Barbarians, Tree Spirits, and an embarrassed Demon!

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Barbarians, Tree Spirits, and an embarrassed Demon! is the third issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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  • None

Transcript[edit | edit source]

This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 30 January 2006.

Hello readers. Once again I have been delivering your letters to characters around RuneScape. I must admit to being a little scared when I found that my duty to the RPDT would take me to the Barbarian Village, Delrith's stone circle, and even the lair of the Kalphite Queen! But I finally managed to extract responses from even these fearsome personages, and have compiled them below...

Hey all you frenzied, blood-loving barbarians at barbariantown! I have some Questions for you. What is that small, grayish-brown thing in the middle of your wonderful town, right next the tin mining area? It would appear at first glance to be a brick, but when I attempt to pick it up, it will not move! Why can't I pick up this miniscule thing? Is it so heavy I cannot lift it? Do you know how many times I have tried? Also, I noticed that you can YELL. I have never been able to YELL in all my years of being an adventurer. My fearsome battle-cry (DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH!!!!) always comes out as a faint, pathetic string of lower-case letters, yet yours rings clearly throughout your mighty fortress. How? Is there a YELLING school that all barbarians attend? Or is it inborn talent? Also, where do you get your axes from? Bob's Axes is the best I know, but he lives all the way down in Lumbridge, and you never leave your village. I find this odd...

Thankee Kindly. The Kumquat Lord.
P.S. As an afterthought, why do you all dress exactly the same? Isn't the very essence of Barbarian-ism eclectic, entropic, and chaotic???

P.P.S. Where do your helmets go when you die? Not on the ground, that's for sure... Is there a helmet heaven? Where do all the good helmets go?...

HA HA HA HA! Call yourself an adventurer and you can't even pick up a brick? And your voice is as feeble as your muscles! No matter how hard you yell your battle-cries will always pale in comparison to ours! We simply have LOUDER VOICES than you! Whether this is an INNATE ABILITY or due to our harsh upbringing WE DO NOT KNOW, and we are unlikely to ever work it out because our village is TOO LOUD for us to THINK CLEARLY! HA HA HA! We have no time for the feeble-voiced weaklings of your so-called 'civilisation'. We make our axes for ourselves! And our helmets we make also, and no true-blooded barbarian warrior would give up their helmet even in death! It is with our axes and helmets that we journey to the GREAT FEASTING HALL of our ANCESTORS, where we use our helmets to drink the MEAD of the GODS, and the SOUND of our YELLING shakes the very FOUNDATIONS of the EARTH!!!

Dear Evil Bob,

How are things in Scaperune? Opposite, I trust. I was just walking around here in Runescape and wondering about my parallel self . How is she... or, erm he? Also, is this the first time you realized I'm gone, or have you even woken up yet? I thought you needed some more competent servants, yet you yourself are sleeping on the job! Bad kitty.

Feel free to capture me anytime,

(P.s. What is up with those fish?)

Dear Chibikag,

Things in ScapeRune are as they should be. It is your own world that is strange and opposite! And nothing is 'up' with those fish, they are perfectly normal. I've seen some of the fish that people have brought from your world into mine. You catch raw fish, and then cook them on a hot fire to put them into the state that they should have been in when they were caught! And then you eat the cooked fish, fish that looks like it came straight out of the sea! How you can live in such a twisted up world I will never understand. And to add injury to insult, your whole world is overrun by stray humans, while the cats are kept as pets! Your parallel self back in the real world is much better off, living a life of willing submission to her feline overlords. As for why I am sleeping on the job, that is simply what cats do. It is the natural order of things for humans to serve cats, to feed them and give them a place to sleep, and for cats to give nothing in return but the occasional purr or meow. You can't tell me that that is different in your world, can you?

Evil bob newsletter2.jpg
Hi i would like to ask the Fire Giant a question. Why is it that you get the only dragon two hander in the game, and you dont even drop it.....

Yours truely,


If you had the only dragon two-hander in the game, would you drop it?

A fear that all tree cutters have is the dreaded Tree Spirit. Here we are cutting tress down to cook our food or make some cash; when all of a sudden we seem to hack into a tree that decides to hit back! I understand that these woods are important to you, but isn't once enough? Do the other spirits not see what happens to you when you jump out at us? We hack you to bits just like your precious forest! Yet sooner or later, more spirits come out to protect the woods.

My question is, have you thought of making a forest where no humans could find you? A place where you can be undisturbed for all eternity? Do you really think attacking us brawny adventurers is a good idea? Sooner or later, you will have to ask yourselves if it's really worth it!

Sincerely yours,
Sir Griever0

p.s. Though I am concerned for your safety, I have to admit, I will still attack you should you attack me!

I understand that cooking food and making cash is important to you, but isn't cutting down one tree enough? We live inside the trees, and if your home were suddenly chopped down, what option would you have but to jump out of it? However often we see our fellow tree spirits hacked to bits, we must emerge and fight to defend our homes.

As for the Eternal Forest... well, since you define that place as one which no humans could find, how do you know that it does not already exist? But even if we could live there forever undisturbed, the trees of RuneScape would still cry out to us for help, and we could not live in happiness knowing that any tree anywhere is suffering. So we must stay in RuneScape and defend as many trees as we can, even though we do little good and even though many of us will die. It is the principle of the thing.

Dear Delrith,

Please put some clothes on. Your nudity is offensive to some people. I know being evil and trying to destroy possibly the strongest city in Runescape is tiring, but please put some clothes on.

Thank you,

Wrath Monkey

Oh dear! I was already worried about this; you see it's very hot in the dimension I was trapped in, and the dark wizards didn't give me any warning before they summoned me so I simply didn't have time to get dressed. Of course I don't care what people think of my plans to destroy Varrock and make its streets flow with the blood of the innocent and its ancient walls echo with the screams of my tormented slaves. If people don't like that then it's their problem. But I would never dream of offending people with nudity! In fact that was why I was waiting outside the city rather than tearing down its mighty walls at once: I had sent one of the dark wizards off to see if the clothes shop had anything in my size. But they can never find anything I like - I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it is to find something that goes with my complexion and horns. And before they return some adventurer always turns up with Silverlight, and when I see my reflection in that shiny blade I am so ashamed of my nakedness my combat level drops down 27! Once again I am most terribly sorry for invading your dimension without being properly dressed. Rest assured that once I have finally conquered Varrock I will set the survivors to work constructing the most magnificent set of clothes that a demonic overlord has ever worn!

Dear Man who spawns near Lumbrige Caste,

I realized how much people (the ones in training) continusly kill you. And most of your freinds all around are being killed to. Do you put up with this? All you do is spawn waiting to be killed. Get some iron armor and a nice weapon so trainers don't bug(kill) you. They have the dummies in Varrok to attack. I would'nt like being killed every time . Have any plans to pervent all the training people from harming you?It would be a good suprise to those who train on you.


Sorry members pickpocket you for training, try puting a mousetrap in your back pocket.

Your friend,


Terrible, isn't it? What is the world coming to? As soon as I spawn I'm a little disoriented and it takes me a few seconds to decide what-- Ow! Aaargh!

What? Oh, yes, right. As I said, it takes me a few seconds to remember what I was doing, and in that time someone often appears and kills me again, just like that. I sometimes think I'll go to Varrock to train on the dummies to make myself strong, but as soon as I set off-- Hey, what do you think you're doing? Get out of my pockets, you thief! No, don't kill me, aaargh!

Oh. Yes, then I sometimes think I'll go to Varrock. But hey, what's the point? I'll never get very far. Perhaps it is punishment for some great crime I committed in a previous life. But if so it must have been a very great crime committed many lifetimes ago, for as long as I can remember my existence has consisted only-- What? No, I don't have any quests for you. Have a flier. No, stop hitting me! Aaargh!

Dear Juna

It's a while that I'm a bit too busy to come for a chat. I've just finished drawing maps of an old haunted temple, in doing further errands for those fancy pansy pointy-ears... And in between in my repose I grabbed scraps and bits of papyrus and elven dyes and started doodling. I sent you one of the results. Hope you'll like it. This is you listening to my magnificent tales of glory (not decided which one yet... figure it yourself).

I'll be back in a few days with new tales of my heroic and fiendish deeds. But meanwhile, perhaps you can spend some time repairing that blasted stone bowl? It was the bowl I tell you! Not my agile and mighty arms and legs. And it was already useless before I threw it at the rocks. Maybe it amused you that I got no more than 41 tears the other day... But how could the the other guy boast of getting 101 tears if all stone bowls are the same?! I know our venerated Guthix has little humor, so...

Till next time. -- Gnollpaw

Image by Gnollpaw

Dear Gnollpaw,

Ah, yes. Your painting brings back all the happy hours I spent listening to the tales of your adventures. I would hang it on the wall of my cave, except that it would not be proper to defile the Tears of Guthix by introducing a competitor to their beauty.

But as for the bowl, come now, you know that the power of our lord Guthix would not make a bowl that is less than perfect. Perhaps the other guy of whom you speak was more skilled at collecting the correct tears. Or perhaps he had more time in which to collect them, for the more someone can entertain me with their stories, the longer a time I will allow them in the cave of tears.

But do not let that dishearten you from your next visit! However many adventurers visit me I still long for more stories, and I am sure I will by fascinated by the tale of how you mapped the haunted temple.

Dear Kalphite Queen

I guess you have been very angry of late; I too share your anger, as I have been training to kill you so I could brag to all my friends and now TzTok-Jad comes along and your old history. Hope you don't become as sad as the King Black Dragon people can't kill him but they don't fell its worth it. Your days of blowing up cannons and taking down teams of people are going to die down; your drops are so yesterday. Have you seen the forums? You don’t see many questions about what you drop now. In short, you’re used to be cool.

From a past admirer mark strike

Yes, yes, leave us in peace so we may prosper. Our children have grown strong on your kind and now we wait for the call to swarm again. Do you not wonder where we got those trinkets you prize so highly? They are from times past when we ravaged the land, when we fed on all before us until it was laid barren. Yes, soon we shall crawl forth again.

Now run home soft-thing, leave a trail for my children to follow and show us where your hive lies. We will come for you in time, and we will consume the land again.

Phew! After that visit to the Kalphite Queen I think I need a short holiday to calm my nerves. But I'm sure by the time I get back a new pile of letters will have accumulated!

- Postie Pete

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