RuneScape talk:Wiki Post/Fan fiction/Stone of Bandos - Chapter 5

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Today the lesson is details, now pay attention class!

I approached the small wooden 'hut' cautiously. Don't forget to include a description of this 'hut'. The reader can see that your not sure if you should call it a hut, but your being very conservative in describing it. You can include something like: As we neared the dismal farm, I saw a small shack up ahead, or something that mildly resembled one at least. Similar in a way as to how a rock resembles an air rune. I approached it with mild caution in case it decided to resemble a woodpile at the slightest wind.
Lagode slowly approached the front door, while I walked around to peer into the window. Here your missing partway of the story. Include the extra details of planning, tactics, deciding what to do and such. I know you want to get the story out of your head fast, but to build the same level of detail in the readers mind, you need to put the extra stuff in it or they won't understand. If your characters are acting individually, not as a team, say so.
I was greeted by the sight of a dwarf hammering on something silverish in colour. Your character seems experienced in dwarfs. Is that because he sees them commonplace, or has he traveled into their mines often? Also, the expression greeted by the view is more often used for times where the viewer is looking at something pleasing. For example a bride's face or a treasure chest. You mention that the dwarf is hammering something silverish. Is the metal heated up? Was it cold smithing? Is the dwarf a miniature Chuck Norris? Was the room lit up by the roaring furnace? Couldn't you just peek between loose boards of the shack?
I nodded at Lagode. This better be who we're looking for... I thought, as Lagode rapped menacingly on the door with his knuckles. Ok, this signals preemptive planning. The secretive nodding and such. Why are you nodding? Are you making sure there isn't a hulking farmer inside? What leads did you use to think that this house contained the bag maker? Were they reliable or not? Is Lagode in the believe that Fin sent the soldiers? If not, why is Lagode rapping menacingly?
The dwarf got up and answered the door, staring up at the imposing figure that was Lagode. Is the main character still looking through the window, seeing this happen? If he is, include details such as: I watched as the dwarf trotted over to the door.
"Erm... can I help ye? If this is about Thane, I didn't do it!" exclaimed the dwarf, who seemed somewhat drunk. If your trying to make the dwarf seem drunk, try to make suggestions that he seemed drunk to the main character, or that his movements indicate heavy drinking (swaggering, loss of balance, overly open) or smells like heavy drinking etc. There are many ways to tell the reader that a character has been drinking recently without having to say he looked drunk.
Also, the dwarf seems to have a change of attitude from mild confusion to panic. Indicate what causes this panic. Whether it be that he sees how imposing Lagode (damn, I keep typing Legolas...) is, or he suddenly remembers that night yesterday with that human girl.
"Greetings, citizen. I am actually looking for my old friend Fin Dralor... is he here?" questioned Lagode, wrinkling his nose in disgust as the strong aroma of beer filled his nostrils. Citizen and Civilian both represent official terms for residents, and is not used often except for when collecting taxes, or soldiers conducting official duties. Is Lagode trying to fool the dwarf into thinking he is a soldier? (heh, he could even strip down one of those guys he knocked out earlier for clothes). Also, he should be trying to dismiss the dwarf's panic so he can talk to him easier. Remember, the dwarf is babbling away. Also, good idea with the smells, but not good to say that he's doing it at the same time. Either mention it in the middle, where he supposidly sniffs, or after he finishes his question. For example: "Greetings, citizen." Lagode said. He paused to sniff the air, visibly disgusted.(1st person view) "I'm actually looking f...
"Uh...I'm Fin, do I know you?" replied the dwarf as he squinted up at Lagode, trying to recognize him. At this point, any dwarf with half a wit would be able to be suspicious of something like this. You will either need to get Lagode to bribe the dwarf into thinking he's a friend, or get Lagode to bluff more effectively. I hear dwarfs are partial to gold...
"Ah, well... that's not important. What I need you to tell me is, who'd you make this for?" said Lagode, as he handed the dwarf a hand-sized 4-pointed star, which was coloured silver. Lagode rolls a 1 and fails his bluff check. Also, Lagode appears to have the social intelligence of a barbarian (none). He should know that dwarfs will talk like Thurgo with a redberry pie when he bribes them with gold and precious metals.
Dralor took the piece of silver in his rough, wrinkled hands. He looked it over, then pulled a small, blue-ish thing the size of a large coin off one of the shelves in his hut. He placed the magical object on the back of the symbol, and I heard a sound of a bell. At this point in the story, the small blue thing is the most interesting part. Both Lagode and your main character should be staring intently at the object, trying to work out what it's made of, and it's general shape. It could be a weapon for all they know. It's even easier for Lagode to as what the object is, and receive a brief description, since the dwarf seems to be extremely helpful all of a sudden.
"I made this for someone back in Bennath. Probably on a Gullday... I think that was, uh..." said Fin, as he thought. "Right, that was, uh... some guy named 'Taynlee' or sumthin' like that..." First, he should mention how he met him. Or where he was selling his wares. Perhaps he was at a country fair, or the man visited him at the shack here? Also, instead of the dwarf remembering the day off by heart, have him going through his memory, working out the date. Example: Well, I made a whole bunch of these for the fair that was in Falador last week. That must have been on Gullday, they always have them on Gullday. Some guy bought about 3 of them. He had a (describe prominent cloths, but not in too much detail, tattoo would be a good lead)."
Tainly? Sir Tainly? He was the one I ran into back at Falador, the one who ordered my arrest... I thought. You can add extra details like you frowning in thought over this. Your getting new information fast and your not sure how to take all this in quickly. Also, too many "..." things appearing when you think. This is lazy and makes it appear as if your characters are blank minded and going speechless all the time for no apparent reason. Don't forget your character isn't sure if it's the same Tainly. Example: Could it have been the same person who ordered my arrest so many years ago in Falador?
I turned and saw Lagode drawing his sword and showing it to Fin. Ooookkkaayy, that was unexpected. Lagode is first appearing threatening, then the dwarf complies, and now Lagode is even more angrier. Is Lagode so out of control that he can't hold back his fury? Will nobody think of the children?
You mentioned that you turned around. What? Were you looking at a rabbit hopping away while you were deep in thought? Remember to include a plot to the story as well as your characters movements. The less you appear to know what your characters are doing, the less the reader is involved in the story.
That's not like Lagode... you had better watch out, Dralor... My suspicions turned out to be right when Lagode shoved the butt of his sword into Fin's head, knocking him out instantly. Oh, that's funny, the hulking barbarian has started yelling loudly and drawing weapons. I wonder what he wants?

Drawing weapons is considered a huge threat. Any person will make sure that they are armed as well, or are prepared to fight for their lives when this happens. Also don't forget the dwarf's head is about hip height. Lagode can easily kick the dwarf, or hit it with s blunt instrument lying around. This is why dwarfs hate humans you know, they're so vulnerable and humans like picking on them.

"He won't remember anything and will just think his beer knocked him out. Best to leave no witnesses, you know," said Lagode, answering my unsaid question. the phrase: "leave no witnesses" means slaughtering the innocent. using the quote like that is grossly inaccurate. Unless you want your character to appear to be slightly insane, this would be the way to go. They like to bend well said phrases to their own unrelated use. Not to mention that knocking out someone is dangerous and can lead to concussion/death even if done properly. For goodness sake, the dwarf is drunk already, give him a break lol. Not only will he have a hangover in the morning, but now he'll have a migraine for a week. Many humans don't remember a night of heavy drinking, maybe it's the same with dwarfs?
"C'mon, back to Falador, before it starts snowing any harder. I'm rather fond of my legs and wouldn't want to lose them to frostbite..." Thanks for the weather update. I was starting to think it was mid Autumn. If you can include a mention of snow, frost, flakes, cloudy breath, biting wind, overcast sky, frozen rivers that would be greaet. That would help establish the weather. This is why a description of scenery is important throughout your story.
I followed Lagode back to Falador, striding through the light flurries of snow. I was silent almost the whole way back to Falador. You said Falador twice close together. Omg.gif Light snow indicates it's not cold. Heavy crunching show underfoot indicates cold. I've never seen snow in my life and I know that. Also, Falador is a long way, are you taking horses? Maybe a well trodden path? The snow would be muddy slush on a country road. Is Lagode leading you around the place? Why aren't you teaming up with him? Include mention of why your quiet. Traveling gets very long when you have nobody to talk to. You must have a good reason. Lagode Must know as well, otherwise he would have tried talking to you several times during the trip, noticing your not talking. Details plox.
"Lagode? Where are we going?" I asked, realizing we weren't heading to Falador. Don't forget the "Suddenly" rule. Something has to happen suddenly for you to suddenly react. Example: you pass by an intersection. Also, I thought you weren't talking. This is called inconsistency.
"We're gonna make a quick stop at Varrock. I got a couple of buddies I wanna talk to first..." replied Lagode, not telling me any more. Who's not talking now? Is Lagode getting back at you for being poor company? WHAT IS GOING ON? When do your characters eat? and sleep? Frostbite my ass, he's going on another 100 mile trek to another city. That is assking for frostbite.
Eventually, we reached the bustling city that was Varrock. This is where you should include a paragraph of descriptions. Feed the starving readers. tell them what a city looks like in this day and era. Is there a Lady selling fishheads in a sub-city square? Are the fountains really pure as a crystal? Beggars lining the streets perhaps, even a special dragonfire-victims hospital admitting a patient. If you skip the detail here, most readers won't care about your story as you don't seem to care about them.
Lagode entered the Blue Moon Inn, with me at his heels. As we entered the bar, I noticed a couple of men looking at me. Describe the pub, have you been here before, 5 senses: smell, touch, hearing, taste, sight. Describe them all, (skip taste if your not eating). Describe the men, describe the table they're sitting at, describe how you react to their stares.
I stared back at them, wordlessly challenging them to attack me. Taking the bait, one of them stood up, and the three other men followed suit. Did Lagode know you like to fight in pubs? He would have warned you not to start a fight if he was really a responsible adult. Describe the men in detail if your staring at them.
"Who're you?" asked the man, who seemed to be the leader of the gang. If he's getting up to challenge you, asking your name isn't relevant unless he want's to write your name correctly on your tombstone.
"None of your concern. Go back to drinking your...drink, and forget you ever saw us, brute," replied Lagode in a commanding voice I had never heard before. Lagode is more than likely insane. That is all that this tells us. Also, he appears to have some snobbery to his attitude, perhaps this is a hint that he's related to a high class family?
"What'd you say, old man? You insulting me? I'll kill you with my bare hands, then hang you on my wall!" replied the leader, who was indeed a brute. Describe the brutes attitude from his expressions. Describe your place in the pub, the brutes, Lagode. I notice you forget to mention where people are standing. If you wish to describe a fight scene, you must have a very detailed scene laid out, with peoples positions mentioned.
"Hey fellows, calm down or take it outside!" yelled the nervous barkeeper, obviously afraid of a fight. The bartender is insane. Nobody who sees unruly drunk men every night ever says something like this. He requires a troll or heavy set bouncers to remove offenders or he shuts up. (p.s: when trying to calm a fight, never say "calm down." It has the opposite effect.)
"Durare, please take care of this brute so we can get back to out business," said Lagode in a bored voice. Over-mentioning of brute. Get Lagode to be more creative with his name calling. This is an opportunity to make your character appear intelligent. Your doing the exact opposite by making him repeat the same describing words. Also, not a time to use please, this makes him appear weaker than you, and this is obviously not the case, right? Or is he really an old man?
As the four men approached, three of them much larger than me, I calmly fished out a couple of runes in my pocket, muttered something, and then three of the men fell to the floor, asleep and suffering from mild amnesia. This can be elaborated into a paragraph by itself if you described the people, their movements, your thoughts, and your actions. An extra sentence can be included about people being shocked at a magic user, as this can be an expensive profession.
I punched the fourth man in the head, making him faint as well. wat
Then I hurried to catch up with Lagode, who was talking to the barkeeper. wat wat. Positions, Lagode is teleporting about the place in my mind. Please make him walk Smile.gif

Holy crap look at all that writing!!
Thanks for listening, have a good day. Zig 06:16, 18 August 2009 (UTC)