The Massacrer of Moles

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The Massacrer of Moles is a book obtained while skilling at the Croesus Front nodes.

Finding and reading this book as well as A Life in Colour, Kings and Queens, and The Great Beast completes the achievement Heroes of the Graveyard which is a requirement for the master quest cape.

Book info[edit | edit source]

Transcript[edit | edit source]

The following text is transcluded from Transcript:The Massacrer of Moles.

The Massacrer of Moles

If you're reading this, I want you to know one thing. I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to be called a hero and I never wanted my legacy to be one of death and slaughter. I am here because everyone else is an idiot, and only I had enough common sense to solve the problem caused by everyone else's stupidity. I'm writing these words because no one will listen to me. Everyone insists on calling me a great warrior and master tactician, but I'm none of those things. I'm a miner.

Call me boring if you want, but there's nothing I like more than smashing a rock to pieces with my pickaxe. To see the stone shatter and to see the glistening promise of ore beneath. There's no complexity to it. No politics. It's just hit rock, get ore, rinse and repeat. Everyone else wants that simplicity but is too plain stupid to accept it when they see it. We all want a nice easy life, but they all think you get that from sinister sorcery or pious contemplation. No - all you have to do is to find something you enjoy doing and keep doing it. Hit rock, get ore. Hit rock, get ore. No surprises. No mad panic about competing with everyone else. Just hit rock, get ore. That's all I ever wanted.

I could have had that too. I really could. But unfortunately the rest of the world is filled with an endless supply of idiots who have to make everything more complicated for themselves. It's all about moles. Moles are little miners like me, I get moles, I understand them. They dig for the love of digging. They don't care so much about ore, but they dig for the worms. Dig hole, get worm. Rinse and repeat. Moles got it right, you see. Not everyone likes that, though. All the little tunnels that they're digging, that can cause some real issues with other tunnels. Get enough of them and it can damage a building's foundations. But that's true of just about anything if you think about it.

The problem with moles is that they only start off small. When you start to see a lot of moles, you know the giant ones aren't far behind. How did we get giant moles you ask? Well it's all thanks again to idiots doing things they shouldn't have. In this case it was bloody alchemists and their cheating-farm potions. They sped up agriculture, but created monsters and the city applauded them for the former and ignored the latter. Which is why I knew how stupid the Empire was when they decided to exterminate the moles. I get it, I do, the moles were causing lots of damage to the city. They were damaging crops and infrastructure and that's expensive. But the problem is that the city only thinks of one way to deal with its problems, which is to say it relies on force. I told them, of course, that exterminating the moles was only going to lead to bigger problems down the line. Hit rock, get ore. Hit little moles, get bigger moles. Hit LOTS of little moles, get LOTS of bigger moles. They didn't listen to me of course. After all I'm just a miner and an expert in this field of knowledge. But they were city officials, so they obviously knew more by dint of some divine mandate or other such nonsense.

But there were no attacks, nor reports of giant moles. I thought perhaps I might be wrong, that my knowledge of the little mining moles was flawed.

Then came the request.

The city wanted to expand the Cathedral. No mean feat for such an impressive building, and it required the acquisition of rare and valuable gemstones. Naturally, of course, they came to me. When the Empire needs something mining, that's where I come in. Hit rock, get ore. Hit gemstone rock, get gemstone. And there's only one place where gemstones of this quality could be found - the old mines to the north of the city. My crew and I picked up our picks, grabbed our carts and made our way there.

When we arrived, there was something odd about the mines, a quality to the air that made us all on edge. As we approached the lip of the mine a deep growling sound echoed around us and my crew froze in fear. I couldn't leave without those gemstones, so I edged closer and closer into the mines and raised my lantern high above me. That's when I saw them. Great angry eyes set above great angry teeth - and hundreds of them. I was right about the giant moles after all. Rather than swarm indiscriminately, they all gathered here, waiting.

I hurried everyone out and sent warning to the city. This many giant moles could devastate the Capital. My crewmate returned with the head of the military and a small group of scouts - hardly enough for a head-on fight. The Legatus wouldn't listen, of course. He strode into the cave, only to come running out looking like a panicked goat. He screamed for the entire military to be summoned, like an imbecile, and I couldn't take it any longer. The military would be slaughtered in those tunnels and the city would be left defenceless. But I knew what we needed to do. I sent my men to key points around the mine. I'm an expert in mining, I live it, breathe it, love it. So I know what you need to do to turn a mine against you. I covered myself in mud to disguise my smell and I went deep into the tunnels and found the central support. Mines, like people, can come crashing down with just one well placed swing of a pick and I swung. As the supports began to buckle and the tunnels began to scream, I ran to the entrance yelling at my men to swing - and swing hard. As the moles chased behind me, my men swung - and the entire mine collapsed like one of Mrs Potterington's terrible apple crumbles. I only just made it out before the tunnels were completely destroyed. Nothing could survive that. I did not want to do it, but what choice did I have?

And how did the city repay me for this? They branded me the 'Massacrer of Moles' as if that was a compliment. Forever labelling me with a title that had nothing to do with my skills, nor passions, but a single desperate act brought on by THEIR stupidity. Then they made a statue of me out in the hero section of the graveyard. A constant glaring reminder of my own mortality, right there, for all to see and remember.

So, that's nice. By which I mean I hate everyone in this whole Empire.

I should have stuck with just mining. Hit rock, get ore. Why isn't everything so simple?

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