Super Monkey Bauble

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Super Monkey Bauble is the fourty-eighth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Super Monkey Bauble.
This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 23 December 2013.

It's Chriiiistmas! Which can only mean a Festive Postbag, full of Yuletide greetings and the occasional telling off from a god!

Dear Santa,

I know I've been a little excessive on the chaos lately, but it's only because Zamorak is my lord and master. Does that mean I'm doomed to suffer on the naughty list?


Dear Zemu,

Ho ho ho. Chaos itself isn't inherently bad, as long as you're doing it with good intentions. If you're causing a bit of chaos so that people no longer feel bored during the winter seasons, then you'll be fine. If you're just mass murdering hundreds of innocent people, well I'm afraid it's coal for you.


Dear Lord Zaros,How will you be spending Christmas, being in Freneskae and all? Will you be decorating the tree with some Mahjarrat? Feasting on some roasted Muspah? How about carrolling with the Freneskae Creator God?

Merry Christmas!!!

(Postie Pete - I'm still not convinced that Zaros exists or existed. Whenever I try to steal into Senntisten to get a letter to the Big Z, Azzanadra spots me and posts me away in a parcel. Still, this time, I was posted with an official statement from Azzy himself)

Dear Domanater45,

Please stop sending missives to Zaros, Christmas or no Christmas. While it's reassuring to know that Zaros is in your thoughts, we need to remain focused. The postman you send is a little too insistent, and it can be time-consuming to intercept his attempts to get past us.

In an effort to stop communications, please pass this on to other Zarosian followers. It should give you warmth over the winter months. You may count this as an official statement, but be wise not to let it fall into disbelievers' hands.

"This coming year will be different from those that came before. Few will notice the change, and even fewer will perpetuate it. The change will bypass the pretender gods, but will permeate to the anima mundi of this world. Be reassured that the change will be of benefit to all but the tyrants, who will be brought low by its imperceptible impact.

That change will come in the next year, and that change will be My Master. If you are like me, you will embrace the change fully."


Dear King Awowogei,

How do you celebrate the winter season on Ape Atoll? Here on Karamja we monkeys are a bit disorganized and don't have any official celebrations. I figured a leader as wise and as organized as yourself would have some way of lifting your citizens spirits during the festivities of Christmas. I hope that some of your customs we might try this year to make the holidays a bit brighter here on Karamja. Thank you for your time.


Christmas chestbeatings to ya!

Every Christmas, we gather round Listmaker Loris's tree as she lists the Top 25 Things to Do With a Banana, the Top 25 Silliest Faces. That sort of thing. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a countdown to argue over. Loris recently revealed the 'Top 25 Christmas Customs' - I'll list the top three for you.

Number 1: Monkey Baubles

Marimbo loves a good paunch. So, to celebrate Marimbo's bounty at Christmas, we travel to the banana trees and watch the roundest of all Ape Atoll monkeys get rolled around as they attempt to eat as many bananas as they can. Whichever monkey eats the most bananas is given a fantastic gift from the King himself: a crate full of more bananas!

Number 2: Secret Monkey

Every year, one monkey is designated as Secret Monkey. They have to buy everyone a single present, and leave it in each monkey's stocking without them noticing. If the Secret Monkey is spotted, the Secret Monkey gets hit with a stick. If the receiver doesn't like the present, the Secret Monkey gets hit with a stick. If the present is worth more or less than five coconuts, the Secret Monkey gets hit with a stick.

Number 3? Oh, it's a human one, actually. We commend you on your splendid 'Santa Claus' custom. What's not to like about a large monkey that climbs on top of a building, shimmies down their stone tree-trunk and eats their food? Marimbo commends this.

King of all Simians,

King Awowogei

This one is to you the ever working so very hard Postie Pete.

I wasn't entirely sure if you got Christmas mail but I decided that you should get one because I mean, everybody should get at least something for Christmas and you deserve it for always handing our mail to us as well as the many people among Gilendor. Yes its true that you are just a head, many of us seen you and when I was much younger, it just seemed magical. (heh yea I was just a wee girl playing with my fathers leather armour, always so warm during this fridged season)

Wish you have a fantastic Christmas and a warm and cozy New Year you magical skull you.

I do hope that you have more people wishing you Merry Christmas and a Magical New Year.


Dear Kairi1987,

It really warms the eye sockets to get letters like this! I won't lie to you - some Christmases, it can be hard to roll out of bed when you know that you've got a bagful of cards to drag to the eleven corners of the world. But you've made it worthwhile, Kairi1987. If I could give you a festive high-five I would! A festive headbutt doesn't sound quite as appealing.

You're right about getting cards, though. The postman doesn't always get cards, well-wishes or festive thanks. But, you know what? It doesn't matter. We get to see countless happy faces and cheery children. There's something magical about delivering a Christmas parcel to someone who wasn't expecting it. The look of surprise, the shaking of the box, the manic ripping and then the wonder. Unbeatable.

If you really want to surprise your postie, though, then give them something. Whether it's some Christmas cheer, a mince pie or a hearty thanks, they'll be warmed in the cockles. Wherever that is.

Postie Pete

Bandos and Armadyl, have you not realised the time of year?

Have you not heard the jingle of the sleigh bells on the wind? Can you not feel the cold chill that blows from the North? Can you not see the snow that has settled around the world? Have you both got so caught up in your lust for power that you have forgotten what time of year it is? You seem to demand that people come and fight for you, and aid you in battle… but is it not the time of year when you should forget your problems, put down your weapons… take down your towers and just hug it all out?

Bandos, I mean look at you. You're a big scary monster. All you want is war - and I'm sure that you will get that… but not now. Don't wreak havoc for the citizens of Gielinor on Christmas day! I look up at you Bandos, sat on that tower… waiting, watching and I see in your eyes that you only want war because you feel you can't do anything else. As the Big High War God, I ask for you to call for peace… we the citizens and your soldiers call for peace. At least for one day. It's Christmas after all.

Armadyl, you call yourself the God of Justice? Is this Just? Fighting on a day that is meant to bring us all peace and goodwill? "Merry Chirstmas!" they say - but how can we have a "Merry Christmas" as we watch our friends fall for you? Justice isn't just if this is what you want. Think about your people, your loyal followers - what do they want? They want to spend time with their families, sipping mulled wine by the fire. But you tell them to fight, to die for you…

War is over, but that is if you want it. (Yes Bandos, I know even you want war to be over sometimes.)

I wish you both a very merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year…

But please, put down your weapons on Christmas Day, and let there be no more blood shed, no more drums of war.

Just good old skilling, and gnome ball between you both… and let there be Peace forever more as we enter a new year of this new age.


P.S. Bandos, go on - give Armadyl that cuddle you've wanted to give him for so long. ;)


I, Bandos, the Big High War God, give you this message:

Cease your prattling of sleigh bells and snow! Before my return you may have celebrated this "Christmas", but now that I rule from my mighty tower, you are to celebrate the correct festivals. Since you have been without my guidance and do not know of the proper festivals, I will graciously list them here:

  • Victory in Gu'Tanoth Day (Rintra 15th)
  • Mandatory Annual Axe-Fighting Tournament (Bennath 3rd)
  • Festival of the Fire-Raining Weapons (Fentuary 30th)
  • Death of the Weak Week (First week of Septober)
  • Celebration of the Destruction of the Dorgeshuun (date unknown, but preparations are to begin now)
  • Bandos Is Great Day (Moevyng 34th, Pentember 8th, Novtumber 11-14, and whenever I need cheering up)

As you see, there is no space in the calendar for this "Christmas." It is a misguided festival: there is no time of year to put down weapons and take down fortifications! I, Bandos, the Big High War God, decree that anyone caught celebrating Christmas should be put to the sword! Christmas trees must be burned, crackers stomped upon!




One of my scouts clutched the letter from the hand of Bandos's scribe, and I will attempt to give you a more reasoned reply.

Your plea for peace tugs at my heart. How I wish that this day of Christmas could be one of peace and goodwill! I wish, indeed, that it could be Christmas every day.

It is indeed unjust that the fair world of Gielinor should be scarred by war this Christmas season, but still more unjust would it be if the ravagers of Bandos went unopposed. Therefore we must do battle this Christmas, so that next Christmas can be peaceful.

Even in a time of war, however, we must think of things other than violence. Although the battle lines must always be manned, each of my soldiers should find time to celebrate Christmas with their loved ones according to their own sacred traditions. Let it be a reminder of the better world for which we fight.

As is customary, I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year,




One of my goblins has intercepted the letter from the Aviansie who was delivering it to your 'Postie Pete'. The scout has served me well, and will receive one half-day's respite from the fighting. Never let it be said that Bandos is not merciful!

Since the letter was snatched from me I have ordered my slaves to tell me more about Christmas, and I have decided to allow some of its traditions to continue. Many of you roast a great bird on Christmas day - and what better way to celebrate my imminent victory over Armadyl? The giving of presents will also continue, although rather than giving presents to one another you will in future give them only to me. The decorating of a great tree may also continue, but the tree must be decorated with the body parts of my enemies.

All talk of Christmas as a season of peace and goodwill must cease, however! To remind you of this, I therefore declare that the name of the season should be changed to something that reminds you of the glory of battle.

Merry Fightsmas, and a violent new year!


Dear Evil Dave

Have an Evil Christmas! Hope you are doing well. My hellcat is growing way too fast for its own good. Is there ... like, an anti-growth stew I could give it, or something? I don't want to keep the poor thing locked up in my bank all day...

Also what do you think of Sliske? I think he sucks. You know? Killing guthix and everything... that is SOO not evil. We should do something about him, something evil.

I couldn't send you a present per se (I'm kinda broke and you would not BELIEVE the shipping costs..) but I've asked Peter to buy you some dark chocolate from the Depths of HELL, I think you'll like it

Sent from my War Tortoise

p.s tell your mum I said hi

Merry Christmas!

How DELICIOUSLY EVIL to have sent your letter anonymously! You can guarantee I will do the same. It makes me feel like we're in some SINISTER TEMPLAR CULT where we hang about in robes, eat dark chocolates and decide huge, world-changing things, like a NEW METRIC SYSTEM.

As you can imagine, this Christmas is a big one for me! The return of the gods means there are important people to impress. I have written five Christmas cards to Zamorak alone, wishing him Yuletide greetings and detailing how BLADDER-SQUEEZINGLY EVIL I am (I also enclosed a CV in case there was secretarial work available).

As for Sliske, I'm not entirely sure who that is, but he sounds EVIL. I can imagine saying it like a snake. SLISSSSSS-KAY. Do you have an address? I still have some smaller Christmas cards left over, so I might send him one with a CV.



P.S. My mum has enclosed a cake. She was so excited that she entered a fit of baking.

P.P.S. I forgot that you asked about your hellcat. Consider making your catflap smaller. If your cat can't get to the food, then she will probably lose some weight. On second thoughts, that's TOO EVIL, even for me - golly, I feel a little nauseous now.

Dear Garlandia

It's nice to finally meet a friendly Icyene who is not obsessed with war. I know you are far from home, but I have a few questions I'd like to ask. Being migratory, do you celebrate a yearly festival like we do? What are you going to be doing during Gielinor's Christmas season? And why is your homeworld called New Domina? I hope you can answer those questions, but in any case I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

All the best,


Seasons greetings,

It's lovely to receive a letter like yours at Christmas, Solanumtinkr. Though the gods rampage about your world like children in snow, you're still jolly with thoughts of Christmas. I can only imagine how much goodwill you had in your stomachs before Saradomin and the other gods returned.

You will be surprised to hear that we have Christmas on New Domina. I can only conclude that Saradomin brought it with him, along with so many other things: warfaring, governance, knowledge of other worlds... Still, I won't let that ruin it. When I think of Christmas, I hear trumpets, remember the strafing of warrior icyene, smell the baking of fruitbreads. Christmas, you see, was when the icyene migration would return to the island where I had my wings severed. Christmas kept me going in those cool, dark months, and my heart would leap when the first icyene emerged over the horizon.

You asked about New Domina. I believe it was named after a human world or city. Saradomin brought that name with him too. Saradomin giveth - that is true - but I am proof that he never neglects to taketh away.

Anyway, enough spite for one letter. The grace of flight be with you, and may the New Year deliver you unexpected joys.