Transcript of A Clockwork Syringe

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Player-owned house[edit | edit source]

Postie Pete appears
  • Postie Pete: Hey, Player!
  • Postie Pete: I've delivered a package to your player-owned house. The delivery note is stuck to the player-owned house portal!
  • Player: Thanks, Pete.
  • Postie Pete: No thanks necessary, Player. Now I've more post to deliver!
  • Player: See you around!
  • Postie Pete: Not if I see you first!
Pete teleports away. Player investigates the package
  • Chatbox: WARNING Some players may find the following scenes distressing. There are no kitten cutscenes to protect your innocence this time.
  • Large crate: Heh heh heh...
  • Player: Let's have a look here...
A Barrelchest Mark II jumps out of the crate and knocks the player back.
When the Barrelchest MK II is preparing an attack
  • Any pets the player has: Eep!
The player fights the barrelchest until its defeat
Estate agent teleports in
  • Player: What are you doing here?
  • Estate agent: I'm just here to make sure the repairs are all satisfactory.
  • Player: Repairs?
  • Estate agent: Yes, I heard all the commotion and sent out our repairmen. They should have restored everything in your house to the way it was before your little incident.
  • Player: How much is all this going to cost me?
  • Estate agent: Cost you? Nothing at all. This is all on insurance! Luckily for you, the standard player-owned house contents insurance policy was recently updated to include acts of zombio-mechanical piracy.
  • Player: Is it that much of a widespread problem that the policy needs to include it?
  • Estate agent: In all honesty, no. I never thought it would happen, so I put it in to make the list of covered circumstances seem more attractive. So I took a gamble and lost on that one. Ah, well. You can't win them all. Unfortunately, the policy doesn't include removal of the perpetrator of the attack. You'll have to deal with him yourself.
  • Player: That's fine. I was about to have a quiet word with him anyway...
  • Estate agent: In that case, I shall bid you good day, and return to the office. I'll just be taking that delivery note. As evidence for your claim, you see.
  • Player: That's fine, here, take it. Good day!
  • Estate agent: Good day!
The estate agent teleports away
  • Player: Who sent you? Why did you attack me and mash up my stuff?
  • Zombie head: I'll never tell ye anything!
  • Player: We'll soon see about that!
Interrupting the dialogue or walking away during the torture sequence
  • Player: I'll be back to finish the job later!
Player tortures the head
  • Wet willy: Wet willy!

Insult 1: Face it, you're finished!

  • Zombie head: I'll never tell ye anythin'!

Insult 2: Yo momma has enough chins for 99 ranged!

  • Zombie head: Leave me mother out of this!

Insult 3: You've got no-body to help you!

  • Zombie head: Do ye think I'm scared of ya?

Nose pinch: Nose pinch!

  • Zombie head: Arr, ye've made me nose sore, cretin!

Pig nose: Pig nose!

  • Zombie head: Aaaaargh, me poor, sore nose!
  • Shake: Shake!
Zombie head has been tortured enough
  • Zombie head: Arr! Enough! I'll talk!
  • Player: Tell me what you know! Who sent you?
  • Zombie head: Ye've made some powerful enemies thanks to that inquisitive nose o' yours, Player. I was sent here to eliminate ye on behalf o' the one most powerful.
  • Player: Give me the name!
  • Zombie head: Ye know of whom I speak, Player! Captain of This Albatross, condemned to the depths by those friend a yourn. He's back to wreak his vengeance on all o' ye!
  • Player: Rabid Jack!
  • Zombie head: Aye, Player. Ye've caught his eye with all the trouble ye've been causing us.
  • Player: What are his plans? Tell me now!
  • Zombie head: I'm one o' many, [player name]. Tell me how ye think Mos Le'Harmless will fare against an army o' us barrelchests!
  • Player: ...
  • Zombie head: That's right! They be bein' made even as we speak! Ye're doomed! All doomed!
  • Player: Where's the factory? Where are they being made?
  • Zombie head: I'll never tell ya, even through torture worse than ye've already given me!
  • Player: Aaaaaaaaaaargh! I need to warn Bill Teach as soon as possible! And you're coming with me.
  • Zombie head: What? Ye can't be serious!
  • You stuff the still protesting zombie head into your pack!
  • Zombie head: Let me out of this bag, curse ye!
  • Player: Never! You're coming with me to Bill Teach!
  • Zombie head: Argh! There be fluff in the bottom o' yer bag! It be gettin' in me nose!
  • Player: Good.

If you chat with the Zombie Head before showing him to Bill Teach.

  • Zombie head: Let me out of this bag, curse ye!
  • Player: Never! You're coming with me to Bill Teach!

If you destroy the Zombie Head.

  • You place the head on uneven ground, and it rolls off in the direction of your player-owned house.

Coming back to retrieve the Zombie Head.

  • Zombie head: Come back for more, have ye? I'm not scared o' ye!
  • You stuff the still protesting zombie head into your pack!
  • Player: Now I need to go and warn Bill Teach before it's too late!
  • Zombie head: Ye can't treat someone like this! Argh, there be fluffin the bottom o' your bag! It be gettin' in me nose!

Mos Le'Harmless[edit | edit source]

  • Player: Bill, I have urgent news about Ra-- About 'You-Know-Who'.
  • Bill Teach: I can tell from yer eyes that this be no jokin' matter, lad. I think we should go somewhere more private te talk. Y'know, save panicking the locals and that.
  • Player: Alright, Bill, where should I meet you?
  • Bill: There be a particular seat In Joe's House o' 'Rum', in the corner. Ye'll know it when ye see it. Sit in that chair an' ask Joe for a 'Long Drop'. He'll ask ye if ye're sure. Ye reply 'Aye, drop me'. Joe is in northern Mos Le'Harmless.
  • Player: Hang on, what?
  • Bill: Trust me, Player.
  • Player: Alright... I guess...
The player goes to Joe's House o' 'Rum'
  • Joe: What'll it be?
  • Player: A Long Drop.
  • Joe: Ye sure?
  • Player: Aye, drop me...
  • Joe: Take a seat.
The player sits down and is dropped through a trapdoor, falling into the basement
  • Player: Aaaaah!
  • Bill: Nice entrance, lad!
  • Player: Why is it that whenever a pirate tells me to go somewhere I end up with a headache?
  • Bill: I'm sure I have no idea what ye mean, Player. Now, te business. What is it ye wanted te tell me?
  • Player: I've got urgent news about Rabid Jack!
  • Bill: Why can't ye ever learn not te say that name, lad?
  • Player: Dammit, Bill! We don't have time for that! Listen to me!
  • Bill: Ye're worrying me, Player. I've never seen ye this riled. Tell me what's happened.
  • Player: I was attacked in my house by an assassin. Part zombie, part pirate, all mechanical and all evil. He claims he was sent by 'You-Know-Who', and is one of an army being built to attack Mos Le'Harmless!
  • Bill: That be a tall tale, lad. Ye know our rules and customs regardin' this amtter, the oath we all swore. I trust ye have evidence?
  • Player: Yes, I do have... evidence.
  • Bill: Well, then, let's see it! Put it on that table over there.
The player places the zombie head on a crate onto the table
  • Zombie head: What're YE lookin' at?
  • Bill: ...
  • Player: Bill?
  • Bill: I'm just thinkin', Player...I wish I could say this is the weirdest thing that we've been through together. But it's not. Come on there, lad. Tell me what's goin' on.
  • Player: Well, I was in my house... ...and then I brought his decapitated head here to you.
  • Bill: Lad, if what ye're sayin' be true, we all be in grave danger, and we need te act now.
  • Player: That's why I brought him here. I subjected him to brutal torture, but he wouldn't give me the location of the factory where the army is being built.
  • Bill: Well, Player, fortunately there be more than one way te skin a cat, an' I happen to know quite a few of 'em meself.
  • Zombie head: Hah! Ye'll never get me te talk, ye great Jessie! What do you think you can do that'll scare a dead man's head?
  • Bill: I never said I planned to scare ye. Player, I need ye te do me a favour.
  • Player: What is it, Bill?
  • Bill: I think I can get our friend here te crack his lips fer us, but I need some 'special equipment' for the job. Equipment I happen to know Braindeath has in abundance.
  • Player: Okay, so you need me to go and pick it up. What am I getting from him? A head vice? Or maybe flesh-eating ants? Ooh, is it hot pokers?
  • Bill: Somethin' far worse'n all o' those combined. Somethin' so terrifyin', details cannot be divulged. Ye need te ask Braindeath for a... 'Twiblik Night Special'.
  • Player: You want me to ask Braindeath for a Twiblik Night Special?
  • Zombie head: Twiblik Night Special? Hah! Whatever that be it don't scare me!
  • Bill: Aye, Player. A Twiblik Night Special. I cannae tell ye of its unspeakable contents or the horrific things it has inflicted upon the world until ye prove to me an' Braindeath ye can be trusted to keep it a secret, but he'll entrust you with its transport te me as long as it's securely locked. Bring it back here te me when ye've got it.
  • Bill: Here, Player. Take this.
  • Chatbox: Bill hands you a scrap of paper.
  • Player: What is it?
    • Bill: It be a spell sheet containin' two ancient piratical spells. One can teleport ye from Mos Le'Harmless to Braindeath Island, the other does the reverse.
  • Player: Wow, that's handy. Thanks Bill!
  • Bill: Side effects may include minor headaches.
  • Player: What was that?
  • Bill: Oh, nothing. Get goin', lad! Time is not on our side!
If you speak with Bill Teach before completing the Mos' Les Harmless segment
  • Bill: Aye? What is it, Player?
  • What was I supposed to be doing again?
    • Player: What was I supposed to be doing again?
    • Bill: Ye need to go and see Braindeath and acquire the Twiblick Night Special, an’ I’d prefer if ye did it quickly, lad. Our friend here doesn’t make great company.
    • Zombie Head: Say that te me face, ye barnacle-covered bilge rat!
    • Player: Right. I’ll be on my way. You two enjoy your date!
    • Bill: It’s alright, Bill. Chances are ye’ll be dead soon, an’ then it all be over.
  • Nothing.
    • Player: Nothing. I'll be on my way.
    • Bill: Right ye are, Player.
The player reads the spell sheet. Pirate Pete appears and knocks them unconscious, transporting them
  • Player: Ow!

Braindeath Island[edit | edit source]

  • Captain Braindeath: Hey there, lad. What can I do for ye?
  • Player: I'm here on behalf of Bill Teach. We have an urgent situation unfolding, and he has asked that I requisition...
  • Player: ...
  • Braindeath: ...
  • Player: ...the Twiblik Night Special.
  • Braindeath: ...
  • Braindeath: These be dire times indeed if we be restortin' to that. No doubt ye've been told that what ye're askin' me for is not a trifling request to be taken lightly. I'd usually drop everythin' te help ye out, ye know that, but I have problems of me own right now, lad.
  • Player: You don't seem too pleased to be telling me about this.
  • Braindeath: Well, it's not a happy tale, Player. Some of me brewers have gone missing.
  • Player: How long have the brewers been missing for? Where were they last seen?
  • Braindeath: Well, they went te investigate an odd doorway-lookin' thing that was uncovered in a minor earthquake to the north of the island. No one else could fathom it, but these three were fresh recruits that just sailed in from Daemonheim, and they said they could figure it out, so I sent them through.
  • Braindeath: That were three days ago, lad.
  • Player: Hmmm, so if I rescue these brewers, you'll prepare the Twiblik Night Special for me to take to Bill Teach?
  • Braindeath: Aye, Player. That I will. Although I'm not expecting a rescue at this point. If ye find them, bring me proof of their fate. That'll suffice. While ye're searchin', I'll see about preparin' the Twiblik Night Special for ye.*
  • Braindeath: One more thing, lad. There be water leakin' out of the doorway-lookin' thing. There's a fairly good chance that whatever's on the other side is flooded. Ye'll need te take somethin' that'll let ye breathe underwater.
  • Player: I've left my diving lot in the bank.
  • Braindeath: Well, ye can take mine, an' I'll take yours from the bank next time I'm there.
  • Chatbox: Braindeath hands you some diving gear.
  • Player: Thanks, Cap'n!
  • Braindeath: Anythin' else, lad?
  • Player: Nothing, I'll be on my way now.
  • Braindeath: As ye were then, lad.
The player goes to doorway-lookin' thing, which turns out to be a resource dungeon
The player explores dangerous underwater dungeon and finds three dead brewers
  • Player: Looks like this brewer didn't make it. I'll see if I can find his name badge.
  • Chatbox: You find the brewer's name badge, his name is Rory/Jimmy/Trent.
  • Player: That's all three of the missing brewers. I should bring the news to Cap'n Braindeath. If only it were happier news...
The player return to Captain Braindeath
  • Braindeath: Aye? What is it, Player?
  • Player: I found the three missing brewers...
  • Braindeath: I can tell from yer eyes this isn't good news, lad. Let's have it.
  • Player: Rory, Jimmy and Trent - all dead. I'm sorry...
  • Braindeath: Arr, I'd feared as much, Player. What's goin' on down there?
  • Player: Well, the place was full of zombie surgeons injecting 'rum' into the wildlife. The crabs down there are giant and very, very aggressive now.
  • Braindeath: So that's what the swine was doin' with me 'rum'! Well, he'll get nay more from me, of that ye can rest easy! Anyway, lad. Back te business. I've the Twiblik Night Special for ye right here, but even ye aren't getting it without swearing 'The Oath'. Do ye think yerself ready, Player? 'The Oath' ye be about to swear carries with it untold weight. The secret ye will be entrusted with must be carried te yer grave.
  • Player: Yes, I'm ready.
  • Braindeath: Then repeat after me. I, Player, swear to thee...
  • Player: I, Player, swear to thee...
  • Braindeath: ...what happens at sea, stays at sea.
  • Player: ...what happens at sea, stays at sea.
  • Braindeath: None shall learn of 'The Oath' from me...
  • Player: None shall learn of 'The Oath' from me...
  • Braindeath: ...and if anyone does, Cap'n Braindeath'll smash me face in!
  • Player: ...and if anyone does, Cap'n Braindeath will...smash my face in?
  • Braindeath: With an anchor!
  • Player:
  • Braindeath: And he's definitely not kidding!
  • Player: And he's...he's... He's very definitely not kidding!
  • Braindeath: Okay, Player. Ye're ready. 'The Oath' be sworn. Prepare yerself.
  • Chatbox: Captain Braindeath hands you a securely locked chest.
  • Braindeath: Ye have what ye came for, lad. Take it back te Bill Teach. He has the key.

The player may try to open the chest with a picklock if they wish to, revealing an inner chest and a note from Braindeath; "Don't try that again."

If you lost the Twiback Night Special.
  • Player: Um… cap’n…. I… I lost the Twiblick Night Special.
  • Braindeath: Of course ye did. It wouldn’t be ye without misplacing an irreplaceable, dangerous secret at least once now would it, Player? Fortunately for ye, it were a fake. I knew ye’d lose it.
Captain Braindeath hands you a securely locked chest.
  • Braindeath: Now try very hard not te lose it. Remember ‘The Oath’.
  • Player: How could I ever forget it?
  • Braindeath: Ye have what yer came for, lad. Take it back te Bill Teach. He has the key.

Mos Le'Harmless[edit | edit source]

  • Bill: What is it, lad?
  • Player: I have it! Whatever it is...
  • Bill: Ye have it?
  • Player: Yes.
  • Bill: Hand it here, Player. Ye swore 'The Oath', didn't ye, Player?
  • Player: I did. It was a particularly brutal oath that I don't intend to break.
  • Bill: Good. Then I'll unlock it for ye. ... There. It is done.
  • Chatbox: The Twiblik Night Special is now unlocked...
  • Bill: Open the Twiblik Night Special once ye've mentally prepared yerself. Then come back here.

Open the Twiblik Night Special?

  • Option 1: Not yet.
    Option 2: Yes.
    Really open it? It could scar you forever...
    Option 1: Maybe not...
    Option 2: Yes!
    Really, really open it?
    Option 1: Okay, no.
    Option 2: Just open it already!
  • Player: The moment of truth has arrived.
  • You slowly open the chest...
  • You peer at the contents...
  • Player: What in the world?
  • The chest is full of feminine wigs and various kinds of make-up.
  • Player: I...guess I need to talk to Bill Teach about the plan now, but I'm not sure I want to...
The player talks to Bill Teach
  • Player: So, uh, I opened the Twiblik Night Special...
  • Bill: So I see, lad.
  • Player: I'm a little hesitant to ask, but... Why do you have a secret box full of women's apparel?
  • Bill: What happens at sea, Mr Player, stays at sea. Or did ye forget 'The Oath' already?
  • Player: With an anchor! No, no, I didn't forget! How are we going to use this to get information?
  • Bill: We're goin' te give our friend here a makeover, lad.
  • Player: Come again?
  • Zombie head: Aye, come again?
  • Bill: We're goin' te make ye the prettiest thing te ever sail on several seas...
  • Zombie head: Wait, let's be reasonable about this...
  • Bill: And then we be goin' te parade ye around in front of yer old crew...
  • Zombie head: No! Ye can't!
  • Bill: Well, lad? Would ye do the honours o' choosin' how we beautify our friend here?
  • Player: With pleasure.
  • Bill: Right then, Player. Time to choose how we make our guest here pretty.
  • Zombie head: Y-ye don't scare me!
  • Bill: First off, choose a wig! Shall we give her a bob, a bun, a fringe or pigtails?
    Option 1: A bob!
    Zombie head: No! I don't want te be pretty!
    Option 2: A bun!
    Zombie head: Isn't that a bit middle class fer a zombie?
    Option 3: A fringe!
    Zombie head: No a fringe! It'll itch me forehead an' I cannae scratch it!
    Option 4: Pigtails!
    Zombie head: Pigtails? Do I look like a schoolgirl?
  • Bill: Now on to some colour for those cheeks, but what colour shall we pick, Player?
    Option 1: Pink!
    Zombie head: I like me cheeks as they are: necrotic!
    Option 2: Orange!
    Zombie head: No! I don't want te look fake-tanned!
    Option 3: Purple!
    Zombie head: Purple? Are ye makin' me a non-conformist?
  • Bill: We need to bring out those eyes, but which eyeshadow would go best on our friend here?
    Option 1: Purple!
    Zombie head: Ye'll not stop until I'm wearin' all black an' worshippin' Zamorak, will ye?
    Option 2: Blue!
    Zombie head: But blue eyeshadow won't go with me dead, empty eyes!
    Option 3: Green!
    Zombie head: Green won't be so bad, I guess. I'm already gangrenous.
  • Bill: Now we need to make those lips kissable! Well, lad?
    Option 1: Red!
    Zombie head: But everyone'll think I'm a harlot!
    Option 2: Pink!
    Zombie head: No! A zombie pirate should ne'er be pretty in pink!
    Option 3: Blue!
    Zombie head: I'm dead! Me lips already be blue!
  • Bill: Well, I think that's everything, lad. What say we get started?
  • Player: You're going to be so pretty when we're done, you'll turn heads!
  • Bill: Aye, some stomachs too.
  • Zombie head: Stay back! Leave me be! No... Just no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The player prettifies the Zombie head
  • Zombie head (prettified): Alright! I'll talk, I'll talk!
  • Bill: Right, lad. Time te ask our lady friend here where she comes from, savvy?
  • Player: Tell us what we want to know or you'll get more pampering, you pretty little thing, you!
  • Zombie head: Alright! I hope ye're listenin' well. Ye need to start out sailin' with a relative bearin' of two-hundred-and-twenty-three degrees from Harmony and carry on for five hundred cable lengths.
  • Player: Wait, what?
  • Bill: Don't interrupt him, lad! So, we sail south of here for 50 nautical miles, then what?
  • Zombie head: If ye look east, ye'll see a beacon just within yer arc of visibility. Sail directly toward it for 120 fathoms, then bear starboard hard - and I mean HARD. Ye'll see a rock formation; ye need to be listing on yer beam ends to get yerself under it and find yerself in a lagoon.
  • Bill: Not the lair o' the many-tentacled beast of unpleasant encounters?
  • Zombie head: Aye, the very one. Ye need te sail straight out the other side, then clubhaul starboard as soon as ye hit open water. Sail round the reef, makin' sure ye stick close te land, and ye'll see the island in the distance.
  • Zombie head: That be where ye're aimin'.
  • Bill: Hang on a second, that'd put the factory on Bloodsplatter Isle.
  • Zombie head: Aye, what's yer point?
  • Bill: Bloodsplatter Isle be cardinal south from here! Why didn't ye just say so?
  • Zombie head: I were hopin' ye'd take the long way round and sink on yer way.
  • Bill: Ye be dangerously close te another makeover, petal. I'd watch meself if I were ye.
  • Zombie head: No! Anythin' but that! I'll be straight up with ye from now on, I swear!
  • Player: Um...Bill?
  • Bill: What is it, lad?
  • Player: Do we know where we're sailing to now?
  • Bill: Aye. Cardinal south. We'd have found the place quicker if we'd set sail without asking our hairdresser's practice dummy here fer directions.
  • Zombie head: Hey! Zombie heads are people too, ye know!
  • Player: Then let's hit the waves!
  • Bill: Well, Player, what're ye waitin' for? Meet me aboard the ship. We can talk all ye want when we get where we're goin'. Are ye ready te go, lad?
  • Player: Yes, let's get underway.
  • Bill: Right ye are, Player.

The Adventurous[edit | edit source]

  • Bill: Aha, there ye are, Player. We'll be approaching Bloodsplatter Island soon. I have to tell ya, lad, I'm still hopin' ye're wrong about You-Know-Who bein' involved in all this.
  • Player: What? But the zombie head! He told me himself he's involved!
  • Bill: Aye, so ye say, but he never mentioned that same te me. Don't fret though, Player. We're on our way to investigate and shut down the facility now. If You-Know-Who is really involved, ye'll find the evidence needed to prove it while ye're there, no doubt.
  • Player: So, if I get conclusive evidence of his involvement in all this, will you finally actually do something about it?
  • Bill: Aye, lad. If ye get me somethin' that backs up what our makeover mannequin said about this bein' a planned attack on Mos Le'Harmless, action will be taken, ye can rest assured o' that.
  • Bill: We be approachin' visual distance to the island, Player. Ye'll have yer answers soo-
  • Bill: INCOMING!
The Adventurous is barraged by cannonballs
  • Player: Argh! What's happening?
  • Bill: We be under fire, lad! Hang on te somethin'!
  • Bill: Phew. That were a close call, Player. We're lucky te not be sittin' pretty at the bottom of the sea right now.
  • Player: Where did that attack come from, Bill?
  • Bill: Seems our guide forget[sic] te mention the welcoming party. We were fired on from the island itself.
  • Zombie head: Ye didn't expect them to roll out the red carpet and just let ye sail on in, surely?
  • Bill: Ye really are tryin' my patience, devil. I suggest ye realise the gravity of yer predicament. I'd hate te have te pierce yer ears.
  • Zombie head: Ack!
  • Bill: Nice big gold hoops. They'd look just darlin' on a gal like ye.
  • Zombie head: Alright! I get the picture!
  • Player: How are we ever going to get to the island now? We'll be sunk for sure if we try sailing in.
  • Bill: Aye, that we will. I have a plan though, Player.
  • Player: I knew you'd think of something, cap'n! What is it? Oh, I can't wait to hear this!
  • Bill: Now, afore I go about tellin' ye, ye has te promise te hear it out, all the way to the end, before ye start objectin' and complainin'.
  • Player: I'm...I'm not going to like this, am I?
  • Bill: Depends on how healthy yer sense of adventure is, lad. Now, here's the plan... We can't very well sail on in te dock. As ye've rightly pointed out, because we'd be riddled with holes and sunk before we made it halfway there.
  • Player: Yes, that's true enough.
  • Bill: We also have limited resources on this ship. All we have te hand is cannons and cannonballs, gunpowder, some crates and barrels and some chains. Now, I've a plan involving these objects that ends up with ye on the island.
  • Player: Go on...
  • Bill: What ye'll need te do is use some o' the gunpowder to flash-heat a chain and smith it to a cannonball. There be a hammer an' anvil in the hold along wi' plenty of powder, cannonballs and chains. Then ye need te attach the other end of the chain te one of the empty barrels.
  • Player: And then?
  • Bill: And then, ye sit on the barrel an' ye put the cannonball in the cannon wi' a double dose o' powder...then fire yerself te the island on it.
  • Player: ...
  • Bill: Well, lad?
  • Player: You want me to make a cannonball barrel-boat, sit on the barrel, and then fire it across the sea to the island using a cannon.
  • Bill: Aye, that's about the size of it, lad.
    • Player: Are you quite mad?
      • Bill: Nay, lad, I'm COMPLETELY mad. Bein' at sea with ye has done that to me. But regardless o' me mental state, this needs to be done. There be no other way.
    • Player: But won't that really, really hurt?
      • Bill: What're ye askin' me for? Ye think I've done anythin' like this ever before? Ye'll be a pioneer, lad. And anyhoo, there's no other way to the island, so it's got te happen.
    • Player: Awesome! I'll get right on it!
      • Bill: That's what I like about ye, lad. Ye're always enthusiastic, and ye're daft as a box o' frogs.
      • Player: Thanks! Wait... Aw.
    • Player: Here's an idea: YOU do it!
      • Bill: Nice ship ye're on, isn't it, Player?
      • Player: Um, yes?
      • Bill: Remind me again whose ship it is?
      • Player: Um, yours, cap'n?
      • Bill: Do ye want te swim home?
      • Player: No, cap'n.
      • Bill: So then, who's makin' the cannonball barrel-boat and bein' shot to the island?
      • Player: Me, cap'n...
      • Bill: I'm glad that's settled.
    • Player: Can you remind me how I’m supposed to be doing this?
      • Bill: What ye'll need te do is use some o' the gunpowder to flash-heat a chain and smith it to a cannonball. There be a hammer an' anvil in the hold along wi' plenty of powder, cannonballs and chains. Then ye need te attach the other end of the chain te one of the empty barrels.
      • Player: And then?
      • Bill: Then come up here and load the cannonball into the cannon, and you’re ready fer yer little trip.
      • Player: At least there’s method to this madness…
Player makes cannonball barrel-boat.
  • Chatbox: You have created a cannonball barrel-boat!
  • Player: Sweet.
  • Player: I have prepared the cannonball barrel-boat for travel to the island.

Bill: Well, lad, all ye need te do now is load two doese o' gunpowder, grab the barrel, fire the cannon and hold on fer dear life.

  • Player: What should I do when I land on the island?
  • Bill: Well, assumin' ye're still ali-, er, awake, if ye can knock out the guns on the beach that be firin' at us, that'd be a good start. Means I'd be safe te drop ye off and pick ye up with the ship from now on instead o' this cannon malarkey or ye swimmin' back.
  • Player: Swimming back?
  • Bill: Well, I cannae exactly sail in an' pick ye up. We're goin' through all this effort te avoid me ship gettin' riddled wi' holes, in case ye didn't remember. If ye need te get back te the ship before the guns are disabled, ye'll be swimmin', lad.
  • Player: Oh, yeah... Are you even sure this will work?
  • Bill: No, but that's what makes it so excitin' fer me!
  • Player: It's what makes it so terrifying for me... This is going to be fun!
  • Bill: Aye, it almost certainly will be, lad. Fer me, at least.
  • Player takes the ride.
  • Player: Well, here goes...
  • Player: AAAAAAAAAAH!
  • Player: Oof!

Bloodsplatter Isle[edit | edit source]

Player investigates perch rock
  • Player: What's this?
  • Seagull: Squawk. Squaw squawk... (What indeed, Player. Don't tell me you've forgotten...) Squaw squaw squawk. (I certainly haven't.)
  • Player: Uh... Do I know you?
  • Seagull: Squawk squaw. Squaw squark squawk? (Player, you wound me. How could you forget the devastation you inflicted?)
  • Player: It's still escaping me, I'm afraid.
  • Seagull: Squawk squaw squawk. (I kept your shirt, you know.)
  • Player: What?
  • Seagull: Squawk squaw squaw squawk. (And the accordion too.)
  • Player: No! It can't be! The seagull from The Rock that I fired at Young Ralph's head!
  • Seagull: Squaw squaw, squawk squawk! (Very good, Player. Tremble before me, for I am Baron von Hattenkrapper!)
  • Player: So... What are you doing here?
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk. Squaw squawk. (I had come here after hearing you were on your way, to wreak my revenge on you for firing me out of that makeshift vacuum pump.) Squaw! Squawk squaw squawk, squaw? (But then: shock! I watched with my beady eyes as you strapped yourself to a cannonball and fired yourself across the ocean! That's the only reason I haven't already unleashed havoc and devastation upon you, Player. I want to know why you would inflict such a thing upon yourself. Is this your way to atone?)
  • Player: Uh... Yes! I'm so deeply sorry!
    • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (How...unexpected. Well, Player, I accept your gesture. Consider us even from now on. We have more pressing matters than an old grudge to contend with. Now, I have a proposal for you...)
  • Player: No, it was just my ride in.
    • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (Hmph. A pity. Well, regardless of your motivations, after seeing you launched through the air as you did to me, I feel the score is settled. Circumstances dictate that I must put the grudge to rest anyway. Consider us even, Player. Now, I have a proposal for you...)
  • Player: So, what's the nature of this proposal you mentioned?
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (Ah, yes, to business. Well, Player, you and I have a common enemy, and I propose we work together to defeat it.)
  • Player: What do you mean?
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (I refer to the lumbering monstrosities that opened fire on your ship as it tried to approach the island, of course.)
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (They have also been firing upon me each time I attempt to leave the island. I am restricted to flying around within the watery confines of this island prison.) Squawk, squaw squawk. (We both have something to gain here, Player. I propose we collaborate and conquer.)
  • Player: But how can we beat them?
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (I am a very strong flier, Player. I can lift heavy objects. Say, cannonballs, from that pile over there. However, it takes all of my concentration to do so.) Squawk, squaw squawk. (You are a summoner of considerable skill. I propose you commune with me and control my actions to allow me to rain devastation from the sky and obliterate our enemies!) Squawk, squaw squawk. (So, Player? Are you ready to rain destruction on our foes?)
  • Player: I'm ready to begin.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (Then begin we shall. Let my enemies duck and cover, for I am Baron von Hattenkrapper!)
Baron von Hattenkrapper bombed all Barrelchest Mark II
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (I must admit, Player, we make a good team. Perhaps it is wiser to have you as an ally than an enemy.)
  • Player: I've been thinking the same. I'd be flinching and avoiding imaginary cannonballs every time I head a 'squark' otherwise.
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (Shouldn't you return to your ship? Your companion will be able to dock now the port is undefended.)
  • Player: I was just about to, actually. Before you suggested it!
  • Baron von Hattenkrapper: Squawk, squaw squawk. (Of course, Player. Of course.)
Player swims back to The Adventurous
  • Bill: Ye're back, lad. How are ye gettin' along disablin' those guns?
  • Player: The guns are disabled, cap'n. It's safe to approach the island.
  • Bill: That's good te hear, Player. How did ye go about it in the end?
  • Player: Well, the 'guns' turned out to be barrelchests patrolling the beach with their cannon-arms.I couldn't get close or I'd have been splatted by their anchors, so I telepathically communed with a seagull, the nefarious Baron von Hattenkrapper, and controlled him to drop cannonballs on them.
  • Bill: ... Just fer once, couldn't it have been somethin' normal? Like smashin' 'em with a big hammer? Ah, well. It's good news nonetheless. Want me te drop ye off, lad? Ye can start yer investigatin' now.
  • Player: Can you take me to Bloodsplatter Isle?
  • Bill: Aye, Player. I'll drop ye off. Signal me from the dock if ye want picking up.
Getting caught
  • General Malpractitioner: Aha! Found ye!
  • Player: Argh... Sleepy...
Reporting back to Bill

Player: Cap'n...I've a problem.

  • Bill: Well done fer finally admittin' it, lad. That's half the battle.
  • Player: What? No, I mean there's a problem with the investigation. The complex is heavily guarded by zombie surgeons using precision-thrown sedatives - I can't get inside.
  • Bill: That certainly is a problem, lad. Couldn't ye get in at all?
  • Player: There's a storage area just inside the complex I can access. It had a bunch of medical supplies, and what looked like a dismantled barrelchest on a shelf.
  • Bill: That gives me an idea, lad. Ye could walk freely around the complex if ye looked like one o' them, I'd wager. Ye're goin' te need parts for yer disguise. Go and grab a roll of bandage, a surgical mask and a bundle of parts from the storeroom, then grab a barrel from me hold. Once ye've got all that, come see me, and we'll build ye a disguise!
  • Player: Aye, cap'n!
Player gathered all parts for the disguise
  • Player: I've gathered the things you asked for.
  • Bill: Good work, lad. Let's knuckle down and build ye a disguise then, shall we?
  • Player: Aye, cap'n!
  • Bill: Right, take that there thingummy and jam it on that hoozit... And now fer the finishing touch...there! We're done, Player.
Bill hands you the completed barrelchest disguise!
  • Player: Wait...what's that on top?
  • Zombie head: Mmmmff! Mm mmff mffmffmm!
  • Player: ...
  • Bill: That be our pretty little friend, lad! Finishes the disguise nicely, don't ye agree? And she'll keep her mouth shut too - I stuffed it wi' bandage and stuck that mask on te make sure o'that.
  • Player: Well, I guess it's time I take her out for a spin.
  • Bill: Aye. Ye should be able to wander about inside the facility freely now, so get back in there and get investigatin'.
Player puts on the disguise.
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Now that I'm disguised I should hunt for incriminating evidence...

South west room[edit | edit source]

The player distracts dis-orderly
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Ye be needed elsewhere, down the hall.
  • Dis-orderly: Oh, aye? Needed by who? And where be the shift change papers?
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Err... Never mind, I uh, mistook ye fer someone else.
  • Dis-orderly: Then leave me be and get back to yer post!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): I think I'm going to need another way to distract his attention...
The player sabotages the laughing gas canister and tells joke to Dis-orderly
  • Player (Zombie chathead): So, three pirates walk into a b-ARR!
  • Dis-orderly: Harr-harr-harr-harr!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Ey, I cleaned the hull o' me boat this mornin'. It were covered in b-ARR-nacles!
  • Dis-orderly: Harr-harr harr-harr!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Your mum's fat.
  • Dis-orderly: I know she is! She be like an undead house! Harr-harr!
The player brutalized all dis-orderlies
  • Player (Zombie chathead): That's all of the guards in this room. I should be free to investigate now.

West room[edit | edit source]

  • Player killed all grimterns.
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Phew. That's the last of them. Now I need to investigate that noticeboard.

North west room[edit | edit source]

Talk-to Occupied surgery bed
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Arr, ye be needed... Uh, excuse me...
  • Drunk zombie: Thar beee *hic!* 'ruuum' in me tuuum...
  • The pirate is totally out of his tree on 'rum'. He won't be any trouble.

North east room[edit | edit source]

Loosening the straps
  • Using all your available stealth and cunning, you covertly sabotage the harness.
  • The player smashes the harness with their anchor
  • I did say all your AVAILABLE stealth and cunning.
  • Player loosened straps for all massive arms.
  • Player (Zombie chathead): That's all of them. I should stand back; this could get messy...
  • Residead: Arr, it be time, lads. Let's get started on this latest batch.
  • Residead: Aye, boss!
  • Residead: Aye!
  • All three Residead's: Making the first incision...
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Ouch, that looked painful!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): How is that even possible?
  • Player (Zombie chathead): That's not meant to bend like that!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): My eyes!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Please make it stop!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Is it over?
  • Player (Zombie chathead): I think it's 'safe' to investigate now...

South east room[edit | edit source]

  • Player talks to attendead.
  • Attendead: Arr, there ye are at last! Gimme a hand liftin' the barrels on te the beds so I can finish yer new brothers here!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Er, I mean, arr! Just a minute, matey!
  • Player (Zombie chathead): Hmm... I smell an opportunity for sabotage. I could make these barrelchests come in and go out with a bang!
  • Filling a powder with gunpowder
  • I should rig all of the barrelchests to blow first. Make sure the chain reaction hits the surgeon wherever in the room he is.
  • Player missing the gunpowder-filled barrels
  • Player (Zombie chathead): I'll need something barrel-like to finish this with the bang it deserves.
  • Trying to detonate a rigged barrelchest without rigging all of them
  • Player (Zombie chathead):
  • After having placed one gunpowder-filled barrel, but only normal barrels remaining
  • Player (Zombie chathead): I don't want to help make more barrelchests! I need to sabotage this somehow...preferably explosively.
  • Player finished making rigged barrelchest.
  • Player (Zombie chathead): That's the room rigged. Just need to set one of them off now... My disguise should shield me from most of it.
The player has collected enough evidence
  • Player (Zombie chathead): I think this is enough evidence. I should go back to Bill Teach.
  • Player report back to Bill.
  • Player: I've performed some heavy sabotage on the facility and accrued a lot of evidence pointing to the involvement of Rabid Jack, and backing up the story about the attack on Mos'Le Harmless.
  • Bill: Let's see it then, lad.
  • Chatbox: You hand Bill the file and he skims through it.
  • Chatbox: He finishes reading, and hands it back.
  • Bill: This is grave news indeed, lad. Ye need te go an' finish the job afore it's too late. Ye shouldn't need te wear that barrelchest disguise inside any more, Player. Ye've wiped out all the guards now. I'll keep it wi' me in case we need it in future.
  • Player: Alright, cap'n. Time to finish in their house what they started in mine...
  • Bill: Here, Player. Take these, and level that production line!
  • Chatbox: Bill Teach hands you a stash of powder kegs.
  • Player: Aye, cap'n!
  • Player is about to pull lever.
  • Player: If I turn this machine on the conveyor belts will start, and I should be able to send explosive kegs along them into the machinery. Any nearby guards will hear me...
The player chases Mi-gor and Mechanical Murphy
  • Player: Hold it right there, evildoers!
  • Mi-Gor: Ye'll never stop us now, Player!
  • Murphy: Say hello to our secret weapons!
  • Mi-Gor: Our zomboat armada will lay waste to Mos Le' Harmless! Bon voyage!
  • Murphy: Bon voyage!
  • Player: Come back here!
  • Player: I need to catch them somehow!
  • Player: Hmmmm!
The player sinks the zomboat fleet
  • Player: Phew. I think I stopped them all. Time I sailed back to The Adventurous to talk to Bill.
The player goes back to The Adventurous
  • Player: Weigh anchor! TOOT TOOT!
  • Bill: I saw the battle from here, Player. Good sailing.
  • Player: Thanks, cap'n.
  • Bill: Come on, lad. We cannae do any more damage around here. Let's sail back te Mos Le'Harmless an' meet in Joe's basement. Joe's is in northern Mos Le'Harmless.
The player meet Bill at Joe's basement
  • Bill: Well, lad, ye did it. Ye stopped the attack on Mos Le'Harmless, an' ye've proved te me that You-Know-Who is back. I had hoped this day would never come...
  • Player: Well, it has, cap'n, and we need to do something about it. What should we do next?
  • Bill: It be time te prepare now, Player - te prepare fer war! I need time to make the necessary arrangements and gather the captains together. Without Gentleman Mallard, the council will be needin' a new head. I guess it's up te me, since it's only me ye've shown that You-Know-Who has returned. Thanks fer that, lad. Guess I should get started.
  • Player: What became of our pretty little friend?
  • Bill: I've kept her in custody, Player, along wi' yer disguise. We may just need it again one day.
  • Player: What do you need me to do, cap'n?
  • Bill: Ye've done more than enough fer now, [player name]. Ye train yerself up and prepare. When the time comes, I'll contact ye. Fer now, ye just enjoy yer victory.