Transcript of Another Slice of H.A.M.

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Quest Start[edit | edit source]

  • Ambassador Alvijar: Headman Ur-tag, I cannot express enough how important it is that this train link be completed on time. The mining companies have taken out considerable loans...
  • Ur-tag: I understand your concerns, Ambassador, but you must realise that the discoveries must change the whole schedule. To remove them too hurriedly would be a crime against knowledge.
  • Select an Option
    • What are you arguing about?
      • Player: What are you talking about?
      • Ur-tag: It's the new underground train link being built between our city and the dwarven city of Keldagrim.
      • Ambassador Alvijar: It will be the pinnacle of dwarven engineering! A great leap forward from the old steam-powered minecarts! A monument to the power and ingenuity of the Consortium! And it would be finished by now, except that they found some old goblin bones they want to dig up.
      • Ur-tag: We've unearthed some very important artefacts that were buried during the Dorgeshuun Civil War. They could shed important light on our history.
      • Ur-tag: [Adventurer], do you have any experience with archaeology?
      • Player: I passed my archaeology exam at the Digsite!
      • Ur-tag: Excellent! We have not had a major archaeological project for generations, so if you could give us some help we would appreciate it.
        • Accept quest
          • Player: I'd love to help!
          • Ur-tag: Splendid! The path to the train tunnel is in the south-west of the city.
          • Ambassador Alvijar: Perhaps now we can get this finished quickly and get on with laying the tracks.
        • Not right now
          • Player: Do your own digging!
          • Ur-tag: Oh well. We will continue at our own pace.
    • What can I do in the city?
      • Player: What can I do in the city?
      • Ur-tag: Why don't you visit the market? I hear there is a quite a craze for surface foods at the moment, so you might be able to sell something there. You might also want to visit the caves to the south of the city. there are many monsters to fight there, and Zanik tells me she has also found ways to cross over their heads!
    • Why did you decide to open the city?
      • Player: Why did you decide to open the city?
      • Ur-tag: For trade, and for fostering goodwill between races! I am sure it will benefit both our races.

Talking to Ur-Tag before leaving

  • Ur-tag: How is the archaeological dig going?
  • Player: It's not finished yet.
  • Ambassador Alvijar: I wish you could work more quickly. The new train link is very important to the dwarven economy.

Talking to Ambassador Alvijar before leaving

  • Ambassador Alvijar: I hope you're hurrying up with that archaeological dig. Every moment we wait wastes more of the Consortium's money!

A Curious Discovery[edit | edit source]

An old friend at the digsite[edit | edit source]

  • Zanik: Hi Player!
  • Player: Hi Zanik. What are you doing here?
  • Zanik: I'm having a look at the things that are being dug up here! It's really amazing to think that these things were used by my ancestors hundreds of years ago. Tegdak thinks that some of them may even have been brought down here from the surface by the early Dorgeshuun.
  • Player: Hi Zanik what are you doing here?

Chatting with the builders

  • The NPCs say one of the following at random
    • Dialogue 1
      • Builder: Will you tell those goblins to get on with their digging? We've got a job to finish here.
    • Dialogue 2
      • Builder: I hope the Consortium will understand it's not our fault the work will be finished late. This is the most important job of my career!
    • Dialogue 3
      • Builder: I'm looking forward to riding on this train once it's finished. It'll be so much faster than the old steam-powered minecarts. It'll be the fastest machine in Gielinor.!
    • Dialogue 4
      • Builder: I hope those goblins hurry up with their digging. It's so frustrating having to stop work when the train link is nearly finished!
    • Dialogue 5
      • Builder: Bah! These goblins don't appreciate how important this train link is! It'll be the greatest dwarven achievement of this generation, and it's being held up just so they can pick at old broken things in the ground.

Excavation[edit | edit source]

  • Tegdak: Oh, hello surface-dweller. I'm afraid we're a bit busy cleaning specimens at the moment so I can't help you.
  • Player: Ur-tag asked me to help out with the dig. I have an archaeological qualification!
  • Tegdak: Oh! In that case we could use your help. There are some ancient goblin artefacts buried in the ground around here. We want to extract them, but we don't have much experience and could end up breaking them. Could you extract them, clean them, and then give them to me please?
  • Player: Okay.
  • Tegdak: Here, take this trowel and specimen brush.

Chatting with Tegdak again without artefacts

  • Tegdak: How are you getting on with extracting the artefacts?
  • Player: I haven't got any yet.

Using the trowel or brush on Tegdak

  • Tegdak: What? No, extract the artefacts please.

Using the uncleaned artefact on Tegdak

  • Tegdak: Thanks for extracting that artefact, but you'll need to clean it as well.

Trying to use artefact on the occupied tables

There are already goblins working at that table. You should use the empty table.

Returning with the artefacts to Tegdak
  • Tegdak: Thank you, Player
  • Zanik: What is it?
  • Tegdak: It looks like a fragment of armour.
  • Zanik: Look at the design! That's a lot like the design of the goblin armour I saw on the surface.
  • Tegdak: That confirms that our ancestors retained a lot of customs from the surface even after they came down here. Our guards didn't start wearing lighter chainmail until after the Civil War.
  • Player: I have another one.
  • Zanik: What is it?
  • Tegdak: It looks like a piece of a shield.
  • Zanik: Look at that stress fracture. It looks like this shield broke pretty easily.
  • Tegdak: I would guess that this shield was made during the Dorgeshuun Civil War and not handed down from the time on the surface. It seems that even by the time of the Civil War, our ancestors were beginning to lose their skills at making weapons.
  • Player: I have another one.
  • Zanik: What is it?
  • Tegdak: It looks like a piece of a helmet.
  • Zanik: A helmet? So those are eye-holes? They look too small.
  • Tegdak: This was from the early days of Dorgesh-Kaan. It must have been before our ancestors' eyes reached their current size.
  • Player: I have another one.
  • Zanik: What is it?
  • Tegdak: I'm not sure. What do you think?
  • Zanik: It looks a bit like a sword, doesn't it? I saw some people using them on the surface.
  • Tegdak: The early Dorgeshuun must have used a much larger variety of weapons than we do now.
  • Player: I have another one.
  • Zanik: What is it?
  • Tegdak: I'm not sure. It's got some kind of blade... Is it a spear tip?
  • Zanik: Oh, I know what it is! It's a hatchet head! Hatchets are these things they use on the surface for cutting down trees. I think they can be used as weapons too.
  • Tegdak: Our ancestors must have brought it down from the surface, then. There would be no need for them to make hatchets when they were down here, as there are no trees. It's amazing to think that we're handling objects that date back to the time of the war of the gods!
  • Player: I have another one.
  • Zanik: What is it?
  • Tegdak: It's... Actually, what is it? It's a sort of stick with a lump on the end.
  • Player: I think it's a mace.
  • Tegdak: A mace?
  • Player: A kind of weapon.
  • Tegdak: That's all the artefacts we needed to extract. Thanks again, [Adventurer]! Now, the most interesting one is this ancient mace. It's the only intact weapon, and I'm pretty sure it dates back to the time when the Dorgeshuun were on the surface. It's covered in symbols, but I can't decipher them. Zanik, could you take it to the scribe? He might know what they mean. I'll finish up the dig here.
  • If the player has no familiar or pet out
    • Zanik: Sure thing! Come on, [Adventurer], let's go talk to the scribe!
  • If the player has something summoned
    • Zanik: You should pick up your pet thingy first. It would only get in the way.

Chatting with Zanik before going to the scribe

  • Zanik: I've got a strange feeling about this mace, Player. Maybe when we find out about it, it will shed some light onto my destiny. Come on, let's show it to the scribe.
  • Select an option
    • Okay
      • Player: Okay
    • I need to do something else for a bit
      • Player: Okay
      • Zanik: All right. I'll go back and help finish the dig.

If the player talks to Zanik without her following them

  • Zanik: Shall we go and talk to the scribe about this ancient mace now?
  • Select an option
    • Yes
      • Player: Yes.
      • Zanik: Let's go then!
    • No
      • Player: No.
      • Zanik: Oh well. Let me know when you're ready.
    • Where is the mace?
      • Player: Where is the mace?
      • Zanik: I've got it! I'll hold onto it until we've shown it to the scribe. Shall we go?
      • (shows previous options)

Chatting with Tegdak before leaving

  • Tegdak: Thanks for your help. There's not much left for us to do here except pack everything up. Have you shown that mace to the scribe yet?
  • Player: Not yet.

The Goblin Scribe[edit | edit source]

  • Goblin scribe: Ah, hello Zanik, hello Player. How is the dig going?
  • Zanik: Player helped us to finish the dig! Look what [he/she] dug up!
Zanik shows the mace to the scribe.
  • Goblin scribe: Hmm... that is interesting. What do you think it is?
  • Player: It's a mace.
  • Zanik: Player says that's a kind of weapon.
  • Goblin scribe: I can see how. I certainly wouldn't want to be hit with it!
  • Zanik: We think it's a magical weapon from the surface. Can you decipher the symbols on it?
  • Goblin scribe: Hmm... No. I'm afraid not. Our written language has developed so much since then that it's totally indecipherable to me.
  • Zanik: Oh well.
  • Goblin scribe: Wait a moment. [Player], didn't you say you talked to some surface goblins when you were trying to find your way through to our mines?
  • Player: Yes, I talked to the generals in the Goblin Village.
  • Goblin scribe: Perhaps you could talk to them again. They might know more about weapons than we do.
  • Zanik: Good idea! I'd rather not travel all that way over the surface, though. I wonder if Oldak could use magic to help us get there?

Talking to the Scribe again before leaving

  • Goblin scribe: Hello, Zanik. Have you found out about that mace yet?
  • Zanik: Not yet. Come on, Player! We should go and ask the goblin generals about it!

Talking to Zanik before leaving

  • Zanik: I can't believe we're going to the Goblin Village on the surface! I'm finally going to see how my distant relatives live! Actually, I'm a little nervous about what I'll find there...

Talking to Zanik after dismissing her

  • Zanik: Shall we go see Oldak now? I'm sure he'll have a way of getting us to the Goblin Village quickly!

Chatting with Tegdak before leaving

  • Tegdak: Thanks for your help. There's not much left for us to do here except pack everything up. Have you shown that mace to the scribe yet?
  • Player: Yes! No we're going to go to the Goblin Village to ask the surface goblins about it!
  • Tegdak: Good idea! Maybe Oldak can help you get there.

Talking with Ambassador Alvijar

  • Ambassador Alvijar: Thank you for helping with the dig! Ur-tag tells me it will be finished soon, and then we will be able to resume work!

Oldak teleportation[edit | edit source]

  • Oldak: Ah, Zanik. Would you like to see the results of my experiment with nature runes?
  • Zanik: Not right now, Oldak. We wanted to see if you could make Moving-Over-Distance Spheres to somewhere other than the city.
  • Oldak: Oh yes. My research along those lines has been coming along very well. I think I could make a Moving-Over-Distance Sphere to anywhere you like, given a little work.
  • Player: We're trying to take this ancient goblin mace to the Goblin Village on the surface. Do you think you could help us to get there?
  • Oldak: Hmm. The Goblin Village, you say? I think I could do that. Just a moment.
Oldak carefully measures out some crushed runes and makes a glass sphere around them.
  • Oldak: There you go. I've made you each one to get you to the Goblin Village and one to bring you back here.
  • Zanik: Thanks Oldak! Okay, [Adventurer], let's go!

A Visit to the Village[edit | edit source]

The Chosen Commander[edit | edit source]

A crash landing[edit | edit source]

  • Zanik: Ow, my eyes... So this is the Goblin Village! It's so different from Dorgesh-Kaan, isn't it, [Adventurer]? [Adventurer], where are you? [Adventurer]?
  • Player: Aaah!
  • Zanik: Sorry about that, [Adventurer]! Oldak's calculations aren't always exact!

Seeing the village[edit | edit source]

Chatting with Zanik

  • Zanik: So this is how goblins on the surface live! Come on, Player, lets talk to them!

Chatting with Goblins

  • Zanik: Hello?
  • Goblin #1: Who you?
  • Zanik: I'm Zanik of the Dorgeshuun!
  • Goblin #1: Dorgeshuun?
  • Zanik: Yes! We're another tribe of goblins who live underground. We've been cut off from the surface for generations but now we're back.
  • Goblin #1: What you want?
  • Zanik: Who is in charge here?
  • Goblin #1: That General Bentnoze. He live in big hut.
  • Goblin #2: No General Warface is leader!
  • Zanik: Hello?
  • Goblin #1: He say Wartface is leader but real leader is Bentnoze!
  • Player: These goblins fight all the time, Zanik. Come on, Warface and Bentnoze are both in the big hut.

The generals[edit | edit source]

Cutscene starts
  • General Wartface: Who you?
  • Zanik: I'm Zanik of the Dorgeshuun!
  • General Wartface: Lost tribe?
  • Zanik: That's right! We've been cut off from the outside world for thousands of years but now we're back!
  • General Bentnoze: So legend true!
  • General Wartface: What you want?
  • Player: Can you tell us anything about this mace?
  • General Bentnoze: That holy mace of Big High War God.
  • General Wartface: In time of great war, strongest goblin warriors carry maces like this.
  • General Bentnoze: They use them to take favour of gods away from enemy. If another god protecting enemy, goblin warrior use this mace and favour of god is stolen away!
  • Zanik: Oh. A holy mace of the War God.
  • General Wartface: You not look very happy.
  • General Bentnoze: You should praise Big High War God for giving you holy mace!
  • Player: The Dorgeshuun don't have quite the same attitude to the gods as you on the surface do.
  • General Wartface: All goblins worship Big High War God! Without him we nothing!
  • General Bentnoze: You not real goblin! You filthy human!
  • Zanik: I am a goblin!
  • General Bentnoze: You not even look like goblin! You have big eyes and wrong colour skin!
  • Grubfoot: She is goblin!
  • General Bentnoze: Shut up Grubfoot!
  • General Wartface: No let him speak.
  • Grubfoot: She is goblin. And she more than that... Last night I have dream. I see this new goblin come into village, holding up holy mace. All goblins gather around her. Not just from village, from all over world. She is Chosen Commander!
  • Player: Chosen Commander?
  • General Wartface: That story from goblin holy book. We not had Commander of all goblins since time of great war. Holy book say someday Big High War God send Chosen Commander to lead us to victory over whole world.
  • Grubfoot: That what I see in dream. It her destiny.
  • Zanik: My destiny...
  • General Bentnoze: That not true! She cannot be Chosen Commander! She not proper goblin! She not worship Big High War God!
  • General Wartface: But what if she is? If we ignore her, Big High War God strike us down!
  • General Bentnoze: All right. I not believe you Chosen Commander. But we let you talk to people in village.
  • General Wartface: Grubfoot! Tell people in village to gather around! Dorgesh goblin will speak to us all!
Another cutscene starts
  • General Wartface: Goblins listen up! This Zanik, she from Dorgeshuun tribe!
  • General Bentnoze: She say she Chosen Commander!
  • Zanik: No, I-
  • General Wartface: We not know what she have to say. But in case she Chosen Commander, we let her speak. Speak, Zanik!
  • Zanik: Help, [Adventurer]! What should I say?
  • Player: I don't know!
  • Zanik: Goblins... goblins of the Goblin Village. I'm Zanik of the Dorgeshuun. You may know the legend of the Dorgeshuun, but let me tell you our own version. Thousands of years ago, the Big High War God forced all goblins to fight in a terrible war.
  • Goblins: Big High War God! Big High War God!
  • Zanik: No! Listen! The god commanded the Dorgeshuun to fight a battle they could not win!
  • Goblin: You weak! You hide instead of fight!
  • Zanik: You don't need to think in those terms! We've lived for centuries without warm and without gods, and-
  • Goblin: Aaaargh!
  • Goblin: Unk!
  • General Bentnoze: We under attack!
  • General Wartface: Scatter!
The goblins scatter into buildings.
Cutscene ends

Another Slice of H.A.M.[edit | edit source]

  • Zanik: The shots came from the top of that tower, [Adventurer]! Can you see anything?
  • Player: There are two snipers up there.
  • Zanik: I can't get anywhere without coming into their line of fire, but I think you could get around the side of the buildings to the ladder.

Trying to enter into the middle of the village

An arrow thuds into the ground and forces you to jump back.


  • Player: Sigmund!
  • Sigmund: You can never defeat me! I've been training my Combat by killing goblins around Lumbridge!
  • Zanik: You... you murderer! Quick, [Adventurer]! Shoot him while I have him distracted!
A blinding flash of light appears
  • Zanik: Aaaaah! My eyes!
Sigmund holds a sword against Zaniks throat
  • Sigmund: Don't even think about it, [Adventurer]! Make one move and I'll slit her throat! Your little goblin friend has a role in my plan! I'm taking her to the tunnel we've built from the Lumbridge Swamp Caves to the new dwarven train track. When the cave goblins find that the dwarven train has killed their hero, there will be war between them! Saradomin's chosen children can watch as two vile underground races wipe each other out! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!
Sigmund leaves with Zanik
  • General Wartface: Are they gone?
  • General Bentnoze: What happen?
  • Player: Sigmund has kidnapped Zanik!
  • General Wartface: He kidnap Chosen Commander? You must rescue her!
  • General Bentnoze: Human will need help. You take our best warrior, Sergeant Mossfists.
  • General Wartface: No! Sergeant Slimetoes best warrior! Take him!
  • Player: We don't have time for this! Why don't I take both warriors?
  • General Bentnoze: Okay. Grubfoot! Fetch Mossfists and Slimetoes and tell them to meet [Adventurer] in Lumbridge Swamp! You take ancient goblin mace. Maybe it be useful.
  • General Wartface: You rescue Chosen Commander and she lead us all to glory!

Talking to the generals before leaving

  • Player: How can I rescue Zanik?
  • General Bentnoze: Pink robe man say they digging tunnel under Lumbridge Swamp Caves. You go there to rescue Chosen Commander.
  • General Wartface: Sergeants wait for you at entrance to Lumbridge Swamp Caves.
  • General Bentnoze: You take ancient goblin mace. Maybe it be useful.
  • If the player has lost the mace
  • Player: I lost the mace.
  • General Wartface: We know! Some goblin find it, give it back here.
  • General Bentnoze: Me tell you human not clever enough! He lose mace.
  • General Wartface: You want mace, you give us 1,000 coins. Maybe you not lose it again if you have to pay!
  • Select an option
    • Fair enough. Here you go.
      • Player: Fair enough. Here you go.
      • General Bentnoze: You take ancient goblin mace now and rescue Chosen Commander!
      • General Wartface: Remember, mace has power to rob enemy of power of Prayer!
      • General Bentnoze: Pink robe man say they digging tunnel under Lumbridge Swamp Caves. You go there to rescue Chosen Commander.
      • General Wartface: Sergeants wait for you at entrance to Lumbridge Swamp Caves.
    • No way
      • Player: No way!
      • General Bentnoze: Well then, human no get mace.
      • General Wartface: But me not think you able to kill Sigmund with no mace.
      • General Bentnoze: So if you care about big-eyed friend, you find 1,000 coins!
      • General Wartface: But me not think you able to kill Sigmund with no mace.

Returning to Ambassador Alvijar

  • Ambassador Alvijar: Thank you for helping with the dig! I hear that the work on the tunnel is now complete and the first train will be making the journey very soon!
  • Player: You've got to stop the train! Sigmund is planning something terrible down there!
  • Ambassador Alvijar: What are you babbling about? Everyone was cleared out of the tunnel when we completed work. There's no reason to stop the train.

Damsel in Distress[edit | edit source]

  • Sergeant Slimetoes: You [Adventurer]?
  • Player: Yes.
  • Sergeant Mossfists: Generals say we help you rescue Chosen Commander.
  • Sergeant Slimetoes: It too important for puny human to do on own. You just get killed.
  • Sergeant Mossfists: So we come to look after you so you not die.
  • Sergeant Slimetoes: Grubfoot say pink robe man take Chosen Commander down this hole into new tunnel.
  • Sergeant Mossfists: We distract guards for you. If we see them, we attack them so you get past while we fighting!

Talking to them again before leaving

  • Sergeant Mossfists/Sergeant Slimetoes: What we waiting for? We must go down into tunnel and rescue Chosen Commander!
Entering Lumbridge caves

Talking to the sergeants

  • Sergeant Mossfists/Sergeant Slimetoes: Look, there new hole with ladder just next to climby-out rope. We go down there.
Climbing the ladder
  • Guard: Oh no! Goblins!
  • Sergeant Mossfists: Ha ha! Puny human scared of me!
  • Sergeant Slimetoes: No he scared of me!
  • Player: He's probably just gone to get reinforcements. He'll be back in a few moments with more guards.

The guards

  • Goblin!

Die goblin!

The Sergeants

  • Quick! Me keep human busy!

Take that!

  • Ha ha ha!

Chatting with the Sergeants while they are fighting

  • Sergeant Mossfists/Sergeant Slimetoes: You go quick! I keep guard busy!
Climbing the ladder to the tracks
  • Sigmund: At last I have defeated you, filthy goblin! Any moment now the first dwarf train will come thundering down this tunnel and crush you! And then the goblins and the dwarves will go to war! Ha ha ha ha ha!
  • Zanik: You monster!
  • Sigmund: No, YOU'RE the monster! That's why you and all your filthy species must die!
The player appears at the scene
  • Sigmund: We meet again, [Adventurer]! This time your goblin friend cannot help you. You are on your own and have no way to overcome my prayers!
  • Zanik: Help! Help!
The player uses the mace to drain Sigmund's prayer
  • Sigmund: What's happening? This weapon is overcoming Saradomin's protection! You've taken away the last of my prayer energy!
Sigmund is defeated
  • Sigmund: Bah! You win again, [Adventurer]! But someday, somehow, I will have my revenge!
  • Zanik: Quick, [Adventurer]! Untie me before the train comes!

Grand Opening[edit | edit source]

~ The grand opening of the Dorgesh-Kaan – Keldagrim train line ~

  • Ur-tag: It is my great pleasure to declare this new train link open! [Adventurer], Zanik has told me about your exploits. It seems that all the Dorgeshuun owe you our lives once again.
  • Player: All in a day's work for an adventurer like me!
  • Ur-tag: As a reward, I suggest you keep the ancient goblin mace that you helped to excavate. Most of the Dorgeshuun would be happy if such a war-like artefact was kept outside the city, and I am sure you will keep it in safe hands.
  • Player: Thank you, Ur-tag!
QUEST COMPLETE!!!