Transcript:Are you sitting funkily? Then we'll begin.
It was added on 18 December 2008.
I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate Christmas than visiting some of my favourite friends (and family, in one case) from RuneScape. I would recommend reading these with some mince pies and a hearty fire crackling in the corner - PP
I wonder where you are and what you are doing from time to time. It has nearly been three years since I've last seen you in Runescape.
Each holiday has its very own figure which represents the celebration...
- The Grim Reaper represents Hallowe'en
- The Easter Bunny represents Easter
- ????? represents Christmas
But what about Christmas?
I really hope to see you in the near future and I still feel that you represent Christmas EVEN though its been a few years since I've last seen you.
I have prepared you a basket of delicious bones.
P.S - I've always wanted a chimpanzee, it would be the best present ever!!!! "winks" :D
Ahoy there, Jiblix!
Well, 'tis mighty good of ye to be inquirin' after me. The fact o' the matter is that I've been sailin' the ol' blue in the Seahound – investigatin' some strange islands I'd never seen before, off to the south-west. One of 'em was full o' these funny, fiery folk. A strange lot, they were.
I've also been composin' some more sea shanties – some of me best yet, I reckon. What'ya think?
Oh, I love to sail the ocean blue,
And watch them waves a-rollin'.
I only hope me boat don't sink,
(The bottom's got a hole in).
Not bad, eh? As for yer question about Christmas, well, some would say that ol' Santa represents Christmas, but I like to think it's yours truly, just like you said. Anyways, I can't say fer sure when I'll be settin' foot on land again, but the offer of a basket o' bones may be enough to bring me back to shore!
Merry Wintumber, shipmate
P.S. I tried to smuggle a monkey from Ape Atoll for yer, but I could only get a handful of fur. So, I made you some chocolate-chimp cookies, whenever you fancy popping aboard the Seahound to get 'em.
since you seem to be the only thing that is remotely close to christmas i am sending you my christmas list, but if you know someone whos closer to christmas then i'd appreciate it if you sent it to him/her
anyway these are the things i want for christmas...
- a santa hat
- a christmas cracker
- a 'bob the cat' t-shirt
- the "attack at falador" book
- a jewel from your crown
- my very own ice giant or warrior
- the ability to build your thrown in my house
- and last but certainly not least i want an...an...an official carbine dual action two shot semiautomatic Darkbow!
with hopes and thanks
Lance a pan
Dear Lance a pan,
My my, that is quite a selection! Personally, there's not much that would interest me - my own ice giant, perhaps, to shoo away yetis, or some carbine-thingummy dark bows to make my snow imps look more feisty.
Still, it's not for me to pass judgment. Your letter has been added to Santa's pile, and he is flicking through them as we speak. I'll let you into a secret: Santa's tongue creeps out of the corner of his mouth when he reads, which is rather endearing.
Oh, wait - he is coming to your letter - adding a few crosses as he goes. Please don't think that it's because you've been naughty this year (letters light up if the writer has been good, and yours had a warm glow); it is more likely that the items are outside his comfort zone. For example, if he tried to take a jewel from my crown, he'd find himself in his very own snowglobe.
He's given me a wink, which means he has some alternative ideas. I think, come Christmas Day, you'll be rather happy with what lies in your stocking and beneath your tree.
Merry Christmas, dear friend,
Lumi, Queen of Snow
I ask, what has become of you?! Your bloodline would be mortified that you have become nothing more than a sideshow attraction! You, my small green friend, belong to the great, battle-hardened race known as Orks. Their glory and brutality served Bandos, the Great God of War, during the Third Age when all we know was on the brink of destruction. How can you dishonour your brethren of the past by simply being fodder for some bypasser to throw around with magic? The Orks of ancient time were skilled warriors, who revered in the name of the Big High War God, and were the prime of said God's army. While you sit back and watch the acrobats swing, slain Orks of the Godwars roam the Wilderness to look for a purpose in their state of illicit existence. For the sake of your race and the honor they held, you must make amends and find your true path - the path of the warrior!
With great pride,
Once I was the most bone-scrunchy, rib-munchy ork for lots of big distances. I had to stop terror-eyesing yoomans when my noggin started to feel like a chinchompa had exploded in it. I looked all over for a way to make my noggin better, but all of the dokters ran away from me. Maybee they don’t like being frettened.
Eventyooally I met someone very famuss, Balfasar Boregard. He sed that he could make all the pane go away, but only if I stopped beating up puny yoomans. I wasn’t sure, but my hed really hurt, so I sed yes. Boregard toled me that the cure for my illness is being lifted into the air on a regyoolar baysis, so now the puny yoomans is using majik to frow me arownd. Don’t fink that I am happy with this sort of treatment, cos I ain’t, but being chucked up and down reely does help my hed.
As soon as I am free of this hedake, I will have my revenje, and those nasty yoomans will pay for wot they have done to me. They will all pay.
The Amasin' Rodolfo
I know I is beeing thinking, and Big High War God say thinkers must die, but when Big High War God coming back to plane to show we Goblins best? I has been killed lotsa times and always I come back, but no Big High War God ever come and show we best! I has been in Secret Temple and asked old Big High Priests but they kill me so i ask you now. When he coming back, if ever?
Often reborn goblin in Service of Big High War God
(or Spire Man2)
P.S. What happens if we kill skull postie?
(Why use Spire Man2 at all? Grimeear good goblin name.)
It true that, for thinking, you must die. Problem is, you say you keep come back anyway, so killing you seem waste of High Priest's time, energy and other things High Priest not want wasting. We not need Big High War God to tell us goblins best; we know we best 'cos Big High War God made us.
I did have vision other night that he coming back real soon - but it jumbled up with stuff about skeletons in ice and weird thing with horns and yellow stripes.
Goblin High Priest
P.S. If we kill skull postie, he no deliver letters no more, then how I get my monthly sub'cription of Goblins' Digest?
Can I call you Dave? In the last few months i've noticed you doing a little segment called Evil Daves conspiracy (sorry about the spelling there) letters, and I would like to tell you of a theory of my own.
My theory revolves around one word, Basilisks. They want to take over the world! I truly believe they are dragons in hiding just waiting to attack all of Runescape and kill everyone who does not have a mirror shield at close hand. I believe this because all the facts add up, with dragons you need a shield or you get hurt extremely bad and this is the same as with those evil little basilisks. This is many times worse than if dragons attack because it is 10 times more likely people will have a anti-dragon shield in there inventory instead of a mirror shield. Can you simply imagine the destruction of all we know?! If you think there is anything possible we can do please write back.
p.s Keep a mirror shield at close hand all the time no matter what.
Dear Anonymous (can I call you Anony? It's a much more SINISTER NAME OF IMPENDING MYSTERY),
Yes, you may call me Dave, although I prefer INQUISITOR EVIL DAVE OF THE LEAGUE OF CONSPIRACY WARRIORS.
I read your theory with much interest, and although it bears all the hallmarks of an EVIL CONSPIRACY, it falls down on one simple point: there is no such thing as a basilisk.
That's right, this HORRIFIC BEAST OF THE NIGHTMARES THAT FOLLOW EATING LARGE QUANTITIES OF CHEESE, is little more than a myth. Those creatures that you believe you are fighting are actually figments of your DARK IMAGINATION, brought about by having to listen to those Slayer Masters moaning on and on about how this creature is nasty, or that monster is particularly evil. Don't get me wrong, dear conspirator, many beasts are EXTRAORDINARILY WICKED, but basilisks can't be, because they just don't exist.
I suppose you could imagine that you're seeing one if the sun was a certain height in the sky, causing a refraction in the upper atmosphere, reflected off your mirror shield (this is similar to the reason you think cats have four legs rather than the more accurate three).
Further to which, why would some DIRE BEAST SO FOUL MY MUMMY'S STEW CANNOT MASK THE SCENT allow itself to have a silly name like 'basilisk'?
INQUISITOR EVIL DAVE OF THE LEAGUE OF CONSPIRACY WARRIORS
El Duderinos, it's been too long! We haven't conversed since I got my 'fro, which is really, really...not righteous. What's the opposite of righteous? Lefteous! That's right dudes, it's been really, really lefteous.
But don't fret, dude-barons, 'cos I am back with a bang, which - I like to think - is mixed with some sharp beats. Anywho, I have a gift for you all, wrapped in awesomeness and sprinkled with cool: it's the Party Pete Christmas speech!
Are you sitting funkily? Then I will begin.
Dudes of the world!
What can you say about this year? The surf has been wild, the partying fierce and it's all been a blur of bootylicious moves and drop balloons. Not only that, but there have been quests, skills and kerazy peevy-pee minigames to roast your chestnuts.
If I had to pick, though, my favourite update would be RuneScape HD. You can see every curl in my 'fro, dude! That's wild! It's not only my style that's looking prime: when I roll into Al Kharid, I can actually work on my tan. HD brought intense sunlight, dude! Which is weird, 'cos, when I look up, I only see black. That must be my sunglasses - it's the cost of being cool, man.
Talking of black, there's been some pretty dark and heinous quests this year: Spirit of Summer, Summer's End, Defender of Varrock, While Guthix Sleeps, Legacy of Seergaze - they all need to turn their frowns upside down, dudes! What's with the misery? If I'm ever down, I fritter cash on new threads and introduce the world to funk. Those Mahjarrat could do with emptying their coffers, buying a mirrorball catsuit and coming to my place for some bodypopping. Paaaaarty!
Toot toot! The Party Train rolls on, bringing the Christmas speech to peevy-pee minigames. Now, let me tell you a secret: Party Pete wasn't into the idea at first. There's just so much killing, dudicles, and I'm not getting with that. Make shapes, not war: that's my motto. So, I passed Bounty Hunter and PvP Worlds by, while I invented a few dance moves. That was till my birthday, when bro' Prison Pete bought me a gift voucher for the Great Orb Project. Have you played it, megadudes? It's insane! I'm there, swiping green balls with a big stick, having a whale of a time! It was so colourful, dudes, that it felt like my eyes were being massaged by marzipan fairies.
Finally, a mention must be made about Summoning, as I've got a pet chameleon on my Christmas list. I know what they say - "a pet chameleon is not just for Christmas" - but I promise I'll look after it, questioning dudes. I'd call him Karma and he'd change colour with the choons and keep the Party Room free of flies. The dude would be stellar.
Anyway, gotta run - I have presents to wrap and the Petes are round mine this year. Last year we were round Prison Pete's, and it lacked atmosphere.
So, recognise, and have a party-riffic Christmas. Come pay me a visit - I'm always prêt-à-danser (as those French homies like to say).
Festive cheer to all of you who submitted letters this month. Keep them coming in the New Year!
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Next month...how many chins could a chinchompa chomp?
|Characters mentioned in the letters|