Goblins, globes and golems!

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Goblins, globes and golems! is the fourth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:Goblins, globes and golems!.
This official Postbag from the Hedge was copied verbatim from the RuneScape website, but has since been removed. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 27 February 2006.

Hello again readers! I returned from a very pleasant holiday to find that so many letters had arrived in the RPDT office that I could barely open the door! Luckily for me, some of your letters were to familiar characters such as the Varrock Librarian and the Duke of Lumbridge, but I have also had to brave searing desert and pitch dark caves, and stand well back while another barbarian nearly yelled my ears off!

Dear Man in Observatory,

I was wondering wether the world of runescape is flat of round. With all your knowledge of the stars i hopw you will be able to answer my question.

Feel free to capture me anytime,

From Helldemon204
The World is Round.jpg

Dear Helldemon204,

Although there have always been some who have believed that the world is flat, the general opinion among scholars for the last thousand years has been that it is a sphere. The ancient Menaphite philosophers believed that the world was round for aesthetic reasons, because a sphere is the most perfect shape, but they also pointed out physical evidence for their claim. When a ship sails over the horizon its hull disappears before its sails, as if it was hidden by the curvature of the globe. Sailors also report that the constellations change when they sail far to the south, with the southern constellations rising higher, as if they had travelled part way around a sphere. Furthermore, during a lunar eclipse RuneScape's shadow on the moon is always round, not elliptical as we would expect if the world were flat. All of this has been verified by modern observations.

Dear Gertrude,

Hi, how was your christmas? I really enjoyed my King Black Dragon dinner, but I have a problem. My cat has developed a small addiction to swordfish over the holidays. I gave him one as a present (its normally not on his menu), and now he is sneeking into my bank, and binging on them, AND he uses their noses as toothpicks to cover up the traces (clever), but when you look at your bank and 800 swordfish are missing, it kind of arrises some suspision...!

Help me! He has now gained a TON of weight and reached an all time lazyness, or as I like to call him, a 'lazy fat cat' rather than his old nickname of being a 'lazy cat'.

Your faithful customer,
PS: Where do all your kittens come from?! Honestly, you must sell over 1000 a day...

PPS: How rich are you? 100 gp a kitten may not seem like much, but when you've sold over a million kittens, it adds up. Can I get a dragon chain? Pretty please? Just think of it as your belated Chrismas present to me, for all my good service :-)

Oh dear! Cats do like their food, don't they? They'll get awfully fat and lazy if you let them overeat. The best thing for your cat is some strenuous exercise, and the best kind of exercise for a cat is hunting rats. It's no good to hunt the occasional rat here and there; he'll just eat more swordfish and put the weight back on. Take him to an area with lots of rats and give him a sustained rat-hunting session. Don't pick him up even if he asks you to. He might complain but he'll thank you for it afterwards when he's lost the weight!

You shouldn't worry about him sneaking into your bank though. I'm told that the Bank of Varrock takes special care of any cats left with them and keeps them away from any edible items. But if you're worried about your bank's security, you should consider getting a bank PIN.

As for where the kittens come from, well, I just can't seem to stop my cats from breeding! It's rather expensive to look after all those kittens so I'm not rich at all, and I certainly don't have anything like a dragon chain!

Dear Duke Horacio,

May I take this opportunity to say how magnificent you look in Lumbridge Castle but I have a few questions that I hope you can answer for me please.
Firstly, who made you king of Lumbridge Castle and how long ago was that?
Seondly, do you rule over all of Lumbridge?
Thirdly, how do you feel when all the new players of Runescape transport from Tutorial Island to your castle then explore your castle?
Finally, who will take over your role when you die(I'm not suggesting anything?)

From your dearest friend and adventurer,


Thank you for your compliment, and you are very welcome in Lumbridge Castle at any time. As for your questions, I am a duke not a king, as Lumbridge is a duchy within the Kingdom of Misthalin, which is ruled from Varrock. I inherited the position of duke from my father, and it has been passed down in my family for many generations. It was first granted to my ancestor Polonius by King Claudius of Varrock, and it was Duke Polonius who built the current Lumbridge Castle on the site of the original wooden fort.

I now rule Lumbridge as a vassal of the King of Varrock, and I am delighted to supervise the arrival of new players from Tutorial Island. My servant Hans is concerned that some of the new arrivals pose a danger to my subjects, but I am proud of Lumbridge's reputation as a welcoming and accepting place, and I like to assume that the screams I sometimes hear from my subjects are screams of delight at meeting yet more new faces.

The Varrock Librarian tells me that when I die my position will pass to my hair. That seems a little odd to me, since men often go bald before they die so I may not have any hair to take over from me! Perhaps I ought to start wearing a wig, and then when I am gone that wig will rule in my stead. But that would be silly. It would be better if I were to have children; then they could take over from me and we could forget the silly idea about the hair.

Dear mossy rocks south of Falador,

I am writing to you because I am confused. All the time in my life, I have always seen moss on objects that faced north. However, you persist to defy nature, and your moss is always facing east, west, or south. I'd be hard pressed to find a mossy rock where the moss faces north. All I want to know from you is why, why does your moss face anywhere but north?



Moss? What moss? We still have our youthful smooth looks, it'll be centuries before we start growing moss! We haven't settled down yet, we're still rolling. I mean, we might have picked up a little bit of moss, but it's not serious, it's not like we're old mossy rocks yet. It's, um, lichen. That's it, nice fashionable lichen to highlight our ruggedness. Not moss.

dear all the cave goblins under lumbridge

i have a few questions for you:

1. why are you so afraid of returning to the surface even though i have assured that it is safe
2. how can you defeat giant frogs if they are so fearsome and high level
3. what do you eat down there? you can't just live of giant frog meat, do you eat the rocks like dragons when there are no humans around?
4. why are your eyes so large?
5. would you rather die or eat another cave goblin?
6. why are you still afraid of me? whenever i walk past you shout "please dont hurt me!"

yours sincerely,
your biggest fan dale alen

p.s. have you ever seen the light creatures? they're cool!
Goblin king.jpg

Ur-tag, headman of the Dorgeshuun Council, responds:

1. We are sorry if we insult you by our wariness. You have proved to us that not all surface-dwellers are evil, and since the signing of the Lumbridge-Dorgeshuun treaty we have enjoyed good diplomatic relations with the humans above our heads. You must understand, however, that fear and hatred of the surface is deeply ingrained in our culture: our legends portray it as a place of unrelenting violence, where cruel gods would send us to fight and die for causes we did not even know. Visitors have told us that the wars of the gods are over and people live in peace, but we have also seen visitors that kill our guards in order to steal their weapons, so we cannot believe that the surface is really peaceful. There are even those among us who would seek to cut off all contact with the surface, but the majority has voted to keep carefully-controlled trade-routes open. But there are some young people who wish to learn more about the surface world, and even now the council is considering authorizing an expedition to the surface.

2. It is true that the giant frogs are fearsome and that we are tiny in comparison, but if we send a large, well-equipped hunting party and are cautious we can take out a giant frog with little risk. Although there will always be a few precocious youths who insist on hunting the frogs single-handed, and when they survive and return to a hero's welcome the cheering of the crowds only encourages them, I fear.

3. We do eat the meat of the giant frogs and various other creatures that inhabit the caves, but, as you say, an all-meat diet is hardly healthy. We have also learnt to cultivate various plants and fungi that can survive in the damp caves under our artificial lights.

4. We have noticed that visitors from the surface have tiny eyes, and we are told that surface-dwelling goblins also have small eyes. The learned members of our council conjecture that our large eyes are an adaptation to the low light-level of the caves, since a large eye can collect more light just as a large bowl collects more falling water.

5. That rather tasteless question is difficult to answer. If the only alternative was death by starvation, I think that many cave goblins might reluctantly eat the bodies of those who had already succumbed. Or to put it another way, if I was soon to die I know I would rather my friends ate my flesh than starved. On the other hand, some of our legends from the time or war suggest that a defeated warrior might be killed and eaten by his own tribe, and naturally a modern cave goblin would rather die that take part in such a barbaric practice.

6. Again you must forgive our caution. Those Dorgeshuun who are frightened of the surface will naturally be afraid of surface-dwellers, and attitudes as deeply-rooted as those will take time to change. Nevertheless we hope for a day when there can be complete trust between our two races.

7. Yes, most of the Dorgeshuun have taken at least one trip to see the light creatures. They are beings of remarkable beauty, although the serpent that lives near them makes us feel a little unwelcome as our peaceful lifestyle is not sufficiently interesting for her. There are only a few cave goblins who have ever interested her, and only one who is living now, but she has expressed interest in visiting the surface so perhaps someday you will meet her.

Dear Reldo,

I send you this letter urgently! I need a reply as quickly as possible!

I was on my way to the wildy, searching for a challenge, when a black knight appears, seeking to enter Varrok! I fought him, but it was only through use of food, and Saradomin's power that I vanquished this foe. I immediately bought some equipment, and set out to find why a black knight was infiltrating varrok. So far I have found nothing out-of-the-ordinary, besides a large bear population. (which was being heavily hunted) It also seemed like ice mountain was changed. I doubt it, but I think is isn't possible to snipe fortress guards from the top anymore. It may be a mistake in my memory, but I remember the cliff being more steep. As I said, I'm not sure.

Second, as a historian, do you know why the black knights would mount an attack? Do you know anything, any war, from history that may have caused this? I know I might be overreacting to this whole situation. The knight may have been led there, while chasing his foe. I have no idea why it would be so far from it's haven, so lost, though.

Finally, why is there a black knight that hangs out near the wizard tower, on the south shore? Is he planning some sort of attack on the tower?

Please reply quickly. The entire fate of Varrok, possibly even Asgarnia, may be at stake! I'm writing this from the top of ice mountain. I've folded it into a paper airplane, so I don't have to call the postman. Hopefully the letter will travel quicker that way. As long as the wind blows to the east

A young, yet developing warrior, (And Saradominist)


Dear Hungryblader,

Thank you for your information, but you have no cause for concern. The White Knights assure me that a Kinshra attack on Varrock is very unlikely at the moment. What you saw must have been an isolated incident. Being Zamorakians, the Black Knights are more rebellious and less organized than a Saradominist army, so it is hardly surprising that individual agents sometimes act on their own initiative.

As for why the Black Knights would mount an attack, there is no specific historical reason that I know of. The Black Knights are simply followers of Zamorak whereas the White Knights follow Saradomin, and the two sides need no reason beyond that to hate each other. With temples to both gods, Varrock prides itself on being a tolerant city, so it is sometimes perplexing for us to see religion become such a source of hostility. But, as I said, there has been no significant rise in Black Knight activity near Varrock. Regarding the Wizards' Tower, that tower contains many powerful magics and I am sure the Black Knights would get their hands on them, but the wizards are quite capable of defending themselves.

So don't worry! Ice Mountain isn't moving and the Black Knight's aren't going to invade! You should probably calm down and have a nice cup of tea.

Dear Clay Golem of Uzer,

Once i walked apon the great city of Uzer and went into its Temple. I found no Altar all i found is the portal to that Demons realm some people belive to be Thammoron. Who is this Temple too? I will wait for your letter to me.



We golems were not programmed with any appreciation of religion. I saw many strange objects in the temple before it was destroyed, but I did not understand them, so whether there was an altar I cannot say. I do remember that just before the battle I lined up with the other golems in the centre of the city to be blessed. Priests and priestesses painted us with sacred symbols and filled the air around us with incense. They prayed to many different gods to ask for protection from the demon, so I must suppose that the temple was dedicated not to a single god but to many. But the gods were not part of my programming so I have not given the matter much thought, and I see no reason why I should be interested in gods that could not or would not save the city from destruction.

Dear Barbarian Woman at the Blue Moon Inn,

After a hard day of Lesser-killing and mining coal, I passed through Varrock and decided to have a beer at the Blue Moon Inn. When I entered you instantly caught my eye.. You were wearing a brown legless tight leather outfit, you were wielding a big spear, and you were attacking a drunk lvl7 Ranger.. I was the guy with the Frog mask, looking shy. I wanted to buy you a beer, but realised i didn't have any money on me. I walked to the nearest bank to get some Gp's, but when I returned you were gone. Where are you, Barabarian Woman? Please give me a signal! I have so many things to talk to you about...and questions to ask! Are you a natural blonde? Is there a Mister Barbarian? Are you still lvl 9? Where do you spawn, originally? Contact me if you read this!



Ha ha ha! Boney froggy man is too shy! I saw you look at me from under your frog mask. It is very funny to see a man so nervous. Juliet and the other Varrock girls might like quiet sensitive types, but not barbarian women like me! We prefer STRONG MEN who have proven themselves in combat against WILD BEASTS! With BULGING MUSCLES, a HEARTY LAUGH and a STRONG MASCULINE SCENT! Although I sometimes wish they would take baths more often, or at all.

But to woo me he would present me with the SEVERED HEAD of the STRONGEST ENEMY he could find, and then I would challenge him to an ARM WRESTLING MATCH! Then if all went well we would get into a fight with one another and everyone else in sight. You can tell if a man loves you by the way he smashes a chair over your head! And of course we would spend many hours YELLING at one another at the TOP of our VOICES!! And a barbarian man would know never to buy his girl beer: we are STRONG INDEPENDANT WOMEN who can buy our own drinks!

No, boney froggy man, I'm very flattered but I'm afraid you're just NOT MY TYPE!

That's all for this time. Remember, no monster is too fierce and no terrain too difficult to sway me from my task, so keep sending your letters!

- Postie Pete

Write your letters to [email protected]