutscene ends.
  • You show off your pig to the next group of people. You still need to display your pig in: [lists cities the player still needs to visit]
  • At the remaining cities:
  • Fade out/in. Cutscene opens.
  • Player: ...Then you can raise all the pigs you'll ever need!
  • Man: That's a great idea! Three cheers for this passing stranger and their performing pig!
  • Fade out/in. Cutscene ends.

After visiting the final city:

  • Player: I think that's impressed enough people. I should go back and see Eli to check if it worked.

Finishing up[edit | edit source]

  • Eli: Welcome back! It worked!
  • Player: It did? Great!
  • Eli: We've had about a dozen people come by asking to buy breeding pairs of pigs. Others have put in orders for pig-training equipment too. I hear that Martin's in the same position. You've saved the pig population from going extinct!
  • Player: Always glad to help.
  • Eli: Only thing is - what with my pigs being moved underground - they think that's the way to raise them.
  • Player: Well, I suppose that'll keep them safe from roaming bacon addicts at any rate.
  • Eli: I suppose you're right. It just means if you want to get bacon at the main cities you'll have to keep an eye out for pig pits instead of pig sties! In a year or so we can start letting people in on the secret of bacon. In the meantime you can come see me whenever you want more. This calls for a fry-up!
  • Congratulations! You have completed: 'Bringing Home the Bacon'.
  • Eli: Can I help you with something?
  • Player: How's the pig farm going?
  • Eli: Very well. I have some things for you if you want them.
  • Select an option
    • Can I have some bacon?
      • Eli: There you go! I've sent them to your bank.
    • Can I have some trained pig familiars?
      • Eli: There you go! I've sent them to your bank.
    • I don't need anything, thanks.

Talking to him after having claimed the weekly reward:

  • Eli: Can I help you with something?
  • Select an option
    • Is there anything else I can do around here?
      • Eli: Well, there are a few things I can do now. First off, once a week I should have raised enough pigs to be able to offer you a nice reward. Either you can have a stack of bacon, or I can give you some of the trained pigs I have sent through the machine.
      • Player: How much of each can I get?
      • Eli: I can always give you 10 pigs in a week, along with 10 scrolls to go with them. The more you improve that machine, however, the more bacon I can give you. You'll have to stack it yourself, but that's half the fun of cooking it!
      • Player: What if I don't have any space to carry them?
      • Eli: Don't worry. For legitimate reasons I won't go into I have access to your bank account. I'll just put it all right in there so you don't even need to empty your pack. There are quite a few things you can do with bacon if you want to talk about that.
      • Select an option
        • Tell me about bacon
          • Eli: When it comes to cooking it you can stack more and more raw bacon up into a towering pile. Two bits of bacon makes a stack, two stacks make a pile, two piles make a heap and two heaps make a mound. For some reason stacking the pieces when cooked does not work, so you need to stack the raw bacon before you do anything with it. It makes it harder to cook, but it tastes great and really helps to fill the hole. If you're feeling a bit fancy you can also stick the bacon in a pie. It's not as good as crunching a plate of crispy pig strips, but it is pretty filling. You just need an empty pie shell and three bits of bacon. That fills it up and tastes great too. If you have a real craving though you can try brewing it.
          • Player: Brewing bacon? That sounds disgusting!
          • Eli: That's what I thought at first. You just bung it in there instead of the hops and it ferments up 'nicely'. Last time I tried a pint of mature pigswill it nearly blew my tongue clear out of my head!
          • Player: That's not a great advertisement.
          • (Shows other options)
        • Tell me about the trained pigs.
          • Eli: Well it's the strangest thing. I started putting pigs through the machine after I made some experimental tweaks...and they turned into these little pouches!
          • Player: Like Summoning pouches?
          • Eli: I don't have that sort of fancy book-learning, so I'm going to say 'yes' and hope I'm right.
          • Player: But why would your machine turn pigs into spirit familiars?
          • Eli: Maybe it has to do with all the spiritual energy around my little cellar. I mean, there have been quite a few 'accidents' around here. And the machine tends to make strange noises now and then.
          • BLOOD!
          • Eli: There it goes again. I really can't figure it out.
          • Player: Erp. But what does it do?
          • Eli: Oh, it does pretty much what we wanted it to do; produce trained pigs. Now you put some pig teeth, fancy glowing shards and stuff in one end and out pop some pouches from the other. Depending on what you've set the machine up for, you'll get pigs that can fight, carry things or renew spiritual energy for you. Be careful though. The machine sounds a bit creaky when it runs, regardless of what type of pouch you're making.
          • FEED ME FLESH!
          • Eli: There it goes again!
          • Select an option
            • Tell me about bacon
            • Ask more questions about the machine
              • Eli: What would you like to know?
              • Select an option
                • How can I improve the machine?
                  • Eli: Well I do think it could use a little oil on those rusty hinges. They sound quite loud now and then.
                  • SOULS!
                  • Eli: See what I mean? Anyhow, you can improve the machine with some more bars and planks. The more refined the improvements, the better the items you'll need. I'd say some steel bars and oak planks will take care of the first upgrade, and some mithril bars and teak planks will finish it off. Anything else you want to know about it?
                  • (Shows other options)
                • What do the familiars do?
                  • Eli: There are three types of pig familiar that you can use. The war pig, the prayer pig and the pack pig. The war pig will fight for you in battle, which is pretty self-explanatory. The prayer pig carries a little altar on its back. You can renew your spiritual energy from it, but there's a limit to how much one pig can carry. Once all the energy is gone you'll need to summon a new pig if you want to continue. The pack pig carries things for you. Like the war pig, it's pretty easy to work out too. The more you improve the machine the more powerful the pigs will become! That includes increasing the number of items a pig will carry and how much energy it will store!
                  • Player: That sounds great!
                  • (Shows other options)
                • Where can I get pigs teeth?
                  • Eli: Pigs will drop teeth when you kill them. You can help yourself to the pigs I have here now that the population is stable. You should also find pig pits popping up around the world too. So you can probably try killing them as well.
                  • Player: But how will I make sure I get the right pig tooth for the pouches I want?
                  • Eli: That's easy. Pig's teeth you find will all be tied to the machine's current setting.
                  • Player: What does that mean?
                  • Eli: It means if the machine is set to train prayer pigs - for example - then you'll always get prayer pig teeth to make prayer pig pouches with.
                  • Player: So can I swap what the tunnel does whenever I want to make sure I get the right teeth?
                  • Eli: Sure you can! It'll also change what your showpig appears as, which is handy.
                  • (Shows other options)
                • Ask something else.
                • I think I should go.
            • Eli...have you been killing people?
            • Ask something else.
            • I think I should go.
        • Eli...have you been killing people?
          • Eli: No! No, no no no...no!
          • Player: No?
          • Eli: No! Look, just because I am a pig farmer, living out here on the edge of someone else's farm in a creepy cellar that stinks of blood and offal does not make me a bad guy! I mean the local guard are always beating down my door whenever someone goes missing. I ask you, is it fair? Is it justice?
          • Select an option
        • Ask something else.
        • I think I should go.
    • Who are you?
      • (Same as above)
    • How did you discover bacon?
      • (Same as above)
    • I think I should go.
      • Eli: Right, see you later.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. ^ The wrong voice over is played. He says "He'll tell you. Just go and ask him."
  2. ^ Audio absent.