RuneScape talk:Wiki Post/Fan fiction/Stone of Bandos - Chapter 3
(7/10) Good story, some tips for future[edit source]
I rose early, as Lagode asked me to. He had changed largely. I could see nothing of him that I saw when I met him. He had me drill continually, almost 18 hours a day. I had began to lose count of the days I had spent in the Wilderness. I did not even consider running away, as I had seen Lagode's sword, and I wanted it. I even forgot why I was there. My only thoughts were of training.
Overuse of the "I". You need to rearrange sentence structure so the story flows better.
I rose early, as Lagode asked me to Could also read as "Before the sun rose above the distant hills, my feet hit the floor and I was out of bed. A great feeling of wanting to please Lagode filled my mind with every waking moment, and he would disapprove of sleeping in greatly..." Knowing and expressing the feelings and emotions of your character helps the reader 'put on the characters shoes' so to speak. Make sure to explain why your character is making a decision. Not just for practical reasons but for what he likes, hates, allergic to, or more.
He had changed largely - Don't forget your characters eyes take in many details, and small things like glints in eyes, stone cold expressions, capes fluttering in the wind all add up to helping the readers imagination. Express how he had changed, what was different from before? eg. "His expression was similar to that of a Baselisk. Merciless, cold and calculating. It almost seemed that if he wanted to, he could slit the throats of a thousand women and children without thinking twice."
I could see nothing of him that I saw when I met him. - Good, don't forget to add comparatives. He is probably wearing the same cloths as before, so be specific and mention what parts of him appear different. Avoid general statements similar to "he was an animal" or "he was the biggest monster in the world" as that makes you appear lazy and careless. Don't forget to reduce the "I"s so much. eg "Remembering how he was when we first met, I thought that there was something very different about ...."
He had me drill continually, almost 18 hours a day. I had began to lose count of the days I had spent in the Wilderness. - Don't forget that in your mind it may appear a very long time, but when you write short sweeping statements about months of time passing by, it seems as if time travel is effortless for the main character. In movies, when the main character is training over a period of time, the screen shows more than 10 shots of different activites tha character does for training. It's the same for story writing; more words means the character seems to be putting more effort into something. eg. "Sweat started to drip off my brow as if I was a storm cloud of my own. As the days passed by, the ground greedily sucked up the sweat of what seemed to be eternal torment. Pushing against boulders twice the size of myself, leaping over chasms of boiling sulfuric water, living off the raw flesh of beasts that I hunted myself..."
I did not even consider running away - Expressing his concern to the reader that if he had wanted to run away, he wouldn't have isn't very reassuring. This still implies that he had thought about running away already. If your character wants a sword, and wants to run away, you should add small details such as your character plotting to steal the sword. A collection of failed attempts at trying to outwit or outmaneuver Lagode would be excellent. Have your character try to stay up longer than Lagode at night, only to find out that Lagode doesn't sleep...ever. Try to have your character try to defeat Lagode in a small exercise.
I even forgot why I was there - Contradictory sentence. You said you were there for Lagode's sword only just before it. Please try to make sure that your character has a focused mind on a task, he is the lightning rod for the readers experience, and must be, or have people around him that are strongly decisive.
My only thoughts were of training. - Was your character reduced to a mindless state of exhaustion, or was he focused so intently that he forgot about everything else he ever cared about in his life? If so, explain why he is so focused, and what obstacles he has to pass in his own mind before he can fully dedicate himself to training. His trainer should be more focused on training than him, so don't forget to mention how demanding he is on your characters energy/stamina.
One day, I was drilling, and Lagode was yelling at me. I had long learned not to pay attention to him, but suddenly he said something that caught my attention. He was yelling, of course, but he said, "Keep running! I'm going to train you until you'll be good enough to fight Master Bandos!" It did not catch my attention at first, but I then realized Lagode was a Bandosian. Never before had I seen, or heard, of a human follower of Bandos. I continued to do my exercises, deep in thought.
One day, I was drilling, and Lagode was yelling at me. - You could improve this quite a lot. "One day" could be: "One exceptional blisteringly hot day" or perhaps "Before I had completed morning exercises one day,..."
I had long learned not to pay attention to him, - Contradictory statement here. Earlier you showed that your character was there by choice, and wanted to train. Not paying attention to your teacher is a serious flaw in attitudes, similar to that of a student that 'has to go to school.'
but suddenly he said something that caught my attention - Try to avoid words like 'suddenly' unless... no just try to avoid it in general XD Haha. Eg. "I overheard a couple of strange words he muttered to himself" or "He stared at me with his piercing eyes, pulled my close by the shirt and roared 'You worthless maggoty pile of ratmeat! How in abyssal hellfire are you going to defeat bandos if you keep forgetting to defend while attacking?!'
It did not catch my attention at first - Then don't make it seem like a big deal until later, when your explaining that your character is mulling over thoughts in his head. Unless your character is doing some very light training.
I continued to do my exercises, deep in thought. - He won't have time to think until he's resting. also, try to cut back on the "I"s :)
Okays, sorry for being so harsh. I'm not very good with compliments. Overall it's a pretty good story. If you follow some tips here you could make your stories even more amazing! :D 21:04, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
Okay,thanks,ziggy,the hardest part for me is to get the wording correct,I try to make it sound interesting and all,but I must admit ovveruse of the word "I",I'll try to fix that,thanks again ziggy. --
12:55, 21 June 2009 (UTC)