Sawdust, Wallbeasts and Kebabs!

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Sawdust, Wallbeasts and Kebabs! is the nineth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Sawdust, Wallbeasts and Kebabs!.
This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 1 August 2006.

Hello and welcome to the July edition of the Postbag! This month we once again listen to the random ramblings of the Chaos Elemental and try to decipher something vaguely useful from it. We also ask some rather probing questions regarding someone whose name I’d rather not mention, look at shop adverts, discuss Bob with the smiley face and even question the existence of sawdust.

Dear Gravingas,

First off, let me express my deepest admiration for you and your life's work, complaining. I myself am known as a masterful complainer, one for the ages. We would be good friends. What I wish to inquire, though, is how is it possible that you are the only ghost in all of the Runescape universe that can speak English? When you are protesting, you are clearly speaking in English, but when I approach you to discuss your views on contemporary politics, you seem unable to comunicate with me unless I am wearing a ghost-speak amulet. Does your complaining truly transcend the laws of nature?!?! Also, I'm outraged at the price of kebabs these days! Can I get an amen?

PS - I think your ghostly robes are a little revealing, if you know what I mean

Sincerely your fan (and equal), Aeacus 1

Dear Aeacus 1,

Sadly, my invisible amulet of humanspeak was enchanted by one of Ali M’s mages, hence the enchantment only ever lasts for woo woo woo wo. Woo? Wooo!!!!!


Dear wallbeast,

it appears you occasionally grab players heads with your hand. why do you do this? even if the player dies, you still don't seem to eat it, do you do this for enjoyment? why do you grab the head? do you enjoy devouring hair? why not grab them by the arm? please have mercy on our favorite postman, postie pete, i'm sure he's bald (i've always imagined him) could you give us a picture of you're whole body? instead of that annoying little claw that continuously leaves claw marks in my skull. i've always seemed to imagine you as some sort of super-goblin (kinda like the Hulk). until i get a reply


P.S. i can understand you attacking postie pete now, he must have a mustache!
Wall beast full body.jpg
Dear Chaos Elemental,

The Bubbles? The Bubbles! WHEEEE! For long is the Aardvark of my hair. No you can't have it! Here you go. So the bear told me bad dad was a tree. Arrr! Hit that cheese with a hammer! Forsooth my pie has fled! Wiggy wiggy wiggy woo. Red! Green! Red! Green! Red! Green! Pink! Mr. Molar won't like that very much. I disagree that square is clearly a circle. I feel like a salad. There is only so much rune essence I can force under my toenails. I can fit more between my ears! Torment my pickles no longer! Socks go on your feet. Please leave a shriek after the message. There was a duckling so I shot him with a Multi-cannon. Abysmal Abyssal, he should seek therapy. Quack! Cluck! Moo!

Ziggy! zoom!,


Dear Narilyte,

In my house, cup of tea? Angry bow gets boost, she is reborn, the chosen one! Bubbles to my new home, flaky scalp. Cheese pie, mmmm. Triangle? Pyramid! ; PK me mum! Lunar eclipse brings us closer to them. The museum will close in 10 minutes, please make your way to the nearest age. Helping hand please. Illusion long dead, is they? Ferrets will find them. Hidden in the tree they were. Blue egg rises. Shhhh. Vyre warning, take a bite. Helm must be rejoined when the Gypsy gets a makeover. Hum uncle us. Mamma Mia, that’s a big basket! Mallum 12, Witchaven 0. For Shiver my quiver. Watching, forever watching the bones of the past. They will come for my bride! Bah bah barby have you any null? Stuff the chicken, stick the chompy. Comfy magnets. Yes mate yes mate 10 waves full. One for the ranger, one's never enough, and 2 for the little boy who collected all the stuff. Have you seen my arm?

dear bob, (of bob's axes)

why can't i just use a herring to chop down a tree?

-signed wildehunter

Dear wildehunter,

It can’t be done... Unless it’s a red one.

Bob (Ni)

Colonel Thormen reporting to General Azzanadra,

My recent adventures through the sole land still remembering the Lord, i.e. the Desert, have brought some interesting results. After freeing you from that terrible much too small prison those traitors wrestled you in, I have spoken to some ghosts. After finding out these were the foul mud crawlers that, like inferior slaves, brought that snake of a Zamorak the Staff of Armadyl, only my immortal loyalty to the Lord kept me from turning around and leaving these heretics in their righteous punishment. This disgust made however that I couldn't remember everything afterwards. I would like to ask you to clear some things up.
I know, so far, that Zaros has been proud ruler of your race the Mahjarrat. One of the ghosts told me, however, that a god named Icthlarin was a ruler of the Mahjarrat as well, and that your sunken brother Zamorak stole it from him. Now, this would mean that either Zamorak stole the rule over your race from Icthlarin, and gave it to Zaros, or it would mean that Icthlarin is our Lord!
Now, the first possibility doesn't seem likely to me, as I know that Zamorak was a shameless thieve, and wouldn't have handed the Mahjarrat over to the Lord. It seems most likely to me that Icthlarin is indeed Zaros. Could you, o divine warrior of the south, please imply me with your knowledge on the subject?
Another, more recent, accomplishment I have made, is the freeing of your loyal brother Akthanakos. He was trapped by that foul ant of an Enakhra, and they are now battling each other in a place they call 'the North'. I did not understand what they meant, but I understood that it was urgent. Maybe it's the land of Acheron I have heard about. Maybe you, the benefactor of all that is good, can figure out what the meaning of 'the North' was.
Other than that, I must inform you about the whereabouts of Gielinor. It is two, almost three ages after Zamorak cowardly imprisoned you. As you saw, the place your pyramid was built has turned into a the sole place where the Lord is worshipped anymore. After Zaros was stabbed in the back, Zamorak and Saradomin claimed his lands. Now, the places where once stood the mighty fortresses of Ghorrock, Dareeyak, Annakarl and Carralangar have been claimed by that traitorous pretender. Also, the lands east of the Salve, where once stood Kharyrll, have been claimed by him as well. Saradomin rules the rest of Zaros' former empire, including some lands to the west. He tells our human species that he is the good god, and that we should live by his 'wise philosophies' of law and order. It sounds like a strong dictatorship to me, but most humans fall for his tricks. Our Lord is almost forgotten, the world seems doomed... We must secure the rise of the Lord, so that he may bring wisdom to our lands again!

Yours and Zaros' eternally,


Greetings colonel

Well I am impressed that postman has managed to track me down and pass me your missive, clearly I am getting careless in my old age.

You seem to have some severe theological misconceptions:
One thing I must make very very clear, Icthlarin is not in any way shape or form the same person as my lord!
It is a sad day when so much has been forgotten of him, that even one of the loyal could make such a mistake.
Had you not rendered great services to our cause recently, you would have caused me to question whether you were even a true follower.

Also no one "stole" the Mahjarrat from anyone. The Mahjarrat will align themselves with the God of the path that they feel fit.
Icthlarin was a fool who thought he could control us, but he never had the influence that he thought. When Zaros found us we no longer needed Icthlarin, for we had found in Zaros, not only one of great power, but also a god who truly understood the ways of the Mahjarrat. Of all the choices that I have seen only through Zaros shall we have our ultimate glory.
Those who subsequently have come to follow Zamorak the pretender are shortsighted and not truly understanding of what it is to be a Mahjarrat, their arrogance will be their downfall in the end.

Yes, I have made some quick travels through RuneScape since being freed from my incarceration and I can but concur with you on the poor condition of this world, though I know not why you call it Gielinor
It saddens me that the once great empire is not only gone, but as good as forgotten. Far too many seem to believe the lies of Saradomin and Zamorak and some other upstart called Guthix. When the time is right we will definitely need to change this state of affairs.

On a happier note it is good to hear that Akthanakos is around and still loyal to our lord, for he disappeared and we did not know what had happened to him.
I know what is meant when they say they shall go to the north, but now is not the time to speak of it.

for the glory of Zaros!

Dear Karim of Karim's Kebobs Ltd.

Greetings Karim! You may have seen me quite a few times but let me refresh your memory. I am Master Rogue, Edgemaster X, or for the time being, 'The Advert Master', coming from far away lands in search of willing business for me to lend my great assistance. You see, sir why wait in your lowly shop all by yourself, just waiting for hopeful customers to just waltz on in. I see you've attempted to get some advertising done by the little boy to the north, but what good what that do. You need flair! You need adrenaline! What you need it Edgemaster X's famous Advert Master Long Term Agreement plan!

For only 1,000,000 gold a month, you can be elligable to have VERY exciting, new, and stylish adverts for your shop all around the land of Runescape! Sure a million is alot, but think of the profits! Tons of people flowing in to recieve your master crafted kebobs! I'll make you famous! You'll be a star!

Think about it. It's an oppritunity you can't simply ignore!

Your's Truly, Master Rogue, Edgemaster a.k.a. The Advert Master!

(P.S. I've enclosed a free same of my ad making ability. Enjoy!)

Player kebabad.jpg

Hi Edgemaster X,

Firstly: Wow!! I am amazed at the likeness you managed to capture with your ad! Amazing! I particularly like the way that my eyes have kept that “thousand yard stare” that us kebab workers often end up with.

But I am concerned. A kebob? Surely you're not suggesting that I make kebabs from the most legendary cat in the whole of RuneScape? Disgusting! Everybody knows that camels make the best kebabs.

Keep up the good work,


(Ed. The graphics team were really impressed with this!)

Dear ilfeen,

I would like to ask you a few questions, if you aren't busy trying to sucessfully make a crystal halberd.

1. What is the orgin of the crystal seed, and why can't more be made?

2. Why does it get easier to recharge a crystal seed as you get to know the person better, shouldn't it all be the same?

3. Will humans ever be able to harness the power of enchanting crystal seeds?

4. The last time I saw you, you had a legends cape on. Are you a member of the legend's guild? If so, have you been in the area of runescape inhabited by humans, because most elves never speak about leaving the elven lands.

5. Why do you travel around so much?

6. Have you ever heard of anybody creating something besides bows and sheilds with the crystal seed, or are trying to develop more things with the crystal seed? (Besides the halberd).

7. Do you know the importance of the crystal of light? Is it a shrine to some god? Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!

Nick Hensley

Dearest Nick,

1. The origin of the seed is older than the Elven race itself. It derives from those worlds we call “home”, where it grows in abundance. Crystal does not form here in RuneScape, it just “is”.

2. To properly use crystal equipment it should be tuned to the spirit of those gifted to use it. A chanter can only truly understand the spirit over time, it cannot be learnt from a tome.

3. Many of the chants used are beyond the range that your human ears can hear, and involve sounds that your vocal chords could not form. I would imagine that you would have trouble learning those, although some of the more simplistic chants may be possible for humans. We will have to research this.

4. I know nothing of your human guilds. It is merely coincidence.

5. The agents of Iorwerth and Tyras are hidden all over this woodland. We have to keep moving otherwise they may track us down.

6. We elves make almost everything with crystal, from blades to vessels and from furniture to writing tools. Even with your limited access to our realm you will see examples of crystal architecture at our city walls. The crystal is not only limited to inanimate objects, you may have also seen the lamps in Lletya.

7. The crystal of light? I am unsure what you are talking about. Where is this?


Dear Smiley-face,

Don't want to waste your time (I'm sure you have many contacts you need to...well, contact), so here's a few questions which have been nagging me for quite some time (three minutes or so, but hey, what's time to you?):

1) Doesn't your face hurt? I mean, surely every second you would get clicked by at least 500 people (give or take a few), and from experience, I know that mouse-pointers are very sharp! That and all the smiling you have to do, I'm quite surprised you haven't needed time off for hospital/surgery visits.

2) Who IS the red guy next to you? Is he your evil twin? Or is he a she, your sister? It's so hard to tell the gender of you circles, I can never be sure.

3) Pray do tell me if I'm correct in the assumption that there's a story regarding your colour? I've heard rumours about jangleberry pies and bronze arrows, but I can't seem to put two and two together (The rumour did come from Evil Bob though, and you know how un-trustworthy he is...Or do you?).

4) Do you?

Thanks for your time buddy (Get it?)!

Yours smilingly,

~H Y B 1 R D~

Dear Hyb1rd,

Smiley.pngWahey! What a absolutely fantastic message! It's like the greatest thing I have ever seen! Wow!! It's totally, like, inspiring and, like, will lead to greatness! Amazing! I’ve never been happier! Totally rad! It's like the sun has totally possessed me and I'm the brightest, happiest ball of gas in the entire galaxy!
Smileless.pngI hate it. What a waste of time. I’d rather go and stick my head in a bone grinder AGAIN.
Smiley.pngBob is totally trustworthy!
Smileless.pngNo he isn’t. Just ask my mate on the Rants forum.
Yours doubly
Smiley.pngSmiley and SmilelessSmileless.png

Dear Sawmill operator,

I bet you are glad to see the "construction" skill finally! You must be the richest fella in all of Runescape now. 250gp just for an oak plank... nice marketing skills you must have!

My question is this... What do you do with all of the sawdust you create? An inventory of 27 oak logs is 48 kilos. Converted to planks is 21 kilos. That leaves 27 kilos of sawdust behind, per load, per player! That's alot of sawdust, eh?

Or am I getting rooked here, and you are scooping some of my planks without me knowing, in plans of building your own house?? It seems like I should be getting 54 planks, maybe?

Regards, Hriak

Ha ha! Well, I can't say I'm doing badly out of the rush for building materials. But you'd be surprised at how little of the money I get to take home at the end of the day. I have to pay off the loan I took to go to sawmill-operator's school -- it's a highly skilled job, you know, and they don't let anyone use the machinery without a qualification. It's not easy extracting usable planks from the logs people bring me and a lot of material has to be wasted. And then I've got to pay to have all that sawdust disposed of: it's not cheap, but I can't just leave it lying around, can I?

Or can I?

Many thanks to all of you who send in letters.. it seems I have quite the fan club! Obviously my little, erm, head cant ask all of them to everyone, so we try to select the most interesting and unique questions to reply too…. But we get hundreds every week! So if you don’t get your letters answered to, don’t be discouraged and try again!

Next month - KBD speaks out about the mysterious Dragonkin and the Rocnars get to have their say about imprisonment. I might even reply to a few of mine!

- Pete

Write your letters to [email protected]