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This official Postbag from the Hedge is copied verbatim from the RuneScape website. It is copyrighted by Jagex.
It was added on 8 October 2009.

More and more people are talking about Christmas and have even started buying presents, while some stores are stocking decorations, cards and calendars. Depending on your outlook, this is the beginning of the magical season, or it's far too much, too soon! I'm afraid the Wise Old Man will be agitating these feelings, as this month's Postbag brings a request for your very best jokes, all in aid of our Christmas postbag - PP

Dear Doris Of Edgeville,

I would like to know why you allow your son Evil Dave to keep hellrats in your basement? After all, while trying to help him out, you said they are stealing your spices. I'm very fond of spicy stew myself and I want to know why you don't just kick him out into the real world? Anyways, he is a fully grown man now, so he should get a job or at least get rid of the rats, don't you agree?

From your concerned friend,

Hello dearie!

Oh, Kaxo, you know what boys are like about their evil dungeons! If I even poke my head round the portcullis he screams at me for popping his "BUBBLE OF SELF" and how "every man needs a CAVE OF CLOWN-FILLED NIGHTMARES to retreat into".

What you have to realise, Kaxo, is just how fragile little Davey is, and how the world can be a terrible, cruel place. I fear it just wouldn't understand him: Fluffy Pants Fridays for example, and the way he writes in caps, as if he's shouting.

So, I'm going to wait until he emerges from his dungeon, wide-eyed like a young faun, and takes some tentative steps into the world. Only he will know when that time is, and I'm sure it's not too far away. That's not to say that I haven't helped him along occasionally: leaving little notes, mostly - all in caps - with tempting things like 'EVIL PARADE NEEDS FLOAT DESIGNERS' written on them. He hasn't bitten yet, but I'm hopeful.


To the fool, Lucien,

Ah, it has been some time since we have last met. Your powers are, by now, likely quintupled in prominence. You have killed six of my dearest friends, and have undermined Zamorak's name in this world. Do you not think it cowardly that you have acquired Elite Black Knights of the Kinshra, Dagon'hai monks (of which both organizations owe their survival to Zamorak), and think your actions will go unnoticed?

Lucien, you vile dog, you are unfit to breath the air my Lord of Balance, Guthix, has given unto this world. Even myself, a devout Guthixian, find your actions of undermining Zamorak's power in this world a pure abomination.

Lucien, you underestimate me; you underestimate all of mortal-kind in this world. I, and others like me, will be your downfall.

You think you have an edge against me? You think the slaying of my friends can destroy my resilience? Lucien, you have fueled the fire for you own demise, you will soon lay at my a mass of worthless bones, as I crash my mighty blade upon your skull.

Until then, Evileyes987

Pathetic mortal,

I can scarcely believe that I bother myself to reply, but it pleases me to scratch these words into the bone of this postal skull's eye sockets with a quill I tore from Armadyl all those beautiful millennia ago. The ages of bloodshed and torment that I have seen; had your weak and pitiful people the foresight, you might have done with me as you once did with Hazeel, and perhaps this would be a more pleasant world. Of course, were that the case, I should be even more wrathful and might have scoured your race from existence as a man crushes a greenfly with a thoughtless swatting of his hand.

You express your foolishness aptly, mortal, for the Kinshra and the Dagon'hai do not pay fealty solely to Zamorak: officially, they adore chaos, but the Black Knights have been more politically motivated of late by their ongoing persecution at the hands of those hypocrites, the White Knights, and their masters, the Temple Knights, whose machinations will only be to your detriment. In any case, I carve a path that is not dissimilar to Zamorak's, and they will follow any who show them the true recipe of disorder, and it pleases me to give them such for now. In time, they will see my true face and, like all the frail, fleshy things of Gielinor, they will quail as I ascend to my destined seat.

You may believe you comprehend my plans and that you can stand against me, but with the powers of the Vanished God and the will of the Mahjarrat, you will see only the beginning of the fruition of my works.

Give my regards to Surok in his prison, and tell him that his reward will be delivered in person. It should be amusing to hear him plead.

Lord Lucien

Wotcha Ping ‘n Pong!

I was just wonderin’ what a duo of totally bodacious dudes such as yourselves are, like, doin’ in a totally un-groovy place like the Penguin Base! Like, why are you wastin’ your excellent skills by spendin’ time in such an un-awesome dump such as that guys?! Reply pronto fellas!



Like, if you only knew! Two dudes, gnarly at playing the triangle, living in an Outpost full of squares. That's like the first line of a tragedy, dude.

But we have plans, bro. Before you can say "Stop! Hammerhead time!" we'll have turned the Outpost into an all-day party filled with funk-loving bassheads. Man, I even saw a penguin tapping a flipper to the morning siren. The boogie is in all of us, bro, you've just got to unshackle the monster!

I can hear what you're saying though, dude. Why not set up outside Ardougne with some bongos and a cowbell, helping adventurers rest their stems? Well, that's too easy, homey! Bring the heat where it's coldest - that's the Ping and Pong motto.


Dear Dr. Nabanik,

First, I'd like to say thanks for being so knowledgable about the Mahjarrat, but what I would like to say is: how do you know so much about the Mahjarrat?

For, as far as I know, Ali the Wise and I - oops, I guess I shouldn't have said that - are the only humans to know about the Mahjarrat. So, yes: how did you find out so much about them, and do you know of any other 'lost-to-the-ages' races?

Also, after extensive searching around the Digsite, I can't seem to find you. Would you mind telling me where you are, so we may have a talk about the Mahjarrat?

Xp5 Chaos All-knower of Mahjarrat things.

Xp5 Chaos,

Well, I do have an advantage when it comes to knowledge of the Mahjarrat - I AM ONE! Ha ha ha, I had you there, I'm only joking! In all earnestness, though, the rather dull reason that I know so much of the Mahjarrat is because I've studied them for so many years. I have spent time in the pyramids and I am now well-versed in the ancient ways of the Mahjarrat.

It seems, also, that we have a friend in common. I am something of a friend of this Ali the Wise and, over the years, he has proven to be a loyal ally. We have spoken many a time upon the subject of Mahjarrat, what threat they might prove to be, and how we might deal with them when the time comes. All who follow the false god, Zamorak, are worth keeping an eye on, and that doubly applies to those Mahjarrat who have shown him fealty.

As to why you have yet to find me at the Digsite... Well, I'm keeping a bit of a low profile at the moment, because the project I'm working on is a bit hush-hush. It's only a restoration - of sorts - but I could do with someone who has influence with the other archaeologists at the Digsite...a 'man on the inside', if you will. It seems you may well fit the bill, what with your links to both Ali the Wise and the Digsite. I shall seek council with Ali and may well be requesting your aid in the near future.

Until then, Dr Nabanik

Dear street urchins of Pollnivneach,

Since you know all of this town, why don't you set up a business for yourself? An information agency? This way you would grow taller and might even join adventurers like me. You might even scare the bandits out of Pollnivneach! Also, why is the entire populace of Pollnivneach named Ali? Is this a new fashion?

Your supporter,

Kasa Pina

Lawks, guvnor,

It’s proper nice of you to write us, boss. Next time, could you stick a gold piece in your missive for a lad with nowt but high dreams and low standin’?

First, the Ali Cats are leagues from disorganised, boss. We’re a network, an’ we do low-profile possession accquirance, information retail and sundry intimidation. We got a merry old gentleman who keeps us, an’ business is boomin’.

The story behind the name ‘Ali’, ‘owever, can be a long’un, but I’ll add a gold piece to yer tab and give you the short. Decades back, the mansion in Pollnivneach was left to a guvnor named ‘Ali’. No folk knew a scamp by that name, so every’un started renaming themselves, legal like, to stake their claim. From then, it’s just become a custom.

Course, it 'as its perks. A copper comes knocking for a lad called Ali? You got forty grubby oiks hoistin' their arms in the air saying "I am Ali"! Sometimes I think there's no stoppin' us.

Ali Dodger

Dear Reldo,

I am an adventurer hungry for knowledge. I was reading through some of the lores and histories at the Library of Varrock. Upon reading the Legend of Arrav I noticed the story mentions a place called "the Land of Dreams"? What exactly is this referring to? Is it a real place or is this just what people of olden times used to describe dreams? I would like to know more of this "Land of Dreams" so if you have the time please reply back to me.

Yours truly, Bostonjoe

Dear Bostonjoe,

One of the truly marvellous things about literature is that it forces you to think in very different ways about very simple things. The 'Land of Dreams' in the Legend of Arrav (one of my favourite stories), is simply a way of describing the strange reality that dreams present us with. It is not a literal land that you can visit, but a tapestry of ideas, emotions, images, et cetera, that our sleeping minds conjure to make sense of the day's events.

In Arrav's case, of course, it was more complex, and invaded by dark premonitions delivered by Zemouregal's foul spells - but this makes it no more 'real' than any ordinary dream.

I have heard of many other realms attached to our own but invisible to the uninitiated - lands of fairies, mists, shadows and even a dreamscape where your personal inadequacies are confronted - and I have little doubt that at least some of these are real. I imagine that the majority, however, are allegorical terms to explain some universal human concern, mythologised over the ages to help us understand them in terms we can appreciate.

Yours pedagogically,

Dear Musician,

Don't you get tired of standing there all day, playing your instruments? And how do you make those music notes come up from your body? Are you magicians also? And those music appreciators, don't they get tired of just sitting/standing there too? You have been there in the same spot ever since Jagex put the update of resting, does it not get boring for you? I mean, musicians, I am sure you get a thrill out of playing your instruments, and music appreciators, don't you get tired of listening to the same thing over and over, or do you have clones that take you place for a bit so you can go party every once and a while?

Just hoping for some answers.

Neva L3t Go

Dear Neva L3t Go,

You're spot on! We musicians don't half get tired standing/sitting/lolling/drinking all day, playing our fiddles/harps/lutes/bang-drums - that's why we've got our union rep to have a 'word' with the management. They managed to wangle us breaks, but only when no adventurers are about.

It's like the proverbial tree in the forest...or maybe the tree in the proverbial forest (I often get my proverbials mixed up; it's not pleasant). If a musician is playing, but there's no adventurer to rest near him, does the musician make a sound? Well, yes, of course they do, but you can't hear it! What point was I trying to make?

Still, I'm more interested in you 'seeing' our music. That's quite a talent you have there, my friend. We just play stuff; we certainly don't see it. You must be one of those...synaesthetes, I think they are called, whose brains are cross-wired so they can see the colour, texture and shape of music (a waltz is blue, so I'm told). Some can even taste verses, apparently.

Yours hungrily,
Sally "The Bongo" Bango

Wise Old Jokes

Wise Old Man needs you!

The Wise Old Man may not look like he's full of good cheer (just look at his eyes in the picture above!) but he enjoys a cup of Fortunato's wine and a giggle over jokes when it comes to Christmas. So, this year, we would like you to submit your own!

We will collect together the very best RuneScape-themed jokes and publish them in the Christmas postbag, with the most chucklesome joke being rewarded with a year's subscription to RuneScape!

If you want to submit your Wise Old Jokes, please send them in to [email protected] and remember to note down your RuneScape username.

I tried to put some jokes together myself, but, as you can tell, they're not of a strong vintage - PP

Thief 1 - I tried to sneak some metal ore out of the Smithing Tutor's forge last night, but he was one step ahead of me.
Thief 2 - Really? What happened?
Thief 3 - He smelt it a mile off.

What sound do Kharidian ambulances make?
Nar-dah Nar-dah Nar-dah!

Vampyre 1 - I met a girl in a strange village last week, but I just can't remember the village's name.
Vampyre 2 - Draynor?
Vampyre 1 - Oh, every last drop. Now what was the name of that village?
Vampyre 2 - Uzer?
Vampyre 1 - Sure, she got blood all over my cape. I think the village had...elves?
Vampyre 2 - Lletya?
Vampyre 1 - Of course not, victims rarely do. I'm afraid that you're not really helping...

Send your letters to [email protected].

Alternatively, send your pictures and paintings to [email protected].

Don't forget – when you send us your amazing creations we can't accept links, so please don't send them to us!

Next month...why are there gno copters?

Postie Pete