Magic, Hans and Bankers!

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Magic, Hans and Bankers! is the second issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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Transcript[edit | edit source]

The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Magic, Hans and Bankers!.
This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 19 December 2005.

Hello readers. My name is Postie Pete, and as express courier for the RPDT it is my responsibility to deliver your letters to the various characters around the lands. What with the holiday rush, I have been particularly busy lately, but still made the effort to get those letters out, and what letters you've written!

This edition of the letters pages includes the mysterious absence of Father Urhney, flying cows and an enlightening interview with Traiborn about his life history, so without further ado...

Dear the lvl 2 man who hangs out at The Fogotten Cementery,

May i ask you why??? Why do u venture quite deep into the wilderness, and hang around a place where ghosts and gouls lerk? Do you have a loved one that was taken from you, and was buried here?? Are u merely an adventurer (like myself) after some hidden treasures??

Do you not worry about your own life?? You are one of the lowest people in the world of runescape, new players start out at level 3, so you couldn't have much in the way of combat stats, so how can you protect yourself? You could not even teleport away, because you are past lvl 20 wilderness!!

So again i must ask...why?

Many regards!


Hi Merlin598,

My main is level 500!


Dear Father Urhney:

When I first approached you over 4 years ago for assistance with helping Father Aereck in ridding his church's graveyard of a ghost, you told me that you had sworn not to leave your demense in the Lumbridge Swamp until you had completed a full two years of prayer and meditation there.

Well, it's been over two years now and you are still there! Have you received divine instruction to extend your sabbatical from Lumbridge? Or are you merely in hiding, attempting to hide from some kind of scandal in the church?...

In any case, I feel you ought to explain what the REAL reason you are doing out there.



Dear Shadowdancer,

Sadly, my attempt to seek solace in nature's quiet embrace, so that I may contemplate the mysteries of the universe and seek enlightenment through my course of meditation and prayer, has been frequently interrupted by what I can only assume is a bizarre conspiracy by some fiendish cult.

I require a two year period of silent contemplation, yet I rarely manage even a week before one of these crazed lunatics arrives at my shack threatening to repossess my home due to failed mortgage repayments. Rather bizarely as I constructed my shack myself with my own two hands. And each time they force me into conversation, my two year period must begin anew.

I genuinely can't understand it. They all show up, and say the same thing, to the very word... it is indeed a mystery, that perhaps I will solve if I am allowed those two years of silent prayer.

Dear Hans,

Why did you wet yourself and run away from me so many years ago? I was such a weakling. I only attacked you to get you to stop running, so that I could ask you a question. All I wanted was directions to the next city, but you just had to run away like a scared little girl and make things complicated. I hope you suffer for eternity :).

See you (very) soon



It's him again!

The one who threatened to kill everyone!

He's found me again!


At this point Hans ran away from me, flailing his arms around him in terror, so I was unable to get the rest of his response.

I'm very sorry about that.

Dear, dear dairy cow...

A few days ago i was walking to edgeville. Suddenly a beautiful bird flew above my head, so i looked above me, as it left a poopie in my eye! Since then i have always been so happy that cows couldn't fly. You cows can not fly do you?

Many greetings,

P.S: i love your black spots

No, we poor cows are sadly not built for flight, and our experiments with those fancy gliders the gnomes have were particularly unsuccesful.

However, due to your touching concern for our aerodynamic stylings, I will make sure that if I ever do learn how to soar like the birds, I will personally give you a pat on the head...

Dear Evil chiken. How did you become evil? How did you...Get to level 121 unlike Your level one brothers. And the last and most important question! Does chicken feed taste good?

Strangely your questions are all one and the same! Why do the other chickens fear me and call me evil? Why am I so high levelled? It's because I HATE the taste of chicken feed...

No, I have a MUCH tastier food that I enjoy to eat, that makes me big and strong, and keeps my feathers so shiny and clean...

I LOOOOOVE roast chicken!

Yum-yum, with a dash of garlic and a sprinkling of herbs and spices, I could eat it alllll day long... MUHAHAHAH! Bwuk bwuk bwuk.

Dear Mr. Bank Worker in Catherbry,

The bank always has a closed part, why is this? There are a few of you sitting at the back probably gambling and getting drunk while your fellow employees are working 24/7 without a so much as a toilet break. So why dont you stand up walk over to the desk and do some work?!

Hope you dont get sacked,


Dude, it's like, totally my break, kay?

Like, don't bring me down man, I'm just waiting for the coffee to boil. Sheesh, you guys are always like, 'withdraw this' and 'deposit that' and 'rearrange the other' it's like, such a drag!

Just because I don't live my life to the clock like them other banker dudes, don't go getting on my case when I take five for a bit of a cuppa!

Dear Owner of the shop in port sarim,

When will you pay us? Ive been "working" for you for about 2 years, and when I ask if i get paid yet, you say "uh...not yet". When will we get paid?

Well the its cooling down and the banks are closeing soon so i better mail then and head home to varrock before the "Tree Goblins" wake up...

Magma Flame

P.S, The back is NOT tidy

Oh, uh, hmm, well, er.. the cheque's in the post!

Get back to work you slacker! You haven't even unpacked that crate of bananas yet! I want that apron cleaned before you return it too!

hi all the lesser demons at crandor isle! i've got one question. how did you get to crandor?!?!

Some puny human called Ali Morrisane sold us a package holiday. It was a one way ticket only, but we were assured that it would be easy to get a transferable ticket home again.

Apparently, he lied.

Greetings Oracle,

I'm writing to you from the terrifying Hellhound's den. I have always admired your vast knowledge and I was wondering if you could answer a question for me? "What does the future hold for me?" I must know because I recently had a lot of bad luck from the Rock Golems and the Ents on my travels. I hope this letter gets to you safely.

From Restlesssage.

(P.S - If letter undelivered send to my kingdom in Miscellania)

Let me consult the spirits...

Ah yes.

The waterfall flows, like the grass grows. Often in spring, the birds can sing.

I hope that reveals much of your future.

Dear Traiborn,

I do not understand you at all. You are calling yourself untrustworthy, called me a thingimmiwut (what an insult!) and even used bones of other wizards for your ritual. Tell me more about yourself.



A young thingummywut wants to hear a bit of ol' Traiborn's life story, eh?

Well let me start at the whatsit.

I was born in the year dumdy, in good old wotsit.

After many years working as a doodad, under the care of kind old whoosis, I decided it would be best to thingy at the whatchamacall. Yep, that's pretty much it, in a thingummywut.

Thank you Traiborn, that was very helpful.

Not at all, it was my wossat.

On that final note I would like to wish all of you a very happy holiday season from myself and the whole Jagex team!

- Postie Pete

Write your letters to [email protected]