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A SUBLIMINAL EVIL MESSAGE: Read this postbag! is the thirty-fourth issue of Postbag from the Hedge published on the RuneScape website. On 12 August 2016, all mentions of Postbag from the Hedge were completely removed from the site. Any previous links to them redirects to the Customer Support section.

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The following text is transcluded from Transcript:A SUBLIMINAL EVIL MESSAGE: Read this postbag!.
This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 30 September 2008.

Well done, adventurer, for having the courage and STARTLING AUDACITY to come and read this month's DEMENTED POSTBAG FROM THE HEDGE OF DOOM! Mwa ha ha! - EVIL DAVE

Dear Banker Lady of Lumbridge castle...

I know not of your name, but I do know of this,
Every hour in your presence is splender and bliss.
Your brown slender hair and eyes so divine,
Your feelings I know not of, but I tell you mine,
I ask and I plead but you don't seem to hear,
It's almost as if I've been asking all year.
Not that it matters your beauty is such,
That all it requires is a look not a touch,
And hooked I am there in your cold lonely bank,
It makes think, yes, I really must thank
That the Grand Exchange's coming has taken away
The other poor newbies who stand in our way
And yet, just know this, as I withdraw a pike,
You can handle my money any time that you like!

Your long and secret admirer
Wyatt Drago

Dear customer person of Lumbridge Castle,

I know you expect a wink and a blush,
A quick peck, perhaps, or summertime crush,
But I must dismiss your furtive glances,
Charm-filled sonnets and manly advances.
I have a love that you are discounting,
And that’s my love for chartered accounting.

Although you may find my passion pathetic,
I can’t help the joy of long arithmetic.
I try to travel and often vacation,
To give me a break from multiplication,
But as soon as I rest and start to slumber,
My mind soon wonders: “Am I a prime number?
How many honeycombs are in a beehive?
And what is the square root of seventy-five?”
All of these questions roll around in my head
Until I give in, and do taxes in bed.

Don’t get too down, as no doubt you can see,
The fault’s not with you, the fault is with me.
So, when our eyes meet when banking your pike,
It’s nothing to do with like or dislike,
I’m actually trying to work out your weight
Dividing by five, multiplying by eight.


Dear Bounty Hunter Banker,

I've always wondered, how hard is it to hold up all of that stuff in that huge bag? You carry everybody's stuff! I would say my stuff alone is too much for you to carry. How do you do it? Did you develop a high strength level? Or is there some sort of enchantment on your bag? I'd really like to know!

Your greatest fan,


Hey goblindude3,

It’s really kind of you to send me a letter and not that big-haired bully, Mandrith. Here are a few things he’s done this week:

  • Paid bounty hunters to bank their chinchompas and roll me downhill
  • Wrote ‘Kick me, revenants’ on my sack as I was walking home
  • Banked a live shark
  • Glued me to my sack and then pushed me over

It’s enough to make me cry. Still, I have one thing that Mandrith doesn’t, and that’s a sack. It’s not magical, though. If you place things perfectly in a sack, you can get them to cancel each other out. It’s called science.

Maximillian ‘The Sack’ Sackville

Dear cart owners or runescape,

I have spent most of my time on Runescape prancing about walking straight by your broken carts and i was wondering how come almost every cart i see is broken !? I want explanations!

  • Do you get them from a dodgy dealer?
  • Do you get ransaked?

Whatever the answer i will be pleased to hear from you,


P.S. I might even give you a gp or 2!

Dear Thebs0,

Thank you for your letter.

We here at Lumbridgestone cartwheels and millstones would like to assure you that all of our products are of the highest quality materials and crafted by the finest dwarven-trained technicians. It is, therefore, unthinkable that our wheels might break due to the use of low quality materials, inexperienced ogre labour and usage of enormous quantities of sticky-tape fastenings. Independent testing by my cousin Ali has shown that this unlikely cause is only responsible in 90% of cases of critical cartwheel failure.

Finally, all of our products are tested to ensure they can withstand an angry badger and a sleeping policeman before being sold at retail to ensure customer safety and satisfaction.

If you have any suggestions on how I can flog more dodgy wheels to hapless saps then do please send them straight to me.

Ali Morrisane

Dear Juna,

Seeing as you get tediously bored, I wrote these questions for you to answer :]

  • 1.If I was to jump down the chasm in front of you, would I meet Guthix? Because in your story, you said He was resting down in the planet.
  • 2. What's the Animus Mundi?
  • 3.What is 'Fiara' and why is there a 'Fist of Guthix'
  • 4.What do you eat?
  • Final question, what did you do before you were a Guardian for Guthix?

De Roll Le
- Avid examiner of stuff.

Letter dictated to Postie Pete, as Juna is unable to write herself. This is probably something to do with her not having any limbs. P.P.

Dear De Roll Le,

Your letter amused me; it is good to see such a curious mind. It is true that I enjoy listening to the stories of adventurers, as they bring me news of the outside world. The variety pleases me the most: the juxtaposition between bold tales of exploration and confrontation, and my peaceful musings on the need for balance in our world. It gives me a perfect feeling of equilibrium, and I am happy to answer your questions.

Guthix has no physical form in this world, and the only thing that you would find if you jumped into the chasm would be certain death. I recommend keeping away from the chasm’s edge - particularly since more people have been coming to the chasm recently.

The Anima Mundi is a powerful force, binding all natural beings together. Only those with special gifts can use this force to communicate with each other across great distances. You may be familiar with the spirit trees and their ability to transport beings between themselves; this is made possible by the Anima Mundi.

Like me, Fiara is a faithful servant of Guthix. She can no longer remember her original form, but that does not matter to her now. Travellers tell me that she can be cruel, but this is only because of her passion for preserving balance in the name of Guthix. Her role is to protect the Fist of Guthix from the followers of other, lesser gods, and she does this very well. You seek more knowledge of the Fist of Guthix, but I am unable to explain this sacred source of power. I know much about its true nature, but I am afraid of the information falling into the hands of those who are unable to comprehend it.

Ah, you humans and your love of food. Before I became a servant of Guthix, I believe I did eat in order to survive. Such memories are hazy now. My role as a guardian has preserved me for many, many years, and my immortality has freed me from the restraints of mortal life. I no longer need to eat, nor sleep, and my abstinence from food allows my spirit to remain clean and pure.

As I have already mentioned, I recall nothing about my life before Guthix chose me to serve him eternally. I have not always been a guardian of the sacred tears, and I have had many roles in the past. I am honoured to be able to serve Guthix faithfully and my soul rejoices at the thought of continuing this service for many ages to come.

May Guthix guide your steps,

Dear evil dave.

I understand from what I hear from past mailbags that your uncles name is nigel. Also i put together from one mailbag that one of deaths friends was the one who leaves soggy tea bags on kitchen benches. And that his name was nigel. Am i correct that these are 1 and the same person? If so, theres also the nigel from one easter holiday event. Is he the same person? Or is it just one jumbled up lie to confuse people that nigel is no one yet while hypotheticaly being every one. Yet then it would not make sence because since nigel is evil dave (you)'s uncle and therefore might be evil also it may just be one big plot to confuse all of runescape that nigel wants to take over runescape and turn the sea into stew. And make hellrats scourge the land. Get wat im saying?

Your more or less fan,

Hello fan!

I have a fan! I’m not quite sure what to do. I've included a V-NECK OF PUTRID COSINESS that my mummy knitted for you. Unfortunately, mummy ran out of pink wool, so my face on the front is a little on the purple side. I still look HANDSOMELY EVIL and KNEE-QUIVERINGLY DEMONIC, however.

You mention my UNCLE NIGEL. I don’t really like talking about him, as he’s EVIL, and not in a good way. He forces me to tidy my BASEMENT OF DOOM whenever he pays a visit. Little does he know that I sweep the hellrats and spice under my BIG OLD DESK OF SUUUUFFERING, so the TERRIFYING victory is mine!

As for other Nigels, I am afraid I can’t help you. UNCLE NIGEL is the only one I know of, and he’s more than enough. I wouldn’t worry, though: no-one called Nigel could take over RuneScape. Could you imagine a FIENDISHLY CONNIVING mahjarrat called ‘mahjarrat Nigel’? Tz-Tok Nigel? Even the Nigel Queen? That, my fan, would be silly.


Evil Dave
dear penguins at the lumbridge sheep field

i see you daily and get great pleasure from watching noobs try to shear you. As much as i'd hate to see you leave, you've been in that sheep field for i dunno how many years. my question is, do you guys ever plan to move?

after hearing from my friend how he foiled your plans to fly, i started thinking, if they have no hope of flying, why not just give up?

Just wondering, Murder wink1

This letter has been edited by the Postmaster Penguin

Mornin’ Murder wink1,

Do we ever plan to move? That’s down to Staff Sergeant  . He’ll only reassign us if we go mad, and nobody mad would want to be reassigned. We call it Catch Twenty-Tuna.

As for not being able to fly, well… we may not be able to go ‘up’, but think of all the other directions that a penguin can approach an enemy: left, right, down, inside, outside, clockwise, on our bellies, dressed as a sheep, dressed as a penguin dressed as a sheep, in a giant underwater   and upside your head. And those are just options I came up with while writing this letter.


Anyway, that's it from me, but I'll see you all again next month, so keep sending me your letters and paintings!

Send your letters to [email protected].

Alternatively, send your pictures and paintings to [email protected].

Don't forget – when you send us your amazing creations we can't accept links, so please don't send them to us!

Next month...Wise Old Tips return with a bony grin.

Postie Pete